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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

All mixed up

30 replies

mrsjs · 19/08/2012 17:33

I'm in my 30's and been married for over 10 years. Got 2 dc, who both have additional needs.

He never seems interested in finding out about the things that confuse/scare etc the dc. He leaves everything up to me.

He's a very hard working man and we never want for anything. He spends time taking ds to his activity and they get on great. Ds looks up to him and respects him more than anyone. With dd, they're not as close and he doesn't seem to understand her and gets frustrated easier with her than ds. He 'says' he loves me but I need reassuring every now and again - I'm the type of person that believes you should 'show' someone, rather than use those 3 little words all the time.

Anyway, I'm fed up with being the one who finds out what makes them tick

I'm fed up of being the one to tell them off all the time

I'm fed up with the lack of back up from h

I'm fed up with feeling like shit

I'm fed up with making all the changes to diet etc and then having to go back on it as h thinks I'm being too hard

What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to help the kids by being in a strict routine then made to feel guilty if I won't let them have more sweets!! One dc hates the dentist and has already had issues at dentist. It's me that has to calm them down when it's time to go. It's me that has to give the receptionist a call before we go to say how scared dc is.

So sorry to just go on and on but I feel like a single mother in a loveless marriage (not on my part) and we are getting further apart because of this, i feel that i just shouts all the time and dictates what everyone can/can't do.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 19/08/2012 19:11

Ok. What is his reaction when you have brought this up with him? Is Relate or some other counselling an option?

Original poster
mrsjs · 19/08/2012 19:42

Well, there's usually a sigh involved, he may blame pmt, or he refuses to talk and I end up holding it all in and getting on with things.

Not even sure tbh. He's certainly not a talker. I find it hard but usually try.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 19/08/2012 20:07

Right. So he wouldn't go for counselling then? Sometimes, and I accept that my opinion is affected by my experience, partners just don't take on board what we say. We can say it until we are blue in the face, and it doesn't ultimately make a difference. In my case, he would SAY he got what I way saying, then carry on pretty much as per usual. Over the course of 20 yrs together, he would have periods where he went for counselling, during which time he would improve. Within a few months of stopping the counselling he would go back to his normal behaviour. I would every so often talk about one day when he would have completely destroyed the relationship, and I would really have had enough, but I don't think he believed me, or cared very much. In my case there was EA and an incidence of DV also. I think that by protesting, and then tolerating it, ie, by still being still in the relationship, I demonstrated that what I was saying was meaningless, that he could get away with all these behaviours. And of course he had.
So, waffling about me aside, what I am saying, I think, is that only you know if this is a Deal Breaker for you. He may not change, if he doesn't ultimately want to. Could you live with that? Relate will see you on your own if you need help to work this out. My STBXH didn't want to change. I eventually found he had signed up for online dating, and although he proffessed that he wanted the relationship to work, and go for counselling, his behaviour, and I really believe that 'handsome is as handsome does, not what he says', indicated otherwise. Hopefully we will be divorced shortly. Far from being heartbroken, he quite quickly found someone who would tolerate his nonsense, showing that I was indispensable or special. I hope it works out better for you, but it really does come down the cliche about THEY WILL ONLY CHANGE BEHAVIOURS IF THEY WANT TO AND/OR VALUE YOU AND THE RELATIONSHIP ENOUGH. x

Original poster
mrsjs · 19/08/2012 20:28

Thank you for that very personal story. I don't want to change him, I just want him to show he cares, I want him to care for me enough that he'll come upstairs, where I've been for the past few hours, and ask if I'm ok. I would love it if he would take care of the kids for just one day on his own, therefore giving me a much needed break, but he doesn't seem to think he should - he usually just says he works hard all week and I'm left feeling guilty for wanting time out.

Oh I don't know what I expected to achieve from this but I feel like a single mother and someone he's very settled in his ways with.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 19/08/2012 20:35

I think a lot of people feel like you MrsJ but it don't make it right...if you are clearly stating what you want, and not getting it, only you can decide what happens next. He may not change. Most don't, occasionally some partners will, I think I am just saying, don't waste your breath for 20 years like I did.

Original poster
mrsjs · 19/08/2012 21:17

I guess it's normal then. . Is that what you're saying? (sorry, no good unless someone says what they think)

I'm not high maintenance and don't expect these things all the time. I'm not needy and constantly moaning about it. I suppose this weekend has been too much and the lack of back up where the kids are concerned really amazes me as i'm trying to help them yet feel like there's no point in trying when we're both not sticking to it. It's me that has to answer to all these 'experts' and attend all these appointments.

Thank you for coming back x

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 19/08/2012 21:31

I am not feeling at my most articulate today, but will give it a go. I think its common for women to have that experience, that they are single parents within a relationship. I don't think it makes it right, and it makes many women unhappy. So if by 'normal' you mean common, then yes. I don't think that makes it right, I think it is a deeply selfish view of "I work hard and bring home the bacon, and when I get home I don't expect to do anything". I think the dynamics between his parents may indicate what he expects to happen in your relationship. I don't think you are asking too much, and I don't believe you sound high maintenance. Maybe he is guilting you into feeling like this, so you won't bring it up. In your first post you mention shouting all the time and dictating what people can do. Did you mean you are shouting or him?

Original poster
mrsjs · 19/08/2012 21:46

He's definitely the type that 'expects tea on the table when he gets in' as his mum used to. I'm not as much of a 'how high would you like me to jump' kind of wife as his mum is. The very rare times i've not been back in time to cook tea, I'm not sure i'm feeling guilty or he makes me feel guilty, for not being there but there is an atmosphere.

He knows I rely on him for everything and maybe he does like the fact that it's this way. I don't know.

Sorry, when I say shouting, it's more organising the kids and telling them off when they mis-behave - and it's me doing it! Blush

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 19/08/2012 21:51

Ok. It does sound like he has some control issues. I am hoping someone like Izzy or Thumb will come along with some words of wisdom.

Original poster
mrsjs · 19/08/2012 21:59

Any words of any kind is appreciated right now. Thank you for being honest with me.

Everyone thinks that 'i'm the boss' but is that becuase he 'lets' me do the things I do and because i'm not high maintenance and make the big choices or because it's what i'm used to.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 19/08/2012 22:11

It does sound like the current situation suits him quite nicely. The only thorn in his side is you don't like it. It's up to you whether you can go on like this, if he isn't prepared to change, and you may benefit from Relate to talk this through. I found that my situation had got bad enough that I was better off mentally, and my dd, being a Lone Parent Family. It may not have got to that point with you, but it does seem that you are unhappy, which is a normal reaction to this situation. I need to take myself off to bed now, but I shall be back tomorrow. Hope you sleep ok. x

Original poster
mrsjs · 19/08/2012 23:05

I always thought relate was just for couples. I think it may be worth me calling them. I know our current situation with dc will have an effect on our relationship but it doesn't feel as though it's that. I've threaded on egg shells many times - not because he's violent or even made me feel like he could be. . I can't explain it. Thanks for helping me this evening x

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsjs · 19/08/2012 23:06

*treaded on egg shells.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 20/08/2012 10:14

That's ok x. Relate will see you on your own. If you are treading on eggshells, this is not good. Some men can be intimidating. I hope you find a resolution. x

Original poster
mrsjs · 20/08/2012 21:16

Thank you parsley. It's not all the time but I still do worry about certain things - is that not just a marriage? Both our parents are divorced and we've been married longer than they both were.

It's hard to put my finger on . . I didn't get chance to call today but will try again tomorrow.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 20/08/2012 21:30

Ok. Come back and tell us how you got on maybe. x

Original poster
mrsjs · 20/08/2012 21:36

Thank you for listening, telling me how you think it looks but more importantly, not pushing me to go 1 way or the other x

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 20/08/2012 22:39

Hi MrsJS. I agree that it seems common for women to feel alone in a relationship. I also felt that way, that I was bending over backwards to make everyone happy and yet H just looked after himself, never spent time with the DCs, begrudgingly gave me the odd hour in return for 'time off for good behaviour' etc

We tried Relate but the counsellor basically said he had no empathy so she couldn't work with him Sad He went for counselling on his own, but it wasn't really helping, so in the end I told him I didn't want to be with him any more.

He was miserable and he made me miserable, which in turn made the DCs miserable. He moved out in June and we're all much happier, he has his own space, I am free to make my own decisions (I ordered pizza for dinner tonight and its not even Tuesday!) and the DCs get to spend proper time with him on his access days, so everyone's a winner.

I figured if I was going to feel like a single parent I may as well get the benefits of it too. And if I'm lucky maybe one day I will also get the opportunity to meet someone lovely who doesn't make me feel like I have to tread carefully. I'm not saying this is the right choice for you, but if it comes to that, its not the end of the world x

twonker · 20/08/2012 22:49

This link is one I have copied from another thread on here, but I thought it was very interesting. You may find it a useful tool to reflect on your relationship. Courage!

Original poster
mrsjs · 20/08/2012 23:09

Thank you for your replies doing & twonker

I'll have a read through that thread and also some soul searching is really needed.

I love him so much and will try anything to keep us all together. I also understand that it's a two-way thing and unless we both try then . . . :( x

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 21/08/2012 11:16

Also the 'treading on eggshells' part makes me think you should check out the links on this thread...

I hope for your sake that you don't recognise too many of the traits on here, but it was an eye-opener for me about what a healthy relationship should look like.

Original poster
mrsjs · 22/08/2012 12:29

Thanks for that link doing. I'll have a good look once I'm on the laptop. X

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 22/08/2012 12:40

Your H is basically selfish and this is rooted in his very deep-seated belief that you are a 'woman'. Not a person. This means that he considers you something between a domestic appliance and a pet; he might 'love'you but really, you're only a 'woman' and if you make a whining noise from time to time he thinks that he can probably tune it out, or make some minor adjustments that will keep the machinery running for the time being.

Not all men are like this, and you do not have to put up with it if you've had enough.

Original poster
mrsjs · 22/08/2012 16:02

Hi solid. Thank you for your response. It just seems quite harsh that that's how he maybe sees me. Obviously this is why I posted, for other peoples point of view too.

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 22/08/2012 18:27

I totally get the point about being 'a woman' not a person sgb. When I would tell H about things I'd read on here he would dismiss it as "just a bunch of mums wittering on" as if somehow being female and a parent makes your opinions less valid. I didn't see quite how damaging that attitude was for quite a long time Sad

Do you think your H's attitude to women in general is a bit demeaning mrsjs or does he reserve his old fashioned views on your role in the relationship purely for you? The fact that he blames PMT when you have legitimate concerns about how your relationship is working sounds pretty crap to me, its another way of saying that women just moan without any real reason and that he doesn't have to take on board what you say.

We all know we can get a bit hormonal at times, but if he's not generally supportive and he's dismissing your feelings you need to sit him down and explain exactly how unacceptable that is.