Question to children of 'Narcissists'..?

[WorldOfMeh]

Hello... :)

I have noticed a lot of people mentioning Narcissism on this forum, and hadn't thought much about it until I happened to randomly click onto a link out of curiosity, which led me to a site aimed at daughter of narcissist mothers.

A lot of traits seemed to chime with a lot of what I remember of my mother, growing up. My father, according to the blurb, fitted into the 'Enabling Father' profile.

The thing is, although I am interested in researching this further in order to try to understand my own 'fuck-upednesses' and those within my family, I am finding myself wondering whether this is a type that comes in half-measures- or if people can change? (Even at her worst, I can't say that my mum exhibited all of the characteristics- although there were a few..!)

I get on very well with my mum now, but I feel she's quite a different person to the mother I grew up with- and aside from that, I know and understand that I can't expect her to be particularly engaged in anyone else, emotionally. She has her limitations, as we all do, but I also believe that she has tried to work on some of these things (without having discussed it directly) - so I am not comfortable with the more extreme 'cut them out' stuff I've come across online.

So... I guess I am also wondering if it's possible, supposing there are 'grades' of the type and dynamic, to use coping strategies in order to benefit all involved without demonising or antagonising anyone concerned? Or is it all just more labelling, basically re-stating the obvious?

Hope this makes some sort of sense- the wine fairies saw fit to visit me this evening, and I have been trying not to ramble too much!

Garlic, that post on diagnosis is useful. I do find it helpful to think of my ex in terms of NPD, because it gives me realistic expectations of his behaviour. But when I read a lot about the most extreme end of the spectrum, it can freak me out when it comes to access - "My baby is in the hands of a psychopath!"

Want to share those biscuits?

really helpful garlic, thank you

:) biscuits all round

Thanks for the advice everyone. Was hoping to make an appointment for GP to start with- would DD have to be there? I would find it easier at first if I was able to go and explain what shes saying, whats happened in the past, etc, without her being in the room, as she will get embarrassed/upset. I know she will no doubt be if it gets to counselling anyway, but if it's going to take a while to get the ball rolling, I don't want to get her worked up about it and have nothing to fall back on for a few months, IYSWIM?

Great idea to try Womens Aid! Do they have an email? I will google in a sec. I've tried checking around for local counsellers, but all the ones that say they deal with children seem to be aimed at anger management for teenagers, don't mention anything about self-esteem issues.

As Nickname said, I also find it easier to think in terms of NPD, as it gives me a guideline as to how/why ex behaves the way he does. I also find it helpful when trying to help DD over whatever it is he's done lately- when an 8 year old is telling you it's because her dad doesn't like her, I've found it helps her slightly to say that he does love her, but unfortunately the type of person he is means he does things like letting people down.

Just found the YoungMinds website, seems really informative and reassuring- I'll have a proper look over the weekend, just thought others may find it helpful.

Thanks Garlic I have acknowledged that I'll never know what my mum has that makes her the way she is and that the very nature of her mental state means that she will never see it as a problem (although everyone else will!).

I am aware that my mum suffered horrific abuse as a child and that a lot of her side of the family were in mental asylums with (sorry about the spelling) schizophrenia. I thought that her history would make it easier for the SS to understand that she's not well and couldn't possibly be well from her awful treatment as a child, but she still manages to paint a picture to them of being a charming mum who has been long suffering with an 'insane' daughter (seriously... she makes out that I was a hell child!)

BOTK good luck with your GP visit. I think that your GP would have considerably more information on the specific services that the children's mental health services can offer- the NHS aren't particularly good at outlining all of their local services clearly.

I used to have a friend who i suspect is a narc. Unfortunately those close to her don't seem to realise it and believed all the lies she told about me. She's incredibly manipulative and lies constantly to keep everyone where she wants them. I feel sorry for her young children.