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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else thinks their partner doesn't help out very much?

31 replies

Chelc100 · 20/08/2012 09:45

I have been with my partner for nearly 4yrs and we have a 2yr old daughter. When she was first born I suffered from PND and my partner was supportive and helped me through it. Now I seemed to have recovered from it and he does fuck all around the house unless I keep on at him. He doesn't get up by himself unless I physically wake him up, he won't get up with our daughter, he sits on the PS3 all night into the early hours of the morning, he is unemployed and I gave up working - so he could and he hasn't bothered his backside!
Is there anyone else in a similar situation? I've given him ultimatum after ultimatum and we've argued and he said he would change and hasn't bothered!
Can anyone offer advice?

OP posts:

stargirl1701 · 20/08/2012 09:51

If he wants to behave like that it's not your responsibility to change him. But, stop doing things for him. No cooking, no laundry, etc. He wants to live a single guy in his 20s. Let him. He sounds pretty immature. I would leave.

FermezLaBouche · 20/08/2012 09:54

If you give him ultimatums but don't follow them through he will know you don't mean them!
Is he making any effort to seek employment?
What kind of accommodation are you in and whose name is it all in?
x

Original poster

Chelc100 · 20/08/2012 09:58

He is on some stupid course at the moment which is a day, once a month. He's not trying very hard! We both live in an upstairs flat and both our names are on the tenancy agreement. I love him so much but I can't cope anymore - it's a constant battle!

OP posts:

OhDearNigel · 20/08/2012 09:58

He doesn't pull his weight in the house, he doesn't sound as if he is much of a partner, doesn't support you financially. What exactly does he bring to the table that you couldn't live without ?

As you're both unemployed presumably you live on benefits so kicking him into touch would have no effect on your standard of living ?

rainbowinthesky · 20/08/2012 10:00

if I were you I would either retrain or get a job. Long term you may well be on your own so need to make moves to be independent and able to support yourself and your dd.

rainbowinthesky · 20/08/2012 10:01

He's not a partner. This is no partnership.

SugarBatty · 20/08/2012 10:01

Does he smoke weed/drink other drugs at all? Why is he not working, did he work before? How old are you both?

Come up with a rota for housework and take it in turns to get up with dd. Encourage him to come to bed early and turn off the ps3 or watch a film together instead. My dp has a ps3 and it does my head in sometimes as when he gets a new game he gets a bit addicted. I told him I would sell it while he was at work if he didn't reign it in a bit! To be honest I prefer he goes on it when iv gone bed as its not then interfering with family time. He still gets up the next day though on his weekend morning to get up with dcs.

Do you think he is happy in the relationship? Does he have any other problems which could be making him like this or is he just a lazy arse? If its the latter maybe you should give him one last chance to change and if he doesn't suggest you live apart for a while? Give him chance to see if the grass is greener and appreciate you and all you do.

More importantly do YOU want to stay in this relationship? Do YOU think he is able to make the changes required and stick to them? I'm assuming you were once happier and you want to make a go of it. The only person you can change is yourself. You can support and encourage him to better himself and step up but don't do it for him.

Original poster

Chelc100 · 20/08/2012 10:02

I don't think kicking him out would change my finacial situation very much. He just doesn't seem to want to do anything - its like the spark behind his eyes have disappeared! I've never thought of it that way OhDear :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Chelc100 · 20/08/2012 10:07

We are both 21, he is nearly 22. He doesn't drink or smoke (anything).
I think he is happy in this relationship because he always gets his own way, I always cave in (I don't meats but sometimes it ain't worth the fight). I know he suffers with his back but he won't go to the doctors (I even make appointments for him which he then cancels).
I want this relationship to work because he is everything to me but my daughter is suffering when I'm in a mood with him or we argue because I don't have the energy to play or go out with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chelc100 · 20/08/2012 10:08

*mean to

OP posts:

SugarBatty · 20/08/2012 10:10

If he has got other issues or mental health problems they might be one of the reasons for his behaviour but not an excuse. is he upset he doesn't have a job or is he quite happy living on benefits? When my dp was out of work for 3 months he was really down and frustrated. Is he the type that would take any job going? What is he interested in?

rainbowinthesky · 20/08/2012 10:10

You are too young to be stuck in this situation. I am sure my view won't be popular but I really do you think you need to look to your own future and start to build a life where you won't be stuck in a relationship from which you gain nothing. Him being everythhing to you will mean fuck all if you are still in this situation in 10 years.

FermezLaBouche · 20/08/2012 10:13

Agree with rainbow - he might have lost the motivation to improve his life but doesn't mean you have to!

Original poster

Chelc100 · 20/08/2012 10:14

I understand what you mean rainbow and I know he doesn't like being on benefits (he's told me and all of our arguing started when he kept getting knocked back for things). It's like we are around each other 24 hours a day and we are miserable :(

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2012 10:15

I want this relationship to work because he is everything to me?

Oh fgs!. A heartbreaking statement like that makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Apart from anything else you are flogging a dead horse with this bloke who will not change his ways for you or anyone else. I can certainly see what he gets out of it but what is the attraction for you?. What do you get out of this now?.

You need to raise your own relationship bar a lot higher than it is set now. He latched onto your own innate low sense of self worth and esteem and is taking you for a ride. The sad thing here is that you have let him too do this to you.

Do you want your DD to grow up thinking that her lazy arse of a dad and a cowering, enabling (do stop making appts for his bad back, you are not his mother) mother is how people should conduct themselves within relationships?.

You are only in your early 20s and have your whole life ahead of you. You do not need a lazy self centered cocklodger as a role model for your daughter nor as your man. Honestly, you'd be better off on your own.

SugarBatty · 20/08/2012 10:15

It might be a case of 'never miss your water til your well runs dry' if you told him to move out you would get a feel of being a single mum and have just one child to look after and not 2! It might give you chance to think what YOU really want and I bet you would surprise yourself by how well you manage on your own because effectively your functioning as a single mum already!

rainbowinthesky · 20/08/2012 10:17

Atilla has said it all really. It's up to you now what you do.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 20/08/2012 10:19

Look at the language in your thread title, even: a partner shouldn't be expected to "help", s/he should pull his/her own weight in order for it to be any kind of partnership.

He won't change because the current situation suits him fine.

The only thing you can change is your continued presence in his life (or put up and shut up, whichever you prefer).

But he has made it clear that he has no interest in contributing any time or effort in your family. Time to start listening to what he's telling you through his actions, and making your own decision as to where that leaves you.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 20/08/2012 11:50

Absolutely what HotDamn said. If you are in a partnership, neither of you is helping the other, you are both doing what needs to be done.

Can you leave, even for a week or two, and go and stay with family or friends just to get your head together?

Did you have medication/counselling for your PND? Are you sure it is all cleared up?

Lueji · 20/08/2012 12:14

He could be depressed as well, but he should seek treatment, as for his back (if that is a real problem).
Could you go back to work, anyway?
Not sure I understand why you gave up work, or was he in employment at the time?

And stop giving ultimatums without consequences.

Original poster

Chelc100 · 20/08/2012 17:02

I'm sure about the PND being gone, I was on medication last year and went to CBT. I gave up work so he could work full time and I could look after our daughter. I've booked us into joint counseling, just waiting to hear back with an appointment. I want to make this work.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2012 17:07

Bet he will not attend any such joint sessions.

Why are you so desperate for this to work, why is your relationship bar set so low to start with?. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied and you certainly do not need a manchild.

Counselling for you alone (and certainly not with him present) is an essential requirement to unpick all the crap about relationships you have learnt along the way.

colditz · 20/08/2012 17:11

a RELATIONSHIP TAKES MOPRE TYHAN ONE PERSON, YOU CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF AND HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MAINTAINING ONE WITH YOU.

He means everything to you, and you do at least have that in common because he means everything to himself too.

Original poster

Chelc100 · 20/08/2012 19:39

He's agreed to go when the appointment comes. Thanks for the advice and words of wisdom.
I don't believe in throwing away a relationship because we don't communicate properly. He said he wants to try and that's that :(

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 20/08/2012 19:47

OP, it doesn't sound like a communication problem, it sounds like a laziness problem. But hopefully counselling will help you.

By the way, did his mum wait on him/his dad hand and foot?

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