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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So DH will make my life 'hell' if we split up.......

30 replies

HeyNa · 20/08/2012 17:33

I had another thread in AIBU about my holiday from hell (which I am still enduring). I have come to the conclusion that I actually don't have to stay married to the wanker that is my DH. We have 4 DCs and that is the only reason we are still together. In fact 'D'H has tiold me many times that if I had not fallen for DC1, he was going to split from me Hmm.

In the last few months, my eyes had been opened to way he reacts to me. I suffer from anxiety and have been suicidal about it and DH has used this as an excuse to tell me I am weak, pathetic and I need to 'sort myself out'. There are very good reasons why I am anxious (we have had some bad shit happen to us and me before) but he has never been helpful or compassionate about it now I look back. He has actually compounded my low self esteem issues by telling me that I am not attractive as I have put on weight (from a size 8 to a size 18 now but I am very tall) and he would never have married me if he knew I would end up looking like this. I was a 'looker' when we met but unfortunately life events and 6 pregnancies have taken it's toll. He of course never underwent these bodily changes and has managed to keep himself fit as he can find the time to go to the gym (3 hour sessions while I am am home with the DCs).

I have always been 'in charge' of finances and everything else really purely because he is too bloody lazy to deal with anything (he uses the language as an excuse but he has been in the uk for 22 years, speaks it fluently and has always worked). Therefore he has blamed me for every catastrophe we have ever had, mainly financial.

This current holiday has opened my eyes to how little respect he has for me. He never shows affection but will initiate sex and never refuses. He has even had me feeling sorry for him that he has to shag my fat, ugly body. That is low how low my self esteem has sunk.

I am terrified of doing it but I want out. He has said I could never cope without him and he will never be separated from 'his' DCs and he will hound me for the rest of my life. How can I do this? I want to kick him out as soon as we get back home. I was thinking to do it when he's at work the next day. Pack his stuff, change locks, call the police if he starts getting agressive. He will never leave quietly. I want him to see that I am serious and get out. Then we start arranging when he has the DCs when he's off work. I just want him to get out and get his own place but he will not do it without a fight, I know that. He has also said he will not allow me to have a boyfriend round (much further along the line, not something I am even considering at the moment) but I am assuming he would jump at the chance of finding a new wife from his home country (he has hinted as much, she would wait on him, unlike me).

I don't know where to start. Help please?

OP posts:
JsOtherHalf · 20/08/2012 17:38

Are you legally married? Is your home rented or owned?

Have a look on www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx to see what you would be entitled to.

BlackberryIce · 20/08/2012 17:38

Which country is he from? Would he take them back there?

Who owns the house? Do you work?

minmooch · 20/08/2012 17:40

There will be others along who will give you great advice but for a starting point you need to see a solicitor first and get some good legal advise on your situation.

I am not sure you can throw your DH out unless you are scared for either yourself or your children. Someone in the know will clarify.

Well done for getting to this point, knowing what you want to do, you will be a happier person in the long run.

schobe · 20/08/2012 17:42

As soon as you get home, give the DCs' passports to someone you trust or a bank safe deposit box.

Ignore all the threats and stay clear in your intention.

Go and get advice from CAB and a 30 minute free consultation with a solicitor who does divorces. You can't necessarily just ask him to leave and change the locks. There will be people on this board who will come and give you great advice on all the details.

I would do all this very quickly but without hinting anything to him. Get everything in order and then do it and get this shit out of your life (having read your holiday thread too).

Original poster
HeyNa · 20/08/2012 17:43

We are legally married unfortunately. He is from Kosovo. I have already told him that I will take legal action to prevent him taking the DCs out of the UK without my permission. We are all British Citizens, me being a native. House is rented in my name - I was employed back then. I am now self employed and in the process of running my own business. Plans to open a small office next month.

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 20/08/2012 17:46

HeyNa I read your other thread like Shock. I'm sorry it has come to this.

I think your first move, before you even tell him anything is a solicitor. Second move is to hide the kids passports - give them to someone else to keep.

Is the house in your name? If yes, change the locks but I don't believe you can do it if it is in his name/joint names.

Solicitor first and foremost.

Original poster
HeyNa · 20/08/2012 17:46

The difficulty is that he will ignore everything I say, call me a nutter and just carry on. That is why I am thinking to just not let him back in.

OP posts:
schobe · 20/08/2012 17:50

You still need to check your rights first. House may be in your name, but your being married and his having lived there for however many years may give him the right to stay (not an expert). If you go off half-cocked and lock him out, you could end up with the police escorting him back in. Then he would be all the harder to dislodge I would think.

LtEveDallas · 20/08/2012 17:50

If the house is rented in his name then contact your landlord and get his permission before changing the locks. But then do it. I'd also be tempted to file for divorce as quickly as possible, he could be petitioned at the same time.

Good luck my love - get to a solicitor ASP

BlackberryIce · 20/08/2012 17:50

Does he work? Have friends or family locally?

ivykaty44 · 20/08/2012 17:57

Is the house privately rented?

Can you not move to a private rental house with the dc and leave him in the other - or am I being thick, sorry?

PedanticPanda · 20/08/2012 17:57

Go to citizens advice as soon as you get back home.

Bubbless · 20/08/2012 17:58

are you the lady whos stuck in the country in the middle of nowhere with the DC and the assumption your to clean for your keep whilst the men use you as servants?

[hugs]

okay- dont let your DP know anythings wrong, he will make it harder. organise to go to CAB but (sorry, preg brain, cant remember how old your DC are) dont let on to your children what its about.. (me and my brother ended up making it very difficult for my mum by accident :( )
once you know where you stand get all of the stuff out of the house thats important, your passports, birth certs etc
next day follow advice given (assuming if everythings in your name, just boot him out and change the locks)
do not give in to him
if he gets violent call the police
good luck :)

carernotasaint · 20/08/2012 18:01

Hey Na i read your other thread too. I am not surprised that your holiday has brought things to a head. He is a mysogynist of the highest order with no respect for you the mother of his children or women in general. Ive seen this in action too. One half of my family is Italian and the culture there is similar too.

solidgoldbrass · 20/08/2012 18:02

Yes start with some legal advice, and remember that you can get rid of him and he cannot hound you indefinitely. If he is aggressive or repeatedly makes a nuisance of himself court orders can be used to keep him away from you and DC.

Wheresthedamndog · 20/08/2012 18:03

Most important: as others have said, get the kids' passports into a safe place. People will be along soon who know the process. You need proper advice.

garlicnuts · 20/08/2012 18:04

He sounds great Hmm I'm glad the holiday has cleared your mind - it looks as though things have been brewing for a long time. You shouldn't be sharing your life with someone who puts you down and depersonalises you. It's also bad for your kids.

I'm no expert. My non-expert advice would be:-

  1. Hide the passports and marriage certificate, preferably away from your home.
This is so he can't bugger off with the DC in a hissy fit.
  1. Get your business moving with the new office
This is so your life has 'shape' when you split.
  1. Consult with the CAB, solicitor and maybe divorce websites.
This is so you know where you're coming from. Nobody knows about divorce until they have to!
  1. Hide money.
This is so he can't clean the family finances out. If you're fairly sure he'll go back to Kosovo, you may as well forget about maintenance or pensions, etc, and it would be extremely hard to recoup any funds he were to move out of the UK.
  1. Get legal ducks in row.
  1. Tell him and issue your petition.
At this point, he's likely to be very angry so make sure you've got proper support lined up.
  1. Change locks.
YY, it's illegal (unless he becomes violent). It also prevents entitled STBXs rampaging round at will, so worth the hassle of legal compliance if he uses the law.
  1. Complete financial & access arrangements. Divorce.

Good luck :) You need to keep talking with anyone who can help you free yourself efficiently.

Flojo1979 · 20/08/2012 18:05

I know its a huge upheaval but as u r renting could u not move out and find somewhere else to rent and don't tell him the address and just arrange it all and up and leave while he's at work and deal with everything from there?

Original poster
HeyNa · 20/08/2012 18:11

I will find it very hard to rent myself due to income. I only started as self employed in May. Income has been v.v. small as I have not had an office to work from.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyNa · 20/08/2012 18:14

Thanks for the advice so far. I do actually love the bastard but I cannot let myself be treated like this any more Sad. It has been very subtle emotional abuse. I used to think that he was not like his countrymen but he has been in a more subltle way. I have realised I deserve more. The Dcs will hardly notice I expect as he is often gets home after they are in bed and will not do anything with them unless cajoled by me.

OP posts:
OhDearNigel · 20/08/2012 18:19

Make careful plans. Take your time and make sure you get a good lawyer. Do a Katie Holmes and surprise the fucker. try to pretend everything is normal to put him off the scent.

He'll maake your life a living hell ? Isn't he doing that already ??

HorraceTheOtter · 20/08/2012 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 20/08/2012 19:21

I had the exact same line from my ex-h.

He didn't.

I did pretty much everything garlic says above: got a lawyer, stashed money, changed the locks. The crucial thing I did in addition was to cut all contact with him , so that I could not be swayed by pleading/threats once I had informed him it was over. This helped tremendously, as I was at my lowest ebb and doing the most difficult thing I had ever done, and like you I loved the bastard and was conditioned to respond to his manipulation.

I also called the police to tell him to shove off when he wouldn't leave my front door. I believe that also helped, as like all bullies he is a coward at heart, and was cowed by a force greater than himself. So don't hesitate to inform your local police station that you are about to split up with an abusive man, before you do so. My local police station even sent round a patrol car at the time and place I told him it was over (I didn't know that they would do that; was glad of it. The police know that the moment of leaving is the most dangerous one for a woman in an abusive relationship).

delilahlilah · 20/08/2012 19:35

You will be able to get assistance with your rent while you are on a low income. Don't worry about that. Try the MSE website for legal information, but you should be able to throw him out because the house is a rental in your name - they will know for certain on those advice boards though. You can speak to citizen's advice on there as well.
He is making your life hell now, it can only be better without him. My ex had all sorts of threats, he tried all sorts of antics but gave up fairly quickly. Once you do kick him out, you need to avoid speaking to him other than in writing and keep a diary of absolutely everything he says and does. Every phone call (don't answer though), every text, email, visit etc as the police can use this should you need a restraining order. Don't give him a whiff of it until he is out though - if he finds out while still in the house it will be harder. If you are afraid, speaking to the police is essential. Good luck OP, sounds like you and your children will be far happier without him.

balotelli · 20/08/2012 20:24

You do deserve so much more.

You are obviously a bright strong woman who is running her own business.

As long as you keep hold of the DCs passports then taking the DC out of the country is really difficult.

There is all sorts of Government help for people starting up new ventures and you will def qualify as single parent etc etc.

Good luck You CAN do it.