How to Handle DH Taking Liberties

[SophieLeGiraffe]

DH and I have a fairly relaxed relationship and I very rarely say no to anything he wants to do. We operate like this on the understanding that if he takes my good nature too far I will let him know and he will stop.

Recently he has been massively taking the piss. On the face of it this is largely understandable: a sports club trip away then some tickets for the olympics on a couple of consecutive nights, a couple of client dos, his birthday, long hours out doing his favourite sport, a weekly date playing football. All of this adds up and obviously removes time for when I could be having a life outside of the home. But I have been feeling increasingly cross because all I do is look after DS and go to work. If I am lucky I manage to get in half an hour for a quick run. I sometimes have to have a fight on the mornings I have DS in order to have a shower on my own because DH wants to get up and out to work. Basically, DH is for whatever reason, becoming increasingly selfish.

I have told him recently he is taking it too far. I have told him I am starting to feel depressed that I have difficulty keeping any life outside of work and home. He agreed we needed to make some changes and that these were largely on him.

It has for me come to a head this week. Earlier this week I had a quite sick DS but DH still left us alone to go to a client-do. He then came home late from work the following night, giving me no opportunity to do anything with my evening other than stay in the house, then was, as planned - though I was never entirely happy about it as this is two weeks' in a row - out in London last night and staying there. Now DS is still sick, though as far as DH knows on the mend. However I have not heard from him since yesterday lunchtime. I have one missed call from him at DS's bedtime and that is it. I have emailed him at work stating I am seriously unhappy and that I expect him home no later than 7pm and no response yet, which has got me worrying. How am I going to handle this? I already told him Wednesday night I was pissed off with him and he was taking things too far. I'm not being unreasonably naggy am I? This really is a bit beyond the pale?

I don't think that is the case with DH and DS. We do despite this thread split childcare failry equally during the week, so DS doesn't appear to cling to one or other of us more or less. I think pure and simple, DH wants his cake and would like to eat it too and needs to be reminded this can't always be the case. He would complain I am sure that he doesn't spend enough time with DS and he misses him but he just seems to have this block where he doesn't understand he is the one with the power to alter that.

Yes, I think he does worry about providing and I think if he was honest he'd like to change career entirely which I have told him I can support. However, despite my salary and his salary we are in the same boat a lot of people in the middle are: big mortgage, no family nearby so large childcare bills, no state help (don't qualify for anything other than employer tax-free contributions). The big mortgage doesn't mean a huge beyond our means house btw just a normal family terrace in the centre of a nice town. Has to be in the centre as we both commute and need to be in relative distance to the station.

The only answer is to plan, plan and plan some more!

HistoryNerd Fri 24-Aug-12 13:07:24
This doesn't sound like a marriage to me, you're living pretty separate lives.

Sounds a bit judgmental, tbh.
If you're both working with young kids, hard to do much different.

Not easy for everyone to have a SAHD/SAHM,

We have a family calendar but have become bad at filling it in! I keep telling him if it isn't on the calendar it isn't happening but I suspect I don't really mean it. Good point though, I will deifnitely renew this and it's great to have the other perspective of a WOHM/SAHD.

The job thing, it does sound bad doesn't it. Without outing myself there are other ancillary circumstances that suggest staying where I am might be best. It would make it easier to have another child, I'm still challenged at my current place, they gave me everything I asked for when I told them I was going to resign. Yes it would have been best if I didn't have to get to that point. But look at this: I'm on the sofa at home working but also on MN getting advice abour my personal life. I will get a decent amount of work done but it doesn't matter too much that I have taken some time out for personal reasons. Similarly, when I lost a whole morning to taking DS to and from the GP earlier this week, that was ok too and I was relatively unstressed about losing and making up the time because I know my company knows me and that I am not purposely short-changing them. (I worked in the evening btw and sent DS to nursery in the afternoon).

I am worried we are edging towards separate lives and certainly DH and I haven't had much time alone together out of the house in the past few months. Again I have brought this up as a concern and we are trying to address this.

Agreed OMC... a lot of parents who both work don't see much of each other in the early years. There's littl eoyu cna do.
And Sophie, yes, plan, plan, plan sounds like the plan but don't know in what vocation your DH is but DP can't always get out of drinks after work or seminars up North etc...or it would considerably impact his chances of a bonus ... where money is important men tend to do what they see is right for the family....changing plans at the last minute seems sometimes less onerous than saying no to the boss or that new mandate you've worked on for months.

That's right Olive my Mum says my Dad was always the same and I know my sister's DH is much the same too. I think generally they like to make people happy and it's easier to deal with an annoyed Wife than an annoyed boss, colleague, supplier, etc.

We have for many years, even before DC led fairly separate lives Monday - Friday given work, social and sporting demands. We accepted this some time ago as we tried a few things but they never worked. Clearly this is more a problem now as with DC it means one of you must always be in. Previously if he was out I just would have gone out too, or to the gym or for a run or whatever.

I don't want to be too harsh on him and I don't think we have a huge "go and stay at your Mum's" problem. I think he's taken it too far, I've recognised it and we'll try to put some things in place to stop it happening again.

Try perhaps this: one night a week that is for the both of you, as it's not only DH looking after DS you miss but time as a couple, on another thread someone suggested making Thursday night couple's night. That could work for you? Just as DH has football night, he could have a night a week with you and he could tell his secretary / work not to book things on that evening?

I completely agree with that crescent.

Great idea - we have tried that in the past and it neer works. I think it is important to trial it again though.

And tomorrow I am definitely getting up and going out. But not for a whole day, just the morning, then I want snuggles with my boy . I used to do this when I was on Mat leave and initially after I went back to work, then DS went through a huge teething period and I was less enthralled with the whole getting up and out thing and it's just sort of dropped from there on in. Just need to re-balance I guess as I used to do this on Saturday's and DH used to go out first thing Sunday then we had the rest of the time all together.