I am struggling to accept that my friend is dying

[Hopefullyrecovering]

I can't quite believe this. She is 38, her DCs are 12 and 10 and she is dying. Horribly aggressive tumours, originally in the breast but the mets are in the bone and liver already.

I am posting partly out of shock and disbelief. She told us today - she found out two weeks ago but we were on holiday. I am so so sad, and I don't know how to help properly. Everything I think about that might be useful could be wrong. So please do tell me what to do that might help her.

These are the things that I have thought about:

1. Having the children as much as possible to allow her to rest. But then I thought she might want to spend as much time as she can with them right now. So I thought she would like if we offered to help during chemo sessions. Or anytime really.

1. Food. I can cook as much food as they might need. I can cook for them daily if required. I thought I could take casseroles/cakes/anything they might like around and leave them on the porch so that they don't have the bother of any social interaction but they do have the practical (and implied emotional) support

1. Flowers. I have sent flowers with our love. I'm going to keep sending them weekly. I cannot think of anything more lovely than flowers.

She is such a good person - only wanting to give to society. She is a doctor and her husband too. I know she will understand her condition fully and I know she will be grieving. He has this horribly busy job and she is ill and the children need taking care of. What else can I do, oh wise MNers? Is there anything you can think of that is not intrusive but is helpful?

Help with the kids when she's having chemo.
Depending on how long the chemo is each day, help by picking up kids from school if its something you can do.
Pre cooked in the freezer that you can throw in the microwave is always a huge help.

So sorry about your friend. Life is very unfair sometimes.

Help to support the children as well as they will be going through their own grief.

Oh goodness, I am crying just thinking about the children. Her DS is one of my DS's best friends. I will have them whenever she wants me to have them, of course. DS is panic-stricken. They are a huge part of our lives and we so want to help.

Oh Lord! I feel sick just reading that.

Right well first of all here is a big for you. This is awful and I'm afraid the next few months and years are going to be tough BUT you will get through it because your friend needs you at her back and her kids need people like you too. So lots of tears tonight and then put your armour on.

Children - she needs to be with them when she can be. So if you can help you need to tell her what you can do and then let her dictate when. Be specific though - 'I can take the kids swimming any night after school, I can do sleepovers on x nights etc' not just 'let me know what you need' The other thing she needs to do if she can is recording her memories for her dcs. So that when she's not there they have something. You can help her with that, suggest pictures, take videos, record things for her. Be upfront about wanting to help with this because her husband may not be able to face it and it should be done if she possibly can do it.

Flowers - lovely - but be there to take away the dead ones and wash the vases too.

At 38, with two young dcs, a life to enjoy and everything so full of possibility it doesn't seem possible to contemplate that it's achievable to have a good death. But it is. If her illness isn't curable then what's needed is love and honesty and care. A time of preparing and supporting. I think the most helpful thing you can do is give yourself to be a crutch. Grieve as you need to but above all carry your friend and let her know that you will keep on being interested in and caring for her dcs as they grow.

Oh I'm so sorry

When my friend was dying (different circumstances regarding children, hers were fully grown) I found the best thing (emotionally) was to guage her mood each time I saw her and respond accordingly. Sometimes she would want to reminisce, sometimes she wanted to talk about the practicalities after her death and sometimes she didn't want to address any of it at all and just natter about current affairs as if there was nothing wrong whatsoever.

Not sure if that helps

Give her your time is what I say. Tell/ask her if you can drop in any old time. Then do it and don 't shirk. If you are going anywhere nice ask her if she would like to go...you can pick her up. And her dcs too (ie treat them as a family unit). text her to meet for coffee, buy her little treats and just take them round or drop them off. Don't tip-toe around her. She has life left and she will want people to help her live it. The medical stuff is crap and the chemo is crap. So give her your time and some reminders that life goes on.

x posted. This is very scary for your dcs too. You must be honest with them. Tell them (if they don't already know) that X will be having treatment but that her illness cannot be cured. Reassure them about your own health if you can and let them know that it is ok to be sad together . They don't need to be anything other than 'normal' with their friends and if they or the other children are struggling with things you will be there to talk about it.

northernlurker said it better - I agree totally, be specific. And actually follow through. What a lovely friend you sound. Also take your DC and let her dc spend tiem with yours while you chat or have a cry. Give her lots of tactile hugs.

also tell jokes. life is fucking absurd after all. I sat tactile hugs not to be melodramatic but I have felt that lots of loving hugs can never go amiss anyway

YY to tactile hugs. I always ended a visit making sure I told her I loved her. She sent a lovely text after my last visit, I still can't delete it, or her number from my phone.

You sound lovely, I'm sure you'll do all the right things.

She's such an amazing person. Absolutely great. I feel we took her for granted in a way. We so don't want to lose her. I will do all you suggest. There are four concerned friends in the mix (no family, she's not UK born originally) so what we thought was that we could offer cover for the DCs in rotation.

My DS just wants his mate to stay forever but that can't be right for them right now.

Perhaps if she is willing you could hell her create a memory box for her children. Tihis could have a birthday card and letter for her children for every birthday for as long as she wants. Perhaps do the same with Christmas cards? Inch he could have a letter with things she wants her children to know at that point in their lives, eg information about moving to secondary school, boyfriends . Girlfriends etc. I believe that there is a charity that supports this type of activity but cannot think of the name at th eminute saw it on tv. I am so so sorry.

Help

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. I think your idea of cooking is a great one - it takes the pressure off a bit. Would you be able to do school pickups/dropoffs from time to time? Can you do a bit of cleaning or tidying or something? Gardening?

I hope that this is underestandable sorry my typos awful.

Good idea re memory boxes

How do you write love letters to a partly-imaginary child? Oh I can't even think about it.

I will sort out drop-offs and pick ups as much as needed.

I think the charity is called Winston's Wish. I can also recommend buying the kids a lovely book each called ' Angel Catcher' - I know i had to get it ordered from America, it's basically a book where they can record all their memories of ther mum on special occasions and it's just lovely and will keep their mum 'involved' in all special days/events by giving them a way to communicate with her/exress their feelings.

So sorry you are all havin to go through this - her husband will also need someone to unload all his own emotions on, so maybe provide the space/support for him to do this

Thinking of your friend and all those who love her.

I have a really good book called "What can I do to help?" which I think is published by Macmillan Cancer charity - I found it excellent in explaining the way to go about things like this.

Also - a friend of mine's DS had cancer a few years ago. We set up a laundry rota so she didn't need to to worry about washing and ironing. That was useful for her. You need to know what she needs not what you think she might need.

(not meant horribly at all - through experience, I have realised that this may be an issue)

So sorry to hear about your friend - it is crap

I absolutely agree that I need to know what she needs - that sounds like a good plan on the laundry front.

There are people on this site who have helped people write those letters. If you put a call out they will come and help you. I guess you write about your dreams for them and about yourself at that age. Whatever can be said will be precious. I think she'll know what to write when she's ready to write it but if it were me I'm not sure I could bear to put my spouse through hearing that so you'd need somebody to be there to bounce off.
You sound so lovely, she's lucky to have you as a friend.

What awfully sad news practically be there for her and her family as they will all need to talk, laugh and cry. Perhaps as Iwillorderthefood said a memory come time capsule for her DC to remember their mother by, perhaps see if she is up to making a book for her DH as an instruction manual to the running of their home e.g. how to use the washer where DC1 keeps their school shoes, it could be a little tongue in cheek.

The flowers are a beautiful touch OP it shows a great deal of love.

Hugs to you, your family, your friend and her family my thoughts are with you all (and if there is anything I can do please let me know)

I remember reading that one of Cassandra Jardine's friends ordered new wheels for her dishwasher having been round and seen they were in a state. She also had people providing clean bedlinen and pjs constantly as that was what she wanted after chemo.

Thank you all :)

Here is the plan. I am taking refuge in being practical and also have spoken to a few people today.

Friend's DH has upped the cleaning arrangements so that the cleaning lady does all laundry.

Friend's DH has also arranged for online delivery of supermarket goods
We have organised a rota between three families to pick up Friend's DCs from school and take them to their activities and organise evening meals. It's great that there are 3 of us in the mix because no-one feels they have to do more than they can do, in terms of practical arrangements.

I have ordered flowers - every week for the forseeable

We'll all do as much emotional/practical support as we can. It's important because DF and her DH have no family in the UK.

I only cried once today. In July we all had a barbecue and we were watching the boys fooling around. The boys in question are all geeky maths/music types, aged 12. I remember feeling so glad that DS had a peer-group of geeky maths/music types and thinking (in my arrogance) that the boys have been together for a decade, and we have a few more years to go before they step out into the world. I remember giving DF a hug and giggling about shit. It was a long hot day full of sun and splashing around in the river. The sort of day you never want to end.

The next day we went on holiday and we've come back and everything has changed utterly. It's all about chemo sessions and whether mets in the bones are good or better than mets in the liver. Dear God, those children are so young. Hers are younger than ours (her oldest being the same age as my youngest).

I have a really good book called "What can I do to help?" which I think is published by Macmillan Cancer charity - I found it excellent in explaining the way to go about things like this.

This book is by Deborah Hutton. You can find it on Amazon. It's a brilliant book. So sorry for you and your friend. She is lucky to have you, I am sure you will be a comfort and support to her.

xx

If it were me, I'd want to know that that help would be there for my children after I'd gone, too. I'd want to know that their children were always welcome in my friends' homes and that they'd be able to carry on with their swimming lessons etc - things that might be difficult if their dad has a busy job. I'd also like to think of them being supported at birthdays and Christmas and the anniversary of my death.

What an awful time for you all, but what lovely friends your friend has.