Bored of myself being such a knob, please talk some sense to me

[BishopBrennan]

Right, as is traditional, I've name changed, i usually post on more frivolous parts of MN but I need some help to understand what's happened to me, why it's happened and how to stop myself being quite such a knob in the future.
( I fully accept that I've been an idiot, I really do ).

Several years out of a marriage to a man who saw me solely as his housekeeper and nanny, no affection from him, no respect, sex 4 times a year ( that was in a good year, no sexual conatct at all when pregnant, breast feeding and none for the last 3 years of the marriage, with no explanation from him as to why he didn't want me ).

Anyway, ex- boyfriend contacts me, he has 'loved me for the last 20+ years' ( I know this to be true - years prior to renewed contact with me, he'd told this to all his friends, mother etc ). He lives a couple of hours travel from me. God help me but I love the wanker, we laugh, we have everything in common, we 'fit' together, when we are together it's the real partnership I have always longed for. We have been having a relationship for the past few years, well I say having a relationship, he has finished with me at least 4 times now. He has some kind of crisis ( he is very much an anxious, OCD-y, neurotic, introspective type ) and stops having any contact with me, just kills it stone dead. The first time he did it I felt like I was dying, I could honestly feel my heart aching within my chest but then a couple of weeks/months later he pops up again, full of remorse ( I absolutely do NOT contact him ) and swearing his love. Then it repeats months later. His explanation is that he finds the separations ( when i travel back home )from me intolerable and deals with that by finishing with me so he no longer has to deal with the loneliness when I go.

The last time was last month, he'd got in touch, ' I love and miss you' , all the usual outpourings of affection, I spent the weekend with him and then on the Sunday, he told me that the relationship had ' changed ' and he now saw me as just the ' closest friend' ( despite us having frankly excellent sex, initiated by him ). He then went back to his mother's and lay in his bed, moping all week ( his mum told me this, she thinks I'm ' very good for him' and we're ' made for each other' ). I have heard nothing from him since. My sole contact being a simple request for him to send all my possessions that remain in his flat - a large amount of clothes, make up, contact lenses etc to my house ( to which he didn't reply ).

I want to stop loving him, I'm a reasonably intelligent woman, I'm tired of being so stupid with regard to him. I'm weary of it, I don't like dramatic relationships.

Thank you for reading my self indulgent twaddle, please tell me why you think he does it and how to sort myself out.

That's really very interesting Guilty, he has more fucking ishoos than I've made tasteless jokes, last time I saw him I suggested that he might be helped by some counselling. ( I've previously had counselling relating to my marriage, it helped me a lot as I felt guilty, like I'd somehow exaggerated the crapness of the relationship ).

Pollykitten, I consider myself thoroughly slapped.

AF, yes it's pretty much always a joke with me and I always assumed that the men I said it to realised that. Being facetious has always been something I get told off for.

Ahh yes BB I too have more defence mechanisms than the MOD could shake a stick at. We all have a limit maybe sometime soon you will have reached yours, or friends with benefits springs to mind?

Tell him to get thee behind you, get the uniform out and go and strut a stuff somewhere youll be appreciated love ..xx

nah, consign the school uniform to your childhood (which is where it actually belongs)

AF, I have waved it goodbye.

Guilty, I'm just weary of feeling disappointed and let down and a bit pathetic - it's so frigging dull. I couldn't do friends with benefits with him anyway, I'd get all bloody needy and insecure.

I have a supplementary question, if anyone has any guidance to offer. I've been advised by RL friends to cut off contact with Knobby's mum ( a really lovely woman, who I like very much ) - we stay in contact via email, we don't discuss him, do you think I need to distance myself from her too ?

I'd rather not stop talking to her but it's been suggested that she may be keeping in touch in the hope her son and I reconcile - I don't know what to do for the best.

Thats a difficult one, because there is always the thought that she is also keeping you in his mind by feeding back details. Also if he is living at home, you might be her only hope of getting him out?

I might be tempted to say to her to save your sanity or words to that effect that you have enjoyed her friendship but for you to move on you will have to cease contact. You cant do half and half I think, as there is always the temptation on both sides to compare notes on him, ide detatch and give yourself the chance to heal and go forward, hard choice hun but to be honest i feel it's what you might need. x

Oh an can I suggest you go back to your counsellor as she did seem to do you some good last time, I wonder if you have got the saving baby birds complex such as I did.

Thank you, Guilty, no he's not living at home, he's quite emotionally close to her and visits on a regular basis. I doubt that she discusses me with him unless he asks her a direct question. I ask nothing about him, don't mention him at all. I don't want to upset her, she's had enough crap in her life.
If the baby bird complex relates to wanting to help people, yep that's me although I think I probably don't really feel in need of counselling at the moment.

Personally, I would stay in contact with his mum if you really like her, and she is a friend.

But make it clear you will be keeping your personal details to a minimum (for obvious reasons) and you do not want to know anything about him (if you really mean that of course)

Be honest with yourself, if you have even a tiny feeling you will use friendship with her to keep one eye on him, let her go

No, AF, I couldn't bear to hear anything about him, especially if he gets involved with another woman, that would be piling more distress onto the load of pain that he has already caused me.
His mother is a wholly admirable woman and we get on like a house on fire, I think she quite likes me as a person, independent of any connection with her son and I would hate her to feel hurt by anything that I did.

then talk to her, explain how you feel and see what she says ?

perhaps a "cooling off" period between you where you agree to keep only in minimal contact then pick it up in 6 months or so (or longer, if it takes that to get nobber completely out of your system)

there is no reason to lose a friend, necessarily....only if it will not help to stay in touch should automatically jettison her too

should you

Why I think he does it - he is emotionally damaged and can't take the pain of you leaving. Unable to wait and see how it pans out and whethetr you would be good together long term. Immature. I don't care to analyse him any further he sounds like a nob.

You on the other hand, sound like you have wasted your life away raising kids and being ignored, and are ready for a good time.

My advice to you is to forget this man, go and get your own bloody stuff if it comes to it. But forget him. He will come back - no contact at all from you, he will try, you ignore.

And then get out there and date. Sometimes aspects of one man are fab but others, not so much. You have to see the whole.

Keep financially independent, keep your own life and friends, but get out there and have fun with a variety of men. And don't give us the old 'I can't find any men' rubbish, there is always another man.

X

Don't keep his Mum to keep him tho...usually when the man goes, so does his scene....

I had thought of having that kind of conversation with her, AF, I might still do it but I was trying very hard not to be too 'angsty' about it all ( it's angstorama for her with a son like that) - I don't really like that aspect of myself so try not to indulge in it ( and yes, I am here so thank you for putting up with it ).

Something2say, thank you. Yes, he is a knob. I'm writing off my belongings because there's no freaking way I'm going to ask for them again or travelling to collect them. I have started making initial dating forays ( I don't like to think about having wasting my life so far, I kind of know it's true but you know, it's gone ) and I think ( forgive me for this moment of self approval ) that there must be a fair number of blokes who'd like a reasonably intelligent, reasonably attractive, relatively amusing woman (me) so I try to be as positive as I can be when I can't have the future that I really wanted.

The future that you really wanted...at this particular time. Don't fool yourself into thinking your gonna feel this way forever...because you wont. Remember the Mr.Hottie I talked about earlier? He's waiting for ya to find him, and to be honest, judging by your humour, sensitivity and of course...how could we forget;) the school uniform, he will be a lucky man! Just stay strong OP, eyes ahead at a bright future! Someone very wise told me this once and I've never forgotten it." If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got". Ain't that the truth!!!

Cakehappy ( your name's not helping, I've just watched the Great British Bake Off on iplayer and am now bloody starving ) thank you for saying such kind things, I do want Mr Hottie very much, not least because I just haven't had enough hot sex/sex/mild titillation over the years and I feel somewhat shortchanged.

Op. I've been in a similar situation in the past. I marvel at myself now as to how insane it was but at the time I was distraught and confused. Like you I went out with someone who would finish with me because he 'loved me too much' or felt like he'd got too close to me. I would be so upset that the intensity of his love caused him to dump me. Now I realised it was utter bollocks. He didn't love me. He loved himself and was emotionally immature. Keeping me at arms length, limiting communications to suit himself then getting emotional about HIS feelings.
Just think of the bad times, the no contact, the emotional voids. Don't invest another second in this man.

Bishop. The other thing to do is recorrect your own emotional health before you start dating. Of course you will find someone but you have been through the mill with this man and it may have taken a toll even if you don't realise.
Keep close to your friends, flirt in the shops, look your best and excersice. You will be ok.

Thanks Scattylatte, and I'm sorry that you had to deal with the same kind of pillock - he does sound very similar, I kept thinking ' if you love me so much and hate hurting me so much, why don't you just stop hurting me and put your money where your frigging mouth is ?' . I accept now that the person he is most interested in is himself.
I have taken up a bit more exercise again and I'm doing things to make me feel happier in myself. I definitely don't want any kind of serious relationship for some time into the future.

Bishop. Good. You will have moments of rose glass hindsight whereby you will miss him etc. I did. Now I realise I miss the efforts i was putting in rather than him. It was the delusion of the potential relationship based on the fleeting good times that I was hanging onto. Now I know if someone loves you they take the time to consider your feelings, see it from your point of view and make positive happy plans. Love isn't controlling when you communicate with each other, having to ask when you are seeing each other and being disrespected for your feelings.
It might be worth looking at your self esteem and why you hung in there.
I'm starting to look into dating again but nothing serious.
Take care

You take care, too.

I don't really consider myself to have low self esteem, I did after the end of my marriage but that was a result of years of erosion of my self worth in a marriage in which I was relentlessly put down. I continued with Knobby because I thoroughly believed we had a happy future together, obviously that belief was predicated on him not being a giant wanker.