Need advice on how to tell MIL from hell to back off

[OliveandJim]

I've posted a few times about my in laws from hell and greatly appreciated the comments and advice given by those who read my posts. This is the situation to date, we fell out with MIL and FIL when they came to visit after DS was born, this is now a year and a half ago. It siralled out of control and I fell out with SIL too (as she took sides and it wasn't ours).
DP and MIL don't get on since decades but the disagreement from 1.5 years ago was attributed to me, (in so far as I'm the wicked one who tries to sabotage the family unit of the inlaws) when MIL has nothing kind to say to us. We're useless parents when we don't leave our newborn baby cry, we have the wrong sentiment towards our child, I'm unduly concerned and to top it all DP and I have an endless list of faults each which MIL can't get over (he's presumably too proud, too negative and too conflictual to be a good father and I dared to disagree with her and I'm foreign to top it all).
DS has not seen the in laws since that argument and MIL keeps on writing letters to DPs' office (so that I don't see her posts) that send him into depression. He doesn't want me to read her letters because he knows I will get upset and retort back but then spends the week end numbing himself to stop the pain.
I feel that I'm left between a rock and a hardplace. I too apparently fuel the issue but then DP mentioned this morning, why can't you call MIL and work out your issues. That left me stunt as I thought the issue was between him and MIL not getting on, him not feeling loved (or wnated) her incapacity to understand us and her intolerance of anyone disagreeing with her. To be honnest i think MIL has lost grasp of reality so talking to her is a wasted effort. We aske dher to ackowledge she had said unkind things to us but she continues not to see where she's gone wrong and pretends there's nothing to apologise about. In my book, someone who is not even aware they are hurting others has got mental issues.
So my question is this, how can we stop the bleeding? DS doens't see much family with my parents being in France, so I feel sorry for him not to have any relationship with the in laws or DP's sister who's got 4 kids, but every time the wretched witch sends another missive it sends DP into depression. I had enough of the cow sabotaging our happiness, I can't seem to block her out. We forget about it for a couple of weeks and she sends another of her letters. I don't even know what she wants as all she does is repeat our faults as parents and human beings...
How can I get out of this and help DP not feel so sad? How can we move on? I have the feleign we're misisng out on our baby's early life by being so infested with the in laws....Please help!

How difficult for both of you. The problem is that your DP can only reach acceptance of what his family is like when he is ready to. At the moment, it doesn't sound as though he is ready for yet.

My mother is not a particularly kind person, I had a fairly crap childhood courtesy of her. However, I continued to try for years and years to forge a better relationship with her. It was only really when I got into my 40s that I realised and accepted that she was never going to change. Now my contact with her is minimal, which upsets me as I would like to see more of my Dad, but that is the way it has to be for me to protect myself. I have never tried to prevent our children from seeing her, yet since she has shown her true colours to them once they became older, they don't have any desire to see lots of her either.

I would advise you to try to take a more neutral stance on this, if you can. It sounds as though now she is causing as much trouble between you both with the minimal contact you have, as she probably did when you saw her more frequently. So maybe you need to let her back into your lives a little, bit back some of your retorts to her comments and try to laugh them off instead, and see how that goes for your husband? Also, try to limit the negative stuff you say about her to him, since he obviously is not ready to hear that yet. Calling her insane is going to upset him if he is not yet at that 'acceptance of what she is' stage. She may or may not have some sort of personality or behaviour disorder. You could try googling narcissistic personality disorder - some of those traits may fit her, although even if they do, that knowledge is not necessarily something your DP is ready for yet. Also look up FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - for a better understanding of his feelings.

Skinny / Agatha, I felt very touched by what you shared and do recognise a lot of as being the truth, wise advice. Thanks Bossy too, all valid points.

I'll look up FOG, I know he's not ready to deal or accept that his relationship with his mum is dysfunctional, but he is 42 so should slowly be mature enough to start the healing process. The fact that he knows what I think of her is not helping but it's out there so it's too late to take it back. I guess I'll have to pretend she doesn't exist as it's the only way I can handle her. Maybe it's the culture clash but I can't stand hypocrisy and his family are either all delusional or we see the world trhough very different eyes but I can't get over how unacceptable her behaviour is. I also find it unfair that she is capable of showering DN with love but can't do so with her own son.

I can appreciate how frustrating it must be for you to watch her unfair treatment of your DP. I would really urge caution over how you discuss it with him though, and suggest that you try to support him to have some contact with them/her, if that is what he wants to try. Over the years, my DH has been a kind of buffer against my mothers behaviour towards me, we've laughed at her outrageous comments, he's been there when I've been upset etc, etc. It has helped me to cope with her. I think otherwise, I would have felt very lonely in trying to deal with her.

Hi Olive,

Re your earlier comment:-

"DP does not want to go to counselling, he says he has neither the inclination, nor the motivation to see someone and doesn't think it would help anyway. He's incredibly head-strong, (we know where DS get's his determination from) and is extremely clever so I've given up trying to persuade him to get help. He also says it's his family, as dysfunctonal as they are, he loves them and doesn't want to lose them. He often asks how I would feel if he asked me not to see my family. I have to agree that I'd find it wrong. He will keep on opening these letters as he can't stop hoping MIL will finally show kindness. I've told her what I think of her, and that I think her behaviour in the last year and a half has been completely unacceptable. I also told her that as long as she's not aware of the harm she causes others she won't be allowed close to DS".

Your man is afraid but counselling of the right sort could well help him. He has to take that risk. He cannot go on as he is by self medicating his problems with his mother because it is harming him by doing so and is doing your relationship further harm. Your partner's mother is certainly toxic and may well also have some type of personality disorder. Unfortunately your man subconsciously still wants his mother's approval and will always seek to get this even though it will never be freely given. If family are truly toxic as his are it is not wrong to want to stop seeing them and cutting them off; having them in his life is harming him a great deal. Using drugs to ease his emotional suffering will not help him either but he has to realise that for his own self. You are wise to protect your DS from such toxic influences; this woman would start on him soon enough to get back at the two of you for your supposed transgressions.

"My shrink said sometihng quite clever, he said all families need a scape goat, so I also told them I was happy to be their scape goat a someone had to be".

No he was dead wrong there and besides which no-one least of all you should accept such a role. Only dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy families need a scapegoat for their inherent ills, emotionally healthy families do not have any need for such roles.

At the moment your man is certainly playing out a role that was assigned for him by his dysfunctional family. Ultimately you cannot help your man, trying to do so will only further suck you in. Enabling him or being codependent are both unhealthy states. You can only protect your own self and your child from his abusive mother.

You may also want to look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

The previous poster gives good advice. Your dh must cut her out of his life and return all letters unopened back to her. The fact he wants a relationship with her even though she is so toxic sows just how much he would benefit from health.
You are right not to expose your child to her toxic behaviour.

olive i too cannot get over how cruel / awfully self centered my mil is either, however something which you need to do is keep the thoughts and opinions to yourself, I've learnt very quickly that if i make my voice heard about her it makes me just as bad.

You need to contain those feelings as negatives will rub off on your dh, my dh gets even more worked up if i tell him what i think and this upsets him more.

For example; if she sends him a text immediately i am thinking what the f does she want now, what i actually say is 'how do you feel about it?' because in the back of my mind one day i may have to sit round the dinner table with her again.

as wives our role is to support our husbands (god that sounds so 60's) harsh words can always back fire. try not to mention her or place any demands on him regarding his mother.

Defiantly get the addiction sorted, if you can sort out some couples counselling at relate you may be very surprised how your dh reacts to it.

My dh blamed me for a lot of problems in our relationship, however going to relate and tracing back the steps of his mother childhood made him see actually lot of it was him/his mother he even cried at one session. relate saved us, were now a year on married with dc number 2 coming.

Im just waffling now, focus on your unit the people under your roof and noone else.

I agree with Atilla.

Your DP HAS to take this into counselling, or at the very least read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (is it?)

He can't fix it by himself, he needs the big guns to help him though this, and that is talking therapy. I'm 44, I realised LAST YEAR that I was the scapegoat, my whole life has unravelled before my eyes. Your DP situation is so much more severe, but this means the importance of him taking back his life which includes kicking the drugs, no matter what - is even MORE pronounced.

You and your DP are on the same side, that is a HUGE bonus, so help him, let him help you to help him to a more heathy life both physically and psychologically.

Thanks ladies, perhaps DP is so dead against counselling because MIL is a counsellor for the NHS.... but there is no hope at present.

I'm thinking of using DS to try and get to him that he's wasting his time with MIL and drugs. DP is a bit shy of spending time alone with DS but I think that's exactly what he needs. Every time DS hugs or kisses him he seems to glow and becoming DS's favourite person in the whole universe might be the motivation he needs to help himself. No point me trying to reason with him, he's a lawyer and talks me over every time.