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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He was in the wrong...wasn`t he?

58 replies

brownbag · 20/08/2012 09:21

Sorry if this is TMI first thing on a Monday morning, but really not too sure what to make of this.

Been kinda seeing this man for about five months now. All going well, he is very affectionate, funny and always there if I need a hand with everything.

We were in bed last night, and he asked me to give him a blow job, which is something I really, really dont like doing, but will very ocasionally. Never have with him before, and I made a feeble joke about needing to get up and do some work. He had tried to direct himself into my mouth a couple of weeks ago, I had twisted myself away and hed seemed to get the message.

This time though, he pushed me onto my back, pulled himself up the bed and pushed himself into my mouth. I was so shocked I just let him get on with it. H acted totally normal after and so did I.

Is this just him getting carried away? I know I should have said no. I know I should have tried to push him off. Was just completly shocked.

OP posts:

MildewMayhew · 20/08/2012 09:48

BrownBag, they always appear lovely to start with. The moment he rapes or assaults you is the moment the mask slips. The "lovely" version of them is an act.

pokeypants · 20/08/2012 09:49

That is horrible and i would feel degraded. I'm not a fan of bj's either and i know most men like them but it is wrong to force someone to do ANYTHING especialy things which require trust. I sometimes get the feeling my partner would like same thing and has been headed in that direction in that way, he wouldn't though unless i wanted to and that is because of the kind of person he is. Even when carried away any man should be able to show restraint in his actions otherwise where does this end??

geekette · 20/08/2012 09:54

Re: but he is lovely.

Check out all the other threads of blatant rape. You are sure to find that statement in each one.

Most sexual offences are committed by individuals known to the victim.

So yes, they do seem to be lovely, if not you wouldn't know them.

He isn't lovely. Dump him. Let him know why. Could save another girl an even worse fate from this lovely man.

Personally, I would tell the police on 101.

OlivesTree · 20/08/2012 09:55

Walk away OP.

Off track, but I am shocked and disgusted that this is the third thread with the same theme that I have read in the last week. Mumsnet has opened my eyes to more than just extended breastfeeding.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/08/2012 10:05

I have just asked my husbands opinion and read out your post op, he called it non consenual oral rape.

so sorry love x

cupcake78 · 20/08/2012 10:11

Really sorry he did this to you! No wonder your shocked it's a horrible way to be treated. Please leave this relationship. If he's like this after 5mths what is he going to force you to do in a year or 18 months?

This is abusive, he forced himself on you after you had told him no.

dequoisagitil · 20/08/2012 11:09

Dump.

EldritchCleavage · 20/08/2012 11:18

Please never ever see or speak to him again.

Proudnscary · 20/08/2012 11:23

How absolutely awful for you. Do not reply to any of his messages, don't reply or answer the phone or door to him again. You owe him nothing - do not be guilt tripped or persuaded by a bombardment of 'loveliness' from him.

OneMoreChap · 20/08/2012 12:01

You can get some people saying it must have been rape, for things that there's doubt on...

This time though, he pushed me onto my back, pulled himself up the bed and pushed himself into my mouth. I was so shocked I just let him get on with it

That's rape, and yes
pokeypants Mon 20-Aug-12 09:49:47
I'm not a fan of bj's either and i know most men like them but it is wrong to force someone to do ANYTHING especialy things which require trust

If you particularly want oral sex, and your partner doesn't, fine. Just don't reciprocate, or change your partner... I can't imagine forcing a woman to do that.

Lueji · 20/08/2012 12:20

At the very least get rid of him as of now!

It was rape, and the next step would be going to the police, although it can be understandable if you don't want to. :(

But you should not put yourself in that position with him again. Ever.
He is a rapist.

Heleninahandcart · 20/08/2012 12:40

I am so sorry he did this to you. You did nothing wrong, he chose to force his penis in your mouth. This is rape.

As for feeling you could have done something about it, no. You were in shock. First, it takes time for your concious mind to process what is happening - what you previously knew about this man does not tally with his immediate actions and second, it can be an automatic defence mechanism to freeze when assaulted. You had no choice.

He is not a lovely man. Get rid, tell him why or don't tell him it is your choice. Be prepared for sorry or whatever, don't believe him, he has proved his words are cheap. Walk away.

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2012 13:22

Lueji, what on earth do you mean, you should not put yourself in that position with him again.

She didn't put herself in that position!

She says quite clearly, "he pushed me onto my back, pulled himself up the bed and pushed himself into my mouth."

OneMoreChap · 20/08/2012 13:58

ImperialBlether Mon 20-Aug-12 13:22:42
Lueji, what on earth do you mean, you should not put yourself in that position with him again

She didn't put herself in that position!

Good heavens, why snipe at people trying to help the OP?
Don't put yourself in that position again = don't see the bastard again surely?

Or am I missing some hidden sub-text?

AnyFucker · 20/08/2012 14:04

Don't wait for him to contact you in his own time, that may catch you on the hop

Text him now, to say he isn't to contact you again and tell him why

also let him know he is very lucky you are not going to the police to report him for sexual assault (you could do this, if you wanted to, it isn't too late)

and you are telling him this for his own good in future relationships (of which you will not be a part)

if he blusters and denies by text, simply ignore

if he tries to call you, answer once and tell him if he calls again you will be contacting the police

btw, where did you meet this lowlife ?

if it was on a dating site, report him to the site

if it via friends/relations...tell them too

CarnivorousPanda · 20/08/2012 14:14

From what you say, you were raped. What a horrible experience for you. Hope you have plenty of support in RL and not just here.

I would be amazed if this was the first time he's done something like this. As someone earlier said, you could phone the police on 101 if you feel able to.

Lueji · 20/08/2012 14:17

Re-reading what I wrote, it does look a bit dodgy, sorry, but I did mean do not see him again.

Obviously, not that being with him in a house/in bed/having sex caused the rape in any way, and it doesn't excuse it either, but now, knowing how he can behave, please, please, avoid him like the plague.
Because he will do it again and you know you can't trust him to respect you.

Rikalaily · 20/08/2012 14:19

They are always lovely though, no-one would stick around if they showed thier true clolours from the off and most are all sweetness and light between the abuse too, to keep thier partner confused and pliable.

Please don't let this man near you again, he's dangerous no matter how lovely a mask he shows you most of the time. Nice men do not commit rape.

Stay safe x

threeleftfeet · 20/08/2012 14:22

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

You could speak to rape crisis 0808 802 9999, they may be able to help you make sense of it.

You really should call the police also, if you feel strong enough.

he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.

Thumbwitch · 20/08/2012 14:24

That would have choked me, I would have bitten him.
You didn't consent, he put you in a position where you couldn't easily get away so you were coerced, that's nasty. And = assault.

Hope that ends it for you - as others have said, his respect levels for you are sadly lacking - it could get worse but I wouldn't hang around to find out.

EldritchCleavage · 20/08/2012 14:37

That would have choked me, I would have bitten him.

How can you be sure what you would have done?

I hope the OP doesn't read that as implying she should have bitten him. Many women simply freeze-it's a survival instinct, not a failure.

lilachair · 20/08/2012 14:41

Please stop saying "I would have bitten him/fought/screamed/whatever"

It is not helpful, it is not supportive, and if you have never been in that position of utter shock and fear you have no idea how your body would react. No matter what your mind is thinking you could do.

Freezing is a perfectly normal response and is your body protecting you from further hurt if you did struggle or bite.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. Take care of yourself, and talk to Rape Crisis if you can. They have heard this before and are very comforting.

pokeypants · 20/08/2012 14:42

Also it makes me think of a very sad thread on here recently which has left the op feeling hurt and humiliated (and physicaly injured!) all because a selfish man thought he had the right to do what he wanted sexually with his wife and mother of his kids :( you can do better than this you know that!

ScrambledSmegs · 20/08/2012 14:42

I think Thumbwitch is thinking that her gag/choking reflex would have kicked in if it was done to her, and the most likely result of that would be inadvertant biting. I don't think she's telling the OP what she should have done.

At least that's the way I read it, as to be honest that's what I thought. My gag reflex is so bad at the moment that when I brush my teeth I want to be sick.

Hope you're ok OP. Second what everyone else has said - keep well away from this guy. He's clearly got his sexual skills from porn, anyone with normal boundaries would know that doing something like that is assault. Take care of yourself.

ScrambledSmegs · 20/08/2012 14:46

Sorry, badly phrased, I hope that makes sense and is clear that I believe in NO WAY was this the OP's fault.

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