Should I drop this friend?

[TrippleBerryFairy]

We've been friends for some 5 years- met at work, then I moved on, so did she but we kept in touch.
Straight to the issues. I never particularly enjoyed being in her company as she is the sort of person that overshadows you, talk about herself non stop, it's all about her etc.
After we changed jobs we kept in touch but it was 90% of the time her calling me - sometimes multiple times a day, to vent about her boyfriend, to vent about her family issues, vent about her job issues (oh god, at some point she was driving me potty with her work stuff but I was always to polite to tell her to stop moaning), to ask to help her out with her OU studies etc.

When I gave birth to my son 3 year ago she has visited me once (~40 miles between us), at that time she had no kids.

Then she gave birth to her own daughter and for the past 2 years it was me who was driving to see her every 4 months or so. I did not mind.

Then earlier this year during one of these visits she invited me and DP to her DD's christening. All fine, DP was keen to go. However, she did not folow up the invitation or even mention in again, the christening day came and went (we didn't go as she didn't mention it anymore and no details re location or time were given). She was then talking about the christening day to me as if nothing happened. I was upset and angry so was my DP!

Now, I keep inviting her to my DS's birthdays every year. This year, a day before the party she came up with the excuse of being ill etc. Which I know might be true but I don't think she has ever planned to come anyways. As I said, she hasn't bothered since last visit when DS was 3 weeks.

She tried to call me after the party but I just couldn't be bothered. Asked in text if I was angry to which I replied that I didn't think she was going to come anyway and that i am upset. She apologised and asked to call her when I'm not angry anymore.

Thing is I'm not sure I can be bothered. It's always about her and I think I've had enough listening to her vents. On a rare occasion when I mentioned I have problems (such as going on ADs etc) I get 'hmmm' 'hmmm' 'all will be fine in the end' and that's that, attention is back on her. We can spend 30 mins discussing her problems, I get nothing I feel.

I feel it is not an equal relationship. I'm just tired of her me me me attitude. Would I be a cow not to call her? WWYD?

To be honest I do not see the point in being friends with people whose company you don't enjoy?

If I was in your shoes I would let the friendship fizzle out.

Xx

Does it matter if you would be a cow?

Sorry, I don;t actually think you would, but it seems like the wrong question. You don't like her, she isn't really all that interested in you, she has been rude and thoughtless...there isn't actually a friendship to save. If you get back in touch you either have to tackle her about this stuff or accept she will carry on doing it. I notice she just says to get in touch when you are not angry anymore, but isn't interested in or offering to talk about this at all. Bad sign. So do what you feel is the best thing and don't be guided by how she will feel about it, is my advice.

You don't like her. You never really liked her. You like her even less now and she has upset you. Again.

I think you've answered your own question really. Life's too short to be friends with someone like this. Drift, drift, drift....

I let a very long-term friendship go a couple of years ago. I feel a million times better for it. This woman sounds like a taker - OP, let the friendship go. You have nothing to feel sorry or guilty for.

Well it's not a friendship is it?

You do all the running. She doesn't come to see you. She didn't invite you to christening. She makes excuses not to see you.

She's just not that into you.

Just let it go and concentrate on people who like and value you. She doesn't.

Your 'friendship' will always be about her never about you- that's your role in her life. Drop her now quietly - it will never be any different. I have let a friendship go because of this but I should've done it sooner I lost too much of my time to it. Just don't get back in contact.

I know Eldritch. I do find it weird she says to call her although in all honesty she did call before the text but I just didn't pick up.

Another thing is, some 2 years ago another friend of hers has dropped her in exactly the same circumstances - after not bothering to go to her kids b'day party (for not the first time). I suspect ex-friend was having same issues with her. I had to listen endlessly about how she has no idea why her friend has done that and that she must have her own issues to have done that. I bet she's moaning about me to someone right this minute, knowing her I'm sure of that.
She seems to have a circle of friends who she can download her stuff onto and vent. It seems like that circle is shrinking though .

She can be thoughtless, not sure whether she even realises it (does it matter really anyways). And she was never interested in meeting my DP, DP actually has recollection about how when I introduced them to each other (we were having lunch with her and he just poped in) she kind of brushed him off and continued talking to me (surely it must have been about her own stuff).

I think I know the answer to this one eh?...

Your answer is right in front of you. Let it fizzle out.

She sounds rude and thoughtless, of course drop her as a friend, you really don't need these draining kind of people in your life.

And you know what they say When one door shuts another one opens, so hopefully a better friend on its way to you....

And just to say, I know this relationship is all about taking. I know how it feels when someone is interested in you/your family etc - this is nothing like it. If I internally roll my eyes and have to psych myself up to pick up the phone when she calls - what does that tell me?

I know I know. I am just pissed off with her and DP is pissed off with her (eventhough he doesn't even know her really). There's just too much drama in her life and I'm saturated with it, had enough now. While she constantly talks about her work in details I doubt she could tell what is it that I do for example.

OldBag - I feel I should do that too and I dread it tbh. Not sure why as she couldn't impact my life in any way - we live away from each other, few common aqcuaintances, that's all. I supposed I don't want to be made feel like I'm making mountain of a molehill.

Thanks all for advice.

it's a no brainer. Ditch her. You get nothing positive out of this relationship whatsoever.

I'm with he ditch her and stop wasting your energy wondering.

Don't write to her - just let it fizzle out.

Oh gosh op I have been through same thing with super self obsessed friend. Phase her out slowly. In my case I ended up being too honest and felt like an utter shit. Ugh. It sounds like she does like you in her own way though. If you phase it out discreetly you leave the door open and avoid feeling like total monster.

Pop her in the bin - just do nothing.

I'm amazed it has survived this long when you didn't enjoy being with her in the first place? Just leave it. She has given you quite a nice 'out' actually.

Ok, I see we all agree on this one:) Good, makes me feel less of a cow.

It's been 2 weeks now since that last text so I suppose (hope) she's not up for calling me to discuss. All for the better.

headinhands - suppose she does like me in her own way. As a sounding board and someone to talk about things that piss her off during the day. There isn't much of positive stuff, it's like I'm her agony aunt or something.

Funny how she's gone quiet as soon as I let her know I'm not happy. Really telling, eh?..

I will not contact her and will explain as to why if she ever calls. Thats my plan:)_

I just wouldn't contact her again.

Finally got a phonecall from her. No mention of DS's birthday party, no mention of text, she spoke like nothing has ever happened. Off to moan about changes at her work etc... Bloody hell. How difficult it is to just say - 'hey, I hope you're not angry with me, sorry for upsetting you, didn't really mean it' or something like that...

I was rather curt and did not go into discussing anything she spoke about, just 'hmm' like responses. She was asking about me, holiday I had, hows everything with DP - all that felt like she wants to draw me back into sharing my feelings with her (aka get me hooked again).

I wish she would not have called. Too late now. Plan B: I need to phase her out. She asked if she should send DS's birthday present via post - I will next time we speak ask her to do that as I am certainly not driving over to hers anymore. Perhaps that will be a good opportunity to mention that I am tired of this one sided friendship and will not be putting much effort into it anymore.

I just don't get it - if I thought I upset one of my friends I would call and first thing apologise and ask how they felt. I just could not talk like nothing has happened. Seriously, I don't get this woman. Actually do get her - she doesn't give a flying hoot about me and called to test waters, to see if her agony aunt (e.g. me) has gotten over herself and is back to her usual role.

I think I will have to be a bit rude to her - I don't like it but what else can i do? If I'm nice things will go back to how they were before. And I don't really need this person in my life.

Actually do get her - she doesn't give a flying hoot about me and called to test waters, to see if her agony aunt (e.g. me) has gotten over herself and is back to her usual role

Yup. Sorry. Sack her off.

You do not need such an emotional vampire in your life trying to suck you dry. She is all take, take and take some more.

I would block her entirely from your life and exclude her number from your landline.

I don't think you owe her an explanation, she hasn't behaved like a friend should, IMO. Just don't answer her calls or texts, let it drift.

Sorry to keep going on about this. Need to put this somewhere though.

When I look back I can see exactly why I have ended up in this relationship with her. When we met I had an eating disorder (she does not know about it), my self esteem was on the ground, i had little confidence and was desperate to please people. I was just the right kind of person for her - to listen, to agree, to not kick off, endless patience and no boundaries. She was a grade higher than myself at work when we met (different areas so no work relationship though).

That was 5 year ago. Lots of things have changed - I had therapy, got over the eating disorder, got masters degree, had son, a good career. I have moved up a lot careerwise and am much higher grade than her now. The point is, I have changed a lot and as I changed I saw this relationship for what it was. I cannot accept my role in it anymore - I am not that girl with no self esteem and confidence anymore. I actually want to be treated with respect and have fulfilling friendships. This one is a waste of time as it reduces me to the person I was when we met and I've grown out of that. I don't want to be treated like shit and don't accept that my place is to please others and be invisible if someone demands it.

Anyway. Rant over.