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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

men don't leave for nothing right?

63 replies

MrsBucketxx · 23/08/2012 10:42

i have a friend who's dh has walked out saying "he doesn't live her anymore" they have been together 10 years and have three children.

he has told her not to tell anyone and she is going out if her mind basically. confused depressed etc

maybe i have been on here too long but, men don't leave a happy home just like that do they. I'm thinking there must be another woman? what do you think?

I'm there for her and not said anything to worry her more.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 23/08/2012 10:43

People do fall out of love, or become deeply unhappy within a relationship - there isn't always someone else involved.

MadAboutHotChoc · 23/08/2012 10:43

yes sadly it seems to be the case 99% of the time.

The fact that he told her not to tell anyone is very unfair, cruel and revealing - a sign of a guilty conscious.

he broke his promises to her so she is entitled to tell the world Angry

homeofhelp · 23/08/2012 10:46

he may be really stressed out about something and need space. your friend is going to need all the suppirt she can get. not all man cheat. some men deal with stress this way he maybe under alot of pressure and doesnt know what to do. i do feel sorry for your friend though

dequoisagitil · 23/08/2012 10:48

She should totally ignore him telling her not to tell anyone. She needs support and she needs it now. Advise her to get her family and other friends rallying round. he's being really cruel trying to deny her that.

What he's doing is trying to leave the door open, expecting her to take him back if he wants and no harm done, cos nobody will know... Got to get it out in the open so he feels the consequences socially of just sloping off. Currently he's in fantasy land.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/08/2012 10:49

They can, and do, take off by themselves, but that doesn't fit with 'don't tell anyone'. 'Don't tell anyone' so that they don't think badly of him? 'Don't tell anyone' because she'll find out the truth? 'Don't tell anyone' because he's thinking it might only be temporary?

Sorry your friend is so upset. I'm sure he'll surface somewhere and all will be revealed soon. In the meantime, I'm glad she's told you.

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 23/08/2012 10:50

he said all of their freinds are shared so don't say a word.

I'm just waiting for the ow to pop out of the closet now. he told the kids he was going and the older two blame her for some reason?

i hope there is no one else.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 23/08/2012 10:54

In a way it would be better if there was. At least she'd have a reason. Tell her to shout it from the rooftops, especially in the direction of his family Angry

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/08/2012 10:56

When my ex walked out on me I took HUGE pleasure in telling anyone who would listen what a shit he was, including he favourite uncle. That really upest him :) I suggest that she should break the sad news to all these shared friends precisely because he's told her not to. Some will choose him over her but it never hurts to get your side of the story out first.

dequoisagitil · 23/08/2012 10:57

So what if they're shared friends? She's the one with his mess dumped in her lap.

Heaven forbid he look a scumbag, when he's acting a scumbag Hmm.

Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 10:58

If I were her I'd tell anyone I wanted to - especially if I need them to support me. Poor woman Sad

Bossybritches22 · 23/08/2012 10:59

sigh Bring her on here,it's fucking silly season for twat DH's/ STBexes it seems.

Poor love needs some support & if she can't get it in RL at least there's loads on here.

Personally the very reason he's said "don't tell" would make me want to post it on bloody FB.

The OW is probably someone in their circle & she has yet to tell her DH.

Shame.

MrsBucket stand by with tissues, cuppas & a large bottle of wine.

HecateHarshPants · 23/08/2012 11:02

no. Nobody leaves for no reason. There is always a reason.

They may not be happy. They may be a cheating arse. They may be depressed. They may be being abused. They may just not love the other person any more...

There are a million and one reasons why someone walks out of a relationship, but nobody ever does it for no reason.

Oh. And telling her not to tell anyone - fuck THAT! Who the hell does he think he is? He has no right to tell her that and she doesn't have to listen to him.

He is no doubt doing it so he can control who knows what and when, putting his own spin on in and/or so he can keep his options open, in case he decides to go back. People won't know what he did.

Of course, here's hoping he doesn't just get to walk back in if he chooses to, I hope she knows that's her choice, not his.

He made the only decision he gets to make from here on in - the decision to leave!

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 23/08/2012 11:02

bossy funny you say that i have another freind whos dh has been sending flirty messages on his phone and FB. silly season it is.

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 23/08/2012 11:04

they're shared friends so don't say anything = don't make me look like the arse that I am.

He walks out on her and expects her to protect him from other people's feelings about that?

He is off his rocker. Please tell her to tell anyone she damn well pleases.

If I was told that, that would be my cue to make a ruddy banner and hang it from my damned roof.

The nerve of him.

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 23/08/2012 11:06

she has lost a ton of weight already, i have been with her to the docs but he just said its stress and there is nothing he can do

I'm really worried about her :(

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 23/08/2012 11:06

Hecate Grin too bloody right!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/08/2012 11:10

Can you do something with the information MrsBucket? Are any of these mutual friends known to you? What with FB and everything it's so easy to accidentally send a blanket e-mail to everyone... whoops!

dequoisagitil · 23/08/2012 11:12

I like Cog's thinking Grin.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/08/2012 11:14

Has your friend seen a solicitor yet? Personally, I found the solicitor a lot more helpful than the doctor when trying to get my shit back together post being dumped. Illusion of control at least.

adrastea · 23/08/2012 11:14

men don't leave a happy home just like that do they
Self-evidently it was not a happy home or he wouldn't have left.

Relationships/marriages where one person leaves or is cheating or lying are not happy or OK relationships/marriages. By definition. Whether that's because both are unhappy or one person is messed in the head/selfish/deceitful/behaving badly/whatever.

Your friend should tell whoever she wants to tell. How long is she supposed to keep it a secret? That's just ridiculous. You sound like a good friend, OP.

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 23/08/2012 11:14

there really his mates and their wives to begin with and im not linked on fb to yhem we are mates from college years ago.

i have told her to shout about it to everyone they know, she feels like she us in the wrong somehow right now.

OP posts:
bionicmummy · 23/08/2012 11:20

I would tell everyone myself!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/08/2012 11:25

Tempting to wonder 'what did I do wrong?' at times like this when, of course, the answer is almost certainly 'nothing at all'. This is where you come in as a friend to reinforce that she is the totally injured party, there's nothing to be ashamed of, he's the one that's walked out on the family not her.... etc. etc. You have to ease her gently from shocked and saddened to 'angry'.. because that's when the weight-loss stops and she'll find some strength.
If he knows her personality, 'don't tell anyone' will be another way of exploiting her guilt. Oh what tangled webs we weave...

ErikNorseman · 23/08/2012 11:32

Get her on here, we will work out what's going on. The MN relationships massive are always bang on the money when it comes to idiot/cheating/abusive/dickhead spouses

DoMeDon · 23/08/2012 11:34

"don't tell anyone" because then they will all know I'm an arsehole.

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