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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i dont understand why

44 replies

skiesmylimit · 21/08/2012 21:36

Me and H got married 4 weeks ago.

Over the past 3 days he has ignored me, kept saying he's not happy, I'm the problem.

Every time I ask what I've done he doesn't reply. As far as I know I haven't done anything wrong. Something doesn't seem right. This was very sudden.

Sunday, he was at work 6am till 2pm, I'd caught bus to my mums with our 2 young children (3 and 4months) as we only have one car to share. And we wer meeting at my mums for dinner. He came, all seemed fine. Got home and has ignored me since. Funny looks, said a few things, such as he's sick of the sight of me. :(

I don't understand it, what has made him suddenly go like this, he's sleeping on sofa tonight, when all I want is a cuddle. He said he's leaving :S

Please don't say he sounds horrible and 'leave the bastard' yes he does sound horrible but I am not going to break it off on my own accord.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 21/08/2012 21:41

The thing is, it doesn't sound like you need to break anything off - he seems to be doing it anyway Sad
No marriage should be like this 4 weeks in. I feel for you but don't make any excuses for this behaviour or think its anything you've done. It's very much him.

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 21/08/2012 21:44

I just don't understand, its so sudden. I'm confused.we are meant to be signing to buy our own house in 2 weeks time!

What could possibly make him like this :(

OP posts:
rightchoice2 · 21/08/2012 21:46

How could any one married 4 weeks say they are sick of the sight of you, it's outrageous. Was he all for getting married, lots of people who have lived together for a long time and then marry start to feel trapped because deep down they did not truly want to marry but some how did. Was he all for this marriage or did it 'just happen'. The least he can do is talk to you, ask him to be honest then you know what you are dealing with.

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 21/08/2012 21:49

Wev been together 4 and a half years, lived together for 4 as I got pregnant after 4 months of the relationship.we are both 22 so still young.

He was up for the marriage, or so I thought! I'm not a big believer in divorce,or they wer just my childish opinions as I know many people get divorced now. I just never thought I would. I don't even want to think about it, I'm hoping its just a phase.

OP posts:
Beckamaw · 21/08/2012 21:53

The thing is that if he refuses to talk, how the hell are you supposed be able to sort things out?
Can you get a babysitter for a few hours and go somewhere to talk things through?

littlemisssunny · 21/08/2012 21:56

First of all I just want to send you a hug, you sound like you could use one.

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, other than to ask him straight what's the matter.

Is there anyone in his family you could talk to? Does he have any brothers or sisters or a friend you could ask, don't have to say why you are asking, just say he doesn't seem himself and you are worried and ask if they have noticed anything.

I hope you can sort it out.

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 21/08/2012 21:56

He is literally refusing to do anything with me, he's really hurting me. I've managed to tell him that, he muttered that he didn't care.

OP posts:
Sugary · 21/08/2012 21:59

Ask him if he still wants to go ahead with the new house. His behaviour is immature and petulant...I'm not sure how you'd deal with this; he sounds like a sullen child!

rightchoice2 · 21/08/2012 22:01

You are young, but with two little ones to consider, it is time for him to grow up fast. If this is totally out of character and he has never acted this way before, let him stop sulking for a while and have time to think and then just ask him to be totally honest with you so that you know what you are dealing with. Sorry you are in this situation so newly married.

TurnipCake · 21/08/2012 22:03

Oh dear, I'm so sad for you (and raging on your behalf)

I went through something similar - except I wasn't married. Things were ok-ish between my ex and I and then one day he became very withdrawn. When I asked him if he wanted me to leave he told me he couldn't stand to be around me. I broke it off. One week later he said he missed me, how things would change, he then suddenly became very distant again and broke up with me when I went to visit him. I asked him if he would have broken up with me had I not seen him that night and he said no. It didn't make any sense.

What made sense was that I was with someone totally disconnected from their emotions, simply reacted to situations with no thought or presence of mind. How your partner is behaving with you is outrageous. How is your relationship otherwise?

I won't say leave him, but I will say you deserve much better than to be treated like this. That's no way to treat anyone.

rightchoice2 · 21/08/2012 22:08

He is blaming you for how he feels right now, punishing you for either feeling trapped, he is 22, two children, married and house commitments to think of and instead of looking in the mirror he is lashing out at you. He is scared.

izzyizin · 21/08/2012 22:09

Either the prospect of a mortgage is a responsibility too far for him or it's a case of cherchez la femme.

I'm sorry to say that my money's on an ow being somewhere in the picture. .

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 21/08/2012 22:11

Our relationship wasn't great beforehand, he works a lot, I'm the sahm, I do all the cleaning/cooking, kids. (He does help with the kids with a bit of moaning). I have just took on a job though with many hours to alternate his shifts, we need it for the mortgage deposit.

We haven't had sex a lot, due to exhaustion every night in bed, I do offer plenty though, but I'm rejected regularly. We don't really kiss and cuddle, but I blame that on again, tiredness. And when we finally get the chance to relax we want to be having time to ourselves. I again, try quick cuddles/kisses, to again get rejected.

I have no family/friends I could talk this too, I am not a good talker to people I know. My family side with him, I've dropped a few hints past couple of days, all I get is that I need to give him a break! Bear in mind I do all the house duties! I'm not hard on him, I just expect help.which I don't get, then arguments may start. He says I boss him around if I ask him to do something. So I don't ask, but then he doesn't do it, so I end up doing everything.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 21/08/2012 22:14

izzyizin I have a horrible feeling you may be right (it's what happened to me)

I know it doesn't add much to this discussion, but he's really not treating you well OP, just the basics, like love, kindness and respect. How have you left things? Is he still in the house tonight?

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 21/08/2012 22:15

izzyizin that has crossed my mind, he has been a bit protective with the phone over the past couple of days. Won't leave it around like he used to, or even put it on charge next to me in bed (plug socket is my side) so instead he took charger to work. I was sat on one end of 3 seater earlier, he was on other, went to put phone in his pocket but stopped and put it in the other one, the one furthest away from me

OP posts:
Original poster
skiesmylimit · 21/08/2012 22:16

Yes, he's took a blanket and pillows to the sofa. Not saying one thing to me. We haven't even had an argument. Nothing. I just don't understand

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 21/08/2012 22:17

Our relationship wasn't great beforehand and yet you got married. Why?

TurnipCake · 21/08/2012 22:18

Oh dear. He's stonewalling you and that's awful.

What's your gut telling you?

rightchoice2 · 21/08/2012 22:18

With that thrown into the mix too, sounds like he has a secret.

LoveHandles88 · 21/08/2012 22:20

Any conversation over dinner that may have tipped the apple cart??

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 21/08/2012 22:24

Nope literally nothing to encourage this.

I'm going to try and sleep, iv started feeling really sick

OP posts:
Yummymummyyobe1 · 21/08/2012 22:33

skiesmylimit So sorry to hear you are having an awful time. I went through something similar with my XH we had been together 7 years had owned several properties together and then after less then 6 months of marriage he decided it was over. Thankfully there were no children, ( I wanted them and he didn't). We had been together since our early 20's and I think sometimes people mature and grow apart sadly but there is life afterwards. He needs to speak to you and explain how he is feeling. I'm afraid if he won't do this then perhaps consider the prospect that you might have to end things (It is easier than letting things drag on as this causes so many more issues in the long run)

Good luck.

izzyizin · 22/08/2012 00:36

The quickest way to cut through this petulant manchild's crap is shock tactics.

He's got away with doing sod-all around the house, only helps with the dc after moaning, and it seems he may be getting his leg over with an ow.

As a newly married woman, now is the time to start as you mean to go on - and that means you have no intention putting up with his unreasonable ways any more.

Pack enough of his clothes/toiletries to last him a few days, and when you next see him tell him to take them and leave because this is not what you bargained for when you married him.

Don't beg, don't plead, don't cry, don't ask him to explain why he's been treating you so badly; simply make it clear to him that you put a higher value on yourself than he appears to do and that if he wants to stay married to you, he's going have to shape up or ship out.

Be absolutely firm and resolute that he doesn't get to stay if he's going to continue disrespecting you.

Put all thoughts of buying property/mortgages out of your head and give it to him straight; he's got to up his game or the marriage is over before its begun.

It is the only way, honey. And the chances are that if you take affirmative action now, and let him see that you're not going to cling to his ankles as he walks out the door, he'll be back within a week and that will be the time that you lay down the law of how your marriage is going to work as an equal partnership of two people who enhance and enrich each others' lives.

Life is far too short to settle for anything less.

Dryjuice25 · 22/08/2012 00:50

Totally agree with Izzy......good luck op (((hugs)))

skyebluesapphire · 22/08/2012 01:19

Izzy is right, please do follow her advice.

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