Should I drop this friend?

[TrippleBerryFairy]

We've been friends for some 5 years- met at work, then I moved on, so did she but we kept in touch.
Straight to the issues. I never particularly enjoyed being in her company as she is the sort of person that overshadows you, talk about herself non stop, it's all about her etc.
After we changed jobs we kept in touch but it was 90% of the time her calling me - sometimes multiple times a day, to vent about her boyfriend, to vent about her family issues, vent about her job issues (oh god, at some point she was driving me potty with her work stuff but I was always to polite to tell her to stop moaning), to ask to help her out with her OU studies etc.

When I gave birth to my son 3 year ago she has visited me once (~40 miles between us), at that time she had no kids.

Then she gave birth to her own daughter and for the past 2 years it was me who was driving to see her every 4 months or so. I did not mind.

Then earlier this year during one of these visits she invited me and DP to her DD's christening. All fine, DP was keen to go. However, she did not folow up the invitation or even mention in again, the christening day came and went (we didn't go as she didn't mention it anymore and no details re location or time were given). She was then talking about the christening day to me as if nothing happened. I was upset and angry so was my DP!

Now, I keep inviting her to my DS's birthdays every year. This year, a day before the party she came up with the excuse of being ill etc. Which I know might be true but I don't think she has ever planned to come anyways. As I said, she hasn't bothered since last visit when DS was 3 weeks.

She tried to call me after the party but I just couldn't be bothered. Asked in text if I was angry to which I replied that I didn't think she was going to come anyway and that i am upset. She apologised and asked to call her when I'm not angry anymore.

Thing is I'm not sure I can be bothered. It's always about her and I think I've had enough listening to her vents. On a rare occasion when I mentioned I have problems (such as going on ADs etc) I get 'hmmm' 'hmmm' 'all will be fine in the end' and that's that, attention is back on her. We can spend 30 mins discussing her problems, I get nothing I feel.

I feel it is not an equal relationship. I'm just tired of her me me me attitude. Would I be a cow not to call her? WWYD?

You sound like you used to be like I used to be! I too had no boundaries and would take any old rubbish off 'friends'. I've ditched loads of friends in recen5 years, it's liberating and your self esteem will feel better for it

Op doesn't sound like you particularly like her that much. She causes you stress. What does she add to your life? Just screen her calls and let it drift. You don't owe her an explanation. It's ok to let friendships go that you've grown out of. I think its better to spend your limited time and effort on friends you like!

So my answer is yes!
Drop her. Defriend her on fb... You sound like you know what you want to do, so take a deep breath and ignore her now.

'suppose she does like me in her own way. As a sounding board and someone to talk about things that piss her off during the day. There isn't much of positive stuff, it's like I'm her agony aunt or something.'

I think that sometimes a dynamic where there is mutual moaning between friends / family members can become quite engrained, and it is hard to break. I have had friendships like this before, where we have discussed particular issues that are upsetting at the time (work, in-laws, etc), but then every time you meet after that, they drag you back into wanting to discuss negative things. It is almost that seeing someone being happy can make the other person feel insecure and so they try to keep focusing on the negative.

It seems as if this may have been the case when you both started the friendship - you both had things going on, and probably both got mutual comfort from each other, but you have changed and she hasn't.

I would just let it fizzle out. It sounds from what you said about the last phone call that she was trying to make an effort, asking you about your holiday & DP, but ultimately, you no longer like her or want the friendship.

Try not to be angry with her though - that's the way she is. You can't change her, just your reaction to her.

From the sounds of it you are little more than an unpaid counsellor.
You don't even enjoy her company -why on earth do you bother to see her?

If you write to her it would look like it's you who has issues op

OP what did you decide to do?

BerylStreep - mutual moaning is fine, I have also moaned to her a bit (though it was mostly met with 'hmmm', 'hmmm', 'all will be fine'). But 90% of the time it's her doing it. And when she was asking how are things with DP it felt like she wants me to start moaning.

Panda - why I keep seeing her? Cause I sort of hope that she will eventually be a friend I would like her to be, I feel bad refusing to come and see her, up till now I was trying understand her reasons for not comming to see me such as trains being busy due to Olympics, her DD refusing to sit in the buggy for prolonged period of time, fear of taking the excalators with the buggy etc. I just saw no nice way to drop her eventhough I never really liked her that much!

whereismumhiding - are you in a similar situation yourself?:) I decided to reduce contact between us - starting with picking up her calls 3 times a week instead of every day, then reducing that to 2 or and less. I will feel like a monster if I just stop the communication completely so this plan will make me feel better about myself. I won't get too emotionally involved with her - no oversharing personal information, no getting too deep into discussing her rants. Perhaps I will even muster the courage and tell her that I am a bit tired of her constantly moaning. And hope that she will go away and find someone else to vent to.
I'm not driving tp hers anymmore, i will ask DS's present to be sent by post and clearly say that I will not be coming to see her anymore because I'm tired of doing all the running.

Mozarela, I know exactly what you are talking about.

'How's DP?'

'Oh, he's great, he's doing really well at work and we're off out tonight to go to a friend's bbq.'

NOT an appropriate response. Instead your friend wants:

'How's DP?'

'Oh you know, still a lazy argumentative git. I'm not really sure why we're still together.'

That's better. That makes her feel better.

I'm not sure about telling her that you are tired of doing all the running. Perhaps least said soonest (fizzled out) mended?

Beryl- EXACTLY! My answer was that he's fine etc. and i got 'hmmmm' back, it was not what she wanted! Funnily she didnt call today- bit unusual, probably is giving me more time to get over myself. It's funny really...

Hi mozarela

Oh good u have a plan.

No not in sim situ myself at mo, have been tho 3 years ago and more before then, so know how tough it is .

Nothing like a difficult friend cull to free up your life!

You take care & do it way that feels right for you. But essentially if friend hurting your life and a NAV (no added value), she had to go!! She does seem to be hurting u, so u need to weigh it up n come up with right answer for you xxx