Need advice on how to tell MIL from hell to back off

[OliveandJim]

I've posted a few times about my in laws from hell and greatly appreciated the comments and advice given by those who read my posts. This is the situation to date, we fell out with MIL and FIL when they came to visit after DS was born, this is now a year and a half ago. It siralled out of control and I fell out with SIL too (as she took sides and it wasn't ours).
DP and MIL don't get on since decades but the disagreement from 1.5 years ago was attributed to me, (in so far as I'm the wicked one who tries to sabotage the family unit of the inlaws) when MIL has nothing kind to say to us. We're useless parents when we don't leave our newborn baby cry, we have the wrong sentiment towards our child, I'm unduly concerned and to top it all DP and I have an endless list of faults each which MIL can't get over (he's presumably too proud, too negative and too conflictual to be a good father and I dared to disagree with her and I'm foreign to top it all).
DS has not seen the in laws since that argument and MIL keeps on writing letters to DPs' office (so that I don't see her posts) that send him into depression. He doesn't want me to read her letters because he knows I will get upset and retort back but then spends the week end numbing himself to stop the pain.
I feel that I'm left between a rock and a hardplace. I too apparently fuel the issue but then DP mentioned this morning, why can't you call MIL and work out your issues. That left me stunt as I thought the issue was between him and MIL not getting on, him not feeling loved (or wnated) her incapacity to understand us and her intolerance of anyone disagreeing with her. To be honnest i think MIL has lost grasp of reality so talking to her is a wasted effort. We aske dher to ackowledge she had said unkind things to us but she continues not to see where she's gone wrong and pretends there's nothing to apologise about. In my book, someone who is not even aware they are hurting others has got mental issues.
So my question is this, how can we stop the bleeding? DS doens't see much family with my parents being in France, so I feel sorry for him not to have any relationship with the in laws or DP's sister who's got 4 kids, but every time the wretched witch sends another missive it sends DP into depression. I had enough of the cow sabotaging our happiness, I can't seem to block her out. We forget about it for a couple of weeks and she sends another of her letters. I don't even know what she wants as all she does is repeat our faults as parents and human beings...
How can I get out of this and help DP not feel so sad? How can we move on? I have the feleign we're misisng out on our baby's early life by being so infested with the in laws....Please help!

What a horrible situation. I think your DP should stop opening the letters from his mother- he presumably recognises her writing. I would put the letter in a bigger envelope and post back to her saying that he has had enough of these letters and will not read in future. He should do this every time.
Then I would maybe try to resurrect the relationship with his sister and remain out of touch with MIL. it does sound very sad.

Thanks Casmama. I guess he keeps opening them becuas ehe hopes she will see the light.
Come on MNters any further advice??

It's shit, isn't it?

My DH has serious family issues. No contact with SIL and now MIL has died FIL (who is bizarrely over-attached to SIL, his golden child) cannot be bothered with DH. He has never met our second DC, whose name he can't even remember, has stopped calling DH, who can't easily call him for various reasons, inc FIL being overseas.

Periodically this really gets on top of DH. I have now told DH after a bad few weeks that I think he is depressed and I want him to go to counselling and sort all this out. I told him I cannot face another period like the year after we married when he was having problems with SIL and was hell to be with. I pointed out losing a parent like this is so big, it is not surprising he cannot manage to deal with it alone. Fortunately DH has agreed to do this.

You can't tell your DH what to do where his mother is concerned, but you can surely point out to him the impact on you and your DS and ask him to consider that. It seems fairly obvious he shouldn't bother opening the letters, and I wonder why he does. Given what she is like and has always been like it is awful for him to (impliedly) blame you for the estrangement and I would be very very firmly denying that if I were you.

Does he have a secretary at work or does the mail come through a reception/sorting office?

No need to discuss but show them the writing the type of envelope etc & ask them to return to sender. Should be easy enough to spot unless he gets loads of personal letters at work.

His mother is toxic & detrimental to the health of both himself & the marriage.

He should put the problems firmly back at here door & concentrate on his own family. (easier said than done I know)

Thanks so much Eldritch. Funnily enough his SIL is the golden child too in his family and can't ever do wrong. I guess DP yearns for his mother's love and in a childish way he can't accept he won't get it. She used to be a counsellor for the NHS so I'm flabbergasted at her lack of insight and also that she thinks her behaviour is "normal".
I can't get DP to help himself and he's now using drugs to numb himself which will either get him a heart attack (we're no spring chickens any longer) or another serious health issue. He knows he should stop, but he can't. 20 years of addiction ar ehard to break, but I was hoping he'd slow down...
To be honnest, I also can't believe they all find MIL's behaviour acceptable, I would have thought someone in that highly educated family, FIL is a OBE for Christ sake, would try to reason the woman, but apparnelty it's my behaviour for finder hers unacceptable that is wrong. Go figure!

No, she won't see the light. There are some people who can only see the dark.
Tell your dp that none of this is your fault and that he should drop the letters straight in the bin.
in an ideal world, she would be the one to apologise and sort things out but she's not capable of that.

Sorry, my typoes are horrendous

They will never see it, any of them. I suspect for each of them (ok, I'm extrapolating from my experience wildly, but what the hell) their whole being is tied up in not recognising their dysfunction for what it is but persisting in their various delusions prejudices, whatever.

My PIL were astonishing where SIL was concerned. They would recount the most appalling behaviour from her at work or in personal relationships and shake their heads sadly that she was being victimised again and wasn't it awful etc.

They sat in my house after DS was born and told me in front of DH (their second child) that second children were always awful and a mistake and I must never have another, having a second was terrible. This belief was so ingrained they had ceased to see it as a very hurtful thing to say to their second child-it was just truth. If DH ever stuck up for himself he got told he was moody and difficult and spoiled family life.

For you, maybe leave the family stuff for now and concentrate on the drugs issue. Frankly, if he won't stop or has serious addiction problems leaving may be your only solution. Sympathy for your DH and all that, but you can't subject your child to living with a depressed, angry adult out of compassion for childhood issues he won't face. That just perpetuates a cycle of unhappiness.

Sorry, meant to say depressed, angry and addicted adult.

DP was also told he is moody, difficult and spoils family life. Where do these people come from? How can anyone think this is acceptable behaviour? (and then work for the NHS as a counsellor, I feel sorry for the poor girls who had to deal with her).
I can't leave DP because he has an addiction problem, how is that going to help him/ us? And as depressed as he is, he is great with DS and hides very effectively how sad he is, he's always warm and affectionate. He's only a bit crap at being alone with DS and leaves me to do the donkey work like being up early with DS and scoot to the park. I could do with a lie in once in while, it's been a year and a half after all...

And thank you very much chipmonkey and bossybritches. I've now learned through this site that MIL is toxic, just don't know how to deal with a toxic person as you can't reasnn with her....

So difficult I know. Could you persuade him to have some general counselling for his depression. Take the focus off it being about his Mum, make it about generally helping HIM, giving him coping strategies & building up his self esteem.

Would you be able to discuss that with him?

in my experience you can't deal with them so don't deal with them.
MIL is classic , right down to her "golden child" SIL who can do no wrong. FIL the same but in his case BIL is the golden child. dh and his other sister an brother count for nothing.
I never invite them here and encourage dh not to visit. He is always sorry when he does visit but still goes down every fortnight.

your dp is a drug addict
you can not have a relationship with drug addict the drug is their only love

why he is a addict is his stuff
he need to sort it but he wont as he is drug addict

having a drug addict for a father is not a good thing as he can love anything else only his drug

Why are you still there?
Why are you harming your daughter ?
You are doing to your child what you think your mIL did your DP ?

Your H's problems are his own to solve - both his addiction, and his relationship with his mother.

This book is for you, though: toxic in-laws.

If he is reading her toxic letters, still hoping for her love and approval, and telling you that you should solve your issues with her, he is still waaay too enmeshed in her dysfunction, and what's worse displacing the issue he is unwilling to solve onto you. Unfairly.

Your mil sounds like mine. She likes a poisonous letter too. Your mil sounds like she is a narc. (narcisstic personality disorder.) look it up in google as well as scapegoating which is a narc trait and I think you will find a detailed description of mil. Sorry to say this but there isn't anything you can do with this personality apart from get the hell out. They do not listen to reason and are generally very unpleasant. Show your husband your research and get him help. As for the letters just get him to return to sender.

I know what you mean about family but it's better for ds to be in a healthy environment with less family than in a toxic one. You have my sympathy as I have been there and that woman has sent me into therapy!

God this situation sounds awful

Longjane, your post is not particularly helpful and I don't recognise DP at all in what you're saying sorry. He does love DS immensely and would bleed himself dry for him so do not generalise please. DP is in a good job, he comes home every evening as early as possible to give DS his bath and put him to bed, he is full of cuddles for DS and somewhere seeing DS receive the love he gets from me, soothes the hurt child in him. He's very protective and doesn't drink alcohol (at all), never goes out and hides as best he can his issues with his dysfuncftional family or any stress at work, so please do not judge what you don't know. Yes he has an issue with drugs but it's my help he needs, not me abandoning him. and my "poor child" doesn't suffer from it, actually my child is not aware at all and is shielded, protected from it.

To all others, your comments are much appreciated. DP does not want to go to counselling, he says he has neither the inclination, nor the motivation to see someone and doesn't think it would help anyway. He's incredibly head-strong, (we know where DS get's his determination from) and is extremely clever so I've given up trying to persuade him to get help. He also says it's his family, as dysfunctonal as they are, he loves them and doesn't want to lose them. He often asks how I would feel if he asked me not to see my family. I have to agree that I'd find it wrong. He will keep on opening these letters as he can't stop hoping MIL will finally show kindness. I've told her what I think of her, and that I think her behaviour in the last year and a half has been completely unacceptable. I also told her that as long as she's not aware of the harm she causes others she won't be allowed close to DS.
My shrink said sometihng quite clever, he said all families need a scape goat, so I also told them I was happy to be their scape goat a someone had to be.

I'd rather now concentrate on getting DP to slow down the numbing with a view to be able to stop it but i know it will be a long process, you can't stop 20 years of habit immediatly. But having DS helped him a lot in discovering the love he had locked inside himself and hopefully with his growing relationship with DS he will learn to get th elvoe he needs from his new family! We do love him to bits

To be honnets I am surprised that the first advice given on this site is usually to leave the b*stard.... Surely issues can be worked out. Leaving someone is not always the best solution.

Difficult one this what does your dh want? What does he want his relationship to be with his mother? How was it before you came along? How is her relationship with other people?

(not expecting you to tell me obv.)

My MIL has always been a problem in our marriage, we have a very unhappy solution now, I have refused to see her or have her in my house, she talks to dh as if nothing has happened, apparently my FIL is waiting for me to apologise and can hardly speak to my husband, I don't think my husband has seen his parents in 18 months (occ. He works in their town so I can't remember)my husband has to my mind done what his parents 'want' and it has severely affected our relationship i could go on.

I think he has to decide what he wants and then what he can expect at what cost and you have to do the same then take it from there.

Fwiw I am a lot happier with no contact (whilst being miserable in almost every other aspect of my life) my husband is just miserable!

Good luck

Southwest, thanks for your post. DP's relationship has been pretty bad since 3 decades with his mum as far as I know. His friends (before DC) thought he was emotionally retarded if you pardon the punt and he is not physical at all because I think he's never been hugged (or very little) or kissed or shown any affection at all by his parents.
He told his mum that he hasn't felt loved or wanted in a long time and stated, it was probably his fault for being so hard to love. But he has also told her that everybody is not as cold as her so he does recognise that she is particularly cold (but not to SIL or her kids only to DP). I'm not sure what he wants his relationship with her to be. In a argument about her earlier this week I said she was probably insane and that really hurt him he said. The truth is though that I truely believe she is. How can a mother repeatedly hurt her son and think this is completely normal and a sign of love. She has repeated thta all she's done was to try and help us. How can telling your son you think he's an awful person be helpful?

What delighted me is that he fell completely in love with DS and I think that has healed his heart a little.

DP is a miserable sod in so far that he revels in his own sadness. He is probably depressed but doesn't want to help himself. I think he's been depressed all his life and doesn't know any different. He has a very good sense of humour though and is extremely quick witted! So it's not all bleak.
I just would like him to be able to defend himself against the witch MIL and be a bit more realistic, he's waiting for something that is never going to happen, unless she has therapy herself.

So you are the scape goat of your inlaws too then... I think the no contact route is the wisest advice I've received to date.

DP is a miserable sod in so far that he revels in his own sadness. He is probably depressed but doesn't want to help himself

Don't help him to the point of indulging that. He needs to be kind to you and your DS, restrain himself from taking things out on you and work to get well (it doesn't happen without effort). It is actually in his interest to have boundaries from you, and to live up to his responsibilities. Those are key aspects of any functional relationship.

Depression is NOT a licence ever to treat those you love poorly (I speak as someone who had it very badly). Not saying he does necessarily treat you badly, but it does seem from your posts that you are bearing the brunt of it and carrying your DH. That's not really sustainable long-term, and bloody miserable for you anyway.

Thanks Eldritch, sorry to hear you had it very badly. I do see what you are referring to and agree with you, depression is not a licence to treat others badly.
I'm not partuclarly good at helping DP though, for example he coughs since months and it is getting worse, every time I say, [please go to the GP to check it out he retorts that the more I ask the less likely he is to do it. So I point out that reacting as a 6 year old is not going to help, but week slater nothing has happened.
We seem to be winding up eahc other rather than listening to each others but you ar eright it is tiring to try to maintain a good natured, warm household when one of the parties snaps at everytihng that is said and just revels in his own misery. but I can't change him. I knew he wa slike that beofre i had DC....

Another one here with a mil from hell, when dd was born (2.6 years ago) she turned into a total maniac and lost all control of her precious first born son this of course was all my fault, i wanted to parent my way, feed my way and dh had his own ideas too she didn't like that we didn't want or even need her opinions she turned vile on me and then of course became the victim.

We have had good and bad parts in our relationship, every opportunity she has had to try turn dh against me she has tried, we split up last year following my horrendous untreated depression and awful issues she turned up at our home whilst dh was staying with his aunt to tell me she and her son were going to be bringing my dd up. of course when we resolved our issues and went to relate dh made one last attempt of having her in our lives and she sat and lied to his face about what she had said to me.

Every now and again she will send a text to dh expressing her love for him and dd, we are expecting another child so her texts will become more regular.

Sorry i have sidelined from your thread, i will get to the point.

I have once got to boiling point and confronted her, unfortunately it back fired and despite everything she's done i looked the nasty one, it did involve a lot of shouting. i gained nothing but confirmed i have a temper when pushed this resulted in a text to dh 3 days before our wedding telling him he is making a mistake.

I have now stopped trying to make dh mend things, stopped trying to influence him and i take his decision and support it fully, i think you should do this also.

Try and support your dh as much as possible, you do however need to be focusing on him getting off these drugs
whether a child knows about them or not it is not appropriate for a child to be any where near a drug user.

Got your dh to focus on something else, a goal i.e get off drugs, spend. day a week with ds (drug free). if he realises he has everything he needs with you he may be willing to let go of what is toxic in his life.

Ok so if he won't seek counselling for himself would he seek it for YOU & DS??

Ask him to come to couples counselling for YOU, to help YOU support him & be positive in supporting him with his family.

He has to meet you halfway, there are 2 of you in the marriage & he needs to deal with this for your future & to help DS break the run of bad parenting in his family.