Baby due, odd family, so upset.

[Spuddybean]

Sorry i am just wallowing. I have a family situation which wont change and it usually doesn't bother me (well it does but i am fairly stoic about it). Just every now and then i get so upset i can't get my head around it.

I live 45 min/1 hour drive away from my parents yet they have been to visit us twice in a year. I can't drive but usually i travel to their house to see them (3hr, 2 trains, 3 tubes 30 min walk). Since i have been heavily pregnant i haven't been to see them. Just spoke to mum about us emigrating. She is not happy as it's not fair on them apparently. I said 'tbh you have only visited twice in a year, you'd probably visit the same if we lived abroad' and she said 'yeah, you're probably right'.

She then said 'well we haven't seen you much because you're pg, but once the baby comes and you aren't working you can come down and visit more' Um okay, i'll lug all the baby stuff down on trains etc when you can't be arsed to come here. Also DP can't go to their house as he is allergic to the animals. So it means they never see DP. They have only seen him about 6 times ever.

The fact is they have their lives, which revolve around a social life at the local pub. What they want is me to travel down and then just fit in with their routine. They find visiting other people boring - as they want to be with their mates and drinking/socialising. They wont eat dinner at weekends before 10pm so i am expected to sit round pregnant and starving while they wont amend anything.

If i say i'm tired or hungry, i just am expected to leave the pub go home have a sandwich and go to bed - which is fine to them. No bending of what they do at all.

They were like this while i was growing up so i'm not surprised. Just sad.

My half sister (who i'm not close to anyway) hasn't spoken to me since me telling her i was pregnant in Feb, and sending me an unpleasant text about how out of order i am. She has never even met DP.

DP's parents don't acknowledge me and will never meet their grandchild. I have been banned from their house for 2 years.

I have no relationships with extended family and neither does DP (he has no siblings).

We have no friends. I have one friend who is an alcoholic and wont leave the pub near his room so i haven't seen him for months (he also wont travel and expects me to go to him).

My baby is due next week and i just feel so completely and utterly alone. I know i am the common denominator here and i think this must be to do with me somehow. i just don't know what to do.

I have made some friends at NCT but i am so embarrassed when they talk of family and friends all getting excited about the baby.

I know my parents are looking forward to the baby coming. But they just are completely wrapped up in their own lives - which is fine i know. But i am being selfish i suppose to expect more. It is my choice to have a baby. I also feel sad for my baby. I grew up being no ones favourite and having odd family relationships and i feel that i'm inflicting it on my baby too.

Tell me to snap out of it...sorry it's long :(

Me again sorry (I'll try and do less typoes). One more thought, DP is suffering enormously from his toxic family but seems unable to accept them for what they are and cut the ombilical cord. What he forgets is that by suffering he also makes DS and I suffer, as we're sad when he is, upset hwne he is etc.... I wish he would let it go, we'd all be better off.

If either family unit is not making you happy, distance yourself, especially in the first few years and as someone else said, work on your own happiness without the crazy family!

Spuddy your vision of your future family home with dp wearing Colin Firth style reindeer jumpers and you baking madly sounds lovely, homely and cosy . You'll be a lovely Mum.

Yes ecuse his point was, that as it was supposed to be a gift for him surely he should get what HE wants. Rather than actually wanting to see us, he just thought 'I don't want to go to x'. I don't think it ever occurred to him that it might be about the company rather than the place. It wasn't all about him (he is a classic narc) so it didn't appeal.

Like when i say to them 'you have only been here twice in a year' (they also never cam to the flat we lived in for the year before - despite it being in London and accessible by tube) rather than saying 'oh god yes, we must come up more' they just shrug/laugh and say 'yeah i know'. It just isn't about them and they don't really know how to deal with that.

Emigrate. You don't deserve 'family' like this. Don't bother going to visit them. They're selfish and alcohol-dependent. Your sister is toxic and unhinged.

Start a new life for you and your family.

Thanks sugarice i think i may be more like an insane mum tho!

expat your post made me larf - i've never thought of my sister being 'unhinged' but she is totally. I was diagnosed with MS and she sent me a nasty text telling me to 'suck it up'. She was angry because some attention wasn't on her or her dolls, sorry, children.

I agree olive when DP's parents send him horrible emails he is white and in so much pain i feel it myself. I just want to scream at everyone to just pretend to be fucking normal.

His parents have really ratcheted up the crazy the closer we get to the baby's due date. It's pathetic.

Another one here that agrees that when your little DC is born a whole new family is created . . . you, your DP and your DC. If your parents want to be part of it then they have to make the effort.

DH grew up with no grandparents, they all died long before he was born. He didn't feel as if he lost out.

My Mum has never done babysitting or had the children for me, or helped at all really. The one time I asked her to meet me in a town midway between where she lived and where I lived, because one of the DCs had an emergency appointment and I couldn't manage very well, she said no. Then a month or so later told me in great detail how she had met my cousin in the same town for coffee and what a nice time she had had. Well thanks. Yet she loves me, I love her, and we get on fine. She's just not "that sort of mother/granny." I see some DCs at the school frequently picked up by their grandparents and boggle - there is just no way my mum would ever put herself out to do something like that. I think when I am a granny my DD and DILs will have to beat me off with a shitty stick to stop me from seeing my grandkids. Oh and the best thing, my Mum says all this is because "I don't want you to think I am interfering, darling."

But d'you know what? You'll be fine, and you'll be happy.

Spuddy, you really do have a lot on your plate with the crazy relatives.

I think your hormones are just making it harder to deal with atm. Hormones magnify everything and make life harder in general. Good luck with the baby. And emigrating sounds like a good idea.

Spuddy.... are these the inlaws that havbe bought all the manky babystuff ?

All I can say is... make your own family with your OH and DC's... and use your PIL's and parents of an example of how NOT to parent

Yes oldraver well remembered! They have bought loads of shite despite not speaking to me. Anyway, i emailed them to say thank you for the stuff but we had bought a lot of it already so they can sell it or give it away.

Mil said she had 'told' DP to 'tell' me not to buy anything - erm that's not quite how it works!

I also told her i would be breastfeeding so if they wanted to see the baby they would have to let me come to their house (i feel i am being particularly generous here) but they have declined.

Anyway, she has been sending him psychological torture emails, one day saying how he is so unconfident and 'just a jelly underneath' implying he wont cope with the baby and life and how they had desperately tried to make him confident but for some reason (yeah odd that) he wasn't, but it's okay as she was there for him (er,ta!). Then the following day emailing him what a great dad he will be.

Incidentally DP is confident until they become involved. These were completely out of the blue as well.

To go back to the poster about being assertive - i don't think i need a course - i am actually very assertive. This is why i have this type of relationship with my family, because i don't play their game. Like most narcs they don't play if they can't win, so pretty much ignore me. They know my boundaries and don't like them. iyswim. :)

OK, that would be me - I suggested an assertiveness course, not to deal with your family, but to build your own confidence in yourself and your relationships with other people, as your OP suggested that you felt it was somehow "your fault" that you had these strange relationships and almost no friends. Apologies if that wasn't the case.

the baby will be an opportunity for you to make new friends

Oh right thumb i see. I thought you meant to tell my family to eff off :)

I just think if you met someone who had no friends and everyone in their family disowned them or didn't visit alarm bells might ring and you might think 'there's no smoke without fire' etc.

I worry i might come across as a loon and at fault for driving people away.

Do you tell every potential friend you meet that your family are a bunch of weirdo narcs who never visit? I mean, if you're very open about that at the beginning of a potential friendship, I can see that it might put them off a bit! I wouldn't talk about them if you can avoid it, not to start with anyway.

Give people a chance to get to know you - I'm sure there would be plenty of people happy to be friends with you - and only tell them about the loonytunes in your family once you are good friends. :)

I would only emigrate if your relationship with your DP is solid. And it doesn't sound like it is.

In a room of people, some with genuinely have great parents, some crap - the ones with shite parents will be the ones keeping quiet

Well it's not how i introduce myself 'i'm spuddy and everyone in my life is bonkers, but i'm sane...honest' Ha! :)

But with a lot of people where we have moved to, family is very close and a big part of their lives. In London it wasn't so much of an issue.

With work colleagues and the NCT ladies they keep saying asking 'are you're family excited, i bet they are up every weekend' and 'I bet you are out shopping for stuff with MIL' and i try to just be vague but some people have probed. I don't feel like i should be ashamed and think if i am just matter of fact about it it will seem normal.

mrstrellis Why do you think my relationship with DP isn't solid?

Goodness, aren't they a nosy bunch in your NCT and work!!

Just trying to think if anyone has said anything like that to me, I don't think they have, only asked if DS is excited about becoming a big brother - but then they know my family is 10,500 miles away so that might be why

I hope that, notwithstanding your disclosure about your bonkers family, you do make some friends within your antenatal groups - and even if you don't, you have the opportunity to start afresh when you move abroad next year. Do you mind saying where you're going?

Washington DC. :) I can't wait.

Some of the people at work are grandparents so i suppose they were looking at it thru that prism. Others have their family as child care and live on the same street. People here find it odd if you don't see your family once a week. Also a big part of the NCT class was about how to fend off all those relatives who will be beating down the door - and we are just expecting tumbleweed!

After one session we drove home in silence and i was in tears. Bloody hormones!

Well aside from everything else, you sound lovely. I'm sure there are people in your area who would love to get to know you :)

Oh bless you, I see why.

Turn it around - revel in the fact that you will be able to enjoy your baby in relative peace (ha!) and at least they won't be sat on their arses in your living room expecting you to wait on them hand and foot!

Spuddybean - have noticed you around on Mumsnet (not stalker, just tend to remember pregnant posters atm cos I am ). Your relationship with your DH sounds lovely. Do you think maybe you have neglected friendships as you two are so close? if so, I was a bit like you pre-DC but since having DD I have made new friends as I need to socialise rather than be on my own with a toddler all day! You too will make new connections.

My friend has very distant and difficult relationship with her parents and in-laws and it has caused her much upset over the years. However her DC are being raised in a house full of love and fun and friendship

Yes thumb i am often at the posters who say people turn up after they've had a baby and expect tea and hospitality!

countess that's a nice thing to say. Yes we are close i must say i do adore DP. But no, sadly, there were no friends to neglect in the first place. My best friend went off with my exH and all friends decided they couldn't be friends with both and as they all still live near exH and exBF i lost out. from the day i found out about BF & exH none of my friends have ever spoken to me or returned a call, text or email. I went from having a close group of 10 friends from primary school to having no one.

I don't want to seem needy and i suppose i wear my heart on my sleeve. I just love being with people and feel very lonely now.

Spuddy - have you seen a thread in Aibu about feeling lonely as one poster has set up a Facebook page for mumsnetters to meet other mums in their area so might be a good one to join?

Sorry bout your ex friends but they all sound like tossers anyway! Can I ask where are you emigrating to? Concentrate on that and cresting a
New life and you will be fine.

By the way, when baby comes - if you ever want any support with breastfeeding then please feel free to pm me!

X

I worry i might come across as a loon and at fault for driving people away

You absolutely do not. You sound like a very lovely person.
Fwiw - those friends you mentioned up thread, don't sound like they were worth having anyway.

I know it's a strange way to look at it but when you do emigrate it might make you feel a little better..... HOW? I hear you ask....... it could ease the disappointment/frustration and heartache that your parents WON'T visit you (even though you don't live too far) and changes to CAN'T visit due to distance, expense etc... So there's, at least, a half valid reason there iykwim? (I've made a balls up of explaining, I haven't had my full coffee fix yet so my brain is still asleep)

Anyway, when you do go, make it a priority to mix with others, find the expat community for starters, I know the country that I flit between (I'm back off there next month) has a huge English community, lots of mother and baby/child groups going on.
Where is it that you're relocating to? Europe or further afield?