So DH will make my life 'hell' if we split up.......

[HeyNa]

I had another thread in AIBU about my holiday from hell (which I am still enduring). I have come to the conclusion that I actually don't have to stay married to the wanker that is my DH. We have 4 DCs and that is the only reason we are still together. In fact 'D'H has tiold me many times that if I had not fallen for DC1, he was going to split from me .

In the last few months, my eyes had been opened to way he reacts to me. I suffer from anxiety and have been suicidal about it and DH has used this as an excuse to tell me I am weak, pathetic and I need to 'sort myself out'. There are very good reasons why I am anxious (we have had some bad shit happen to us and me before) but he has never been helpful or compassionate about it now I look back. He has actually compounded my low self esteem issues by telling me that I am not attractive as I have put on weight (from a size 8 to a size 18 now but I am very tall) and he would never have married me if he knew I would end up looking like this. I was a 'looker' when we met but unfortunately life events and 6 pregnancies have taken it's toll. He of course never underwent these bodily changes and has managed to keep himself fit as he can find the time to go to the gym (3 hour sessions while I am am home with the DCs).

I have always been 'in charge' of finances and everything else really purely because he is too bloody lazy to deal with anything (he uses the language as an excuse but he has been in the uk for 22 years, speaks it fluently and has always worked). Therefore he has blamed me for every catastrophe we have ever had, mainly financial.

This current holiday has opened my eyes to how little respect he has for me. He never shows affection but will initiate sex and never refuses. He has even had me feeling sorry for him that he has to shag my fat, ugly body. That is low how low my self esteem has sunk.

I am terrified of doing it but I want out. He has said I could never cope without him and he will never be separated from 'his' DCs and he will hound me for the rest of my life. How can I do this? I want to kick him out as soon as we get back home. I was thinking to do it when he's at work the next day. Pack his stuff, change locks, call the police if he starts getting agressive. He will never leave quietly. I want him to see that I am serious and get out. Then we start arranging when he has the DCs when he's off work. I just want him to get out and get his own place but he will not do it without a fight, I know that. He has also said he will not allow me to have a boyfriend round (much further along the line, not something I am even considering at the moment) but I am assuming he would jump at the chance of finding a new wife from his home country (he has hinted as much, she would wait on him, unlike me).

I don't know where to start. Help please?

legally you cannot change the locks, and i am always at anyone who advises this.

The most important thing to do here is to ensure that he has no legal ground against you, because the instant you start going against the law you give him leverage. He can obtain a court order to ensure he is given access back into the house. Do you have somewhere you could go and stay with the children rather than have to physically throw him out?

In my case, wannabe, it was the police themselves who advised me to change the locks. They told me that legally I couldn't, but given the domestic abuse circs (which I logged with them), no court in the land would follow up on any complaint by ex-H about it.

You do have a legal right to ask him to leave and you can obtain a court order if necessary. I would strongly advise you to a) remove all important documents / passports / bank details to a trusted friend or relative and then take legal advice. Remember to document everything he says and does that can be construed as threatening. Make sure he does not know this.
Get legal advice, you can usually get a free 30 minute consultation to start you off. Citizen's advice and possibly your local housing association should be able to help too.

HeyNa I have been lurking on your other thread with a face like this

If I have it correct, your a renting a property in your name only (meaning it is your name only on the contract, not his) - in this case I think (though I am happy to be corrected if this is wrong) that you can change the locks (with your landlord's permission - you could mention you are concerned that your STBXH might damage the property and you'll get keys cut at your own cost and give the landlord a set of the new keys immediately - I think most landlords would be okay with this).

Before you even do that, I would recommend you seek legal advice - you may not like the first solicitor you see - many offer a free first half hour, so meet with a few.

Definitely leave your kids passports with a trusted person and make sure you have copies of all documents in a safe place (including his wage slips) - preferably out of the house.

Set up a bank account in your own name (if you haven't got a separate bank account already) and make sure you have some money in it - he might decide to clean out your joint account when you tell him to leave.

Others have mentioned the CAB and the entitledto website - definitely check out what benefits you would be entitled to.

Good luck! and well done for working out he's a bit of an arsehole for treating you the way he has on this "holiday"

Oh, and keep playing happy until you have all the wheels in motion (solicitor instructed etc).