New on mums net and stunned at how many other ladies have experienced a cheating husband and how uncreative and predictable they are....

[Runwiththedog]

I knew in my heart something was wrong... A coldness in his eyes....Obsessive about his phone, constantly on his blackberry.... Picking faults (apparently, me putting his phone charger away in a drawer every day was grounds for divorce) He was often late in from work, telling me he'd be in at 7pm turning up at 2am.... The business trips got longer and always crossed over a weekend... He was drinking like a fish, came to bed later or earlier than me, I even began to eat dinner with the children as he rarely came home on time and I didn't want to eat alone....
I caught him texting in bed (he denied it, said I was mad) caught him talking to her on the phone ("don't you tell me how I can or can't talk to my clients, cos that's what gets you this house, 4 holidays a year and a Q7") and texting her ("her mum is ill, she's very upset")
I was constantly told I was mental and began to believe it. Even my mum and a close friend told me they thought I was paranoid.....he sat me in front of a psychiatrist and asked him to medicate me (he refused, thank God) And then I found the emails.....
She wrote "once we get xxxx committed and get our girls we will give them the life they deserve"
I read pages and pages of descriptive text about how they would get me sectioned and she would slip into my shoes while I festered away in some asylum. She wrote of how she and my children would be playing "dress up and camp" and he'd walk in the door, put the girls to bed and as he walked through the door she would "ravish him on the floor"..... It went on and on... Lists of "songs to make love to", houses they could rent, solicitors she had found to handle the divorce.....
I reeled. I shook. And then I forwarded every email to myself and my mum and finally I forwarded one to him with a question mark. I called his mum and told her he wouldn't be coming home and to come and collect a bag for him. Instead of going berserk I called my friends and family, then the psychiatrist (who signed a letter to present to my solicitor to state I am in no way mentally unwell but simply emotionally abused and tormented) and then I refused to speak to him for 6 weeks.
And so it began.... The disintegration of a relationship with a man that I'd spent 11 years with. I dont know him anymore and even now, nearly a year on, the divorce is almost finalised but the biggest battle ahead is about my children. At 6 and 3, I don't feel they are ready to meet her. He moved her into his rented house recently but didn't tell me. I have tried to be calm and dignified and truthful... He proves to be a liar time and time again. In fairness I had my part to play, I fell out of love with him long before he started his affair with her, but I felt it was my bed and I should lie in it because I didn't want te children to have divorced parents like I did. I was prepared to sacrifice so much and this last year I have given every part of my heart and soul to my girls to get them through this..... I think I'm about a 1/3 of the way through my journey and I feel like I'm at a corner that I keep peeping round but can't quite summon up the courage to walk round and leave the past behind. I don't want to be a hater or bitter or angry.... I just want to walk with my head held high and I'm not sure how to take that deep breath and let go. I took the girls away on holiday last week and I was called "amazing" "inspirational" "brave" and "strong".... I want to identify with those labels.... I want to get some work, start having fun for myself, be happy..... Can anyone help with how I take the next step? Or is it just time that will stop my feelings of failure, unworthiness, mistrust and suspiscion?

TBH I´d be trying to keep them away from him also.

The emails may have been from her, but he wasn´t exactly disgusted & trying to distance himself, was he?

Will these emails be presented as evidence in court?

You handled yourself SO well, gosh I wish I had half your strength. Well done, Run, to have the presence of mind to get the evidence.

That you had fallen out of love with him/wondered if you ever loved him anyway is a huge help IMO.
You sound like you are moving on admirably!

I can't believe they thought you can just easily have someone sectioned! And for years too. For what? Being paranoid your partner is cheating? (when he is!) what mental illness is that?
They are deluded morons. If they wanted to be in a relationship then he needed to grow up and tell you he wanted to end your marriage. Why all the crazy scheming. They sound quite child like.
Your much better off without him!

My DC becoming involved with OW and her family proved harder to get over than XH leaving but I got on with it because I felt it was inevitable

In your case I would say its out of the question that they see this OW and I would get legal advice to see where you stand , she sounds unhinged and very wicked.

Good God he gaslighted you to the extreme

It's actually taken me almost 3 years to feel ready to date again and to feel I am over it fully. It was two steps forward, one step back for a long time. I had counselling and needed anti depressants for a while as well. And I read a lot of books about helping the children to cope with it all as well and books for me.

My ExH didn't introduce the DCs to his OW until earlier this year and ironically their relationship has now just ended. He couldn't cope with looking after them either but is finally improving.

You cannot rush recovery, especially after the massive betrayal and his awful behaviour to you. It's a sudden deep drop when it all happens and the climb to recovery can be slow, as you try to rebuild your self esteem, hope and a new life. There will be dips along the way, it is an emotional roller coaster. There's no way after only a year, you could fully recover from his deception. It is going to take time

Diddl.... He's their dad.... He's weak and can't say no. He went along with her fantasies for 2 years (that's how long it was going on).... He never intended for me to see those emails, I truly believe that.... I dont think he thought about the implications, he let her write that stuff but the night before i found the emails, we went out to dinner and had sex (shudder)..... He was in it up to his neck. We were doing marriage counselling.... And he just kept on denying that he was having an affair.... So, they have to keep seeing him, for them, not for me.... When they are old enough I'll tell them everything and then they can decide for themselves.... But I can't take that right away from them.
As for court, I wanted to settle amicably on both finances and the children and so far, I've managed to achieve this. One thing at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time..... It's pointless me stressing about what happens when she meets the girls, it won't be any time soon.

Krumbum.... Of course she's childish! She's 10 years younger than me! ;0)
Although her lack of respect for womankind is alarming.... I had a huge crush on a married man when I was in my early 20s.... But when push came to shove I couldnt go there.... Even though he was unhappy and got divorced anyway.... I just didn't want to be the catalyst.... I have been in her shoes and took a different path..... She is still desperate to be in mine but she will never ever fit the way she believes she will. And yes, karma will do her work..... All I need to do is sit back and watch.

Did you show the emails to the police, OP? I agree with a previous poster who said this kind of plotting must be against the law somehow.

Thanks dontstep..... I really appreciate your honesty and you're right time is going to be my salvation..... I think I was at my most broken last year when I knew he was having an affair but kept telling me I was mad.... The relief when I saw the emails was immense. I almost went on a high, I didn't sleep for 3 days, completely went into overdrive, writing stuff down, printing stuff out, adding locks to the house and updating friends and family as the events uncurled..... And then it hit me and I was tearful and sad and angry and frustrated.... And I want to get round that corner away from those emotions and start channelling it into something productive. This bloody divorce will be the making of me if it kills me.... I have avoided antidepressants although lots of people have recommended them to me.... I've gone a bit gym crazy and run with my dog as often as I can and I find that keeps my happy hormones up..... I guess because I don't miss him or want him back it has been easier.... It was more the shock of the betrayal that floored me.

Wow just unbelievable!

Feenie, I didn't.... I guess I still could and then give him the ammunition to tell the girls I got him arrested (if they'd even take it that seriously....) and make himself the victim.

I think this kind of plotting could come under the common assault title.... I'm not sure. If the relationship continues I will approach a solicitor ( will have to apply for legal aid tho) and I will get it investigated.... The only problem is that evidence like this s only admissible if it wasn't attained by hacking..... And of course he would do everything he could to prove I hacked into his email instead of finding them because he left the account open....

Good idea to let a solicitor advise - and also to advise whether such evidence is viable (although I still think it would be).

That sounds fantastic, my children were only 11 months and 2.3 years at the time, so I didn't have the freedom to go to the gym or go running. I didn't go on AD's until a whole year after separation. I think adrenaline and coffee got me through the first year, then there settled within me this feeling of wading through treacle. I was often in a low mood for most of the day, I felt worthless and useless a lot and I had lost enjoyment and interest in life, I had poor motivation and simple tasks seemed difficult. I was always lacking in energy, irritable and tired. I couldn't just snap out of it, life felt so grey. I just had this sinking feeling that the whole journey of life was now going to be like this with little enjoyment and even less hope. It took a friend to talk some sense into me to see my GP. I am glad I did though. I was on them for a year and then she gradually reduced the dose and I came off them. They made a huge difference to me at the time, as did the counselling.

Looking back now, my ExH was also weak and agreed to most things the OW suggested. I think he would have strung me along far longer if I hadn't caught him out. It was an exit affair in some respects. ExH was jealous of the children and didn't like the lifestyle change, the lack of money and social life and everything else. He was like a petulant teenager once we had kids. He wasted money we didn't have on gadgets, new clothes etc. Had a premium rate porn phone line addiction but lied about it and racked up loads of money. He had erectile dysfunction issues in the bedroom and was often ill with migraines etc. Tbh life is easier on my own without him. I'm not sorry these days that we're over, in fact I'm glad he left me. But at the time the shame of being divorced and being a lone parent, the heart ache for my children and my hopes and dreams for my happily ever after etc caused me to desperately want to work things out. Everything is clearer in retrospect. People who have been married for 25 years and had a husband who was truly wonderful must find it immensely difficult. My recovery has been far easier because of the above in many respects but yes it still took a lot of time.

Oh yes my ExH's OW was 10 years younger than me too.

It's working for me at the moment but I have no snobbery about seeing my gp for help if I hit that wall.... Im feeling the benefits of being 2 dress sizes smaller and that has helped immensely too.... Shame he has ballooned and bloated to a disgusting size.... Perhaps its all that green grass he as been grazing on?!

Your ex sounds just like mine! I think he'd have carried on with his head in the sand forever.... He was also put out that he dropped down in the pecking order once te girls arrived.... When my first daughter was born I clearly remember him saying "you love that baby more than you love me, don't you".... He also disliked the lifestyle" change in that I didn't want to drink my life away and stay out til all hours ("you're no fun any more"), I wanted to take the girls for walks with the dog, go on bike rides, visit museums and places where the girls could soak up culture and history and art.... He says I wasted the money but in reality he bought guilt gifts every time he came home from a business trip, I didn't recognise the pattern at first but the car, the log burning stove, the trainers/shoes, the garden furniture etc etc all appeared days after he came home from the states.
Bizarrely I also found he had signed up to "naughty housewives" websites and another seedy looking website when I discovered the emails.... And now I don't have him sweating next to me in bed, my bed linen stays crisp and clean, I get a good nights sleep without him snoring and I don't get woken by him coming in at all hours.... Life without him is immensely easier.

I was desperate not to have a failed marriage too, but I'm learning that I can't be responsible for his actions.

" I almost went on a high, I didn't sleep for 3 days, completely went into overdrive, "

yes I did too - the RELIEF of knowing I wasn't crazy...

Oh, dear: it doesn't sound as though your poor H wanted to lose his family at all. Ms Bunni Boiler has got her way! The karma bus will arrive soon.

'My' OW was also 10 years younger, and hadn't had any children, a small sexual fact that I was very hurt about for a long time

Wow there have been some stories of lowlife exes recently but I think that probably wins the Gold Medal.

TBH if you have all this evidence, and of course be guided by your sol, I would have thought you have grounds for contact ONLY through a contact centre, as you can't believe he won't bring the OW along when he has them otherwise.

You sound strong & resourceful, well done you for getting this far. You are right about getting out and increasing your social circle. Don't rush to meet other men just yet I think it takes time to get over the divorce, there is an element of "mourning" for the DH you hope he was, the marriage you hoped to have etc.

Maybe get yourself signed up for some evening classes doing something totally different (salsa/Zumba/ballroom dancing?!) or find a tennis/golf/rowing club with a good social life. Is there a local charity that you'd like to support that could do with some volunteer help/campaigning or fundraising?

Be gentle with yourself, there will be days when you feel like crawling under the duvet, if you can do. Get your energy levels up & indulge a bit until the tide passes. It has been described as a tsunami of grief and it is at first then gradually a wave until you wake up one day & it isn't so all consuming. Still hits you behind the knees on occasion but generally better.

All the best to you for your ongoing battle.

This is incredible. You really should write for a living.

It may be comforting for women in a similar situation to know there are no asylums any more and the process to actually commit someone takes a lot. Out and about at the mo, but will come and explain more when I get back to my PC.

Keema
Yes, I think it is important to point out that having a partner committed isn't a simple matter of telling everyone she is mad and it is done.

The imagination of the OW seems to have run away with her, is she thought that this was in any way plausible.

Lots of women lurk on MN without posting and I wouldn't want one anyone to be worried this could actually happen.

Wow OP. You know you said you want advice on how to move forward but tbh it sounds like you are doing an amazing job all by yourself. To not stoop to their level and only wish to protect your kids from this woman, and to step back and focus on your children and yourself rather than revenge or trying to put your own (veyr understandable) feelings of hurt and anger at the forefront is incredibly admirable. It sounds as though you have already come a hell of a long way and are doing amazingly. The old cliche about time is so true and I think all you need to do is carry on being the fantastic woman and mother that you are and also to keep focusing on yourself as an adult apart from your role as a mother. Carry on taking clasees, meet new people and maybe thing about re-training / a return to work when you are ready. Honestly very few people appear to be able to manage such a terrible experience with such a level headed and graceful outlook on life and the situation. Thats wonderful.

I think counselling is a good idea, but I also would advise taking up something such as meditation, you already sound like a very self-aware and reflective person and many meditative practices help you to tap into this even further, realise even more your strength and also how to sit with the more diffcult emotions and allow yourself to experience them without them overwhelming you with feelings of self-doubt and low self-worth.

You sound incredibly inspiring, well done and I think you are a very strong woman.

All the best.

:-)

And also for posters generally no you can no longer just get someone 'taken away' / 'locked up' by making up mental health issues..this is not Jane Eyre ffs.

Just to be clear - 'There are two main civil sections of the Mental Health Act 1983, which are used to detain someone: section 2 and section 3. For each section, three people must agree that the individual needs to be detained. Usually, they would be an Approved Mental Health Professional (AMHP), a section 12 approved doctor and a registered medical practitioner.' (From MIND)

I have personally been present at more than one meeting regarding sectioning people and I can assure anyone concerned that you cannot just waltz in and claim someone is 'mad' and get them sectioned. That woman is living on another planet to think so.

If you wish to read more about sectioning the Mind website is really useful.

This is astonishing; I can think of no other words to describe it.

Blimey. I thought this only happened in psycho films. I may be speechless for once.

Thanks SundaysGirl, saved me a job!