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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone ended up hating their best friend when they have fallen out? Please read and help if you can.

30 replies

QE2 · 13/03/2006 20:37

Been best mates with someone for about 7 years. She introduced me to my dh and was chief bridesmaid at my wedding to him.

She has had a shit life, shit relationship with an alcoholic who literally kicked her and her kids out on the streets and I have been there through thick and thin for her, sometimes putting her family before my own. When she split from her dh, i was the one she turned to; when she was going through hell with her kids, I was the one she phoned for help. I have seen her through the hatred she felt for herslef when she had a string of one night stands and even supported her when she spoke of hetting back with her dh.

Several weeks ago she called me in tears saying she was going to hurt her dd if she didn't get help....I posted a bout it at the time. Since then she has cancelled arrangements to go out at the last minute, not invited me out when the usual crowd have gone on the piss and ignored my calls and texts.

She put the phone down on me today - i am at a loss to understand what the hell is going on and wonder if she ever really was my friend in the true sense of the word. Thinking about it, it was always one-sided, she only phoned me if there was a problem and we only met up if I made the effort.

Should I try to find out what the problem is or accept that our frienship is over? I feel really hurt that someone I considered to be a friend is being like this. dh thinks it's time to move on.

OP posts:
salsa · 13/03/2006 20:41

I think with best friends it is sometimes like being sisters. You can at times say things and treat each other in a different way to how you would treat other friends. Her behaviour is odd and rather unfair but their must be a reason for it.
Would it be a great loss to you or a wait lifted if the relationship was to come to an end?

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 20:43

Could she have spotted your post on MN?

lucy5 · 13/03/2006 20:43

I had a relationship with my sil , like this. We no longer talk and I feel very used. I think sometimes you can be too close for comfort and sometimes ppeople want to reinvent themselves or pretend that something isnt happening and you know far too much and cannt be kidded. i attended fil funeral last week and was blanked by her and unfortunately by dn who I had had living with us with and without his mum for the first four years of his life. It's very difficult but there isnt alot you can do about it. Maybe she'll come running when she has her next crisis. If you want to you could fight to save this relationship unfortunately for me it had gone to far. i can only sympathise and epathise with the hurt that you are feeling. Sad Smile

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 20:45

Bet you anything she uses MN and saw your post about her.

buffythenappyslayer · 13/03/2006 20:59

was just about to say the same as rhubarb!

getbakainyourjimjams · 13/03/2006 22:27

Agree with rhubarb!

Original poster
QE2 · 13/03/2006 23:38

Sorry, just got back!

No, no way she could have spotted the post - she doesn't have internet connection.

lucy5 - I think you're the closest. She said that she told me things no-one else knew about. I know one thing in particular that is so explosive, it could bring her whole world crashing down around her. I'm not a vengeful sort of person though so she has no fear on that score.

I feel pretty let down by her in that I have willingly invested a lot of time in her and her family, I've been there through some pretty scary things (her dd od'd a little while ago), and helped through such a lot of crap. For her to turn her back on me like this feels like a kick in the teeth.

Ifeel sad about it and helpless that I can't do anything about putting right whatever the problem may be.

OP posts:
oops · 13/03/2006 23:41

i agree wiyh lucy5- she's qorried you have seen her at her darkest moments.

i'd write her a note- say a true friend is non-judgemental and loves her anyway, and as such you will wait for her to make the next move....

hope she does.

unless you really feel it is over

harpsichordcarrier · 13/03/2006 23:45

have been thinking about this all evening. yes I think that you may be right. she relied on you for support and now she wants to move on and you remind her of her neediness/bad times. I think it is prob time for you to move on too. I am really sorry if this sounds offensive or unsympathetic but she sounds like she has been quite a heavy burden on you. It sounds like you have been a great friend to her but maybe the reverse isn't so true.

Chandra · 13/03/2006 23:49

There should be a misunderstanding, or may be she knows more than what you think, or probably somebody told her something about you that she was better without (as the post in Mumsnet but then, as I don't know what that was that about, it is no good to especulate...)

Original poster
QE2 · 13/03/2006 23:55

The only thing I can think it could be is that she is annoyed that i phoned HomeStart and spoke to them anonymously about her problems and enquired what professional help could be offered to her.

I'm thinking that she just wants people to feel sorry for her - after all, pretty much most of her friends know a lot of her problems and she gets a lot of sympathy from them. Do some people not really want help, and just live with perpetual problems and end up kind of liking the attention and sympathy they get? Maybe she is one of those?

OP posts:
lucy5 · 13/03/2006 23:57

My sil loves playing the victim and when she feels that she has got as much from someone as she can get she simply moves on. I am obviously speaking from a bitter and biased viewpoint here.

fastasleep · 13/03/2006 23:58

Sad Sorry you got so used QE2... don't feel guilty about drifting away from her!

(I'll be your friend Wink)

Original poster
QE2 · 14/03/2006 00:00

Sadly, lucy I think you have it spot on.

I do hope though that her ds and my ds will continue to be best mates - they have been inseparable since reception class - they're now year 7! They have sleepovers and days at each others' houses. ds would be so upset if that didn't carry on.

OP posts:
Chandra · 14/03/2006 00:00

Do you really believe that QE?

Chandra · 14/03/2006 00:01

I meant, what you said in your previous post. (crossposted)

Original poster
QE2 · 14/03/2006 00:01

Believe what chandra? About the wanting sympathy?

OP posts:
Original poster
QE2 · 14/03/2006 00:05

Sorry x-posted again!

Hmmm, not entirely sure but she has def cooled since that day. Trouble is I asked if that was it when we spoke on the phone earlier and she said it wasn't anything to do with that. She got a friend to text me cancelling our arrangement to go out - she said as I didn't reply about that she assumed I didn't want to be her friend anymore. Now that I don't believe and I know she is using that as an excuse cos I've been to hers for coffee since then.

I am genuinely puzzled. If it's a misunderstanding, it's not obvious. I'm feeling that i am just going to have to let this go and move on.

OP posts:
Chandra · 14/03/2006 00:07

Well, she was your best friend (and I suppose that such a good friendship had to be based on a more positive basis), do you really believe that she is that sort of person or may be seeing things this way because you are hurt?

I will be tempted to slay somebody who is rude to a mumsnetter but, just thinking SOMETIMES that's not the best option. However, I don't know what in her mind so I can not say if this is the case.

Chandra · 14/03/2006 00:08

Crossposted again!

I agree that it would be better to move on, at least until she doesn't seem so beligerant about things.

getbakainyourjimjams · 14/03/2006 01:12

Ah QE2- are you a problem solver? I am - someone tells me a problem - I suggest a solution. BUt no some people really don't want that,and it can actually be unhelpful for them- they do carry round their problems and want? well I don;t know what- but not solutions. Offload? Fair enough, but not ALL the time! I personally find that hard to be around, it doesn't work for me. if I have a problem I want suggesitons, But definitely some people don't. But maybe you ringing homestart has something to do with it.

UCM · 14/03/2006 02:07

I think sometimes you have to take a back seat with things like this. The more time you spend worrying about it, it will build up into something that wasn't there anyway. Leave it (I know from personal experience that it's hard) but eventually if she was ever a true mate, she will get back to you. She will either apologise (if she doesn't she isn't worth it) or your relationship has simply run out of steam. Contact other people in your group for a chat/coffee/drink but don't make her a big deal. Sometimes concentrating on new relationships can be an eye opener.

piggysgal · 14/03/2006 07:34

To be honest your ex-friend sounds pretty spineless and selfish to me - she's acting like one of those immature, casually cruel teenagers at school who delight in tormenting other girls and constantly crave attention. She really doesn't sound as if she's worth the effort. You sound like a nice person. Don't waste any more time picking over what you might have "done". You haven't done anything. Stop contacting her (I'm sure she's the sort who is probably enjoying your anguished e-mails/texts), forget the silly cow, move on and find some new friends. You seem like a great person, and I'm sure it won't be long until you have new, more rewarding relationships.

Gemmitygem · 14/03/2006 08:20

I feel a bit worried reading your post because you say she was hinting she might hurt her DD, then she has cut off all contact since then. I was just wondering if her DD is OK? Does anyone else regularly look after/see DD e.g. a grandparents who would be able to check on her?

Hausfrau · 14/03/2006 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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