Which comes 1st....my chance of a new future or my DC's safety?

[MrsPenrysJones]

I will try to keep this short.
Have 3 DCs been married for 10 years.
DH is so not interested in any kind of family life.
I think I would be happier if I left, tried to make a new life for myself, etc, etc.
What is really stopping me though is I would not feel safe with DH having the DCs to stay with him at weekends.
Don't get me wrong, he isn't violent just completely so engaged in doing what he wants (watching TV all weekend and evenings) that I have scary visions of them being left to fend for themselves all weekend.
At least whilst we are all still living in the same house I can be there for the DCs all the time, whereas I would just spend every weekend that they were at their dad's worrying myself sick about their safety.
I realise this is probably not a good reason to stay in the marriage, but fear the other option much more.
Any advice would be great as I really don't know what o do for the best.

I think he should see the kids in two hour blocks, so that he takes them to the park or he takes them out to lunch. In my view he could do as many of those as he wants, every day if he wants to, but the chances are that after two hours have passed, he'll be bored and want to do his own thing.

You can't possibly get a solicitor to tell him if the child is found on the street then he'd have to go back to court. Without wanting to sound too dramatic, if your child is found on the street he's likely to be found under a car. You can't trust him to care for them in his own home, that's the thing.

My worry exactly, that DC will end up under a car, or falling out of an upstairs window, or drowning in the bath whilst he goes off to check the football results.
This may all sound overdramatic, but he just does not SEE any dangers that might happen to them.
Agree that solicitor can't make him more careful, sadly.
I have to go out this evening but will have to make sure DCs are all back inside before I go as I just don't trust him to supervise them, even for an hour.
This is why I feel stuck.....although the 2 hour idea appeals as even he would be able to manage to keep focused on them for that short period.

thing is, until or unless something actually happens to one of your dc while in his care then you have very little to go on in terms of saying he isnt safe to look after them. also i presume you also go to toilet or leave them for 30 seconds to do stuff too? tho i do get what you are saying, the issue is whether you can actually tell a judge that his "parenting" really amounts to neglect... and safety precautions can be taken...

your day time scenario while not ideal in some ways; is not child neglect in other ways if they are fed and watered (even it is mcdonalds and pizza) . if the street is quiet eg cul de sac and other kids play on the street -why not them? you can also make sure you train the children -they are old enough to learn where they should and should not go... and oldest can learn to use a mobile etc.

the future partner scenario is hypothetical.

The bolt on the door would stop a 4-year-old provided an adult has put the bolt across. Any safety measure will work provided someone uses it, which requires them to assess the risks and take action. Which is what this person is showing themselves to be deficient in doing.

You know your partner. TBH I would stick it out for the moment until you get proper legal advice.

I don't think considering a 4 year old to be in need of supervision to show evidence of 'issues'.

Playing out in the street is potentially fine at this age provided a parent remains reasonably alert to problems coming up IMO.

joanofarchitrave Tue 21-Aug-12 00:12:06
The bolt on the door would stop a 4-year-old provided an adult has put the bolt across. Any safety measure will work provided someone uses it, which requires them to assess the risks and take action. Which is what this person is showing themselves to be deficient in doing.

Couldn't agree with you more.
I'd add in my defence, this was a response to the OP

Testerday, 9pm, I stated to DH that I was going to have a shower and to keep an eye on DCs. When I came out of the shower I looked out of the bathroom window to see DC3 in his pyjamas playing out on the street.

If she had a bolt and used it, DC3 couldn't have got out, however feckless her partner was... so if safety is the real issue. Get a bolt.

Just feels like OP is making excuses not to leave. She's unhappy, it needs ending.

You and the children can't stay with him just so you can sit and supervise them / his uselessness all the time. If nothing else, you're his safety net.

You and your children need to be happy. If you all leave, of chuck him out, you can be. When you're working your children with be with granny / childminder, so you have no worries there. If you're worried about them being in his care, either get him to have supervised access or block it altogether.

None of this is any reason for you to stay in a miserable life and you should see it that way.