Is it possible to fall back in love?

[littlemisssunny]

I have been married for 12 years and we have 2 dc aged 6 and 4.

When I look back I wonder why I was attracted to him as we are completely different people. I guess they say love is blind!!

He has always done as he pleased, and if he wanted to go away for weekends etc he has just done it and not asked if I mind, even though I have told him I don't know how many times if he asked I would give my opinion but never say he couldn't as he is an adult, but it would be nice if he considered my feelings.

I feel I can't discuss things with him as if I don't agree with his opinion then I'm wrong end of discussion, I find it so hard to communicate with him.

I guess over time I have built up resentment which isn't a good thing!

I do like to get my own way, don't get me wrong, but I also believe compromise is very important, he doesn't seem to see this. He seems to lack empathy and understanding.

Is it possible to fall back in love with someone? I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about leaving, but I suffer with anxiety and the thought of the unknown terrifies me. I think he would get unreasonable aswell and not want to sort things amicably, which I would want to for the sake of the children, also the thought of spending time apart from them when they would see him is awful!

I know no-one can tell me what I should do and only I can decide but any words of wisdom would be gratefully received!

I'm not really sure what you are asking?

What was your relationship like before marriage/why did you get married?

Sorry if it wasn't clear! We were together a couple of years before we got married and it was my first serious relationship, I always wanted to get married and have children, and was so in love with him he could do no wrong, and I just let him walk all over me I think because I just wanted to please him if that makes sense?

I guess I'm asking if it's possible to fall back in love with someone, and how to communicate to him that things aren't working and we both need to work together to solve it?

Just wondering if it is possible to fall back in love, and what I need to do to try?

If you were to "fall back in love" it would have to be a joint effort. It can't be a case of you working hard at changing your feelings and him carrying on oblivious.

He sounds pretty unreasonable in how he communicates TBH.

Do you think he would go to counselling, if you could impress the seriousness of it on him?

Oh sorry, you said that about working on it together . Skim reading.

I think one piece of advice I've seen which might work is write him a letter to get the ball rolling. It's quite a formal thing to do so it should let him know you are serious, and he can't talk over you or turn it into an argument.

I'm not sure you ever were in love tbh. Sounds like you really wanted marriage and children and wanted to please him.

Does he love you?

What things about him did you used to love if any?

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, did your mother marry such a uncaring and unfeeling man as well?. How did you become such a people pleaser?.

It is no real surprise you have built up resentment over time as he has walked all over you (and unfortunately you have allowed him also to do this. He is also abusive towards you in the way he treats you i.e with utmost contempt). He does not give a toss for you and by turn his children. He latched onto your low sense of self esteem and worth and has milked it for all he is worth.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.
This is not a relationship model you want your children to look up to is it?. Its broken primarily by his actions. Your children are picking up on all this, his contempt towards you and they could copy that in their own relationships. Do not put this man before your children, they will not thank you for remaining with such an individual.

I do not think it is possible to fall back in love with this man and he was ever truly worthy of you in the first place. There is a thread on here on these pages about emotional abuse; I would also suggest you read this too.

Would seriously consider your own future with this unfeeling and uncaring man who gets what he wants at your emotional expense with no regard for your feelings. He thinks you are irrelevant. I would also argue that he is the main cause or a major cause of your anxiety now.

I'm not sure if it is possible to "fall back in love" I think if I fell out of love in my marriage I would almost certainly leave because I don't do the whole flogging a dead horse thing when I could just have a new one that suited me better.

However I work hard on my marriage with DH, we have ups and downs, we work together always and even when we are really cross with each other we love each other. If it was a rough patch rather than falling out of love I fight hard for the relationship.

If I had never loved him and the marriage was a bit ill advised then i'd probably make a conscious effort to see if we could be in love rather than throw it away without trying but I don't do going backwards or loveless marriage IYSWIM.

Joint counselling is a non starter in such situations as such men always think they are right. I would seriously consider counselling for yourself and without him present so you can talk in a free environment.

How would you react if someone told you to stop loving your children? That's the thing with love. You can't just switch it on or off, it's either there or it isn't. If you don't love your husband it's because you don't love him. More than that, it doesn't sound like you particularly like him - and from the pencil sketch it's not difficult to understand why. Even if you could wave a magic wand and suddenly rediscover the crush that first got you together, he wouldn't have changed in the slightest. You'd just have reverted to your old doormat status.

Stop wasting your time trying to rekindle an emotion that was never there. Separation, divorce and life as a singleton can be traumatic, it's true, but it can also be liberating and empowering to be independent .... something I think you badly need.

I know in my heart of hearts I can't change him, and the only solution is to leave or just accept how he is and deal with it, but I think Im just trying to confirm to myself it won't work if he isn't willing to accept we both need to change and work at it together. I think I am justifying it to myself that things are not going to change, I didn't fall out of love because he changed, I fell out of love because I realised he walks all over me.

I did think about counselling but was worried it would make me look like the bad guy and the counsellor would say its my fault, even though I know in my head it's not entirely my fault.

I have low self esteem anyway and think everything is my fault and people would look at me badly if I left thinking he had done no wrong if that makes sense?

Don't think you can't change him! if he truly loves you, he will change - but he needs to be shocked into it.
exactly the same thing has just happened to me. I met my wife 7 years ago, we fell madly in love and got marrid 5 years ago. We have two beautiful little girls together.
My wife fell head over heels instantly with me - in fact she always told me about the first night we spent together and she went home to her flat and 'jumped up and down on the bed, throwing her arms in the air with joy'.
Now then, a month ago (tomorrow), she sat me down at 10pm and told me that she loved me to bits, but didn't want to be married to me anymore and ended our realtionship. It's hit me like a ton of bricks.
It made me think a lot about how I behaved during our relationship. In fact, over the course of the past 2 years I gradually pushed her away. We stopped talking. I put on weight and sex became hard work. I made her feel unloved and lonely. All the while I became a reclusive, introverted, selfish man.
Most of this was due to me being unhappy at work - not with my job, I love it, but with my boss. Nothing I ever did was right or good enough etc. (I now own the business, and have done for the past 6 months - and that, i am sure put the final nail in the coffin as far as our relationship goes - because I spent even less time with my wife).
The nature of my job means that I have to travel away for one or two nights every couple of weeks, and at least one or two weeks per year.
I lost sight of who i was becoming, but this relationship termination was like having a heart attack - a real life-changing experience.
I can now see what my wife has been seeing, and who I turned into, and I'm pleased to say that person is now gone - I AM a changed man. But for me, it's too late. I love my wife with all my heart, and today I found a bag in the bin with 7 used condoms in it - she's obviously had a great weekend!
The thing is, she ended our relationship because a super-fit guy at her work was catching her eye. At least she has some morals, and ended it all before she cheated.
I still love her dearly, and I would take her back, even after knowing that she has been at it with a younger, fitter model (I think there is also some form of a mid-life crisis happening here. My wife is 37 next month and she's going out on the town with 22-year-old girls etc). Anyway, I digress.
My wife did try and talk to me about her feelings and my behaviour two or three times in the past couple of years, but I was so deep into my depression that i couldn't see who I had become. I adapted for a week or two, then sank back to my old self. I COULDN'T change, because i couldn't see what i'd become. It was only when my wife ended it all and I discovered why (3 days later) that I had a revelation and realised what had happened - and that's when I grew a pair and changed. I stopped smoking, started exercising etc. And, if we had/ do ever get back together I would make so much more of an effort to talk, to tell her how beautiful she is, to take her out regularly and do fun stuff together, and do more fun stuff as a family with our girls...
If you're fella loves you - truly loves you, then he WILL change, like I have done. Just don't let it get to the point that my relationship got to.
Councelling WILL help. I've been to Relate on my own, and they ask you questions that you never even thought of.
If you can shock your man into thinking he's lost everything, he will change and become more considerate IF HE REALLY DOES LOVE YOU! x

Thanks for that Eversosorry, I hope you can work things out.

I know things can't go on as they are, but I guess I'm scared of talking to him in case he isn't willing to see there is a problem, but at least I know if he won't try that he doesn't feel how he should about me anyway.

"people would look at me badly if I left thinking he had done no wrong if that makes sense?"

'People', unless they happen to be extremely stupid or judgemental, are aware that relationships break up for all kinds of reasons and that what they see in public may not be matched by what goes on in private. You don't have to justify yourself any more than to say 'it didn't work out' but, for what it's worth, being walked all over is a pretty good reason for calling it a day.

You know already how he's going to react if you raise the topic and you also know that, whatever decision you make about the relationship, it's not going to be especially easy or pleasant. However, if your self-esteem is low, ask yourself is that simply your default setting or is it as a result of living with someone that has spent many years crushing your spirit? If you think it's the latter, independence may be the best thing that ever happens to you.

I do think my self esteem has plummeted since I met him, he just doesn't bring out the best in me, I can't believe I have been walked all over for so long and I've let him do it! I should have stood up for myself from the start but it's too late now.

I feel like I've made my bed so I should lie in it, I wouldn't want to change the past because I have 2 lovely children to show for it, I just wish I had been firmer from the start, but i guess I just wanted to be the perfect wife and I've failed miserably.

Is there any counselling other than relate as I know they are quite expensive? I think I would like to go by myself at first so I could get my head around my thoughts and then maybe both of us going he wants to.

Sweetheart, just because you've made a bed it doesn't mean you have to lie in it. That's just an old fashioned phrase which is used to keep people in their place one way or another.

As for councilling, you can go along to your doctors and he can refer you to a councillor on the NHS if you explain how unhappy you are, I don't think they do couples councilling for marital problems though.

" I just wanted to be the perfect wife and I've failed miserably"

The person I currently know who has been married the longest is, not to put too fine a point on it, a total bitch to her husband. 'Perfect wife' she ain't but they're at 55 years and counting.

no, i think it'd be fear of the future if you tried to go back.

sunny: there is a very good book called 'enough about you, what about me? It spells out the strategies for dealing with narcissists. You really have to let go of any expectations, and develop your own sense of self.

Otherwise, exactly what Attila says. I too made this mistake: I agree with him he was wonderful and set out to live my life through him.

Picking up the pieces 20 years down the line. It's hard.

Littlemiss- I am guessing that if/when you split your DH will want back but that it might be too late. Looks to me that he is taking you for granted ...it is possible that he does love you but that he operates in this way cos you let him - don't mean to sound harsh but you know what i mean?

Eversosorry - we can all learn from your experience. So sorry and hope that you find some solutions and peace.

CogitoErgoSometimes - yes, my DW has become a lot tougher with me over the years and I have to work alot harder to please her compared to early years

I have just had a look at what a narcissist is and it does sound very much like him, and it does make a lot of sense.

But then I wonder if he is just walking all over me because I let him?

If he is a narcissist I'm guessing he might try and change initially to please me but it won't last. When I have asked him to change things in the past he does it for a short time but soon reverts back!

I guess I need to be honest with him about what needs to change and then I can work out if he is a narcissist but from what I have read I suspect he is, it just made so much sense, especially about the mood swings where he is either really happy or moody.

The depressing thing is if he is a narcissist he is never going to change!

Whether he's a narcissist or not, he's probably never going to change. Adult personality is pretty fixed by late twenties - early thirties. When interacting with others, the patterns are set up quite early on in the relationship. After 20 years, walking all over you is the default setting. Ingrained habits are permanent unless there is monumental & sustained effort and some serious motivation to change. He has no motivation to change because a) he has a nice life doing as he pleases and b) you are conveniently taking the blame for his crappy behaviour on yourself anyway.

Be as honest as you like with him about what needs to change but you'll get the same response i.e. a temporary improvement followed by a reversion to tupe. What might work is a direct threat. If the consequence of him not changing is something that has the potential to seriously spoil his life, you might get somewhere.

I guessthe only thing left to do is say if things don't change then that's it for us.

I think he does need a shock, and I just need to have the guts to carry through with it.

It's something I have thought about for a long time, but things aren't going to change unless I do something.

All I want is to have a loving relationship that has a positive effect on the children, so that when they are older they know what a healthy happy relationship is as I don't want then to think this is the norm.

I know it won't be easy for them and they are going to look badly on me at first but I think when they are older they can understand why I did it.

I just wish I was a more confident person. I have known for a while in my heart what I need to do, I just can't seem to carry it through .

Ultimatums are always risky things. You make it a straight either/or and you have to be fully prepared for the worst outcome and be ready to carry it through.

As for children 'looking badly' on you for putting a stop to it... here's my take. My own parents have been in a turbulent marriage for over 50 years. Lovely people individually but, together, they do nothing but snipe, argue and do each other down. My childhood was generally quite happy, but I can't tell you how many times I lay in bed at night feeling like crap, listening to the arguments from downstairs, and wishing it would stop. Even today I don't spend much time with them because it's all so bitter and anxiety provoking. Would I have looked badly on them if they had split up? Possibly. But I certainly look badly on them for carrying on a 50 year private battle and not thinking that there may be consequences.

I know an ultimatum is risky but I don't know what else is going to make him sit up and realise I mean it, and to be honest if he doesn't change I don't want to be with him.

If anyone can suggest any ideas I would be grateful?