I knew in my heart something was wrong... A coldness in his eyes....Obsessive about his phone, constantly on his blackberry.... Picking faults (apparently, me putting his phone charger away in a drawer every day was grounds for divorce) He was often late in from work, telling me he'd be in at 7pm turning up at 2am.... The business trips got longer and always crossed over a weekend... He was drinking like a fish, came to bed later or earlier than me, I even began to eat dinner with the children as he rarely came home on time and I didn't want to eat alone....
I caught him texting in bed (he denied it, said I was mad) caught him talking to her on the phone ("don't you tell me how I can or can't talk to my clients, cos that's what gets you this house, 4 holidays a year and a Q7") and texting her ("her mum is ill, she's very upset")
I was constantly told I was mental and began to believe it. Even my mum and a close friend told me they thought I was paranoid.....he sat me in front of a psychiatrist and asked him to medicate me (he refused, thank God) And then I found the emails.....
She wrote "once we get xxxx committed and get our girls we will give them the life they deserve"
I read pages and pages of descriptive text about how they would get me sectioned and she would slip into my shoes while I festered away in some asylum. She wrote of how she and my children would be playing "dress up and camp" and he'd walk in the door, put the girls to bed and as he walked through the door she would "ravish him on the floor"..... It went on and on... Lists of "songs to make love to", houses they could rent, solicitors she had found to handle the divorce.....
I reeled. I shook. And then I forwarded every email to myself and my mum and finally I forwarded one to him with a question mark. I called his mum and told her he wouldn't be coming home and to come and collect a bag for him. Instead of going berserk I called my friends and family, then the psychiatrist (who signed a letter to present to my solicitor to state I am in no way mentally unwell but simply emotionally abused and tormented) and then I refused to speak to him for 6 weeks.
And so it began.... The disintegration of a relationship with a man that I'd spent 11 years with. I dont know him anymore and even now, nearly a year on, the divorce is almost finalised but the biggest battle ahead is about my children. At 6 and 3, I don't feel they are ready to meet her. He moved her into his rented house recently but didn't tell me. I have tried to be calm and dignified and truthful... He proves to be a liar time and time again. In fairness I had my part to play, I fell out of love with him long before he started his affair with her, but I felt it was my bed and I should lie in it because I didn't want te children to have divorced parents like I did. I was prepared to sacrifice so much and this last year I have given every part of my heart and soul to my girls to get them through this..... I think I'm about a 1/3 of the way through my journey and I feel like I'm at a corner that I keep peeping round but can't quite summon up the courage to walk round and leave the past behind. I don't want to be a hater or bitter or angry.... I just want to walk with my head held high and I'm not sure how to take that deep breath and let go. I took the girls away on holiday last week and I was called "amazing" "inspirational" "brave" and "strong".... I want to identify with those labels.... I want to get some work, start having fun for myself, be happy..... Can anyone help with how I take the next step? Or is it just time that will stop my feelings of failure, unworthiness, mistrust and suspiscion?