I am struggling to accept that my friend is dying

[Hopefullyrecovering]

I can't quite believe this. She is 38, her DCs are 12 and 10 and she is dying. Horribly aggressive tumours, originally in the breast but the mets are in the bone and liver already.

I am posting partly out of shock and disbelief. She told us today - she found out two weeks ago but we were on holiday. I am so so sad, and I don't know how to help properly. Everything I think about that might be useful could be wrong. So please do tell me what to do that might help her.

These are the things that I have thought about:

1. Having the children as much as possible to allow her to rest. But then I thought she might want to spend as much time as she can with them right now. So I thought she would like if we offered to help during chemo sessions. Or anytime really.

1. Food. I can cook as much food as they might need. I can cook for them daily if required. I thought I could take casseroles/cakes/anything they might like around and leave them on the porch so that they don't have the bother of any social interaction but they do have the practical (and implied emotional) support

1. Flowers. I have sent flowers with our love. I'm going to keep sending them weekly. I cannot think of anything more lovely than flowers.

She is such a good person - only wanting to give to society. She is a doctor and her husband too. I know she will understand her condition fully and I know she will be grieving. He has this horribly busy job and she is ill and the children need taking care of. What else can I do, oh wise MNers? Is there anything you can think of that is not intrusive but is helpful?

What amazing friends you are to her. No more advice than already offered but couldn't read and run.

She may need taking to chemotherapy or radio.
And keep a store of home made ice lollies for her as the mouth gets dry.

Get lovely nighties that are soft to the touch, don't go on over the head and cover up.

Buy different sorts of ginger to combat the nausea.

Take as,many snaps as you can of the dcs with her and her oh in them, or just the dcs, and make a collage that she can see and take with her to hospital.

Write list of promises for you to show her that you will do when she's not there: sending birthday cards to the dcs, celebrating their results, checking with their dad that they've got the right school uniform, going to university open days if their dad can't, going to their school performances. I lost my father at,that age and extra listening adults are invaluable. Ie be in informal godparent.

Agree, the Macmillan book is brilliant.

So sorry that your friend is in this awful situation

Unfortunately I've been where you are now (twice). There's some very wise advice on this thread. Particularly about considering what she needs rather than what others might think she needs. One of my closest friends died a few years ago when her DCs were 14 and 10. She just couldnt face any planning ahead or discussions about her children's future when she was gone. It was a closed subject. Whilst that made it hard for those around her who inevitably wanted to try to reassure her, we all had to learn to respect what she wanted; after all, this was her bloody horrible journey rather than ours. In fact we never discussed her illness at all really, she didnt want to. We just talked about, and did, normal everyday stuff.

In contrast, another dear friend (SiL) wanted to talk about everything, the details of her burial, how rubbish she was feeling, life after she had gone. All of it. It was hard to hear, but of course a thousand times harder for her to say. She didnt want to upset her DH and immediate family with the darker thoughts, so having an outlet one step removed seemed to be helpful for her (hope so anyway).

Sorry, have gone on a bit. Guess what I'm trying to say is take your lead from her and do things her way. If ever you need a listening ear....

I'm so very sorry about your friend.

I don't have much more to add at the moment but think the memory box, with cards for Dc sounds like a lovely idea. You could ask her if she'd like to make a recording for each of the children, you can do it on mobile phone, transfer to the PC then record onto CD for the children. Or she might want to do it on camcorder.
You all sound like fantastic friends,
big hugs to all concerned xx

This website looks like it might be helpful www.griefencounter.org.uk/ although it is more focused on supporting bereaved children and their families after the death of a parent. There's also this one for you, OP: www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Ifsomeoneelsehascancer/Ifsomeoneelsehascancer.aspx which is part of the Macmillan website.

I saw a wonderful documentary series called The Mummy Diaries that followed a number of families where the mum was dying of cancer. Quote:

"Every 30 minutes a child in Britain loses one of their parents. For many, death is sudden but even when there is some warning, children are rarely involved in the goodbye process. In this series, Julie Stokes, consultant clinical psychologist, pioneer in childhood bereavement and founder of child bereavement charity Winston's Wish, teaches mothers with incurable illness how to say goodbye to their children. Through a series of ground-breaking techniques, she helps the children come to terms with what's happening to their mum." more here: www.ricochet.co.uk/program/The-Mummy-Diaries_425.aspx and here www.winstonswish.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100100015&pagetitle=The+Mummy+Diaries - with links on that page to watch the documentary episodes.

One of the most powerful parts of the documentary was the creation of the memory box by the mums, which other posters have already mentioned. It's like an ongoing conversation from mum to her children, which they will keep forever. In it the mum can write what she'd like to say to each child on special days like graduation or wedding, or the advice about relationships that she wishes she could impart in person when the time is right, or happy memories of their time together, or the story of their birth or how she met their father - or anythIng really.

Watch the doco to get more of an idea. It's incredibly therapeutic for the whole family and I'm sure it would be something you could help her with, even if it's just getting art supplies and a lovely book for her to write in and a box for everything to go in, and getting family photos printed or whatever.

My heart goes out to you and to your friend and her family. Whatever practical help you can give I'm sure will be well received. Tuesdays with Morrie is a lovely book you might also like to read.

Hello,

My cousin died of a brain tumour at 44 leaving a 19 and a 12 year old. The thing that I would like to add that I don't think others have said (may not be appropriate in these cicumstances but I'll say it anyway) another cousin of mine gave the dying one £500 so that the family could go away/do nice things together.

It was so generous and kind as the cousin and her husband who gave had a young son, not much money, they just used their savings - what a kind act eh?

Not suggesting you do the same but if you maybe book something for them to do, depending on how well she is (B&B at seaside or something??) they will then do it and and have an opportunity to spend some time together as a family.

The other thing is to just respond to the families needs as much as you can - sounds like you are definitely able/prepared to do that already.

And finally when it's all over :( keep talking about her, bring her up in conversation with the family as that's what my cousins dad, husband and children wanted and it was quite offensive to them if people avoided it, she had died but could/should not be forgotten or brushed under carpet (and they won't mind at all if YOU cry talking about her either)

Take care

Could I just add re memory boxes that I saw that series of documentaries too, and thought they were a wonderful idea. That said, my dear friend just could not bring herself to undertake anything like that and however therapeutic for her girls (and maybe her) it might have been, it just wasnt something she was able to do. Its such an individual journey isnt it.

Winston's wish are an amazing charity - worth looking up now for ideas. We went through this a bit with one of DDs friends. Her mum was not a friend of mine but our DDs were close. Her dd needed a bolt hole, particularly towards the end. Hr mum wanted to die at home and was supported to do that - but her dd found that very hard, particularly at night, she was 13 and scared. She pretty much moved in there for a few months but I took her home every morning to see her mum. Tbh I'm not sure the mum was aware, at that point, that the dd wasn't sleeping at home - but it made things easier for the dd and her dad.

Your friend's ds might need something similar - the dd is now an adult and she says it was important to have somewhere to go where things were 'normal', school is very good for that too - somewhere where it's ok to laugh and joke and not think about it all the time.

I'm so sorry.

You sound like a wonderful friend.

Please be kind to yourself as well as to your friend. X

A friend of mine is in this situation too.

When I saw her recently, I took round her favourite flowers and put them in a vase, ready for her to enjoy. I let her take the lead and we just chatted about normal, everyday things, even laughing and joking at times.

I helped one of her DCs with their homework .

Although it was unspoken, I will make sure I'm around for them.

I really feel for you and echo turning to Macmillan for advice - they were fantastic when I had encounter with cancer last year.

Everyone has given you really good practical advice about helping your friend. I hope you don't mind if I mention something else.

Have you thought about getting really good counselling support yourself? You might help your friend better if you make sure you're well supported. Your own children may have fears, you may have terrible things stirred up. (Apologies if this isn't your thing).

Tragically there was a death in my extended family earlier this year when a fit young Dad died suddenly after a game of football leaving 2 primary school age kids. As well as the immediate family I was very concerned about his brother's 2 primary school kids. Would they worry their Dad would suddenly die too?

I do hope it's not awful saying all of this. I remember years ago my dear friend being very badly affected when her best friend was dying of breast cancer. Sadly she was so upset she wasn't able to give the support her friend needed. The friend who died made very careful arrangements for her 5 year old son and he has now grown up into a wonderful and very well adjusted young man.

If friends are the family we choose for ourselves your friend is very lucky in her chosen family. Thinking of you all.