advice needed: childhood abuse

[notdazedjustconfused]

I have recently met a man who has opened up a lot to me about being abused in many ways up until his late teens. He has said he is interested in me, however has a lot of relationship issues. Does anyone have any advice regarding how I can be sensitive to his background/current issues without seeming pitying or patronising? Thank you in advance.

FWIW I would NEVER in a million years have stuck out my relationship with my now DH if I had had a child.

Abuse survivors who are still dealing with the ramifications of their abuse absorb and enormous amount of emotional energy from their partners. I would never have been able to spend the physical and emotional resources I did pandering to my husbands broken inner child if that meant taking it away from my REAL child.

My husband and I now have 2 babies who are quite rightly the focus and draw of our attention and energy. A partner who takes your focus and attention away from your child rather than adding his own positive energy to your child's life is NOT a suitable partner. At all.

I would be especially concerned of his childhood abuse was sexual in nature. If he has not yet worked through his abuse he may not have appropriate boundaries or fully understand how his own emotions and behaviors have been affected. Please remember tht anyone who is frequently around your child is a behavioral model. That may not be the case yet but it will if you progress with the relationship.

In your shoes I absolutely would not allow any partner into my child's life who I wasn't convinced was as well balanced and emotionally stable and positive as possible. May sound unfair but tough shit when t comes to my kids.

I'm now more confused than before! Hadn't really thought about the relationship part yet, was more concerned with how to be supportive first of all.

To me he just seems like he has no idea how things are supposed to work.

This is someone you want to "support"? In what way do you think you're qualified to give that kind of support? Have you thought about how getting embroiled in any kind of relationship, let alone a difficult one requiring plenty of emotional energy (and I include acquaintanceship/friendship/support in that definition) will affect your daughter?

I think if you are sensible you'll be more than "a tad more wary".

I wonder why you feel the need to chase this from what you have said, unless you are being coy about the fact you've got a truly massive crush on this man. Perhaps you're the nurturing type - if so, why not do some training with a view to helping people who are ready to be helped and actively seeking it?

Often men, particularly young men, are on their own for very good reasons. Back off and let him mature and develop and seek help from those professionally qualified to provide it on his own terms in his own time.

In all honesty it doesn't exactly sound as though he's that interested, tbh. It sounds more as though he is trying politely to keep you at arms length, while maintaining your interest.

Another classic control technique...

Id like to add to needsomeperspective comment about not involving a child in this situation, that you also need to be very clear about what you bring into the relationship from your childhood. To be able to provide the stability and super strong boundaries she talks about, I think you need to come from a very healthy, loving, happy family background yourself so you can model this for him without becoming sucked in through your own issues. As someone who is in a similar situation with kids together and not a happy childhood herself I can tell you it can all go very wrong.

He's definitely interested as he's said he is. As for me having a dd, I wouldn't introduce my dd to any prospective partner/friend until I knew they were suitable to be introduced.
I cannot see how having an horrific childhood can make you a bad person to be around though-which is the impression some posters have given me-I am aware I may just be being defensive here.
I was really just looking for advice on how to be supportive as I get to know him.

My partner had a horrific childhood. It has given him a deep understanding of the damage horrific parenting can do and has made him determined to give our children a happy childhood. But it has also made him very insecure and angry, and without a model of loving family relationships.

So when he feels bad, he rages at the children for minor stuff. When he wants something, he is unable to ask for it but has to manipulate to get it. He is so afraid of making mistakes that he lies about the stupidest things. He asks me and the kids constantly if we love him, puts me through cruel emotional tests to see if my love is real and can get jealous of any positive relationship me or the kids have with others (even with each other, sometimes...). I.e. he is a typical emotional abuser. Many of those had, I'm sure, a horrific childhood.

I am still with him because he tries to get better. He is on medication and goes to counselling. He responds well to me setting boundaries. We are starting family therapy soon. But man... it is exhausting and cannot go on like this forever.

Me and others telling you to be careful are not saying he is a bad person. Just that horrific childhoods create horrific damage that does not go away with just love and support. It requires hard, hard work from him and even then it can be a long road, that is not necessarily successful.

Anyway, as for support: you can support him by modelling healthy family behaviour and not letting behaviour you wouldn't accept from others slide because you feel bad for him. On the contrary, pull him up on it and let him see what healthy people do when they are angry, hurt, sad or frustrated. Of course you can also listen to him and let him cry when he needs it. But really, that alone will not be enough to make him better.

I cannot see how having an horrific childhood can make you a bad person to be around though

No-one's saying that. meiinlove has just given you some very sound advice based on her experience. Without wishing to share too much, I can say that nothing can erase the experience or memories of child abuse. On good days yu can be good to be around. On bad days you are very much aware that it isn't really going to end until the day you die.

What you do is entirely up to you, but it does sound as though you're prepared to bend over backwards to adapt or make allowances for him, and that's not a healthy way to start or maintain any relationship. It won't help him in the long run, and it certainly won't be good for you or your daughter.

As meiinlove says, the best thing you can do for him is to treat him like any other bloke - and in this case I'd say any other bloke who's quite interested but keeping you at arm's length. He doesn't need any special treatment.

Take a step back and let it develop - if it does, it does. But your needs and your daughter's needs are just as valid and important as his, no matter what his experiences were, how much you fancy him or how sorry you feel for him.

Sorry, I forgot an important part and the point I was actually trying to make with my first comment. Which is: to be able to give him proper support, you have to be very good at healthy relationships yourself.

Basically, I'm in this mess because I didn't learn about healthy relationships as a child either. I was the buffer between my mother's craziness and the rest of the family, always trying to mediate, placate her and pick up the pieces. So as an adult I've consistently fallen for guys who are emotionally stunted, bad at relationships and 'need' my help to make them function. Again, this is the case for many women (men also?) who are with emotionally abusive partners.

To my shame I didn't see the pattern until I had children, who are now in the middle of it.

I actually agree with house of plain.

I think it's hard to get your head around the effects of abuse unless you have suffered it or been with someone who has.

I agree with what everyone has said. This boy is very young and he will be on a learning curve.

Please be very careful what you are doing and especially as it involves you dd.

You can tell him that he needs professional help, that you will support him through as long as it doesn't impact on your daughter or too badly on yourself. You will act normally with him at all times and be straight and honest with him. You will listen when he needs to talk. But this is all dependent on his seeing a professional.

Meiinlove is spot on. I could have written that post myself a year or so ago. This doesn't make her or my DH "bad people" but it can make them negative role models or damaging to the people closest to them. Not necessarily deliberately but because they themselves are damaged. That can be overcome but it takes a lot of time and effort. There are still times when my H defaults to unhealthy but deeply ingrained ways of reacting or coping. He is now just a lot better at recognizing it and mentally shifting gears.

When you've spend years being beaten for telling the truth, getting "into trouble" or making reasonable requests like being allowed to see a friend for tea it's very very easy to fall back on the things which saved you from being battered ie lying to conceal mistakes, manipulation instead of direct discussion and dissimulation instead of confrontation. It's a hard learned self preservation mechanism which takes huge effort to overcome.

When you've been constantly told you are worthless useless unlovable and a disgrace it's incredibly hard to believe you actually are valued and loved and take that at face value without all kinds of acting out and boundary pushing to see just how "real" the love and support truly is. Many people also cheat because they are afraid to put all their eggs in one basket and feel they have to have a "back up" plan if they are abandoned again.

These issues are very real and very difficult to deal with in a partner. And can have a very bad effect on children and other loved ones. That doesn't mean the person is bad or evil or even deliberately abusive. But the effects are just as evident as if they were.

Just a quick thank you post.
He has agreed to counselling. I did as advised and took a step back rather than letting myself get caught up in the 'possible new relationship' excitement part. I have told him if he wants to be with me (as he's now saying), he needs to work on himself first. He has been referred by his GP and is waiting for his first session.