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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just walked out

57 replies

tillymint74 · 18/08/2012 20:01

my Husband of five years has just walked out on me an our 10 month old. He says he needs space to sort his head out. It is so hard as he says he fancies me, loves me, is my best friend but is not in love with me. He says he is empty inside.

So here I am alone and so confused! Any help out there?? X

OP posts:
cakeismysaviour · 19/08/2012 01:11

I'm sorry to hear that Tilly, even though it is not at all unexpected.

What a bastard!

You have been so dignified and have handled his bullshit perfectly.

Be kind to yourself and give your dd a big hug. x

skyebluesapphire · 19/08/2012 01:34

I'm off to bed now but will check back tomorrow.

Original poster
tillymint74 · 19/08/2012 03:36

Well no chance of sleep, my mind is going overtime!! Everything all makes sense now. How do you bounce back from finding out the one person you trusted more than anyone has had an affair? Just want daytime to come so I can get up and go visit friends out of town. Need space x

OP posts:
tuckingfits · 19/08/2012 04:18

Oh Tilly. I'm so sorry to read your thread. What a cock. You're a strong lady - to be posting advice for others when you are reeling from tonight's revelations.

I don't have experience but I would suggest that if you are sure you won't have him back & that it's over,you should get yourself a shit hot lawyer sorted. Apparently you can shop about to find someone attack-dog enough by using free half hour sessions.

God you really don't need this with all the other stress in your life. If you venture into relationships you'll find lots of excellent advice on other threads that would be relevant to your new situation. Also if you want to get your thread moved apparently you can use the report function & add a message which goes to mnhq exposing why & where you'd like it moved to.

Hugs for you. What a horrible shock you've had.x

helicopterview · 19/08/2012 04:53

I know that reeling feeling. Something similar happened to me a couple of years ago, though my dcs were older. However it transpired my h started an affair much earlier when one of them was around the age of your dc.

You are better off in the pain of the truth, than the bliss of the ignorance. It's painful now, the worst, but it will get better.

Some immature, narcissistic, selfish men can't take it that you have a baby who needs you, and you can't be there for them like you used to.

It's so weak to just go, without so much as a conversation about it with you. He's afraid of your anger. Did he really think he could do this without having to deal with any fall out?

It is his loss. He wont be there to raise his child. How sad is that.

And any woman who would take a guy who walks out on his wife and baby needs her head sorting. You know she has just taken on a total loser!

Yogagirl17 · 19/08/2012 05:32

Oh Tilly I'm so sorry - sending you lots of hugs and sympathy.

Went through similar last December (except mine didn't actually walk out, I had to throw him out in the end when he couldn't make up his mind whether he could live without the OW!Angry). If you had asked me last year at this time I would have told you with 100% absolute certainty my XP would never cheat. I would have said he can be a grumpy, stressed out, miserable bugger at times who wouldn't talk about his feelings if his life depended on it...but that he loved me and I loved him & I trusted him with my life. 8 months on and I'm getting on with my own life (even met a couple of lovely men!) & I can honestly say I'm pretty happy at the moment. I wouldn't take him back now if he got on his knees and begged.

You will get through it. You will need to be strong & you will need to find (and ACCEPT) support from whereever you can get it because the next few months are going to be hard. But you will survive. xx

Original poster
tillymint74 · 19/08/2012 05:36

You are both so right, love the 'cock' phrase, think it sums him up perfectly. After a night of no sleep, which will make today fun, lots of things have now slotted into place.

  1. I know he is in love with her but just feels duty bound to try out relationship. I will not be second best!
  1. This is/ has been a deeper relationship than he is letting on, I can never compete with that and don't want to
  1. Whilst I was looking after my sick father and stressed mother with my 10 month old, he decided to embark on an affair. I never want to be with someone like that
  1. He swore on our daughters life he was not seeing anyone, who could lie like that?
  1. I am sure he will have been using her shoulder to cry on tonight making their relationship stronger, whilst ours vanishes into a pile of pop!
  1. I have the most amazing daughter out of this so not all bad x
OP posts:
Minstrelsaremarvellous · 19/08/2012 05:53

Hi Tilly, it sounds like a rough night for you but you'll get through today. I had similar situation and I remember the sleepless nights.
Your H is a dick.
You are not alone, grab all the help offered and take the coming weeks one step at a time. I'm afraid there's probably more to come but focus on yourself and DD and you will come through this.

GrizzlyFrontBum · 19/08/2012 05:56

He sounds like an utter shit

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 19/08/2012 06:46

Tilly I've logged on this morning to check your thread. I am so sorry that he is seeing someone Sad

Natnat29 · 19/08/2012 07:06

Stay strong Tilly I think for all the reasons you posted you know your doing the right thing

skyebluesapphire · 19/08/2012 07:30

Hi Tilly, I hope you are ok. You have had a big shock and need to look after yourself for your child's sake.

I would have trusted my STBXH with my life however he betrayed me and nobody can believe it.

I bumped a thread last night called the Mid Life Crisis- a guide how to hurt somebody. Many of us have found that they follow this pattern! It may be too early for you to read though.

I am now nearly five months down the road and much further on than I thought I ever would be at the time it happened.

Take care and keep posting for support. PM me if you want a chat.

allgoodindahood · 19/08/2012 07:33

Tilly my exh started sleeping around when our son was v little. I finally found out when baby was 11 months old and I was about 5 months pregnant with our second. It was the most painful experience of my life but I refused to spend one second longer in that sham of a marriage. I am now married to a wonderful Dh who treats my sons as his own and we have a baby daughter too. I'm sorry this has happened to you but you sound so strong and intelligent that you will get thru this for sure. In the weeks to come your dh will probably surprise you by showing just what a dick he can be but just look after yourself and your dd and remember you deserve far far better and will find it one day

PessimisticMissPiggy · 19/08/2012 07:36

Tilly you are amazingly strong. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a strong mother!

futureunknown · 19/08/2012 07:52

I hope you have some support Tilly. Are his parents aware of what their selfish son has done to you and their grandchild?

I hope you and DD are well today. Wishing you strength.

mellowdramatic · 19/08/2012 08:12

I too asked the same when my xh had an affair and left - how can someone who claimed they love you once be so cruel? Mums give so muchof themselves physically and emotionally to raise children and it seems to be so unappreciated by knobs like this. THey are totally selfish.

Having said that if you are going to split you'll have to think how to take care of yourself. If you are going to involve a solicitor try to get one that is going to work for you and not for their own pockets - don't get too confrontational with your ex it only benefits the solicitor.

I'm so angry for you. You'll need to be very strong for the next few weeks - it will get very hard to deal with but you will get through it. Sending you good vibes for whatever you decide to do next x

helicopterview · 19/08/2012 08:13

It's important you take control. He's had it all this time, having a secret life while keeping you in the dark (so he could just slot back into the old life if he wanted).

Get legal advice asap.

Don't agree to childcare arrangements you might regret in a couple of years.

Only see him speak to him if you want to. Otherwise get it all to happen through someone else.

He's toxic, and you don't need his guilt/hurtfulness etc knocking you off your new more positive course. Your life will be a far happier place now, for you and your daughter.

AllOverIt · 19/08/2012 08:18

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been betrayed so badly. you sound lovely, and so strong. I know it seems impossible now, but you will get through this.

KirstyWirsty · 19/08/2012 08:39

Sorry this is happening to you Tilly

Some practical advice i got on here was to gather together important documents e.g. payslips, bank and mortgage details and passports and put them in a safe place .. i took my stuff to my mum's

Also as Skye has said they follow a script.. be prepared for your DH to turn into the worst type of selfish bastard .. refusing to pay for things and making out that it is all your fault.. it is not your fault! He is the selfish prick who left you juggling your baby and sick dad to go off and live in fantasy land...

It will be hard at times but you will come to see you are better off without the lying bastard xx

KirstyWirsty · 19/08/2012 08:42

And PS be assured that now it is out in the open the fantasy won't last.. give it a few months and he will be begging to come back!! I didn't believe that mine would but 6 months almost to the day i discovered the affair he was in tears begging me to give him another chance.. eh NO!!!

Yogagirl17 · 19/08/2012 08:46

I second that Tilly - remember THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

He will try to blame you. No matter how strong you are you may have moments where you doubt yourself. Try not to and remember that he did this. He made a choice. Whatever his reasons for doing it are, whatever he says you did or whatever else may have been going on between the two of you before, he walked away, he betrayed you.

Take care of yourself. xx

Concentrateonthegood · 19/08/2012 08:49

Tilly, so sorry for you. Can only echo what everyone else is saying, the bloke is a shit. My ex also had an affair when my sister was dying. He stayed until afterwards but made my life a misery instead of supporting me through a terrible time. I obviously didn't know about the affair until he left but lots slotted into place once I knew. Bless you and your baby. xx

ErikNorseman · 19/08/2012 09:26

Wow you sound so strong
My advice, even if you decide to give him another chance, do not tell him straight away
Let him leave, let this nonsense with the ow play out and let him think he has lost you. Then he will either be ready to really try to make amends or he won't. If you forgive him too easily he will never put the work in.

Bossybritches22 · 19/08/2012 10:07

Start making lists Tilly Practical things help keep you focused horrible though it seems.

Money- if you have a joint account amke sure he doesn't empty it. IF tyou can clear any credit cards from that account & then transfer exactly half to your own account.

Is you house owned/rented jointly? Who is paying the rent/mortgage. If there is any possiblity of him defaulting let your bank know the situation.

Get your free half hour with a solicitor to see what your options are. Go to several to find one you click with & feel will fight your corner. Sadly however reasonable they say they are going to be often when it comes down to the finances the exes get really nasty.

By seeing these solicitors they cannot act for him either even if you haven't instructed them to proceed!

Get your Child tax credits sorted directly to you & Child benefit if not already. Benefits checker

Contact the council & get your single occupancy discount for Council Tax.

So sorry you have to be dealing with all this and a baby & your poorly parents, do you have any siblings to help you all?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 19/08/2012 11:58

Great advice by Bossybritches and mellowdramatic.

"the fantasy won't last.. give it a few months and he will be begging to come back!!" My ExH 3 years on is still with the OW, I was convinced it wouldn't last as she was at uni and a wee young thing and it is what kept me going in the early days. But he certainly followed the script like every other man Sad

Do whatever it takes to survive right now and do as others have said, try and look after yourself and eat something. Keep talking, we're all here listening x