Forgive or forget? Is there anything to forgive?

[imadreamer]

Any advice gratefully received - I just don't know how to get past this...

Last night I found a hotmail account belonging to OH had been left logged on. The inbox was full of emails from a dating site that specialises in 'no strings' relationships. There were also lots of email receipts for payments for live video 'chat'.

I couldn't just leave it there, so I checked out the websites concerned - including reading his profile which more or less states he is up for anything as long as it is discreet.

I am not a prude, and have nothing really against looking at pictures/watching films etc, it's the dating sites and it's the fact that it's live chat with people - and looking through the sites it is certainly not just chatting that they do.

I was completely devastated and physically sick - and then also incredibly angry about the money he has been spending - up to £100 a week quite regularly!!!!!! That is a huge amount for us.

I work all the overtime I can get my hands on - on call every night - working Sundays, to put money into our joint account to help pay for everything - he has a good job and he has always told me that almost all of his money went to mortgage etc - we have never had much left after essentials. I never spend anything on myself - can't even remember that last time I went to the hairdressers (that's probably part of why he seems to need to look at other women!), and have even been thinking I should give up my one hobby - which doesn't cost anything to actually do, but I have been feeling guilty about spending money on the petrol to get there (45 mins away) when it is something just for me.

Maybe this is quite common behaviour - I don't know. We have been together 12 years and it's my only long term relationship so I have nothing to compare to. Maybe I am over-reacting to the whole thing.

I won't leave him as we have an 8yr old daughter - but how can I get past this?

He assures me he has never been unfaithful - and there are no emails suggesting any meetings or anything - and also that video chat doesn't mean anything.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Any advice?

Thank you for very kind words FussArse - I know I should be acting on all advice from previous posts, but from a purely practical point of view it is impossible. I can't and don't want to make a hasty decision when it is not just my own life it will affect.

Although I think he understands why I am angry about the money, he does not seem to think there is a problem with actually using video chat - he says it is just an 'outlet'. He says he will stop using it but if he doesn't see what's wrong with it I'm not sure.....

He gave me some money today and told me to spend it at hair dressers (that is one of the things I mentioned when I was trying to tell him last night why I was so upset about the money) but I think if anything that has made me more angry - is that wrong? It is certainly not going to be that easy to sort things out.

I think it's quite understandable that this has made you more angry. What a cheap gesture; trying to reduce this to the level of 'all she's really complaining about is the fact I spent her haircut money'.

What does he say when you suggest you might also use video chat as an 'outlet', is that acceptable also?

He must have been doing it loads to spend that much money. It's basically paying for sex or sexual thrills, isn't it?

You don't have to make a decision now. You don't have to do anything ever if you really don't want to. Take some time and see how much it is bothering you.

fwiw it would piss me off A LOT

What does he say about the no-strings sex sites that he registered on? This is more than 'watching' in my eyes.

The first thing you need is clear and honest answers about what he has been up to. I understand that you will be afraid of the answers, but you need to feel that you have all of the information before you can make a decision about how to move forward.

TBH I don't think I'm too afraid of the answers - I couldn't feel any worse than I do already, but I'm just not sure what I can believe at the moment.

I feel pretty stupid writing this now, but he says he has not registered on the no strings site - he says they they must have taken his details from the video chat site he did register on. www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/11.gif I know, I know.....

www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/wine.gif
www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/wine.gif
www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/wine.gif

... and for goodness' sake get all the money into the joint account so you can see how much there is and where it goes...

So he admits the video chat? That's cheating IMO sorry.

My exp would have given me money to shit up too, after he'd told me it was my fault anyway.

Your dp is so out of order - going to the gym or a hobby is an outlet - mural wanking with strangers is cheating full stop.
Sorry you are going through this

£5,200 a year? on web chats? taken from your money pot while you are working over time?

I'd cost less than that to divorce him.

As badly as I needed a haircut, there is no way I'd be able to go and get one with that money. It's STFU money.

I'd be inclined to give him BACK the money and tell him it's Fuck off to a Hotel money.

dreamer, time to stop dreaming and time to look at your entitlements if and when you decide to get him out of your life. Knowledge is power.

Your DD deserves better than this.