Trapped overseas with miserable husband. Need help.

[CurlyWurlyShirly]

Hi have n/changed as am semi-regular long term poster and don't want to out myself too much.

I am British, married and live in DH's country. We moved here a number of years ago and have children. I have no family here, but have established friends and the kids are settled.

Our relationship has been generally happy but has involved a LOT of compromise on my part to make it work. DH is VERY moody, always has been either great fun, lively and charming or utterly miserable. He is unhappy in his job, and recently missed out on a "great job" (which would have meant a $30k salary drop (!!!??!). He is working full time and also studying so his is exhausted poor bugger.

Anyway, since this latest set back he is utterly utterly grumpy, vile to me and the children (primary school age). He now wants to look for a job in a different city, which would be a plane journey away from here, so uprooting us all again. I would know no one, have no desire to move and leave friends and support network again. He feels his career is going nowhere, he is unhappy and sees no prospect for change. Also that if I say that I wont move then his unhappyness WILL BE ALL MY FAULT.

Whilst I do sympathise with him, I really don't want to have to shift again. What I really want is to go home. To move back to the UK and be close to my aging parents and extended family and old mates. I know he would never come back, so am stuck here. Am I unreasonable to stay where we are with friends and support around?

I feel like he is never happy in his work, and if we make another big more then he will still be unhappy (once the initial thrill has worn off) as that is his nature, and I will be left trying to rebuild my life in a new city, which as I've done it before I know I can do. Doesn't fill me with joy though.

I don't think you're unreasonable to dig your heels in.

He sounds a very all or nothing personality, which while good on the highs, is horrible on the lows. He's a catastrophist, where there are never any grey areas but any disappointment is disaster and there can never be any recovery. "We're doomed!"

I think you should stay where you are or come home.

Don't you think you've compromised enough? It sounds to me like it';s about time you told him to either get a grip or fuck off, you can't live your life tiptoeing round his ego just in order to be Not Single.

What is he studying? Does he have a plan for when that course ends? Why does he want to change jobs now - purely because of job misery?

You mention that the possible new city is 'a plane journey away' - to me that sounds as if you are considering staying put with the children while he commutes - weekly? Is that possible? I wonder if it might actually give you a break from his mood swings while remaining in the relationship?

dequoisagitil you are EXACTLY right about him being a catastrophist. He is walking around at the moment like the world has ended because he missed out on this one job. It is very wearing.

Solidgoldbrass thank you. I think I need to have a big kick up the arse about how I'm operating. It's just hard when he is so controlling and manipulative at times (and then be so loving and nice when he gets his own way) to figure out what is reasonable and what isn't.

I feel like my life is not at all where I want it to be. And I've had enough. I think a lot about separating and look forward with great relief to the nights when he is out and days like today, when he is at Uni, and the kids and I can just relax and get on with life.

Doesn't sound great does it?

Joan, he is studying for a post grad business thing. It's really full on. Particularly when combined with full time work, so he is stressed and exhausted.

But yes, he wants to change jobs because he hates the one that he is in and feels that his career is off track.

I would love it if he could commute weekly. It would give us a MUCH needed break from each other, but he would have to be earning mega bucks for us to afford it - unless the kids and I moved to a cheaper house of course . . . . . .

Thank you Joan, I appreciate your thoughts. Some friends have done the FI-FO (fly in/fly out) thing (works in mining) for the past year and both say it's done WONDERS for their marriage.

Do you work outside the home as well?

Hi, sorry, had to take the kids swimming.

Yes, I work 3 days for a charity. Pay is shite, but the people are nice. I'd have to give that up too if we moved obv. When we moved out here I had to give up my professional career as my qualifications weren't valid out here.

Man, I am a Martyr!

I suppose I'm in a similar situation really. My dh is a 'mover'. He seems to see it as an answer. Like the Billy Goats Gruff. He took a job here without telling me . He is lovely generally though. We have a good relationship but with this ridiculous situation where he wants to live here and I don't. On the last year he has wanted to move to PNG, Perth and QLD. Oh, and Hong Kong.

I am going back to the uk this time next year with or without him. I am not spending the rest of my life as his wing man.

Christ Savoy, I am shocked at your dh - sounds worse than mine. . The PNG thing sounds familiar, this year DH has got excited about moving to Kakadu, PNG, Singapore as well as other cities - was sort of hopeful about Singers, nearer home. Do you have children?

Have you told him you are going back to the UK? How has he taken it? Would you take children with you???

I am happy here 80% of the time I think. Miserable for 20%. Is that ok or not? Is it enough to uproot the family for? I am so unclear about where to go from here.

We had always talked about living in Australia, we have lived here before, for two years before we had dc. So it's not like it was totally out of the blue. It is ridiculous though! I always say, if it was my best friend this had happened to I would be horrified. My dh is a lovely, lovely man. He is not British so he was really unhappy there.

My dds are 5 and 8. They were 2 and 5 when we came here. He knows I am not happy here. I have a life. I have made friends, I have just gone back to work. There is nothing wrong with Australia it's just not how I want to live my life. I want to share my girls with my family. I want to be a part of things. I don't want to be an immigrant. I find it wearing. My friends here are going to weddings and their cousins are having babies and they are going to their parents in the holidays and we are not. In fact, those things are still going on in the UK and we are not a part of them.

My dh thinks I am bonkers for wanting to go back as we have a nice life here. He thinks the UK is going down to toilet. But even if it is, it's my toilet.

I think his and my definitions of a better life are so different. We live in a big house here, the school has an enormous playground with goats and chickens, he makes a lot of money, we can go to the beach and the park all the time.

That's all well and good but I want to have my Mam at the nativity play. I want to be there when my best friend gets married. I want to know who to ring when there's a gas leak.

I so get where you're coming from Savoy. My dh too can't understand why anyone would want to live in the UK again. He too is convinced Europe is going down the gurgler and would be too depressing to be there. We also have a nice life where we are, good school for the kids, nice house, and I am happy here, blah blah but it's not home.

I completely agree with the wanting family round. I feel like I have stolen my children's early childhoods from my lovely parents and it's shit.

You see salary as important, and he doesn't: he's looking for something other than the money. He's unhappy at work, the disappointment in being unable to secure the change that mattered so much to him has out him in a dismally.

Instead of questioning the salary and what is important in his working life, I think you should try to find out what it is that actually matters to him. what was it about the job he failed to secure?

For only them can you find out if there is a practical way to secure what he's looking for without this move. For there may be other posts coming up that offer what he seeks: what might fulfill his criteria? You cannot persuade him to stay put and keep looking if you don't know what he is looking for, and whether it's needle in haystack or frequent opportunity.

Of course, you don't have to look at it from his pov, and if you don't want to, I would start to think about a proper return to job market for you. It will increase your circle of acquaintances wherever you end up, could replace the income the potential loss of which you find so baffling, or could be the start of the fund for you to leave.

Thank you Edith, the job that he missed out on was much more "him" than his current job, the company was a better fit for him and he felt the work was more creative (don't want to say much more). I agree that the salary obviously wasn't his main motivator in this job, but he is usually very motivated by money, he is ambitious financially and that is prompting the move to another city - alongside a better job fit.

One of the problems is that the city in which we live has a very limited job pool in his field, he is quite right that if he wants to follow his ambitions then he would have to move, or be very lucky to get one of the few posts here.

Good point Edith about identifying what actually matters to him re career/life/family etc. I think a list is called for. Btw, I don't find the income drop baffling - or at least only in as much as we are already stretched for cash so an undiscussed $30K drop was a bit of a shocker.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What SGB stated earlier.

He sounds like he got stuck emotionally at 14 as well. What are his parents like btw?. How do you get on with his parents?.

Your H has and continues to call all the shots and he is all too happy to blame you for all his inherent ills. He is supposedly happy because you have compromised throughout and its still not enough for him. He will not change and such men do not change; he could land another job in another location and still be miserable after a short period of time. He will then blame you for his inherent ills yet again.

Moving won't solve anything, he will just catastrophise all over again. Its in his very personality and nature and you probably now wonder which way is up as you've become conditioned to his control and manipulation. I also do not think curly you are actually happy 80 percent of the time; you only seem truly happy when he is absent. That tells me a great deal.

You are not and have never been responsible for his happiness.

If you move again I would cut my losses with your H and return to the UK with your children.

This is no ideal relationship model for your children is it, what do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. They are being imparted damaging lessons here.

Attila, I agree he will not change, and if we move we will be in the same place, with him dissatisfied and blaming me/the job/the city etc after a few months or years.

You asked what I get out of the relationship now, well, when he's not in a grump, we have a good laugh together, we get on well (at least superficially), he is fun and a good dad. Also works hard, and looks after us. He is a good husband in lots of ways.

I'm not sure what you mean by not being a good relationship model for the kids. We have a more complex life than just this one issue. Ok so I have made a MASSIVE compromise by moving here, but marriage is compromise isn't it some of the time? Also I haven't been clubbed and dragged here by my hair, we aren't in the arse end of nowhere in some ghastly place, it is nice here in lots of ways.

Also we love each other. It's complicated.

The number of unhappy women I know or know of living abroad who are there because of their DHs is crazy , I never seem to hear about it the other way round though.

Personally I would come home and let him live in a country he doesnt want to

Attila, you are right though, I think I am happier when he is absent. It's just easier.

His parents are lovely btw, I get on with them very well. However, his dad always called the shots and his mum was very much the traditional housewife.

Hi CurlyWurly,

re your comment:-
"You asked what I get out of the relationship now, well, when he's not in a grump, we have a good laugh together, we get on well (at least superficially), he is fun and a good dad. Also works hard, and looks after us. He is a good husband in lots of ways".

Ah the good dad comment, I was waiting for that one. Many women in your type of situation often write that when they themselves have NOTHING positive to say about their man. Many emotionally abusive men are also not abusive all the time; they can do "nice" long enough for their victim to hope forlornly that this niceness will continue. But the cycle of nice/nasty is a continuous one and you thus find yourself walking on eggshells aka living in fear.

Is he really a good DH in lots of ways?. Fun and a good dad?. This man is and always has been very moody and awkward to live with. He's also now taking it out on the children; this is why I state it is not a good relationship model for them to be seeing. They are learning from him as well as you; how would you feel if your children ended up in a relationship model similar to yours?. You're happier too when you and he are apart. He has you on a strong which he yanks often; pull me push you if you will. You've done all the compromising whilst he is not willing to go back to the UK or Europe simply because in his view its going down the pan. He has never compromised on anything and will not because in his view you and by turn the children do not matter. Only he matters and he is chasing a pipe dream blaming everyone else except him for his problems. Hence this is also why I think he got stuck emotionally at 14.

I also think you love him far more than he loves you; if he truly loved you he would not willingly put you through all this blaming you for his unhappiness stuff. He is using his moods to control you and tosses you just enough affection and niceness now and again for you to hang on in there. Love should not be such hard work honestly.

Re his parents:-
"However, his dad always called the shots and his mum was very much the traditional housewife".
This is the pattern that your H went on to learn from his own parents and is now being repeated in your household. His mother probably went along with what her man wanted out of wanting a quiet life. Its not enough for you now and you want change. You can only change how you react to him/

I would seriously consider returning to the UK without him. One day your children will leave home and then it will be just you and your DH. What then for you?.

Was your own upbringing fairly traditional, Shirley? I'm getting the impression that you absorbed the idea that men matter more than women, and that you exist for a husband's benefit - or at least, you've got stuck on the idea that the couple-relationship, having one and keeping one, is compulsory for women.

I just wouldn't have emigrated for a man's sake in the first place, there are plenty of other men. And the idea of living with a sulky unpredictable selfish knob like this one sounds, miles away from my family... ugh.

Is he bothered by the fact that your unhappiness is his fault?

V good point purple pidjin. No I would say that he isn't bothered by that. But then I never say that it is his fault. After all, I made the choice to come here - even if that choice wasn't an equal one ie stay in the UK or move o/s.

SGB, no my family upbringing wasn't particularly conventional no. I am not obsessed with keeping a relationship at all costs by any means. However I do think that relationships should be given every chance to succeed (as long as it isn't abusive in any way) and that children should be given a fighting chance at a stable upbringing.

Also I think that no relationship is glorious all the time. But what I'm struggling with is what is reasonable to compromise on and what isn't.

If he was a thug and bashed me or had affairs I wouldn't hesitate in leaving.

Attila, I am interested in what you say. It makes me feel a bit sick to read actually, but I think that's because some of it is quite close to the bone. I do need to think about it and digest. Thank you for taking the time to post.

Hi curlywurly,

re your comment:-
"If he was a thug and bashed me or had affairs I wouldn't hesitate in leaving".

Hmm. This is easy to say, bur far harder to do for all sorts of reasons. Many women in abusive relationships do not find it at all easy to leave and it can take several attempts to finally break free of abuse.

Abuse, however, can come in many forms. I would argue that he is emotionally abusive towards both you and the children. You all respond to his ever changing moods. Your H has never been reasonable; its either his way or no way as far as he is concerned. You and by turn the children are but of secondary consideration to him.

What Attila said. A man who insists on being the centre point of the whole family, whose moods have to be indulged, whose needs have to take priority otherwise everyone suffers is abusive.