Baby due, odd family, so upset.

[Spuddybean]

Sorry i am just wallowing. I have a family situation which wont change and it usually doesn't bother me (well it does but i am fairly stoic about it). Just every now and then i get so upset i can't get my head around it.

I live 45 min/1 hour drive away from my parents yet they have been to visit us twice in a year. I can't drive but usually i travel to their house to see them (3hr, 2 trains, 3 tubes 30 min walk). Since i have been heavily pregnant i haven't been to see them. Just spoke to mum about us emigrating. She is not happy as it's not fair on them apparently. I said 'tbh you have only visited twice in a year, you'd probably visit the same if we lived abroad' and she said 'yeah, you're probably right'.

She then said 'well we haven't seen you much because you're pg, but once the baby comes and you aren't working you can come down and visit more' Um okay, i'll lug all the baby stuff down on trains etc when you can't be arsed to come here. Also DP can't go to their house as he is allergic to the animals. So it means they never see DP. They have only seen him about 6 times ever.

The fact is they have their lives, which revolve around a social life at the local pub. What they want is me to travel down and then just fit in with their routine. They find visiting other people boring - as they want to be with their mates and drinking/socialising. They wont eat dinner at weekends before 10pm so i am expected to sit round pregnant and starving while they wont amend anything.

If i say i'm tired or hungry, i just am expected to leave the pub go home have a sandwich and go to bed - which is fine to them. No bending of what they do at all.

They were like this while i was growing up so i'm not surprised. Just sad.

My half sister (who i'm not close to anyway) hasn't spoken to me since me telling her i was pregnant in Feb, and sending me an unpleasant text about how out of order i am. She has never even met DP.

DP's parents don't acknowledge me and will never meet their grandchild. I have been banned from their house for 2 years.

I have no relationships with extended family and neither does DP (he has no siblings).

We have no friends. I have one friend who is an alcoholic and wont leave the pub near his room so i haven't seen him for months (he also wont travel and expects me to go to him).

My baby is due next week and i just feel so completely and utterly alone. I know i am the common denominator here and i think this must be to do with me somehow. i just don't know what to do.

I have made some friends at NCT but i am so embarrassed when they talk of family and friends all getting excited about the baby.

I know my parents are looking forward to the baby coming. But they just are completely wrapped up in their own lives - which is fine i know. But i am being selfish i suppose to expect more. It is my choice to have a baby. I also feel sad for my baby. I grew up being no ones favourite and having odd family relationships and i feel that i'm inflicting it on my baby too.

Tell me to snap out of it...sorry it's long :(

Snap out of it!
You will be fine. Many families are odd! Don't worry about them in a nct group or a toddler group or at playschool. You can't change them, accept them and move on. You seem to be sure of what you don't want for your child - so be ready to make the effort I change things.
Children have a way of dramatically changing your social life and event calendar anyway - go with the flow, and all will be well :)
Good luck! And congratulations!!

You're not inflicting anything on your baby - it only needs you and your DP and that is family enough. I cut ties with the difficult side of my family and it has released me from all the stress that went along with it.
Be honest with your NCT friends - no one is perfect and you'll probably find that their family situations have bad sides too. Even if their families are 'perfect' it doesn't mean that they won't want to have a friendship with you because of your family situation.
Now is definately the time to be selfish and concentrate on yourself, your DP and your baby :)

I went out with the NCT friends and while we were all talking about families i told them the situation. They all seemed quite shocked and uncomfortable. They were obviously nice about it. But it just made me feel sad. I know other people have worse situations but it doesn't stop me feeling a bit sad for myself and my baby.

First of all stop worrying about what other people think. You aren't the only person who has a weird family set-up, you're on Mumsnet remember, pick a thread!

When you have the baby there is no way you'll be travelling anywhere, they'll have to come to you and if they choose not to well that's their loss, this is your new family; you, dp and your baby.

The baby is so close now , Are you feeling anxious and that's why you're worrying. Will your dp be able to get to you quickly from work if you go into labour during the day?

it's difficult isn't it?
i really feel for you.

i am close to my parents (relationship and distance) so see a lot of them, but don't have any other family that i see, and dp's family is all down in devon and he is an only child.
it makes me sad that my children won't have any cousins or grow up with a big loving family around them

maybe if you're emigrating that will be a new start? a chance to get out there and make friends... no-one will think it "odd" (not that i think it is!) that you have no family around because you;ll be in a new country

i can't just say 'oh their loss' and laugh it off tho. I'm lonely and it upsets me. It is easy to say but not to feel iyswim. It is hurtful and i am going to be alone.

I usually just suck it up but i am feeling really fragile about it atm.

OP, we're in the same boat, DP's family are toxic, they saw DS once and it was once too many if you ask me, my parents are in france so don't visit often (and they get quickly very irritating), w ehave no friends. However, we got a great child minder for DS when he wa s8 months old, he adores her, adores the kids at the CM, adores her parents when they come and visit form Romania. DS is very affecitonatem, very bubbly // smily boy. He doens't know what he's missing and seems satisfied with DP and my love and the CM's of course. I never clicked with the NCT crowd, met a few people at the local health clinic. It's all going to be ok, don't worry. keep people who don't make you ahppy far far away, you'll need all your energy for your baby.

Your family sounds somewhat similar to mine. I live in different country and in the two years I lived here before my DS was born they didn't visit once, despite repeated invitations. I visited them a few times. Since DS was born they have made much more effort and have been to visit four times, although one of those times my father didn't bother coming because he couldn't be arsed.

I know how lonely it can be. However, your relationship with yours and DPs families are no reflection on you and you don't need to be ashamed of it. I saw losing contact with my family as a way of reinventing myself, moving away from that feeling of being second best and unwanted and making my own life without the constant disappointment of how they treat me. And it's been great. I am happier now than I've ever been because I'm no longer wasting my energy and dragging myself down by wondering why they just don't care.

You need to try to accept how your parents are. They are not going to change. Reaching that acceptance takes time but it will do you a lot of good. At the moment you are stuck in child mode still wishing they would show more interest and it's keeping you prisoner in a bad place by making you think that you're worthless and that you're going to affect your baby.

You will be a great parent, without the support of your own family. You will do your own thing and protect your child from the influence of disconnected people like yours and your DPs families. You are a mum now, and your past is in the past, it's the future that is important. With your child you have the chance to really start afresh, make a great family life for yourself and avoid the mistakes your parents made.

It is lonely being without family but when it's family like yours it's also liberating. They don't add to your life. So let them go. Let them sort themselves out - if they're not willing to change anything for you, why should you change anything for them? You have your own life going on, if they want to see you and your baby they will have to pull their finger out of their arses and get their lazy selves to your house.

You might be surprised how they change when they are motivated by the wish to see a grandchild.

Why don't your partners parents acknowledge you or want to meet their grandchild?

The thing i don't understand is they think we are really close. Mum and i do talk on the phone everyday and email. And we do talk about real stuff. It's not a strained relationship in that way. Also when we do see them we have a really nice time and they say how much they miss me since 'i moved away'. But i have always lived an hour or so away from them, and they have always just expected me to come to them. If i don't then we just don't see each other.

If i invite them up it's a big deal, packing the bag etc, they really build themselves up to it. I say you could just leave at 11am on whim, come for lunch and be home by 4pm. I don't understand why they make it such a drama. But no, dad wont eat lunch (he doesn't eat in the day) and they couldn't have a drink. So that's the priority.

Mum wont drive (she wont go on the motorway) and dad doesn't really like babies - he finds them boring. He basically finds everything boring. He wont watch the telly/film or things like that. He loves being 'out'. So coming to sit in my house will never appeal to him.

DP's parents are very odd and have barred everyone from their house except DP. (i have done a few threads about them) They just don't function well with others. They never leave their house either, so have never ever visited DP. They never came to get him when he got back from Afghanistan - he was the only person without family waiting. Very sad.

It does sound awful but you and your do are making a new family that will bring you loads of happiness. I think you should emigrate

With a family history like that you ought to be wildly popular. If you spruce it up a little there's about five years' worth of really sound comedy material in that opening paragraph. Other people love hearing about dysfunctional families because it makes them feel well-adjusted. It's why we watch soaps...

I am sorry your family are all so shit. You don't deserve it.

But now is the chance to make a new family and friends, now you are having a baby. It is a good way to make new friends - baby groups, nct, school mums, pta are all ways of meeting people. Being involved with stuff makes a real difference.

You will be able to show your baby how to live a life that is full of people and interest, that doesn't involve the pub.

They do sound odd and I'm not surprised you feel saddened by them. Do you think your father is an alcoholic? My father is a bit like them, very wrapped up in his own world (although a different world to the one you describe), almost to the point of being a narcissist I think. And it does hurt. What about arranging to meet them somewhere halfway, for lunch? Then it's 'going out' for them, but not such a drag for you to get there?

The good news is that having a baby or toddler is a good way to make a new group of friends, if it's not NCT then a toddler playgroup or music group or later on the local preschool mums.

If you have te chance to emigrate and want to go then go! Your family are very self absorbed and selfish, accept this and move on. Stop putting yourself out for them and create your own life. You can't keep saying 'but' you need to move on.

A couple of useful phrases:

To you parents: "I'm sorry I won't be able to see you. I cannot manage all the baby stuff on public transport". They might just surprise you and offer to come to you. If they don't, and especially if they come up with unsuitable schemes for you to travel; keep saying, "that's an interesting idea, but I cannot manage all the baby stuff like that".

To your new NCT acquaintances: "my family have alcohol issues and I'd rather no discuss it". No-one will bat an eyelash, and you'll have plenty of other stuff to be talking about.

When the baby is here, and everything has settled down a bit, then revisit the idea of emigration. Try not to make the big life-changing decisions unless o are on an even keel.

Yes cogito i have loads of stories from my family which make people absolutely incredulous at their behaviour. It is often laughable - particularly my dad and my sister. My wedding was a particular freak show, when you threw in my mum shouting about how boring the photographs were and telling the photographer not to bother taking any as all people really wanted to do was go to the bar. My Grandfather snatching the microphone off my exH because he wanted to do a speech instead, my Aunt stealing all the flowers and table decorations and loading her car up with them, and in laws taking the champagne put out for the toasts home with them as gifts for other people (all said boldly as if it was fine).

I'm planning a sitcom :)

It's not till i talk to others i realise how odd every single person in my life is.

If their alcohol is a priority before you and soon to be GC then they're not worth your worry.
I understand though the closer you get to having your LO how shit it all must seem to you. You will have your own little family any day now and you'll have more chance to make new friends when the little one arrives with other new mums.

And yeah, emigrate if YOU want to.
Take care and I hope all goes well with baby xxx

Yes edith i have kept saying that 'i wont be travelling on the trains with the baby stuff' i don't think they believe it tho and the responses have been 'oh well, when the baby's older then...' no, well we'll come to you.

Also we have already agreed to moving abroad - it's for DP's job so we need to go. We are going in Jan.

Sadly flim meeting out doesn't work (i have tried). There is nowhere in the middle. Everywhere would take longer/same time - unless we stopped at a service station on the M1. Also Dad wont eat lunch or sit while other people are eating and they still wouldn't be able to drink.

Last year, as we hadn't seen each other and i was concerned they didn't know DP (and we were trying for a baby) that well, i suggested to them that for Fathers day i pay for the 4 of us to go to a hotel about 1 hour from each house. They could bring the dog (which is why DP can't go to their house) and we could have a drink in the bar and have dinner etc. Dad said no, could he have the money instead because there was somewhere else he'd rather go (without us)!

I couldn't believe it when I read your post OP, because the similarities with my family are so striking. On the surface, my parents are just 'normal everyday' people, but their behaviour, in my view, is really odd. The live a five minute drive away from us, but never visit. I have three children now, pg with fourth due in the next few weeks, and literally my Mum changed her first (and only) nappy in February when dh and I went out for a meal and they looked after the children. They 'pop' around at 4.30pm on a Sunday afternoon when everyone is getting ready for school/work/mealtime etc, and stay about 20 minutes if that, then go again, and on the surface think everything is ok. They don't really know the children, and certainly don't help out. For example, with this baby due in the next few weeks they've spent the last three weeks in France, and are going on holiday again on Tuesday for another couple of weeks. They have an active social life revolving around their local pub - I don't think they are alcoholics, just that they find it 'boring' being 'stuck in' e.g. at Christmas they go stir-crazy being 'in' and have to get out to the pub on Boxing night... When my third baby was born 2 years ago I was really stressed about the logistics of leaving the children, and my Mum helpfully told me she'd do what she could but could only 'pop in' as she couldn't take time off work. We turned to dh's parents while we were driving to hospital in the throes of labour and his mum said they couldn't do anything the next day because she had a dental appointment!! They later asked us for the £2.00 they'd lent us for the hospital car park, and charged us for the packet of paracetamol they'd bought when they asked if there was anything they could do for us!! Sorry - I'm going off on a rant about my family - the upshot of all this is it makes me feel rubbish, because I'd love to have the kind of normal family where parents buy car-seats so that they can take their grandchildren out for the day, and seem to want to spend time with their grandchildren. I had counselling for pnd two years ago, and kind of reached the decision that I have to accept the way they are and try not to feel too bad about it. We honestly wondered about emigrating because somehow being this close to them but being 'snubbed' as I see it makes matters so much worse. For now though I'm just accepting that they don't meet my expectations but at least we are in touch, we do speak - they aren't so bad... I'll just try to have better relationships with my own dc, it really teaches you how not to do it, iykwim!! Really feel for you though, its just not funny!!!

Crumbs.

Well, first and foremost, YOU are NOT the "common denominator". Sure, you've been damaged by your upbringing (not surprising) and it appears that you have attracted a DP who has a similarly dysfunctional family - but that's not HIS fault either. I'm glad you've found each other - perhaps together you can give your own DC a more "normal" family upbringing!

I'd emigrate too in your position - just get away from them all and start again.
But I'd also consider doing some kind of assertiveness training course before you go - give you some more confidence in yourself, so that you understand you have a choice in how you come across to people. I'm sure you're a lovely person and will make friends easily so long as you can let go of the whole "family weirdness" stuff.

As you have already said, your own parents have more of a relationship with alcohol and the pub than they do with you - that is utterly tragic, and yes it IS their loss - but you are suffering for it too. Your DP's parents sound, well, either bonkers or utterly antisocial - fancy not going to meet your own son when he's back from a war zone!!

As they really don't interact with you in any meaningful family way, it's up to you and your DP to create your own "family" - from your own unit and people around you. I wish you lots of luck with it all.

No real advice just to say that growing my family was my parents, my brother and me. No grandparents, no cousins, aunts, uncles etc.

I had a great childhood. I love my family. Every Christmas morning we would go round to friends for an hour or so and then come back and spend all day together as 4, playing games, watching videos eating too much

Our holidays were just the 4 of us, no children clubs etc. and again it was fantastic.

So what I'm trying to say is that your child will not suffer.

That doesn't help with the being annoyed with your family (and I think you're right to be upset and disappointed)

They do drink a lot - and while they do consume way more than recommended and on paper are acloholics. The problem is more the life revolving round the pub. They don't drink much at home, but just love being in the local. They know everyone and chat and watch sport etc. This is their life.

My dad is like happy 's and is climbing the walls if he can't go out to the local. Plenty of booze in the house, just needs to be in 'his' pub. Even if we meet in another pub, he wants to go back to his.

Thank you bart . DP and i have vowed to have more than one dc and make our home warm and welcoming and our holidays fun etc. We have visions off DP wearing an xmas reindeer/snowflake 'val doonican' jumper and me making muffins and being manically overbearing and scaring our children off and everyone thinking we are loons!

spuddy I am at your Dad turning down your lovely, thoughtful offer of a fathers day weekend away and ASKING FOR THE MONEY INSTEAD. I have never heard the like!

My parents are rubbish at coming to visit me too (although great in other ways). I think it's a thing where they're used to having the family home and they just assume that everyone congregates at theirs.

You are not the common denominator, thought. FWIW from what you've posted it sounds like your own parents are just a bit selfish and thoughtless and your DP's parents are batshit crazy. Nothing to do with you. YOU are going to be great parents, and your little one won't care about grandparents etc they'll just be happy to have the loving home you're clearly going to provide. Congratulations!