Which comes 1st....my chance of a new future or my DC's safety?

[MrsPenrysJones]

I will try to keep this short.
Have 3 DCs been married for 10 years.
DH is so not interested in any kind of family life.
I think I would be happier if I left, tried to make a new life for myself, etc, etc.
What is really stopping me though is I would not feel safe with DH having the DCs to stay with him at weekends.
Don't get me wrong, he isn't violent just completely so engaged in doing what he wants (watching TV all weekend and evenings) that I have scary visions of them being left to fend for themselves all weekend.
At least whilst we are all still living in the same house I can be there for the DCs all the time, whereas I would just spend every weekend that they were at their dad's worrying myself sick about their safety.
I realise this is probably not a good reason to stay in the marriage, but fear the other option much more.
Any advice would be great as I really don't know what o do for the best.

Well, who's to say he'd have them all weekend? He's not interested in any kind of family life, is he? It doesn't sound as though he's going to fight for it.

I would include an allowance for babysitters in any agreement you make.

How old are your children? Is he really so irresponsible that he would just leave them to it? I feel for you, you need a big discussion on this if you decode to leave. Has he always been like that? Is there nothing left between you now?

DCs are 4, 5 and 10.
Yes he is so irresponsible. My mum only told me of this today (one example only); she dropped the DCs off at our home, I had nipped to the local shop and DH was lying on sofa watching TV. She went to get into her car and DC3 followed her so she escorted him back into house. Took him into living room and told DH to watch him as he had tried to follow her outside. DH sighed loudly, rolled his eyes, tutted and managed to prise himself from sofa to lock door after mum left to stop DC3 following her again.
I was furios when mum told me, but not suprised. Testerday, 9pm, I stated to DH that I was going to have a shower and to keep an eye on DCs. When I came out of the shower I looked out of the bathroom window to see DC3 in his pyjamas playing out on the street. Rushed downstairs with towel wrapped round me.....DH watching TV, didn't even realise front door wide open and DC on the street.
That is what I have to contend with.
Yes he has always been like this.
No there is nothing left between us.

I think your kids and you both will be happier if you leave the bastard.
First off, he may not be interested in any visits, especially not every weekend. It doesn't sound like he would be. And the provision of babysitter is good too. Also, your DC will only be small for a little while, soon enough they can be more independent.

i think they will be better off not growing up seeing their parents don't care for one another.

Go for it! It is scary, but the outcome will be so much better, I bet you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

Jeez. I totally get why you are worried. I think you need serious legal advice, because if you leave, you are talking about arranging contact with supervision only, and that may be quite a big deal.

Do you talk about this with him or have you tried this and got nowhere?

You would only be compelled to allow him access to DC if he decided to fight for it and take you to court. He sounds too lazy and selfish to bother.

However, he would be compelled by a court to pay maintenance for DC if you get rid of him. Do some research, have a chat with a solicitor (most will give a free half-hour); get all the relevant facts so you can decide whether to take DC and leave, or force the man to leave the family home.

What you don't have to do is continue giving this man domestic service and/or allowing him to have sex on you while he contributes so little to family life.

There's no '1st' about it. Your new future and your dcs' safety are one and the same.

I'm in accord with sgb in thinking that this selfish twunt is unlikely to get off his arse to mount any challenge for custody of, or contact with, your dc and if he does, you'll deal with it accordingly.

Such a deadbeat dad is not someone worth keeping in their lives. I would look into how the logistics of leaving him would work, and when you speak to a solicitor explain your concerns re: child safety if he were to get visitation rights.

We have discussed separation before and he has actually suggested that I leave the DCs with him. not sure if he was being totally serious about this as he can't even spend quality time with them on one day never mind every day. And anyhow that would happen over my dead body!
I know exactly what would happen at the weekend; he would collect them on Saturday morning, take them to McDonalds, go back to 'his' house then leave them to pretty much sort themselves out until bedtime whilst he watched football on TV.
They would be left to roam in and out of the house willy nilly, playing on the street,etc.
They would end up eating a takeaway pizza for tea and then nothing else till breakfast next day.
He will then return them to me on Sunday morning to ensure he doesn't miss his compulsory game of golf. Nothing must get in the way of his weekend freetime.
That will be their 'dad' time.
Great ey? I know this is what will happen because that is exactly what happens now (apart from the junk food takeaways as I do the cooking atm).
I think (heart sinking) that I will have to stay until the DCs are old enough to keep themselves safe, and not just wander off to play wherever they feel like without supervision.

OP, he doesn't automatically get assigned weekend custody. If he doesn't ask, he doesn't get, at all. If he takes it to court, you'd possibly have a good case for reduced or supervised access. I'd speak to a solicitor about your concerns.

You sound miserable in this marriage. Your kids will pick up on this, and they won't thank you for staying in a marriage like this.

Your concerns about how he would look after them are not a reason to stay. My ex didn't want family life either & let me do everything. Now we are separated he has the children one at a time one night & day a week. Maybe this could work for you, especially with the older children. Also the irony is my ex is doing all the things he hated doing/refused to do as a family now he is responsible for entertaining them for a whole day. You have to laugh.

Just don't agree weekend access - it doesn't sound like he wouldcrequest it anyway

If he did want weekend access could you go with them while they are still small? At least that way you only have to put up with him one day a week!

Why do you think your DH would want the kids at the weekend?

If you are/were to leave, access would have to be discussed and if necessary through court, if he can't be arsed, would be bother trying to see them anyway?

Is there any chance it could be a wake up call for him if you leave? He's used to seeing them everyday at the min and letting you get on with it, but if it was only once a week or something and he was on his own, maybe he would make an effort?

If you do split, and he wants contact, you can always go down the route of supervised access at a contact centre, explaining your concerns to him etc as to why, then maybe after a few months it would be supervised at someone's home (the in laws maybe) until he can prove he's a responsible adult?

Just one question, obviously you don't have to answer but if he's always been like this, why did you have 3 DC with him?

I assume he would want to see them at the weekend because the thought that he might not want to is too awful to contemplate.
I mean, they are his children so surely he would want to see them as much as possible.
Isn't that what all dads who are separated do?

MrsPenrysJones Mon 20-Aug-12 10:07:27
I assume he would want to see them at the weekend because the thought that he might not want to is too awful to contemplate.

But he doesn't do much with them when he does see them does he...

I mean, they are his children so surely he would want to see them as much as possible. Isn't that what all dads who are separated do?

No, not all of them Some, however, have to take their wives to court to get access to the children. Some ex-wives try and batter their husbands with the CSA and want to avoid the risk of sharing residence - at all. In my case, I was battered by the CSA with the result that XW discovered I was paying significantly more than CSA recommended. I reduced it after I was taken to court for ancilliary relief - and the judge awarded me £8k...

If he is such a deadbeat:
a) he unlikely to ask for access
b) he's unlikely to push for it if he does.

But please if he's making you unhappy, get rid. Staying in a joyless marriage is good for neither of you, nor the kids.

4,5 and 10 will be a bit harder for workplace/childminding stuff when you're getting back to work; you mentioned your mum - will you get good "Granny support"?

Oh, as a suggestion, bolt on door above 3 year old's reach.

Leave the lazy bastard. It's a shame but lets face it, no matter what you do he is never going to be the dad they deserve.

It's his loss - it might seem like it's the DCs' loss but they are better off without somebody who sighs at the mere thought of watching them for five bloody minutes.

My dad never had time for us and always put his needs first. We even had to walk behind him down the road so he wasn't seen with us!!! Anyway it has massively affected my self esteem being around someone who doesn't actually want you there and who makes it quite obvious you are an irritation to him. It has affected any relationship I have too.

Leave him and I very much doubt he will even want the kids to be honest and at least they won't be subjected to his obvious annoyance at having children ruin his time. Trust me your children will be better off.

I do understand where you are coming from, Mrs PJ.

If you think he would have them every other Saturday for just one overnight, the junk food wouldn't be a huge problem for their health.

The safety is the bigger thing. You could start with your soliciotr warning that if they were ever found to be out on the street, esp the 4 year old, DH's arse would be back in court immediately.

My head tells me that the DCs would be better off in the long term if i left him. I also know he will make everything as awkward as possible re money and access issues.
I also know he is the type who cannot live as a single person, it's just not in his nature. And the thought that he will become involved with someone else who will possibly have DCs and become a superdad for her DCs but not his own makes me rage inside.
I also accept that couples can have different views on parenting. He tends to think I am too much of a hoverer not letting them run freer, whereas I think at their age they need to be supervised. That is my main worry, and if anything happened to one of them whilst in his 'care' I would never forgive myself and would see it as my fault for leaving.

If he's that useless, he's pretty unlikely to become superdad to someone else's DCs, so you can probably set that worry at least to one side.

MrsPenrysJones Mon 20-Aug-12 12:07:38

the thought that he will become involved with someone else who will possibly have DCs and become a superdad for her DCs but not his own makes me rage inside

I think at their age they need to be supervised

if anything happened to one of them whilst in his 'care' I would never forgive myself and would see it as my fault for leaving

Mmm. A few issues coming out there, perhaps.

Please go on OneMoreChap. Are you seeing something I'm not?

MrsPenrysJones Mon 20-Aug-12 12:23:06
Please go on OneMoreChap. Are you seeing something I'm not?

Don't know He's well into your head, and you're concerned about something hypothetical that may happen in his putative future with a putative partner.

You're very keen to ensure the kids are supervised (by the way, the bolt on the door will stop 3 yr old running out while you are in the shower) to a significant level. Every normal parent thinks their children need some supervision, so you're pushing against an open door with most posters here...

You'd never forgive yourself - possibly a bit dramatic and an self-excuse for not going.

As I said, "if he's making you unhappy, get rid. Staying in a joyless marriage is good for neither of you, nor the kids."