All mixed up

[mrsjs]

I'm in my 30's and been married for over 10 years. Got 2 dc, who both have additional needs.

He never seems interested in finding out about the things that confuse/scare etc the dc. He leaves everything up to me.

He's a very hard working man and we never want for anything. He spends time taking ds to his activity and they get on great. Ds looks up to him and respects him more than anyone. With dd, they're not as close and he doesn't seem to understand her and gets frustrated easier with her than ds. He 'says' he loves me but I need reassuring every now and again - I'm the type of person that believes you should 'show' someone, rather than use those 3 little words all the time.

Anyway, I'm fed up with being the one who finds out what makes them tick

I'm fed up of being the one to tell them off all the time

I'm fed up with the lack of back up from h

I'm fed up with feeling like shit

I'm fed up with making all the changes to diet etc and then having to go back on it as h thinks I'm being too hard

What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to help the kids by being in a strict routine then made to feel guilty if I won't let them have more sweets!! One dc hates the dentist and has already had issues at dentist. It's me that has to calm them down when it's time to go. It's me that has to give the receptionist a call before we go to say how scared dc is.

So sorry to just go on and on but I feel like a single mother in a loveless marriage (not on my part) and we are getting further apart because of this, i feel that i just shouts all the time and dictates what everyone can/can't do.

He has that view in general. He's not just like that at home. I know he's said things in front of other people and they have told him he's out of order. He's difficult to live with and said that himself. I see myself as difficult to live with too as I've got anxiety issues etc and he's very understanding of them (ie he knows I get very stressed when going out for a night out for various reasons and will try and take the pressure off).

I've tried having a very brief chat this evening and it wasn't the best timing, kids came back and he's gone quiet now!

I said maybe we could not question each others parenting in front of kids (I said we but mean him questioning me)

I asked why he thought we were still married and he said it was because we love each other

He's confused why I'm feeling alone, unloved etc as he thinks everything is ok.

He says he's never been romantic or touchy feely (he was at the beginning). I told him I didn't expect affection all the time but just knowing that he loved me would make a difference

He just got up and said he needed a cig and stayed out there for a while. On the way out he said we may as well split up then.

Not really sure I explained how I felt well but there's an atmosphere now.

Hmm not much of a talker then? You shouldn't be worried that YOU've created an atmosphere by trying to talk to him though, if he loves you then he needs to understand how to help make things better.

I think you need to be quite insistent about a proper 'talk' with some goals and timescales at a time when you can both sit down in peace. I know its a bit scary for blokes, but he needs to realise how serious this has become, that you feel that you are not loved (or at least not in a way that is meaningful to you) and that actually if that is the case, it may be easier to be a single parent than to carry on tiptoeing around him without getting any support from him.

Would it help if you tried to phrase it that he doesn't seem happy either and what can you both do to make the atmosphere in the house better for everyone? (I tried all of this, by the way, but I think our situation was too far gone, so it needs addressing sooner rather than later.)

x

I said he seems unhappy and distant and he insisted he's fine and he genuinely doesn't know why I'm like this. I did say he's too complacent and he shouldn't be so laid back about us. I also told him that there didn't feel like anything there at the moment. I just hope the silence is him thinking.

I'm not sure anymore. Been a tough day with kids. I'm going to have to go to bed.

Once again, thank you for your time. X

I would call his bluff and tell him you are seeing a solicitor.

Hope you get a good nighs sleep, and that things move forward for you tomorrow.