He wants to move in, I'm a bit shocked!!!

[sodthis]

So I've been with my partner just over a year, it has been very up and down if I'm honest, he lost his job went into depression, that was the downward spiral for us really.He did find another job through a friend eventually but he hates it and its really rubbish pay, so although a job his depression never really lifted. We both have our own houses, he has lodges which helps him financially he has savings etc. I have my own house with my children we only live a 2 minute drive from each other so its been perfect really. He then got this skin condition were it has effected his hands and feet badly, he can't walk, he has lost all his nails, this has effected his job as he hasn't been able to work its effected us as the depression has continued, he has become more and more distant, no social life together, no sex life, I have been really down about it as all I've been is a nurse of late in the hope things will get better.

We are going on holiday Monday me, him and the kids, he's really hoping we can get that spark back and then even suggested he moved in with us after we get back as he wants us to work. But how can I be sure he won't be constantly depressed, I mean he's always got his own house to go back to if things didn't work out, but I just don't feel ready for this and surprised he even suggested it, but he was just so wanting us to work out.

Would you want him to kind of prove himself first, I haven't been all that happy and I'm not sure its the best thing for me and my kids yet. I'm not sure what I want from posting this, just to get it off my chest. I'm really not sure I could ever live with someone again I like it just the 3 of us, but something wants me to be a family again too. I should go with my gut instinct shouldn't I? I just don't know why suddenly he wants to live with us after being so distant and down I'm confused :-/

Then again I love doing things on my own with the children. I even went abroad with them last year it was fab. I think I might actually be happier on my own, I think I may have been blinded tbh!!! hmmmmm thanks guys xx

Some guys, to make you feel loved and valued, offer the 'next stage' of commitment to show how much they 'care'. But it's actually about getting their feet under the table, not about how much they love you. They're just users. He sounds like one.

I didn't actually think about that dequoisagtil, that may well be it!!!!

Kindest possible interpretation: he is going through a genuinely bad patch, and thinks moving in with you will make it all better. It won't, of course. If he does manage to gradually sort out the depression and other problems, then hooray, but it'll happen irrespective of where he's living.

Unkindest interpretation: see all other posts.

Either way I think it's a "No" to moving in isn't it.

What's your gut feeling about him? Genuine bad patch or is he just one of life's perpetual victims?

I do think that he senses you're getting sick of it, and so is upping his game in the commitment stakes to try to keep you. But it's not worth it. There's no joy in being tied to someone like this.

x-posts.

Well that was a dilemma quickly solved

This sounds utterly miserable for you. You don't owe it to him to be in a relationship just because he is having a hard time. I'm with those suggesting bin him. Move in- fuck no!

If you did let him move in, I think you'd have a job ever getting him out.

Showed your first post to DH - his comment was "He just wants to be looked after"

he moved in with us after we get back as he wants us to work

You don't fix relationships by moving in together. (I know you know this). A relationship is good and then when you both think it will be even better if you live together, you do that. An ailing relationship is going to implode if two people cohabit on that basis.

Avoid, avoid, avoid. And you do need to break it off with him as well, I think - he's not really in a good place to be in a relationship. I don't think it's fair to you or your dc.

Don't move him in .

The very fact your questioning the idea should tell you it's not the right thing to do for you .

When you move in with someone you both should be excited and giddy with future plans . You just sound down .

.

Tbh I'd bin the bloke , he's not exactly a catch .

No don't worry I won't I know deep down we are a long way away from moving in, I think I always did I just needed to type it out. I assure you he isn't completely awful, but I'm not sure he is the right partner for me if I'm honest. I'm going on this holiday now, as we have all been looking forward to it, I'm packed and ready to go, maybe it will help make a decision on whether the relationship is worth continuing with but no to moving I do completely agree! I would say the same myself on here. I think your right by saying he thinks by suggesting it it shows how much he loves me, but I don't think its the right time at all. He needs to prove he loves me in other ways first, I'm not sure he will or even knows how to, but maybe I will see the real him on holiday. If he's a nightmare I will just go off with the kids and leave him to be miserable somewhere else lol!!

Yes you are right - if he wants to prove his love he can do it by sorting his shit out, rather than becoming another child for you to look after.

You sound a pretty sorted person Sodthis, I'm sure you'll make the right decision. Can't help feeling that he may have latched on to you precisely because you are sorted and strong!

Hope you have a great holiday either way.

Thank u madbuslady, I am fairly strong as I've been through alot of shit, that makes u strong, but sometimes I do get taken in and I have before stayed in a relationship hoping things would get better, trying to sort out their shit, but I couldn't and it just brought me down. I can't help feeling I'm doing the same thing again. I just wish I didn't fall in love with them grrrrrrr

Maybe chuck back this stinky fish and do the Freedom Programme or something like that, to help you build your thresholds and boundaries up.

My advice is, never take on a fixer-upper as a lover. They suck. And not in a good way.

I wonder what this disease is that causes his nails to fall off. Save me lots of googling and tell me???

Its psoriasis, it not nice can effect anywhere on his body, has been alot worse this year as stress, depression is a contributing factor !

Do you really love him? Or are you just used to him and feel bad about dumping a depressed, ill man?

I don't actually know Erik I obviously must have feelings for him to have stuck with him though this so far. I have ended it before but he always talks me round but things don't get any better :-(

Haven't read all of the thread but just wanted to reply to this: "but something wants me to be a family again too".... You and your DC are a family, you don't need a man to complete you.

Please don't let him move in, for your dc's sake. He sounds toxic.

No I won't and that is very true :-) x

Agree with other posters. Don't let him move in. Consider leaving the relationship. For your own good...for the kids.

Don't live with a depressed partner. I do and it is shit.

They make EVERYTHING less bright and shiny. Everything.

That sounds crap lostmyidenity......does he get any help for it, not sure if it even works. I've lived with someone very moody before , that was before I had kids hated it, spent most of my time in tears I can't put the kids through that!

You've only been together for a year. Would often still be in the 'honeymoon' period at this point. I don't reckon it'll get any better than this. What do you get out of this - no social life together, crap sex-life, must be draining for you and difficult to find time/energy for your DCs if you've got a guy like this moping about. Sorry to sound unsympathetic to him but he's not your responsibility/problem. Needs to sort himself out.