Please help - so confused and need advice

[QuestionTime]

Hi everyone,
Sorry this might be a long one as I will try not to drip feed. I suppose I'm asking what would you do in my situation?
Im 27 and my husband is 41. We have no kids. I met him when I was 21 and I had had a very sheltered upbringing - he totally blew me away.
This year my mum who was my best friend died after a very short battle with cancer. Since then I feel like I have become a different, and not altogether nice person. I feel that I made a huge mistake in marrying DH for a number of reasons. This is something I have been feeling for a number of years - but recently it has become much much stronger.
So first the good things - he tries to give me what I want, is kind, genuinely loves me a huge amount, makes me laugh, is a very good friend, has a wonderful family who I love, and I love him very very much.
The bad things - he is a cross dresser. He told me about this from the start, but for some reason I didn't get the impact this would have on our life and relationship. I thought that I could compartmentalise it - I was wrong. I hate it - and it makes me not fancy him in the slightest. I can't remember the last time we had sex and I actually enjoyed it.
He has also utterly destroyed my confidence. I am actually quite beautiful (as most 27 year olds are - it has taken me 6 years to actually realise this) and a size 10. However he has constantly told me that I need to lose weight. About 6 weeks after my mum died we booked a holiday to Egypt for me to try and relax and come to grips with it. I suppose I had put about 10 pounds on and gone to a size 12. For the first 3 days of the holiday he would flinch away when i tried to touch him or hold his hand and would barely talk to me. Eventually after me breaking down to ask what on earth was wrong he told me that he had felt "cheated" since the wedding (two years before) due to the way I looked.
I've found it almost impossible to get over this and I am very ashamed to say that 6 weeks ago I cheated on him. I was drunk and this person had spent the whole night telling me that i was beautiful with an amazing body and I am utterly ashamed to say that it went to my head. I cant believe that I did it - I am totally disgusted and horrified at myself.
There are other issues such as the fact I earn the vast majority of our money, he has no drive, no ambition or even any friends, however these are all minor in comparison to the above.
So what do you think I should do. I can't ask friends in RL as DH would be very upset if I told them about the cross dressing. Truthfully I am also ashamed at the prospect of being a divorcee at 27 - I know this shouldn't matter but to me it does.
Thank you - and I am totally prepered to get a flaming for my actions.

Sounds like you're both with the wrong people, don't like each other very much and it's taken a crisis in your life for you to wake up to the reality. All the other stuff is peripheral to the core problem really. No shame in admitting you've made a bad choice of husband. Better to cut your losses while you're young.

While I can never condone cheating, ever, I find it totally off that your husband expects you to take on board his cross dressing and love him for it, but feels 'cheated' that you put on 10lbs due to stress, and makes you feel shit about yourself!
He has some very fucked up values!
Does he try and bring his XD into the bedroom?
I think the problem is you've been with him from fairly young and you've grown out of him. Your mum dying probably triggered the catalyst that life is too short. Unless this changes then I can't see much point staying together. You've already cheated on him. I think you know what you want to do.

"Truthfully I am also ashamed at the prospect of being a divorcee at 27 "

Why would that be exactly? Divorce is so common these days that it doesn't so much as raise an eyebrow. There's even a phrase for making a bad choice of spouse in your early twenties.... 'starter marriages'. If you live to average age you have another 50+ years to look forward to on the planet. I'd be far more ashamed getting to my death-bed thinking I'd wasted a perfectly good life being miserable than getting quickie divorce and starting fresh.

He sounds awful OP - selfish, manipulative and belittling. You're young, attractive and have no kids with him, you're also self-supporting via your career. It sounds like you've already made your decision that this is over, so go. Make a clean break and start again with someone who will love and respect you and not make you feel like shit. And please don't let the 'stigma' of being divorced stop you. Fifty percent of marriages fail and there's even a name for ones involving people marrying too young - starter marriages. This has been a mistake. Learn from it and move on.

*actually I think the 50% figure is for the US. Here I think it's more like 1/3. But still - that's a hell of a lot of failed marriages.

He is blaming you for his problems as he doesn't want to face them.
Don't waste your life, don't feel guilty, decide what you want and do something about it.

I agree with what everyone says above, but also want to add this, though I may be projecting: is he perhaps gay or confused about his sexual orientation? I once had a partner who turned out to be gay but at the time he made the excuse for our lack of sex life by the fact that he apparently thought I needed to dress differently and lose weight.

No he doesn't try to bring it into the bedroom - he knows that would be an instant deal breaker for me.
I really don't think he is gay - he has always been very honest about things and think he would have told me. Also never found any gay porn or anything like that.
I do like him as a person very much, but just not sure I can live the rest of my life with him

He sounds horrible. If you stay with him, he will further chip away at your self-confidence. If you have children with him, is he going to insult your pregnant and post-natal body too?

The cross-dressing is something that only you know if you want to cope with. The belittling behaviour, though, is something that no-one should have to put up with.

better to be somewhat embarrassed about getting divorced then to live a lie! he is not fair on you, 'cheated on the way you look after two years' - that's love innit ?
You don't have children and you already cheated (which I think is understandable in the circs), so best to realise you've matured, married to young, and just to get a divorce. You can always stay friends.

too young

Oh my goodness... my hubby has admitted to me that his ideal woman are size 8 leggy blondes... I'm a very curvy (and in my opinion very sexy) size 12 petite brunette!!! I know I'm not his ideal... but I also know he loves me, our sex life has been great in the 6 years we've known each other and has not faded in any way.

What I'm trying to say is, there is no excuse for him talking to you the way that he did. If my husband ever said anything like that to me it would completely break my heart.

Go and find somebody who will appreciate you for the stunning, beautiful woman I bet you are.

I think you should get a divorce.
Don't start having affairs, sort out your marriage (by divorcing) and then seek a happier life.

Your Husband sounds horrid.

You don't have any children, so it really doesn't matter if this is now the end.

I would get out now and cut your losses. He doesn't sound very nice and if you're unhappy now with the XD-ing, think how you'll feel when he's 70!

"I do like him as a person very much"

Even though your grossly flabby body is such a massive disappointment and you find his 'I'm a laydee' exploits repulsive? 'As a person' he sounds bone-idle, vain, controlling and judgemental... and that's just from the brief paragraph you've written. What's to like?

I suppose when you write it down it makes him sound worse than he is. He honestly is a lovely person in so many respects - he just has a few issues. He's probably a nicer person than I am to be honest - he'd never cheat like I did.

Don't beat yourself up too much. It was the wrong thing to do, but you know that - and it has shown you your unhappiness.

He may be lovely in many ways, but he's not right for you. You'd be better to get out now rather than spend more years on the marriage. I mean, if you want kids, you'd be better having them with someone else rather than staying in this marriage getting unhappier and unhappier but more and more tied down. It doesn't get easier to end a marriage with time .

Would he put up with you criticising his appearance over and over? Would he feel wanted and attractive if you told him he was a disappointment, that you felt cheated by the way he looks? Presumably he is totally gorgeous?

I would imagine that like most of us in our forties, he is aware that he doesn't look as good as he once did, and is making these comments to keep you feeling grateful to him and stop you going in search of a younger, more attractive model than himself. I'm not saying that you would if all was well with your relationship, just that it shows that he attacks to deal with his insecurities.

Read through your post again.Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? You are not making each other happy and it's taken the sad loss of your mum to see this.

Just divorce him - if it's this crap now it's probably only going to get worse. He sounds like a knob, I don't blame you for cheating on him and I don't think you should feel guilty. If you continually treat someone like shit (which he has) and are purposefully cruel to them you shouldn't be surprised if they decide they prefer someone else.

27 is nothing. Just divorce him for unreasonable behaviour and find someone worth being with.

you don't make him sound very nice and that's all we have to go on.

You are wrong to have an affair but if you decide to stay with him there's no point telling him IMO.

My advice is still to cut your losses and move on. You could be happier so why not just move on. Unless you want to look back in 5 years time and wonder why on earth you stayed so long.

No children involved...so what are you waiting for?

You can't live like this - he sounds unkind, controlling, hypocritical and mysogynistic.

I don't even condemn you for cheating - and that's a first for me! - as you kind of needed that as a kick up the arse and an eye opener.

(Though not sure about 'I'm quite beautiful as most 27 year olds are'!! Some of us 40-something birds are still alright looking too ya know! ).

Sorry proud I didn't mean the beautiful thing like that!! - my sis is in her forties and she is one of the most stunning people I know

"He's probably a nicer person than I am to be honest "

There's your problem, you see. He's not a nice person at all but you don't think you deserve any better... He really has destroyed your confidence As you found with your flattering fling (and I think you'll look back and realise it was a good thing to do) it's really not difficult to find a man who would admire you as you are, not expect you to stay 21 and gullible your whole life, not sponge off you financially, and who is also quite happy not to trip about in high heels and false eyelashes.

Have you ever considered counselling to help you with your self-esteem issues?

If he is as kind and as good a friend as you say he is then he would not make those cruel remarks to you. He is being very manipulative, sounds controlling and will keep chipping away at your self confidence