Realtionship with Girlfriend And Her Children

[CaptainChuckles]

Hi. This is my first time time on this site so I am sorry if this is posted in the wrong location.
I have been seeing my girlfriend for 9 months now,she has been separated from her ex for two years and the divorce was finalised last month.
I did not meet her children,girl 11 and boy 7, for five months as we wanted to be sure that the relationship was going to work.
The children seemed to take to me,the boy loved playing football etc the girl just chatting and watching DVDs together.
However as their dad does not make time to see them other than one weekend in two they are unhappy and cannot understand why he does not see them more. Recently however their attitude towards me as changed they do not like me at the house, however I suspect the boy is being influenced by his older sister.
My girlfriend and her children have been going to Relate to sort out issues between the three of them. At the last session it came out hat the girl finds it all too much too soon with her mum having a boyfriend. So the Relate Councillor suggested to them that I only see my girlfriend once a fortnight when the children are at their dads, which my girlfriend seems to have jumped at has she is,understandably, desperate for her children to grow up happy and well adjusted.
I know my girlfriend is fearful of loosing me and loves me deeply and misses me so much when we are apart. We live 45miles apart and can only meet at weekends.
This has left me feeling emotionally as if Iam in a revolving door and unsure about our future together. At the moment I cannot see how not seeing the children can ever get then used to me and just waiting for who knows how long for the children to give their mother permission to see me seems strange. So my questions are has anybody had to deal with this situation and how did they manage it? Or is this situation un-workable and I should break both our hearts and suggest we call it a day as I fear the relationship is not going to grow with meeting only once every two weeks and I do not want to wait for months/years for her children to give the green light and it may never happen and that time has been wasted on both sides?
Thank you for any thoughts and comments.
William. aged 50.

You can't blame a mother for putting her children's feelings before those of a relatively new boyfriend. You can't blame children for finding changes in their family difficult to cope with. If you really like each other, it's going to be worth taking things slowly to start with.

However, I don't think children should be dictating their parents' social life. If I were you, what I would suggest to your girlfriend is a middle ground i.e that you meet up every fortnight as a couple when the children are away as the counsellor suggests, but also meet up in between so that they know you are steady part of their mum's life and can develop a relationship with you. Could be that you just go round for DVDs and takeaways and don't spend the night to start with. Think that would work

I agree that, although the children's emotional needs should come first and be accommodated as much as is possible, neither should they be allowed to dictate their parents' social lives. Would your gf consider spending her child free weekends with you, and also going on 'dates' with you, say once a week away from the children? I would see this as beneficial to all involved - the dcs are made to understand that their mum does have a life away from them, and will see you as a friend/boyfriend, but are not forced to also spend time with you or have you overnight in 'their' territory, and you and gf actually get to spend some quality time alone. I realise that childcare doesn't always make this an easy option. If this was working, then you could start to reintroduce time together with the dcs in a while? Hope it works out for you op.

Could you treat it like a long distance relationship for a while. You could ring and Skype in the meantime. It wouldn't be do bad and if it was me (who was you) it would make me love my girlfriend all the more to see her make the sacrifice of not seeing her boyfriend all the time, for her children. She must be a lovely caring mother and I would find that attractive in a partner.

In the long term it will strengthen your relationship.

"She must be a lovely caring mother"

I don't know. It's one thing to be caring but it's not the same thing to let your kids control your life. That's just being a doormat. One day they will be off making lives for themselves and, if she's left alone because they put the mockers on any potential partners, she'll regret that.

Thank you for the replies so far.
We do treat it like a long distance relationship,45miles apart which is 1 hour 15 mins in the car, we ring each other every night for over a hour.
She is a loving caring person. However seems torn between wanting to see more of me and the emotional needs of her children. One minute she is saying "they do not relies how happy you make me" the next "can we miss a weekend"
The one time her daughter did not want me to go on a day out with them my gfrnd was in tears and said "that is not happening again". She her self has said she does not want to grow old with no one in her life. I fully understand her children come first and their emotions should be reconised. However she seems hesitant to talk to them about their emotions or challenge what they are saying to find out more in fear of upsetting them and making things more stressful.
When I am at the house the children always seem to have friends round or be out playing with friends so we do not have a lot of contact anyway.
So I am totally confused by the whole thing.

I'll go out on a limb and say that after just 5 months was probably too soon for you to be meeting and ? Staying over every weekend.

The may like you as a person but are obviously struggling with the situation.

I agree with the counsellors suggestion of you spending time with your GF when her children are with their father.

If she can't say no to her kids and they have her in tears, that's something only she can address. Depends how patient you're prepared to be really but, in your shoes, I'd get fed up if they always got priority.

As you have been in a relationship with her for 9 months I think it would be a waste to be scared away by the complications how. However I guess it really depends on how much time you have been having together for those 9 months. If you have only seen eachother a handfull of times then you have a lot more getting to know eachother to do which is going to take time you feel like you don't have.

Only you can know if once a fortnight meet-ups is going to give you the relationship you want, and you sound doubtfull. Maybe your heart just isn't in it but you are scared to upset your girlfriend?

How do you know house?

I've seen the thread. Go look.

What thread? Look where? Why so cryptic?

I may be naive but I'm not getting 'set-up' let alone 'army' from the OP at all ... not the usual laddish language, hostile misogynistic references, far-fetched storyline or 'hi ladies' opener, for example. I'd have thought it's fairly common for new partners of people with children to experience prioritisation difficulties.

Well, he's getting some very sensible replies, so he'll be disappointed if he's after a bunfight. And hopefully helped if he (or anyone in similar circumstances reading the thread) is on the level.

I have.

And I mean no offence calling it 'dull'. Actually the answers given here could be very relevant to a situation I might face soon.

Hi. We are only together with the children one weekend in two. The other weekend we are alone, my glrfnd comes to my house so I can cook for her and look after her and let her chill out and unwind.
In 9 months we have seen each other about 34 times and 10 days away on holiday together without the children.
My concern is will the relationship stagnate only seeing each other two weekends a month? and if I do not see the children how will they get used to me?I like the idea of cutting down just going for say the Sunday when they are with mum and not stopping over and see how things go from there. We still see each other for a whole weekend when they are with dad.
Am I scared or more heart not in it? Maybe. Iam scared of trying and it not working, then start all over again with somebody new. To add depth to the discussion it is two years since my wife of 25 years died and 10 months since I was dumped from a relationship of 8 months.
We are away together without the children for the BH, we will just have to sit down and have a firm and frank exchange of views and see where we go from there.
Thanks for all the posts.

Hi Again.
I suppose what Iam trying to say is I do not want to throw the baby out with the bath water.
Maybe I am scared of upsetting my grlfnd but knowing the state of mind she has been in recently, on the phone to me crying at her whits end not knowing what to do about the children and their behavior. I am scared of tipping her over the edge mentally. having been dumped I am sensitive to this. She has said her life is so much better now with me in it I make her so happy and Iam a great support and help.

is it being troled as a result of the thread about men being badly treated on here? I half expected some kind of invasion but it's pretty annoying because now I just look at every new AIBU/Relationship thread and think 'is this a man trying to get us all to scream 'leave the bastard'?

Do you love her?

Be honest with her and phrase it as you have above. You want to be with her and you want to get to know her children. You understand her children come first but you're worried that, if you're forced to spend too much time apart because her children have the veto on your relationship, it'll fizzle out. If she's so seriously distressed about her children's behaviour more generally (and it's always worrying when young kids have the whip hand over parents) then maybe you could suggest that, with your support, you could address that together. Be her back-up.