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Original poster

leave partner and have a termination??

33 replies

HeartMyDd · 18/08/2012 22:24

Sorry for the downer guys....

Don't really know how to put my thoughts into words... my partner and I have been together only a year, I have a dd from a previous massively failed relationship with an absolute arse!! I'm now 16weeks pregnant with dp... not exactly planned although he was over the moon, my feelings for him aren't 100% there, he doesn't seem too interested in the pregnancy now, infact hasn't asked or said anything about it in the last couple of weeks :-/ we argue a fair amount and rarely see eye to eye. I find photos of him and his ex, even at his parents house!! Ermm how long ago did they break up ffs!! When we first got together she didn't leave him alone for absolute months and he always sticks up for her!! My family don't know I'm pregnant (thank god) although his does.

After my previous failed relationship I don't want to be left a single mum with 2 children with 2 fathers... admittedly my partner would be a good dad but doesn't mean much to me anymore. I'd happily live on my own with my lil angel of a daughter, I don't need a man.

I've had friends having a go so try and hold back calling me a fool... I'm fully aware. Any advise or anything would be amazing!! Just wanna cry :(

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 18/08/2012 22:27

You don't mention anything about a termination in your actual post. Is that what you want? Already 16 weeks, that's very far along. You would have to act very fast.
I can't advise on the relationship question but to be honest, lots of people are single parents with two or more exes, nothing wrong with it. Terminating such a late pregnancy is an extreme course of action and likely to have some emotional consequences.

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 22:32

If you want to have a termination you'd better get a move on next week because you're getting dangerously close to the cut off point - a Marie Stopes clinic would be the way to go for a speedy outcome.

It sounds very much as if you've got yourself involved with another arse and this one happens to be an arse you don't seem to care too much for, which is not the most propitious start to life as a single dp to 2 dc.

If you have a termination fgs have copper 7 coil fitted shortly thereafter so that you don't waste any more tears on something that can easily be prevented.

NovackNGood · 18/08/2012 22:33

Don't worry about it too much and just get on with it and get it done and you can then get on with the rest of our life.

Original poster
HeartMyDd · 18/08/2012 22:35

Think it's what I want...
It's hard enough with one dc and one ex causing trouble everywhere I turn tbh :-/ had enough of the whole thing....
How fast is fast on acting on a termination, seems as its Saturday? And where do I start?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeartMyDd · 18/08/2012 22:38

This is how this happened izzy , I had the coil and it infected my uterus, had it taken out and went back obviously the pill... still managed to get pregnant!! :(

OP posts:
izzyizin · 18/08/2012 22:44

Visit www.bpas.org.uk and give the 24/7 advice line a call.

Kirsty240287 · 18/08/2012 22:51

I don't want to influence your decision in anyway and obviously if your relationship isn't what you want you could have sorted this much earlier or prevented it. Anyway I got preg in 2007 at the age of 20, I'd been with DP for 3 yrs and we had been living together for a few months. Wasn't planned but equally we weren't using any contraceptive. He came to scans etc but never really made a fuss over the preg if you know what I mean, and I had my doubts but as soon as DD was born he was great.

I'm 17wks preg now and he's been completely different this time round, I've had more flowers than I've ever had in my life, he came home the day after the 12 wk scan with newborn clothes and was really understanding when I had horrendous morning sickness!

I think pregnancy scares the shit out of some men tbh, but whatever you decide to do, have an open and frank discussion with him first, ultimately it's your body so your decision but it's his baby to.

I should also say I've had a termination, if you want to know more PM me x

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/08/2012 22:52

Hi Hun

I wont judge I am pro choice for any woman, it sounds from your post it might be what you want, and its more about timing and where to go for the right information. I wonder if it is worth googling the charities that deal with termination such as marie stopes, and see what info they have on their site?

Also take the weekend to think through if this is what you want, also because you are further along, have you anyone around who could look in on you and give a hand on the quiet if need be. lastly what are you going to tell the father, im going to be practical here and and will except any flack from the girls on this forum, are you going to pass it off as an mc or are you going to tell him straight, because both could break his heart, but one is going to be easier to handle for him than the other.

all these questions deserve some thought hun, and im sure your head is spinning with all these thoughts at the moment, good luck with whatever you decide.x

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/08/2012 22:54

Just to add I had a termination at 20 weeks because of a terminal genetic condition the baby had, and questions pm me.

dequoisagitil · 18/08/2012 23:00

I'd try to separate the two issues.

Do you want the relationship?

Do you want the pregnancy?

If you don't love the guy or feel the relationship isn't working, you don't have to stick with it, pregnant or not.

If you don't want the pregnancy, you don't have to stay pregnant - but you do need to deal with it sooner rather than later.

You're not a fool. Just don't let the expectations of others sway you. This is your future life and it's you that has to live with the outcome.

Original poster
HeartMyDd · 18/08/2012 23:01

Sorry new to this stuff, how do I pm you??

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 18/08/2012 23:02

Our names appear on the blue line above our posts, at the right hand side it says message poster?

Krumbum · 19/08/2012 01:11

The average waiting time for a termination is 2 weeks. So if you go to your family planning clinic Monday morning you can get all the information and they can start booking things.
For such a late termination you are unlikely to be able to have it done in your town. There are very few places that do them as it a more complicated procedure, look online but avoid the horrible anti choice sites they lie and try to shock. I have a friend who had to go to London. So bear that in mind when organising.
Take dp out of the equation, do you want a child? There lies your answer.

MandSNewSeason · 19/08/2012 01:30

Marie Stopes has a 24 hour advice line. You don't have to wait as long as 2 weeks if you can manage to pay for private, and I've heard quite negative things about NHS staff attitudes particularly where later terminations are concerned.

I had one at MS at a similar term as you a few years ago and it was £800 in London, I see it has gone up a bit now but I chose to have GA so it was a bit more expensive anyway. It was definitely the right thing for me (am also a LP so understand your reasons) but they can arrange counselling for you to be sure you'll make the right decision.

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2012 12:30

Firstly, in response to Kirsty240287, the op DID try to prevent it, she was on the pill. When will people understand that pregnancy CAN & DOES occur when contraception is being used, as non of them are 100% effective.

Secondly, Heart! I feel for you. When I feel pregnant with dd1, I was overjoyed. We had been trying for yr & everything was very exciting. Dh was very excited too, initially (or so it seemed). Over time he seemed to really not be interested at all, to the point where I left as I wasn't prepared to live with that!

After having time to discuss it (which is what I should have done, rather than read signals that weren't there) it came down to it that he was shit scared of what was happening/could happen! He stopped reading baby books because they listed all the things that could go wrong. He stopped wanting to be excited because of all the potential problems.

I went home after a while & almost as if to realise his fears, I developed pre eclampsia! But I have to say that he was amazing! SO strong, so supportive. Dd was 4 weeks early & he did what ever was needed. He really took care of us! Now she is 9 & our dd2 is 4. He is a great dad (if a little too wound around their fingers :) ).

I guess what I am trying to say is, have you actually talked to him about how he feels? If so, then ignore my advice. If not, try it & see if anything changes after that. You need to do what YOU know is best for you & your family. That doesn't matter what that is, as long as you do it for the right reasons.

People will tell you that you won't regret a baby you have, but you might. People do.

Good luck, op!

Original poster
HeartMyDd · 19/08/2012 13:20

different thank you for your response :) I have spoken to dp a couple of times, not in depth. However he does know where I'm at with the whole situation, he blames it on hormones, and then gets a tad angry and says it's my body and basically "whatever" ..... I know he wants kids, since we've been together he's been amazing my dd, and has always wanted his own.... I'm thinking just maybe not with me anymore :-/ after all it took him "apparently" 2 years to get out his last relationship... although he still had her doing him favours when we first got together and still had her photo in his wallet, bare In mind they broke up a year before I met him. Maybe it will take him 2 years to end it with me too?? :-/

OP posts:
Kirsty240287 · 19/08/2012 13:54

differentnameforthis - if you read my post again, you'll see I'm saying exactly the same thing as you Hmm, also the OP posted about being on the pill after I had posted my comment, even though my comment appears after, I hadn't read hers first.

Helltotheno · 19/08/2012 15:40

Maybe it will take him 2 years to end it with me too?? :-/

You're in a spiral of negative thinking about this. The only question is what YOU want. Do YOU want this child? Who knows whether you two will stay together or not: you might, you mightn't. That's not the point. There are people who get together thinking they're indesructible and hey presto, 10 years and a passel of kids later, they're kaputt.

Stop thinking about him and what he's going. Someone else's life is at stake here. Start asking yourself if YOU can be a good mother to this child, with or without him on the scene.

Helltotheno · 19/08/2012 15:41

what he's doing

Tanith · 19/08/2012 16:37

I would have a good think about finding some new friends, too. True friends will support you and be there for you. They will not lay into you because they don't agree with your decisions.

Original poster
HeartMyDd · 19/08/2012 22:20

Tbh helltotheno I really don't know... head is all over the place, I've got an appointment with a nice lady from a charity called options Tomoz, it's not an abortion charity just people that will sit and listen if you know what I mean, I'm hoping she'll be able to put my mind into rational thinking mode! Also had another extremely pointless chat with dp... his new excuse is that all this is because I don't feel sexy?? Ermm I've never said that, so obviously his own thoughts .... what a dick !!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
HeartMyDd · 19/08/2012 22:22

tanith ... recently shared your thoughts!!

OP posts:
getmeoutofthismadhouse · 20/08/2012 00:08

I went for a termination at 7 weeks a few years ago , due to my blood condition I was 18 weeks when I finally had the termination . I had it done in Birmingham so it's not just in London you can go to ! I went via my family planning centre who then get funding for the termination . I would definitely agree that you need to start making decisions now honey , get the appointment booked and if then at the last minute you can't go through with it then at least you have made the decision and not had the decision made for you !
It's not a nice procedure so you need to be totally sure before you do it !

I have 2 children by 2 different Dads and it definitely isn't the end of the world . Mistakes happen , your children will be loved just as much whoever their Dad is !! Good Luck !!

solidgoldbrass · 20/08/2012 00:42

As someone said upthread, it's two separate issues: continuing the relationship, and continuing the pregnancy. If your DP is a basically OK bloke but not someone you want to spend the rest of your life in a couple-relationship with, he might still make a decent co-parent ie you don't carry on as partners but he remains a good dad, sees his DC and gives financial support.
If you simply don't want another baby no matter what, then that's fair enough as well: your body. your choice.