How to deal with this friend.

[Megan74]

This is more of a 'am I imagining this ?' thread. I would n't want to say this in RL as it all sounds a bit woolly but here goes. I have a local friend, lets call her Tina. Her son is in the same year as mine and they are friends. We speak via email/text regularly and see each other quite a bit. All sounds good.

However, she is always so sly in want of a better word.Just lots of underhand comments and little digs. I can't quite put my finger on it. Here are a few examples:

1.I was telling her how bad I feel about not being able to take my daughter for her first day at school (my mum is doing it so not the end of the world)due to work. Further into the conversation she starts telling me how she is going to take a years sabbatical when her youngest starts school so she can be around. I read that back and it looks a bit ridiculous but at the time I thought I just wouldn't have said that at that time to a friend who is clearly worried about not being around for the childs first day at school.

1. Tina offered to take my son to the cinema with her son. My son is a good reader- just one of those things. Her son is good at maths. All good at different things blah, blah. Tina returns and says while they were out they did some maths and she was "surprised her son could do the sums but my son couldn't". I was a bit at the comment and why was she testing my son. Weird but just ignored it.

3.Every time her son goes to a party that my son hasn't been invited to she calls me up saying " lovely party, the whole class was there.blah blah." I reply calmly "well Tom wasn't so the whole class wasn't there". She even spent an hour talking to me once listing all the people who were there and how odd that Tom wasn't.At the time it upset me as it became clear that Tom was the only one not invited but I am guessing there was a mix up somewhere.Anyway I digress.

She is also constantly commenting on other mums (very threatened by anyone slim/attractive) as well as the children.

But.

She can also be great fun.The above is not the whole of her character by any means. But over the years I have learnt not to share my worries as she then seems to say something that almost rubs my face in it.

How do you handle people like this?I find it so darn confusing.

I veer between thinking she is just plain tactless or an utter bitch. I pulled her up on the party comments by telling her she was being insensitive and she turned it round by telling other people I get funny about parties. So now I look like a loon when one less party would be great.

How do you deal with people like this?Ignore or say something and if so what?

Wow that was quite a rant.

Tina: 'I was amazed my son could do sums yours couldn't!'
You: 'Really? My son says yours is shit at reading'

Tina: 'I'm taking a year's sabbatical'
You: 'Blimey you're going to be fucking skint, mate!'

Tina: 'All the other kids were at Ben's party...I wonder why your ds wasn't?'
You: 'Me and Ben's mum had a massive punch up last week'

I think she sounds like a total bitch. Her behaviour is probably caused by her having low self esteem and being very insecure, but a bitch all the same!

I once had a friend like this. She compared our DCs constantly and seemed to revel in making put down comments about me and my DCs. And like someone else has said, she was very cunning as she made me doubt myself and maybe feel I was being a bit too sensitive or that I was just taking her the wrong way. However every time I saw her I ended up feeling very deflated and down. So I distanced myself a bit and stopped contacting her. She ended up getting very nasty. I think she sensed I was avoiding her. But it confirmed I'd made the right decision about her.

If she's a bitch about other people, she'll be a bitch about you, don't make the mistake of thinking you're special to her.

Don't say anything to her, she's already turned it round on you - just back off from the friendship.

I think people like the OP has described, although bitches, are actually very clever. Such as turning it round on the OP about the party 'I can't believe you're so unhappy your DS wasn't invited to a party'.

I often wonder do they spend all their time thinking of ways to be bitches or is it just built in to them? It's a very calculating way to be

Thanks all. I think I shall just back off more,or as much as I can but will also be more direct without being arsey.

Actually. I am thinking someone who needs this much figuring out can't be much of a friend.That should be enough to call it quits really.

Megan74 your OP could be talking about one of my friends.

I have a hundred examples of her subtle and not so subtle put-me-downs.

she can be really kind and is always the first in the group to offer help when someone needs it, but the flip side is she is excessively boastful about her 2 wonder children.

One of the latest examples
My Ds1 struggles at school academically but works really hard for the results he gets. I mentioned I felt sad for him getting a C in a controlled assessment that he'd worked his socks off on and desperately hoped he'd get a B and before I'd finished what I was trying to say she interrupted to tell me how lucky I was because her DS is so bright he doesn't ever study and gets A's !!!

WTF did that mean.

I often think actions speak louder than words. You don't need to say anything at all if you don't want to. If she comes to talk to you at school pick up and starts making her digs, just look at her, don't say a word, don't engage with her at all and just say 'Right, I'm off to take the kids to brownies/go the shop/whatever' now, and walk off. Engaging as little as possible will help to get the message across

kitkatco - Strangely my friend is exactly like that in term of times of need. She is always the first to offer help. Although I very rarely take her up as she is also the first to bitch about doing it to others.

I think you need to read through some of the answers here.No normal person would boast about A's when their friend is saying they are upset about their child working so hard and not getting the grade they hoped for.

I really have sussed it though. As I said above no one requiring this much figuring out can be a friend. Its just too much effort and friendship shoudln't involve taking time to work people out.

Hmmm. do you think these types of personalities are thick skinned and she wouldn't get the message that she'd offended Megan74

Badeducation - I know what you are saying but we have alot more contact than just the playground. She is pretty much everywhere I go except work.We live in a small place so we go the same gym, the same shops etc.If it were just the playground it would be easy. I knew her before the children began school too so we have history and shared friends. I think distance is key but fo agree with your suggestion not to react. Although can be ricky when she asks outright whether Tom is going to X's party etc.

megan74 if your kids weren't younger than mine I would be wondering if we had a friend in common.
My mum thinks my friendship with her is toxic, but when I had a year of severe depression, she basically stepped in and took care of things and now, years later I still feel I owe her.

do you perhaps feel your friend has a similar 'hold' over you?

If she asks if Tom is going to X's party, just say 'yep' or 'no' and then change the subject. 'Isn't it a lovely day today. I don't think we're going to get any rain today'

You might need to be a bit careful with how you plan your day for a while, until she gets the message. Go the gym at the time she is least likely to be there. If you're in a shop, say hi and then excuse yourself as you're in a terrible rush.

kitkatco, I agree that this type of person is often very thick skinned, which is why I think it is a waste of time to try to tell a person like this that they have offended you as they will always turn it back round onto their 'victim' and manipulate the situation. Best thing is to give them as few opportunities as possible to spread their toxicity.

I hope you don't think I am jumping in on you issue Megan, bit it strikes such a strong chord with me.

When our DS's were younger, there were only 6 boys in their class. she invited all of them to her DS's party and said to me, when I queried my DS's exclusion, that he wasn't sporty and there were going to be games like football organised so she thought my DS wouldn't fit in.

(he was gutted to have been left out and has specifically never asked her DS to any of his parties despite me never making an issue of it to him!)

It's not a matter of being thick-skinned - her behaviour is deliberate and intended to hurt you. There are some messed up individuals who set out to make other people unhappy and she's one of them. Once you appreciate this, you can just laugh at her when she starts so she gets no 'food' from you.

kitkatco, people like that have a knack of making out that their toxic/bitchy actions and words are for the good of their victim.

Compliments with a sting in the tail so that you are unsure as to whether they meant it in a good or bad way and then you question yourself.

Doing unkind things but making out 'it's for your own good', as in your friend that left out your DS from the party.

Megan74 just thinking about Tina testing your son's myths ability. What a fucking liberty.

OP, I kind of understand where you are coming from. You want to remain 'friends' but not too friendly to avoid all these issues she is causing/commenting etc.
I have a 'friend' like this whom I cannot avoid either day to day. I say as little as possible to her. I don't big up dd as I suspect she is a little jealous/insecure. I do not trust my dd with her. So I do not let my dd play alone at her house unless I am
There. His way, I avoid her giving my
Dd Maths problems like ur friend did for example.
It is getting harder and harder every day to find an excuse to stay cordial btw. But she is cleaver, I suspect she knows what I think.
Let the relationship fizzle. Really no need todo anything.

Cleaver?! Clever!!

Sorry Mathis ability not myths

Hi Megan74,
There are a lot of good responses here.

I would try the "do you know you are being very rude?" response once. There may be a 0.0093746 % chance that she has had a neglected upbringing and just has no social skills what so ever. If she blushes or is shocked at never having considered it...then you may have done her a great favor at suggesting (some) self-awareness.

But, if her response is a blank, or a new twist back-at-you dynamic, then you know this is her personality and won't likely change.
Imho, you are wrestling with the question of dumping her because you are a nice person. Nice people make delicious targets for these types of emotional predators (some may think me harsh for using such a descriptive, but that is what she is).

She wants to be in control and feel superior, and this is done at the expense of others. It is personally disgusting to me that she uses children for her validation.

Always being first to help can be seen as a sort of "over-functioning": a competition to win superiority points for doing most first. Then when there isn't a 5 min. standing ovation for her efforts, the mood swings dark.

The left handed compliments are wicked. One such person in my life (cut off 4 yrs ago) would tell me that I was "being good". Ok, that's acknowledgement that I'm doing good, yea! But on second thought, this person was presuming to give me a gold star for my star chart- Wait a minute! I'm an adult-I don't have blasted star charts anymore! She superior, me subordinate. So sometimes compliments can be condescending slaps.

I would just be polite but cool with her and find excuses not to engage. With a view to dropping her entirely. She sounds like a total bitch.

I'd also confront her every single time age was bitchy with 'wow do you realise saying that makes you sound really bitchy' or similar (some great suggestions upthread). Every single time. Also agree that she is an emotional predator.

One solution might be to say
" That sounded really rude, did you mean it to?"

But thinking about it, this woman doesn't even merit that.

AVOID

How about "Did you mean to sound such a bitch?"

Thanks all. I have read all your helpful suggestions. I am going to do a mix of avoiding and direct challenging. I think the "do you realise you are being rude?" Will do the trick.