How to Handle DH Taking Liberties

[SophieLeGiraffe]

DH and I have a fairly relaxed relationship and I very rarely say no to anything he wants to do. We operate like this on the understanding that if he takes my good nature too far I will let him know and he will stop.

Recently he has been massively taking the piss. On the face of it this is largely understandable: a sports club trip away then some tickets for the olympics on a couple of consecutive nights, a couple of client dos, his birthday, long hours out doing his favourite sport, a weekly date playing football. All of this adds up and obviously removes time for when I could be having a life outside of the home. But I have been feeling increasingly cross because all I do is look after DS and go to work. If I am lucky I manage to get in half an hour for a quick run. I sometimes have to have a fight on the mornings I have DS in order to have a shower on my own because DH wants to get up and out to work. Basically, DH is for whatever reason, becoming increasingly selfish.

I have told him recently he is taking it too far. I have told him I am starting to feel depressed that I have difficulty keeping any life outside of work and home. He agreed we needed to make some changes and that these were largely on him.

It has for me come to a head this week. Earlier this week I had a quite sick DS but DH still left us alone to go to a client-do. He then came home late from work the following night, giving me no opportunity to do anything with my evening other than stay in the house, then was, as planned - though I was never entirely happy about it as this is two weeks' in a row - out in London last night and staying there. Now DS is still sick, though as far as DH knows on the mend. However I have not heard from him since yesterday lunchtime. I have one missed call from him at DS's bedtime and that is it. I have emailed him at work stating I am seriously unhappy and that I expect him home no later than 7pm and no response yet, which has got me worrying. How am I going to handle this? I already told him Wednesday night I was pissed off with him and he was taking things too far. I'm not being unreasonably naggy am I? This really is a bit beyond the pale?

From what you've described, you are being seriously taken for granted and that does not a happy relationship make. Does he realise he's married?
How old is your DS that you have to fight to shower alone?

I'm all for being flexible and having a life outside marriage....but sounds like you are becoming mum/housekeeper not partner/mate.

"I very rarely say no to anything he wants to do."... "

Your 'good nature' bar has been too low for too long and you've set a precedent that is going to be really difficult to correct. You're going to have to put your good nature on the back-burner for a while and shorten his leash.

You say that you have emailed him and are now worried as he's not replied. What are you worried about? That you have done the wrong thing?

You have not done the wrong thing, ou are right to confront this and it doesn't make you a nag. If it were me I would follow it up with a phonecall asking if he has read the email and telling him that you must talk about this.

How old is the baby and could you leave him with your DH while you take some time out?

Make some plans with some girl friends and TELL him (NOT ask) that you will be away for a couple of days (maybe a spa day - sounds like you could use some pampering).

That will get the message through to him, don't you think?

If he complains, just tell him that you've tried to communicate to him your need to be able to have some you-time, but despite him making the right noises, he's done bugger all to help you. By the sounds of it he hasn't even admitted that you are, in fact, totally under-appreciated for all the work you do.

A weekend away will relax you, and perhaps make him realise how difficult it is to be the one left in the house alone with the demands of a child and no partner to lean on.

I would see if he replies and then if he is late to the point you cannot go out , I would unleash fury on him and let him know how selfish he has been.

YANBU, I would be livid.

We teach people how to treat us. If you allow him to treat you this way, then he will.
This is not being in a relaxed relationship, this is allowing someone to take the piss. Just don't stand for it.

I was worried that he hasn't responded and was therfore in a ditch or passed out in a hotel somewhere.

DS is 18mo so hard to have a shower alone when he's awake as he's obsessed with getting IN the shower and I obviously can't leave him in his room alone. I have taken him in the shower with me a few times but that isn't ideal when we're all trying to get out in the mornings.

I gave DH an hour to respond, then called him and let rip. His "excuse" is that there was no charge on his phone battery. I kindly pointed out that he had clearly been sat in an office for some time surrounded by several alternative communication devices AND a phone now on charge. Have made it very clear last night particularly was unacceptable regarding not being in touch even to check after the baby never mind my well-being. Have told him this is the pinnacle of him moving towards being selfish and this is the point where it stops. Also reminded him of our earlier discussions about my need to get out more and that this must happen. He claims we didn't talk about my being unhappy with the amount of nights out he has had but this is balderdash and him pretending he didn't know what we were talking about. He also tried to hide behind "client dos and business development" which is a load of tosh too. I believe by the end of that conversation he is fully aware of my thoughts and feelings on all of this.

A weekend away is a brilliant idea. I have not had one night away from DS since he was born - I never wanted to before but you're right, DH needs a wake-up call.

I shold mention that I am a softie but I have previously been described as "like a squirrel" because I look furry and cuddly but have a supremely nasty bite should you get on my wrong side.

He's tekkin t'piss. Ask someone you know can you move in with them for a week with DC, pack up, leave a note saying you're leaving, along with a vague hint that you'll get your solicitor to contact him. Make yourself uncontactable for at least 3 days, then when you open up the dialogue again, tell him how it's gonna be. Sorted....

It sounds liek you've more than got a handle on this OP :)

But FWIW, I think he is taking the piss too. Have your weekend away, and TELL him, rather than ask him about it!!

Well done SophieLeGiraffe! That sounds more like it. Glad to hear you are tackling this.

Hooray! Well done you for laying down the law.
I get this sometimes with DH although not to this extent as he doesn't have client meetings etc to muddy the waters.

I want to enable him to have a fulfilling life, safe in the knowledge that he wouldn't take the piss and would extend me the same consideration of ensuring I get a life outside work and home too.

Unfortunately I do find that every so often I have to rein him in for taking the piss - going for drinks after work without bothering to tell me so me and kids are sitting waiting for him to eat is a classic!

All he has to do is txt/ring to say he'll be a bit late back. Surely that's common courtesy if you know someone is expecting you for dinner?

Annoys me hugely as I'm not a stressy wife at all and actively encourage him to have an active life. Hate hate hate having to feel like a nag and wish things could be based on natural give and take rather than me having to police the boundaries.

Makes me feel utterly used and dumped on tbh and I really resent having to raise it with him.

He is great in lots of other ways - very hands on with the kids, housework etc. most of the time I do feel like we're a really good partnership but this strikes a really bum note.

Hope your DH learns his lesson and is suitably contrite. If not, definitely leave him to cope alone for as long as you can manage - maybe even get back an hour later than arranged so his plans are scuppered and he can see how irritating it is!

YADNBU!

Thanks guys

tbh I was pretty annoyed when I "swapped" a night looking after DS so he do his alleged client-do and then the next night he didn't get from work till after 9pm. He appears to think such working hours are normal. You know what, I think I might have a busy week at work next week...

He says he needs to work towards a big deadline over this long weekend but so what I think that just means he doesn't get to go for a 4-hour bike ride but that I do get to go for a nice long swim and sauna whilst he spends much needed time with DS.

Arseface that's kind of how this normally works nd sounds like you need to lay down the law a bit too. It's quite easy I think for someone to move from having a nice time with a lovely non-nagging wife to taking the piss.

Oo I feel all liberated.

I think it's slipped into him thinking your role is to provide childcare for his very busy and active social life, not that you are two equal parents both needing to support the other. This has happened even though you work. This has to be dealt with now, or as you have noticed, you will be basically doing all the drudge work of running the household (plus staying in once child is asleep) whilst he comes and goes as he chooses.

I've seen on MN many times the idea of similar amounts of free time, in other words, do both of you get similar amounts of child-free down time in which you can switch off? So, his football, gym, nights out and so on? If he has an afternoon to play football, why can't you have a morning to do what you like (stay in bed, hairdressers, meet a friend)?

At the moment, you are enabling his life but he is not enabling yours. You are right to stop it before it becomes entrenched.

And definitely do a weekend away, I do and my best friend does, only once or twice a year, but it means that in addition to having fun, it also places responsibility for sole care onto our husbands for that time period, and establishes this as normal. The friends I have who never did this now have husbands who claim they can't/don't know how to care for their own children by themselves which is plain ridiculous. Have a great time.

Agree with all the great advice. This definitely needs putting a halt too. Agree also that if he has a workload this weekend, that it should impact on his downtime, not on yours.

The problem will become much, much worse once your DS is at school, with all the demands that schools tend to make on parents to attend events, inset days etc. If he doesn't wake up to the reality of both of you working and having demands on your time and energy, it will be you doing all of the school running around, whilst he sails on oblivious.

I often have to work at the weekend. Unless it is a real emergency, it gets done in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed or very early in the morning before they and DH get up. I can't bear to miss time with the DC anyway, but DH and I have an understanding where weekend working is something we discuss and arrange together. You can't just spring it on each other.
It sounds as though to your DH work and work socialising has become a kind of trump card he can play to get out of family life.

Email can be a bad idea though. I don't get this prob as I'm a homeworker and have grown kids, but when I used to be office based, sometims I'd got to checking email twice a day, to keep working in the zone.

I might - or might not take IMs and the phone might be on voicemail if I was preparing a client pitch.

If his working hours are under such poor control perhaps you should suggest he does some time management; he won't get young family time back.

And, if he's not a complete prick doesn't he realise it's better to have a happy partner who thinks fondly of him?

Interesting point Eldritch. I don't think he wants to opt out of family life but yes, I am expecting him to want to do all his own stuff as well as work and in many ways it is hard to say no, you cannot have any time to yourself, when he is working hard. But if I don't then I don't get any time to myself. I think we will just have to sit down and plan this weekend rather than coast on through. I really want to ensure we spend some nice time together going somewhere properly for the day rather than just pootling around town. Have actually never taken DS to the beach can you believe.

I just (this week!) turned down a new job based on family life demands. A new job, no matter how flexible they were willing to be would mean DH had to pick up extra childcare, before/after work and when he was sick. Whilst DH wanted the money I would get from new job I could tell he wasn't that happy about the changes we would have to make. Luckily I was in a really great position and my company stepped up and matched the new offer so I got the best of both worlds and it protects DH from additional responsibility. It might have ruined my career prospects though.

he is sciving, pure and simple

sounds like you have a good plan though, good luck!

(highly recommend getting up really early on a weekend morning, shower, dress, leave a note, put the baby beside him in bed then LEAVE the house

and switch off your phone. all day.

when you come back at dinnertime, he will THEN understand how massive your role is with DS and how it feels to be ignored if he doesnt reply to your calls

OneMore we have talked time management a lot over the past. He is notoriously bad and works better when he is under pressure of a timeline. We talked about how this is incompatible with family life. And that I work hard too but that I employ tactics like you and plan my time, switch off email and so on to ensure I maximise work productivity and home down-time. I do get mad at myself sometimes when I am less productive during the day (MN anyone?).

I don't think he got my email this morning, he has filters set for who mail is coming from so I think I am probably in a folder somewhere and he was "in the zone". But still, come on, who doesn't ring their wife, or FB, or text, or Tweet to let them know they're ok or whatever? Idiot.

he sounds like a workaholic who is trying to please employers, friends, then you and DS

is he anxious about providing for you and your son? or is he simply avoiding family responsibilities? not sure really

To be blunt, you expect your kids to ring and let you know they are OK. OK SLG, 18 months is possibly a bit young .

It's not too much to expect your grown-up partner (of whatever variety) to let you know about changes of plans delays and so on. Before the expected time.

Yes, he's an idiot.

I'm more mitigated in my views than the ladies above, like you I spend my life for the mment between work FT and looking after DS (16 months), like you I've never had a break in 16th months and been away from DS, not even one afternoon. We have no family to rely on so can't even get help for one hour during the week-end. Now DP is home every evening at 7PM the latest and doesn't go out or play footie during the week, but he's also a bit shy of being along with DS as DS wants his mummy, which I think is normal at that age.
I'm not trying to find excuses for your DH but as much as parents want to share the load with young children, they want mummy and dads know / feel that very well.... Your DH perhaps is shy of being alone with DS, feels inadequate?

Your last post about turning down a job worries me. The trap you seem to be in is that childcare and organising family life is on you, with him dipping in and out as and when (sorry, not wanting to sound critical of you, but that's how it reads). Of course, it should be a joint effort and a shared responsibility.

How you get him to see that I don't know, but practical things might be a family diary (my mother always had one open by the phone. Everyone could see and annotate it), sitting down together Sunday night to plan the week and who does what, each having a designated night off, etc. etc. Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. No fait accomplis by phone from work.

I am WOHM, DH is SAHD, he gets very cross if I do that 'letting you know at the last minute, too late to argue, you just have to step up and cover for me' thing. I've learned not to forget I must tell him well in advance the rare times I have an evening do and remind him nearer the time. I admit I was bad at that, and letting him know when I was leaving work late. After some very frank discussion I've just had to learn to communicate and be organised.

I have to say, having the children on Sat am and one evening a week while DH gets a rest and time to do his own thing has been a salutary lesson. Until you look after your children on your own for a length of time you can be in denial about how hard and tiring it is.

This doesn't sound like a marriage to me, you're living pretty separate lives.