Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

men don't leave for nothing right?

63 replies

MrsBucketxx · 23/08/2012 10:42

i have a friend who's dh has walked out saying "he doesn't live her anymore" they have been together 10 years and have three children.

he has told her not to tell anyone and she is going out if her mind basically. confused depressed etc

maybe i have been on here too long but, men don't leave a happy home just like that do they. I'm thinking there must be another woman? what do you think?

I'm there for her and not said anything to worry her more.

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 23/08/2012 11:36

Tell your mate to tell whoever she wants.

If he's unhappy, and they can't sort it out, I'm assured it's better he leaves than try and overlap her in an affair.

has he sorted out money and support for the children? If not, he's an arse. If he has - well, less so.

+1 for adrastea Thu 23-Aug-12 11:14:48
Self-evidently it was not a happy home or he wouldn't have left.

We don't know why he was unhappy, so just be there for your mate.

Heleninahandcart · 23/08/2012 12:01

he has told her not to tell anyone and she is going out if her mind basically. confused depressed and that is just where he wants her.

She tells someone, they tell her about OW. She stops being confused, depressed and gets wise and angry. He is under the illusion he can control the situation right now, as soon as she tells he becomes the local knob.

Lovingfreedom · 23/08/2012 12:06

Totally agree with everyone on here re how to deal with this man telling your friend not to tell anyone. That is not up to him. Your friend can do what she likes. If I were her I'd tell everyone. He will tell people when it suits him and you can bet it will be his interpretation of the scenario, with certain details left out.

Lovingfreedom · 23/08/2012 12:07

Well...not 'everyone' but you know what I mean..whoever she feels she wants/needs to tell.

skyebluesapphire · 23/08/2012 13:58

My STBXH walked out right out of the blue, totally shocked the hell out of me. He was texting OW but reckons nothings going on Hmm. I told him he must be the 1% then, as 99% of the time, texting OW over 100 times a day means that there is something going on!

My ex reckoned that he had been unhappy for a long time and his feelings changed over time, but he didnt bother to tell me so that we could do something about it.... he just walked out......

Like someone else says, get her on here to tell her story, then we can advise more.....

KatieScarlett2833 · 23/08/2012 16:12

Get her on here to talk to Lou

Lou is amazing

Bossybritches22 · 23/08/2012 17:16

Yep we have a few amazing ladies on here & masses of support from the Nest of Vipers MN collective.

Tell her to come on down, we don't bite well not the innocent parties anyway Grin

izzyizin · 23/08/2012 17:23

As you've opined, this board's massive is always spot on, Erik, and they're handy at crafting banners that can be strung between the chimney pots in the manner of Hecate's sage advice.

I find loud hailers and jungle drums particularly effective for speading the word and keeping interested parties on message.

Go forth and spread the word, Mrs Bucket, and encourage your friend to tell it how it is join you Grin

Springhasarrived · 23/08/2012 20:19

I have a male friend whose wife has walked out like this OP. This woman left a very happy life too. Its been about 2 months now. He is doing really really well but I would put my life on there being OM. I've suggested it and he accepts it is a possibility and said in some ways he hopes so as her reasons for going are so weak. eg. You never ask me when you buy me presents, you just buy me stuff!! She says she has left to "pursue her dreams". There is nothing she couldnt have done and stayed with him. He even suggested she might want a break and maybe go travelling or whatever but no, she is buying a flat etc etc. She presented it as a fait accomplice. I am going, this is what is going to happen, etc. The dc's are devastated and very angry.

It's hard being a friend and knowing the right way to help.

ExpatinDXB · 23/08/2012 20:32

I've got a friend going through exactly the same thing. 10 years, 3 kids and a selfish arse of a man who's trying to control the PR of him abandoning a family.

skyebluesapphire · 23/08/2012 21:43

My ex just tells people that we "split up". Er no, we didnt just split up, you walked out on me with no prior warning, no arguments, no discussion, just announced you didnt love me any more and walked out!!

He doesnt tell that bit to people...... its all about them looking good

panicnotanymore · 23/08/2012 21:55

I told everyone who cared about me that H had been shagging a girl from work for months, gone on holiday with her, flown her across the Atlantic to stay with him when he was away on business.... the works. I even told his mum and his sister. Why? Because I was damned if I was going to let his version get out there.... How he had to leave me for my own good, how there was no one else, how he was sacrificing his home life for my future, how he was some kind of sainted martyr who'd gone without sex for 10 years (Really???? I was under the impression we were ttc, and my current bun in the oven must be down to an immaculate conception).

Tell her to tell anyone she wants to - people will rally round, support her, and keep her sane. I could cry when I think about the kindness my friends have shown me. The fact I'm actually happy and sane is 100% down to talking things through with friends.

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 24/08/2012 07:45

i have asked her to come on here and she said she might when her heads in a better place.

she's still not eating though, i told her about the solicitors and she us going after the bank holidays.

to top it off she still wants him to come back.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/08/2012 09:03

"to top it off she still wants him to come back."

Keep telling her what a shit he is and be there for the moment she gets out of this shock/denial/desperation phase. Has he been back in touch since he left?

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 24/08/2012 09:49

no he has dissapered. only phone calls to tell her not to speak to anyone and to speak to the kids.

its made me realise that my dh is lovely, even if he can be a grumpy sod at times.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/08/2012 09:57

He sounds like a total charmer. Hmm I wouldn't be putting him through to the kids, put it that way. She needs to talk to him, preferably face to face, because there will be hundreds of unanswered questions keeping her awake at night and she won't be able to progress from being a deer in the metaphorical headlights until she starts getting answers.

Happylander · 24/08/2012 10:00

He doesn't want her to tell anyone in case it doesn't work out with OW and he can come crawling back and no one will no. What a selfish arse.

Hope your friend is doing okay. Tell her it gets better and I am now bloody glad my twunt of an ex left!

Only4theOlympics · 24/08/2012 10:08

Who she talks to and tells is her choice not his. He has walked out on het and no longer gets a say in what she does.

All this "don't tell anyone" achieves is stopping her coming to terms with what is going on. If he had any kind feelings for her at all what would he keep her in limbo? Short answer is that he doesn't. So she really needs to start making her own choices.

Bossybritches22 · 24/08/2012 20:22

OK he needs to be told to naff off with his not telling anyone crap.

Suggest to her not to answer his calls, other than a text to say he needs to come & talk to her face to face about what is happening with regard to long term plans. What is he saying to the kids? Arse.

The poor woman, I know she's upset but if she got angry it might be better temporarily.

Abitwobblynow · 25/08/2012 13:45

Has the OW been found yet?

She is there... and you will be amazed at how quickly your friends will be transformed from shock and awe into RAGE

OneMoreChap · 25/08/2012 15:24

Abitwobblynow Sat 25-Aug-12 13:45:02
Has the OW been found yet?

She is there...

might be there.
But whatever, the OP should still tell family/friends what has happened.
And if there is an OW she's more likely to find out by telling folk what he's done.

Lifeissweet · 25/08/2012 15:41

Can I just point out that leaving does not necessarily make him a shit. I left my marriage. I know that to my ex-H it seemed out of the blue, but it really wasn't. There was no one else involved. I was deeply unhappy and had been for a long, long time. I was losing myself and there were problems with the relationship that couldn't be solved.

I left and left my DS behind, which was the hardest thing I've ever done (I did continue to see him everyday and he lives with me now). As I was leaving, I didn't feel I could ask my exH to leave the house. That would have been cruel and it was my DS's home, so I wanted him to stay there. I carried on paying the rent and the bills (I was the main earner) and, as I left, I phoned ex-H's best friend and asked him to go round and support him.

Leaving a deeply unhappy relationship alone does not make someone nasty, a bastard or a twunt. Yes - asking her not to tell anyone does (and I think that's really unpleasant). Yes - if there is someone else involved then that would make him in the wrong too.

I think we need to be careful not to have double standards about this. We are often advising women to leave their husbands when they post about bad relationships or unreasonable behaviour. This may be the same case from the opposite perspective.

OneMoreChap · 25/08/2012 15:45

Lifeissweet Sat 25-Aug-12 15:41:48
as I left, I phoned ex-H's best friend and asked him to go round and support him.

Ha, I did that too. Well, XW's best friend.

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 25/08/2012 15:48

no ow yet, i still think there is one but we have no proof.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 25/08/2012 17:21

lifeis
If a woman leaves it is often just because she IS just deeply unhappy, sometimes there is another man but if so it often comes out before the leaving.

I have very rarely, if ever seen a thread on here where a man leaves in this manner without there being an OW in the wings.

Sorry if that sound like generalisation but it seems true.

Swipe left for the next trending thread