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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He wants to move in, I'm a bit shocked!!!

51 replies

sodthis · 25/08/2012 20:38

So I've been with my partner just over a year, it has been very up and down if I'm honest, he lost his job went into depression, that was the downward spiral for us really.He did find another job through a friend eventually but he hates it and its really rubbish pay, so although a job his depression never really lifted. We both have our own houses, he has lodges which helps him financially he has savings etc. I have my own house with my children we only live a 2 minute drive from each other so its been perfect really. He then got this skin condition were it has effected his hands and feet badly, he can't walk, he has lost all his nails, this has effected his job as he hasn't been able to work its effected us as the depression has continued, he has become more and more distant, no social life together, no sex life, I have been really down about it as all I've been is a nurse of late in the hope things will get better.

We are going on holiday Monday me, him and the kids, he's really hoping we can get that spark back and then even suggested he moved in with us after we get back as he wants us to work. But how can I be sure he won't be constantly depressed, I mean he's always got his own house to go back to if things didn't work out, but I just don't feel ready for this and surprised he even suggested it, but he was just so wanting us to work out.

Would you want him to kind of prove himself first, I haven't been all that happy and I'm not sure its the best thing for me and my kids yet. I'm not sure what I want from posting this, just to get it off my chest. I'm really not sure I could ever live with someone again I like it just the 3 of us, but something wants me to be a family again too. I should go with my gut instinct shouldn't I? I just don't know why suddenly he wants to live with us after being so distant and down I'm confused :-/

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 25/08/2012 20:41

I'll keep it brief, Don't do it.

CarnivorousPanda · 25/08/2012 20:42

He probably wants to move in cos there are obvious benefits for him.

The question is what him moving in will do for you?

On this evidence, I'd say practically nothing...................

javotte · 25/08/2012 20:42

Things have to work out before you live together, especially when kids are involved. Don't let him move in.

onemoreforgoodmeasure · 25/08/2012 20:44

I took 4 years to invite OH to move in (My issues, he's great). You take your time. DO NOT feel rushed into making a decision you aren't sure about. And you don't have to defend your position if it's truley not up for debate, and something like this can't be.

Spellcheck · 25/08/2012 20:46

Nooo!! If you don't think it would be right for you and your children, then it wouldn't be. You are kind, but you have yourself and your dc to think of. I'm sure he's lovely but it sounds as though he might become a drain...

sodthis · 25/08/2012 20:46

No its silly even thinking about it I know. I'm just confused as to why he wants to. He needs to prove to me first he's good for me and the kids, I don't want a miserable git moving in with us. I don't feel I know the real him or maybe the depressed guy is him no your right. He has mentioned it a few times but today he was really serious about it!

OP posts:
pictish · 25/08/2012 20:49

Of course he wants to move in - it would benefit him no end!
It wouldn't benefit you though, so don't bloody do it!

Pochemuchka · 25/08/2012 20:50

I'm afraid I'd say don't do it too.

And I say that as someone who has DC with someone with depression.

He didn't get help for 2 years and it nearly destroyed me emotionally and psychologically too having to be strong for the DC and try and support him through it.

You've only been together for a year and it sounds like it's been tough going. It was hard enough for me with a long shared history and DC and he was extremely selfish throughout (I don't mean it nastily, it's just the depression consumed him).

If you definitely want to stay with him and want the relationship to work I'd wait until all his psychological problems are under control and have been consistently for a while. You can still support him through it but while looking out for your own and your DC's wellbeing first.
All the best x

wannabedomesticgoddess · 25/08/2012 20:51

He has everything to gain by moving in. You only have things to lose (like your sanity) so dont do it.

I dont mean this in a harsh way, but why are you with him? Is it out of pity? Thats how it sounds from your op. You should be with someone who makes you happy. All couples have ups and downs, but you sound like you both have more downs.

Please trust your gut!

coppertop · 25/08/2012 20:52

" I haven't been all that happy and I'm not sure its the best thing for me and my kids yet."

That's what you need to remind yourself.

If he moves in he gets an on-call nurse, someone to take his frustrations out on when he's feeling down, and the security of still having his own home to return to.

You get an extra person to look after, a distant and constantly depressed man moping around the place, and have your normal family life disrupted.

Don't do it.

solidgoldbrass · 25/08/2012 20:52

Never mind not letting him move in, bin him! What on earth is he bringing to your life if he is broke, depressed and ill? He wants to move in with you so he can have domestic and sexual servicing on tap. Total cocklodger alert, get rid!

susiedaisy · 25/08/2012 20:52

I wouldn't

RandomMess · 25/08/2012 20:54

Just say NO

pictish · 25/08/2012 20:55

I agree - if this is what you've had to deal with in a single year, I'd be more inclined to be thinking of finishing things rather than escalating them.
NO to the moving in! No no no!

Your kids come first.

Olympicnmix · 25/08/2012 20:55

SGB says what we're all thinking

EnjoyResponsibly · 25/08/2012 20:56

The hands and feet thing finished it for me. Boak.

I'm with SGB.

EnjoyResponsibly · 25/08/2012 20:58

He sounds like The Fly bloke Envy (not envy, Vom face)

sodthis · 25/08/2012 20:59

No I'm not going to do it as I said it came as a complete shock, it sounds all good when he puts it as he did, he can be a charmer, but I'm listening to my gut now with your help to give me a shake. A month or so ago I was seriously considering ending it as I felt so low. I guess love and the fact he loves my kids has kept us together, that his main strength he is VERY good with the kids but I can't live with someone with depression I know that god it would be a nightmare!!!!

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 25/08/2012 21:05

Also, I would bet that the 'good with the kids' thing would disappear the minute he got his feet under the table.
It's fine to be single. Never, ever, ever compromise just so as not to be single. A couple-relationship is not compulsory, and should only be maintained if it brings a lot of good things to your life. This one's going nowhere so get rid.

Pochemuchka · 25/08/2012 21:06

sodthis please be strong and stick to your guns when you tell him too. I know it can be really hard and make you feel guilty when you have to tell someone with depression something they don't want to hear and he might try and emotionally blackmail you.
You and your kids are the most important thing here. Oh and just because he's good with the kids doesn't make him a good partner for you.

thenightsky · 25/08/2012 21:06

God don't have him moving in!

See how he is on holiday, but don't go chasing around after him, just let him be 'himself' so you can gauge how he is, the REAL him etc.

Moving in... no way at this point.

pictish · 25/08/2012 21:07

Agree with SGB - he has nothing to offer you - and him being 'good with the kids' is neither here nor there - he will be no use with the kids if he is depressed, skint and ill... just another dependent for you to take care of.
Who needs it? Not you!

sodthis · 25/08/2012 21:07

I know I would really like to be treated like a princess for a change, its been so long since I had that....are there men out there that do I need one????

OP posts:
CarnivorousPanda · 25/08/2012 21:08

Glad to hear you're not letting him move in.

Now is there any way you can bail out of the holiday? From your description of him, it doesn't sound like it'll be much fun............

dequoisagitil · 25/08/2012 21:09

He sounds awful. FGS don't let him move in.