Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Forgive or forget? Is there anything to forgive?

33 replies

imadreamer · 26/08/2012 13:28

Any advice gratefully received - I just don't know how to get past this...

Last night I found a hotmail account belonging to OH had been left logged on. The inbox was full of emails from a dating site that specialises in 'no strings' relationships. There were also lots of email receipts for payments for live video 'chat'.

I couldn't just leave it there, so I checked out the websites concerned - including reading his profile which more or less states he is up for anything as long as it is discreet.

I am not a prude, and have nothing really against looking at pictures/watching films etc, it's the dating sites and it's the fact that it's live chat with people - and looking through the sites it is certainly not just chatting that they do.

I was completely devastated and physically sick - and then also incredibly angry about the money he has been spending - up to £100 a week quite regularly!!!!!! That is a huge amount for us.

I work all the overtime I can get my hands on - on call every night - working Sundays, to put money into our joint account to help pay for everything - he has a good job and he has always told me that almost all of his money went to mortgage etc - we have never had much left after essentials. I never spend anything on myself - can't even remember that last time I went to the hairdressers (that's probably part of why he seems to need to look at other women!), and have even been thinking I should give up my one hobby - which doesn't cost anything to actually do, but I have been feeling guilty about spending money on the petrol to get there (45 mins away) when it is something just for me.

Maybe this is quite common behaviour - I don't know. We have been together 12 years and it's my only long term relationship so I have nothing to compare to. Maybe I am over-reacting to the whole thing.

I won't leave him as we have an 8yr old daughter - but how can I get past this?

He assures me he has never been unfaithful - and there are no emails suggesting any meetings or anything - and also that video chat doesn't mean anything.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Any advice?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 26/08/2012 13:31

It's not common and you are not over reacting.

I'm not sure what you can do if you won't leave him. He hasn't apologised has he?

maleview70 · 26/08/2012 13:34

Any advice......yes reconsider your decision not to leave him. What you have found will be the tip of the iceberg. He has probably been screwing other women at every opportunity. People who advertise themselves on these sites are asking people to have sex with them. Why would you give him approval to carry on doing that?

Your daughter deserves a better role model than someone who pays to indulge his fantasies on line whilst spending family money doing so!

Forgive easily and he will almost certainly do it again.

delilahlilah · 26/08/2012 13:40

You are not over reacting at all. I would be furious. You need to think this through carefully. Your statement that you won't leave him bothers me, as essentially he can do as he likes can't he? Staying with him because of your child is not healthy, she needs you to be happy. You put your daughter first, and he clearly doesn't, else he would be more concerned with there being money for his family than his sexual desires.
He needs to take drastic action to resolve this. Especially as he has consistently lied about the financial situation aside from anything else.
I would have trouble believing that he has never cheated, wtf is he doing on dating sites then? I'm sorry but I think he is pulling the wool because he knows he can get away with it.
You need to be sure you are staying with him for the right reasons. Your daughter isn't one of them. My Mum stayed 'for the children', we went through hell. Please think very carefully.

SarahBellumHertz · 26/08/2012 13:40

It's not common, you're not over reacting and the vast majority of people (my self included) would absolutely 100% consider this cheating.

Do you really want to stay with someone who diverts such large sums of money from his daughter?

delilahlilah · 26/08/2012 13:41

Well said maleview. It took so long to compose my post that I hadn't seen yours.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2012 13:41

You're not overreacting at all. The money and deception would annoy me most. Wank away, I'd think, but don't blow all our cash as you do it and then lie to me that it's going on the mortgage ....

You can't get past this solo because it's not your problem to fix, it's entirely his. Sadly, if you're not prepared to leave him, he has very little incentive to change behaviour. If he thinks the only way to display infidelity is to screw real live women, he doesn't think what he's doing is a problem.

Original poster
imadreamer · 26/08/2012 13:46

Thank you so much for your replies.

I am new to mumsnet and obviously just not as strong as all of you - I know you are right, but I also know DD would be completely devastated if we split up.

OP posts:
Xales · 26/08/2012 13:52

Up to £100 a week is up to £1,000 over 3 months.

What could you have done with that money? How much overtime (after tax NI etc), tiredness, time away from your DD has that cost you in real terms?

A haircut would be less than one week worth of what he has decided he is entitled to over you and your DD.

He has decided that he is more important than you to this degree. Plus he has decided that he is allowed to consider sex outside your marriage risking your health without any thought to you.

You are not over reacting.

If you won't leave him how are you going to get him to stop this? Why should he when there is no consequence for him?

ErikNorseman · 26/08/2012 13:53

He's walking all over you and by making it clear that you won't leave him, you are giving him no real incentive to stop.

Compulsive cheaters like your husband will keep doing it if they think they can get away with it. They have already rationalised it to themselves and feel completely justified. They may act remorseful and sorry when they are discovered but not sorry enough to stop on their own accord!

It is perfectly possible to recover from being a cheater and for a relationship to recover. But it takes serious work on the part of the cheat and a serious will to change. That often comes only with the realisation that they are about to lose their family. Believe me, if you start from the standpoint that they have already got away with it then the hard work doesn't happen and the cheating resumes.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2012 13:56

Most kids love their dads. If a man is prepared to jeopardise his marriage by indulging his fondness for expensive wanks.... he can't think much of his family.

clam · 26/08/2012 14:05

I suppose it comes across as other people on here being strong, but actually, they're just stating the bottom line, with all the emotions/bias taken out of it. And many many posters on here have been through similar sorts of experiences and can therefore spot the bullshit (from him) from twenty paces.

Being brave/strong doesn't mean you're not scared. But isn't the alternative (staying with him and condoning what he's been doing) going to be worse (for your self-esteem) in the long run?

delilahlilah · 26/08/2012 15:13

Leaving him doesn't eliminate your daughter's relationship with her Dad. Children are perceptive, she will know something's wrong. It will probably be a good thing for her as he might get the wake up call he needs.

tribpot · 26/08/2012 15:40

If you don't want to leave, I would push the point that he has spent an absolute ruddy fortune on this - and that you are expecting the spend a similar amount on the hobby of your choosing.You may wish to suggest you might spend it on dating sites and live chat. Since this is completely harmless in a relationship (apparently) he shouldn't have any reason to object.

he has always told me that almost all of his money went to mortgage etc

Do you genuinely not know? Being serious for a moment if you choose to stay in this situation, you need to first understand and then protect your finances. Clearly he isn't prioritising essential household spend in the way you are. Under the circs you can't afford to risk trusting that he is paying the mortgage.

bertiebassett · 26/08/2012 16:13

dreamer has he been remorseful? Is he promising not to do it again? How is planning on making this up to you?

I found myself in a similar position to you earlier this year. I found loads of emails on his phone from one of those no strings sites. Unfortunately I wasn't savvi enough at the time to look to see if he'd spent any money (but he could well have) or met up with anyone (don't think he did).

The issue for me was that it was the last straw. My discovery of the emails followed several years of disrespectful behaviour that I'd been ignoring...

So I gave him an ultimatum. Shape up or ship out.

His efforts to shape up fell far short...basically because he didn't really think he'd done anything wrong.

I had to make the tough decision to break up our marriage. I didn't want our DS (4) thinking that women/wives should be treated with such disrespect. I'm gutted though...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is this is YOUR decision. You might be able trust him again...but if he's not really sorry and he doesn't realise the enormity of his 'mistake'......

dequoisagitil · 26/08/2012 16:26

Give yourself time to get your head around this. Don't be tempted to sweep it under the carpet and carry on - he'll keep doing it and you'll keep finding out because you'll be more alert to it. It'll eat away at the relationship. If he gets away with this lightly, he's more likely to think he'll get away with physical cheating (if it really has only been virtual so far).

I think it's very early to say you won't leave over it - you don't know how you'll cope with this new reality of your marriage.

I reckon you should try Relate with your dh - after all, if he has a £100 spare each month for sex-sites, he can use the money instead to rebuild the trust he has broken.

SundaysGirl · 26/08/2012 16:34

No it's not normal and it's cheating. He has lied and betrayed you..as another poster said think of all those long hours and all that tiredness from your overtime, all that guilt about the one thing you do for yourself, not being able to even go to the hairdressers.....

Does this not make you angry? You need to find some anger form somwhere, I hate to put it this so bluntly but think carefully about how tough it's been doing all that overtime..you DO realise that time you spent, that dedication, that money you earnt for your family..got used to pay for him to wank right? And to cheat on you?

Get angry.

happyAvocado · 26/08/2012 16:35

first of all try to make sure you have copy of those bills and emails - is that possible?

are you married to him? if not - none of the house will be yours when you split, that's why he is using you - as you pay the bills but when it comes to actually dividing your assets you are going to get nothing

is unfair and immoral what he does - please sit and calculate what would happen if you were top move out and finance your life yourself

Original poster
imadreamer · 26/08/2012 16:38

Remorseful? Well, he's said he's sorry for upsetting me - but I don't think that's quite the same as being sorry for actually doing any of it.

OP posts:
colditz · 26/08/2012 16:43

Wow. A hundred pound a week. You could put your daughter through private school on that.

tribpot · 26/08/2012 16:47

How does he propose that you should not be upset in the future?

MrsHelsBels74 · 26/08/2012 16:48

Sounds like he's sorry he got caught. If my husband was spending £100 a week on anything without discussing it with me I'd be fuming, let alone if he's spending it on 'video chat' etc. That's cheating in my opinion.

Only you can decide if you want to stay in this marriage & want to make it work, but you need to have a serious chat with him about his priorities.

ErikNorseman · 26/08/2012 16:54

I don't think we are especially strong, most of us didn't leave straight after finding out about cheating but that's where the advice comes from. Personally, I'm talking from experience and would have saved myself 6 months of insecurity and unhappiness if I'd left straight away. I don't know if my h would have stepped up if I had kicked him out (I doubt it) but because I didn't, he never had to even try.

Doha · 26/08/2012 17:22

sorry he got caught--not sorry that he has-is-doing

HGe is not a good father spending any amount of money and time like this. Both would be better spent on his DD/family.
That amount of money in the joint account would have meant a huge difference to how much overtime you have to work.

He doesn't repsect you or your relationship.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2012 17:25

No, it's not normal.
What's surprising is how sneaky he's been with finances...

DW sees my salary come into our joint account; and my "spends" go into another account - as it happens she can see that one too, but she didn't always until I moved banks for my personal a/c.

All bills come out of joint so we can see what's in there. Similarly, she pays her salary into joint, and her "spends" goes out. £100 a week? I'm on a good screw and I don't have that much spare cash.

If he was wanking over porn I'd be a bit "roll-eyes", but think there might be some way back... live chat and sharing details.... sorry, that's a bit further towards prostitutes/affairs.

If you can cope with that, I'd suggest a bit more revision about finances.

FussArse · 26/08/2012 19:18

I would consider his behaviour to be cheating too.

You don't need to make hasty decisions as you have had a very nasty shock finding out the person you thought was a good partner and father actually isn't. You may also feel that you've been a bit daft to have been so taken in by him and that won't help you be confident to make good decisions at the moment either.

I would take time to work out how you feel about this 'man' and what your best options would be for you and your DD when you have a clear head.

Best of luck in this horrible situation.