Trapped overseas with miserable husband. Need help.

[CurlyWurlyShirly]

Hi have n/changed as am semi-regular long term poster and don't want to out myself too much.

I am British, married and live in DH's country. We moved here a number of years ago and have children. I have no family here, but have established friends and the kids are settled.

Our relationship has been generally happy but has involved a LOT of compromise on my part to make it work. DH is VERY moody, always has been either great fun, lively and charming or utterly miserable. He is unhappy in his job, and recently missed out on a "great job" (which would have meant a $30k salary drop (!!!??!). He is working full time and also studying so his is exhausted poor bugger.

Anyway, since this latest set back he is utterly utterly grumpy, vile to me and the children (primary school age). He now wants to look for a job in a different city, which would be a plane journey away from here, so uprooting us all again. I would know no one, have no desire to move and leave friends and support network again. He feels his career is going nowhere, he is unhappy and sees no prospect for change. Also that if I say that I wont move then his unhappyness WILL BE ALL MY FAULT.

Whilst I do sympathise with him, I really don't want to have to shift again. What I really want is to go home. To move back to the UK and be close to my aging parents and extended family and old mates. I know he would never come back, so am stuck here. Am I unreasonable to stay where we are with friends and support around?

I feel like he is never happy in his work, and if we make another big more then he will still be unhappy (once the initial thrill has worn off) as that is his nature, and I will be left trying to rebuild my life in a new city, which as I've done it before I know I can do. Doesn't fill me with joy though.

However I do think that relationships should be given every chance to succeed (as long as it isn't abusive in any way) and that children should be given a fighting chance at a stable upbringing.

It takes two to make a relationship work and what is he bringing to this table exactly emotionally speaking?.

"Also I think that no relationship is glorious all the time. But what I'm struggling with is what is reasonable to compromise on and what isn't".

Not all relationships are indeed glorious all the time but in many emotionally healthy relationships the power balance is pretty much equal and there is room for compromise and negotiation.

I don't think he knows the meaning of the word compromise; you have given up a great deal for him and he has not reciprocated at all. He does not want to return to the UK or Europe because in his view its going down the tubes. He has moved you all to the other side of the world and for what?. Him chasing another job in yet another city that he will end up hating and blaming you again for his inherent unhappiness. He will never be happy unless he has a sea change of attitude and that is not going to happen.

Crescentmoon I'm interested in you accepting the moves. Do you move often? Are you abroad?

Attila, he brought us to the other side of the world as he was very unhappy with his life in the UK - after 10 years he was v homesick. He wanted a better quality of life, which we have got I suppose. Although I wasn't unhappy in the UK like he was.

I agree that it is essentially his nature to be continually dissatisfied.

I think I need to read up on Emotional abuse, not sure if he is or not. But this relationship definately doesn't feel equal emotionally speaking at all.

Thing is, if he's one of nature's naturally dissatisfied, even moving again isn't going to make him happy. :(

I moved out to Australia with DH so he could be back near his family - since we've been here, he's been offered a promotion within his company but that would mean moving to Melbourne. I've told him it's not an option - it was a massive upheaval for me to come here, leaving everything I know, family, friends, home, job - and now I've carved out a niche here for myself and got some good friends, I am absolutely not prepared to chuck all that out the window and go to a new city again. But then I don't think he'd really want to either - the main reason he was so keen to get back was to be near his mum, so what would be the point moving a 12h drive away from her?

Yes I might be holding him back - but I don't see that as anything in comparison to what he's effectively done to me, albeit with my agreement.

So - what do you do about it - that's the hard bit. Can he not see what a sacrifice you have already made for him? Do you tend to pander to his moods and not let your own impact on him at all? I'd be tempted to start being a little more moody yourself, make him see that you do have emotions about the situation and that you're not prepared to be carted around like some piece of furniture, to suit his whims.

Thanks Thumbwitch. It's reassuring to hear of someone who's stood up for themselves in a similar situation. How did your dh take it when you gave a definative 'no'?

Not too badly really - as I said, he wants to be close to his mum and he did understand how hard it was for me to come over here and forge new links with people - he already had his family, but no friends (well not living close) so I had to do it all myself - thank goodness for DS!
So he accepted that it would be pretty mean to uproot me again so soon (we've been here just 3 years now); and once DS is settled into school and so on I'll have more of a case for not moving again.

But he sounds a lot more considerate of my feelings than your DH does, sadly for you. :(

I know a few trailing spouse men. Not where she is a high flying career woman but where she has driven the move and got the visa and he is giving it a go. I can think of three off the top of my head.

In one, she has left her dh, she is a ridiculous flighty thing lurching from one drama to the next. He got full custody of the dc.

I think the reason it is mostly men that want to emigrate, is thst women are more emotional about the people they are leaving behind.

My dh had already made that move much earlier in his life as he had to leave his (third world) country to go to university. Since then, his parents have emigrated to the US. There is no doubt really that their lives have been improved by that move. So it seems more 'normal' to my dh to move in that way I suppose.

Thanks crescentmoon for the link. It makes an interesting read.

Savoy, one of the reasons DH pisses me off (here I go) is that we moved here supposedly to be near his aging and (sometimes) poorly folks. If he ever showed any interest in seeing them and spending time with them it would be one thing, but he never sees them and constantly moans about them - and his brother who lives in the same town.

Anyhoo, if anyone is interested, I had a couple of wines last night and after dh drooped around the house sighing heavily and wincing whenever the kids tried to engage with him, I let him have it with both barrels. He claimed he "can't help" his mood, while, I am concerned he is depressed (which he was when we lived in the UK), I think it's more manipulation really. He spent the night in the spare room - his choice - but this morning whilst still moping around like a wet rag, at least he wished his daughter happy party and gave the kids kisses before he went to uni - FIRST TIME FOR AGES.

So we have a little progress. TBH I think I need to grow a pair and not tiptoe around him anymore. I need to show our children that women are not doormats (thank you Attila and SGB). I need to stand up for myself and he needs to understand he's not on a pedestal any more.

KAPOW!

Well done! Hope it lasts! And that bit about his family made me quite on your behalf, actually - he's doing the manchild thing of emotionally manipulating you for sure!

Tell him if he wants to go off elsewhere, he can; but you're staying put. See how he likes them apples!

Well done Curly, I just read your thread and am pleased to see in the last comment that you are making progress and DH is making an effort. It is a good start.

Hi There

Just to drop in - and sounds like you have a positive talk so don't want to be negative in anyway as hopefully you will work things our with your DH - but as an FYI/note of caution if things take a turn for the worse - I came to Australia when I was pregnant with my DS. When he was 2 my DH left for OW and despite my whole life, friends, family and career being in the UK I am unable to return due to the Hague Convention as my DH will not permit it....its two years later and we are making a life here but I just wanted to reference that if you do enter 'properly' shaky ground, you should check in with your local laws to see what your options are. Again, don't mean to scaremonger or be negative - I hope your relationship gets back on track very much - but it is always good to know the facts just in case. I never ever envisonged us splitting - so didn't do my homework - and wish I had ; ( - good luck and hope things get better my love xxx

Thank you downunderdolly, I am so sorry to hear of your experience. I would be in similar circumstances to you if we split up and dh didn't give permission to return. Which is the most awful thought.

DH and I managed a massive row last night. He is hugely stressed about being the main wage earner, feels I contribute nothing and me wanting to go back to UK for visit (3rd one in 6) years just adds to his stress. He feels like he is heading for a breakdown and I am a "fucking bitch", for suggesting he is being manipulative and passive aggressive.

He basically want to live like he did in his 20's kid and responsibility free - he feels incredibly hard done by that he/we can afford to go out to restaurants, etc etc like we used to.

He is exhausted from his study & work, he's coming up to a really busy time at work and feels stuck and hopeless at work.

I feel really sorry for him, I know he is having a really hard time coping with work/study. I can find a better paid job, but as I cant work in what I was trained to to, my options are limited, and the kids are quite small still (youngest in reception) so am reluctant to work f/t if I don't have to as think it impacts negatively on them.

I think we should be able to manage on what we both earn right now but have to accept that we can just spend money like we used to.

I did ask if he wanted to live alone for a while, he said no and asked if that's what I wanted. I really don't know. I don't want things to continue as they are but I don't want us to split either.

oh Curly, sorry to hear that. :(

Look, he might not think he's being emotionally manipulative but he so is! He's stressed, he thinks he might be heading for a breakdown, he wants to live the life of the young and free but you're the fucking bitch?

Is he really that selfish and self-absorbed? He needs to grow the fuck up, scuse the language. It's NOT all about him any more - he has you and the DC to consider and he just HAS to get used to that concept!

Re. going back to the UK - you might have to shelve that plan for a bit if money is genuinely tight - I don't suppose your parents/family would be able to help out with the fares, would they? I know it's an enormous outlay and I know they shouldn't have to but it might offset some of your DH's "stress".

As for you contributing nothing, well that's just pathetic invective. Of course you're contributing! P/T work = contributing, looking after the DC = contributing, looking after the house and his shit = contributing.

I know you feel sorry for him but he's STILL making it "all about him" and not giving a shit about anyone else = STILL being manipulative.

What you do about it is anyone's guess though. :(

Thanks Thumb, it's not helped at the moment as I'm ill - got winter lurgy so nowt serious, just feel crap.

It's my dad's 70th this year, I wanted to get back and see him, but agree it would be better to leave it until Easter next year. Breaks my heart though. Family have offered to help, as have in-laws (who are both awesome).

I really don't know what to do. The thing is, I don't really know how to react, I'm angry with him and think he's being a knob but worried that he is really having some kind of depressive episode.

If he's really on a downward spiral with depression then he needs to go to the GP and get sorted. If he refuses to do that then he's being ridiculous. Yes I know that external circs can create depressed people but if he has a history of actual depression then he needs to take responsibility for that and STOP the spiral before it gets to "breakdown".

Can your ILs have a word to him about it? Or would he just ignore them as well?

I would take up the offer of going home from the inlaws. You need to see your family.
Then I would seriously think about what you want while you are apart. What YOU want and need. Then you are ready to duscuss things, it s about time your needs and want were considered in this partnership.

I don't know any wives whose men trail behind them, but I have at least three female friends who trail behind their husbands, and another equal amount who have similar jobs in the same place.

I wouldn't trail behind my husband, if he suggested going to live in Australia, I would let him go alone. I am too old to be an immigrant in a country I don't want to live in, and I love my wider family a lot and want to be part of their lives right now.

Not everyone is happy to trail round after a man just because he earns lots of money, especially if he is depressed and angry and this would leave you isolated and stressed yourself.

This may or may not relate to your situation, I just wanted you to know that it is not just a suck-it up situation. I would go home for a while and think what you would like, I certainly wouldn't move to somewhere else just for his job unless it's clear it's a good move for all of you.

I have been in an almost identical situation and ended up coming back to the UK alone. Dh followed a while afterwards, but I told him that it was his decision. I knew that even if it came to divorcing I couldn't have remained living abroad. We had a far more affluent lifestyle over there than we have here, and we both have badly paid jobs here which we are over qualified for but had to take as there was nothing else available. However, I wouldn't change my life now for the one I had then (Dh would like a shot!)
We go back overseas to visit the inlaws regularly and this only convinces me more that I did the right thing by coming home. There is nothing as wonderful for me as the airplane I am flying on coming into land at Heathrow, you can keep the sunshine, beaches and siestas.

Thank you all, for your help. And believe me it really is helpful to hear of others experience and views.

MrsMills how has your relationship been since you returned? I feel that if I insisted on a move back to the UK dh would be soo miserable I couldn't bear it and we would split anyway.

Thanks again.