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Original poster

OH's family

50 replies

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 12:59

My OH's family absolutely hate me and it's causing huge arguments between me and OH.
His family hate me because I stood up to his mum when she started telling OH a load of shit about it.

How can I stop the arguments between me & OH??

OP posts:
izzyizin · 18/08/2012 13:11

What was his dm saying that made you feel the need to stand up to her?

What is your OH's take on the matter? Does he think you were unreasonable and does he support his dm? Does he want you to make peace with his family?

Original poster
Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 13:21

You've probably guessed by my name I'm a nanny to two children. My employers live near her work so quite often wander past during the day. Been with OH for a while when she said to him that I had two kids etc and she doesnt her precious son involved with a single mum - he told her I'm a nanny etc. she was having none of it, insisted the children were mine as they have the same colour hair as me!! She basically bad mouthed me calling me a liar, slut and much worse. I stood up to her after agreeing with OH thats what I would do. I stood up to her and said that unless she stopped all this shit and name calling I would involve the police as its harassment, I could walk past her work without her screeching some comment out the window at me or my charges! I soon stopped walking past. Once I didn't walk past she turned to facebook to carry it on so police investigated harassment, finally stopped and I refused contact even after she aplogised. My thought was she made my working and personal life hell so I don't want any contact at all - OH agreed.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 18/08/2012 13:45

If your OH agrees that you shouldn't have any contact with his dm/family at all, why is it causing arguments between you?

Original poster
Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 13:50

Because she's telling him she's apologised so will be popping round when she wants whether he's there or not. He wants a relationship with his mum which I undesrtand but I've asked him to have that relationship in my home unless I'm away or working etc. the other weekend OH was in when she called in (I was food shopping), she still there when I got back so I asked her to leave immediately. OH told her she don't have to go as this was mum and son and she's welcome in the house.

OP posts:
AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 13:56

Well your oh has a point.
I get where you are coming from, but it his house too.
I can't see how a long term relationship is going to work if you refuse to be in the same room with her ever.
What she did was awful, but unless your oh wants to cut contact this is going to be a major issue.
What about family events, family birthdays, wedding, having children you can't cut her out forever.

Original poster
Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 14:01

Ive never been invited to any of their family events - not even his brothers wedding - I let that one go as I can't his barbie wife,

OP posts:
AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 14:04

But eventually, you will want to.
If you marry, would she be invited? What if you have kids? Will she be allowed to see them. This is a major thing to disagree over.
If he wants a relationship with her, this is going to be difficult.
I know you are hurt, but you maybe being a bit short sighted in this situation.
What's wrong with the brothers wife?

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 14:08

I'm another who can't see how this is going to work in the long term.

What would happen if you and your oh decided to tie the knot? Would it be just your family in attendance? What would happen if you have dc with him? Would his dm/family not be allowed to have contact with them, or to only have contact under certain circumstances such as you not being present or in their homes not yours?

If there's no way that you can find in it your heart to at least listen to his dm's apology and possibly reach some accord which means that he's not torn in two between the women he loves best?

Original poster
Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 14:09

We agreed that if we get married she will be invited to only the evening - don't have to acknowledge her then.

If we have children she can see them with OH in her home

Can't stand his brothers wife as everything has to be about her, and she admitted to OH that she's marrying him for money & because he's in the army so away a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 14:10

There's no forgiving her as I nearly lost my job because of her and it's taken a long time for my employers to trust again

OP posts:
AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 14:12

Yes not inviting her to the wedding, is the way to go.
You do realise that will never happen. He has told you she is welcome in your, shared, house against your wishes.
He will not exclude her from the wedding.
When you have kids, he will tell her she is welcome in your house. He has already said this.

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 14:12

Your oh's dm sounds to be a somewhat unhinged unreasonable creature but that doesn't mean that you should tar all of his family with the same brush.

Wouldn't it be better to reach some accomodation with his dm whereby you and oh can laugh at her excesses and/or not have them be the cause of any friction between you?

If not, I suggest you consider ending this relationship sooner rather than later before it turns into a seething mass of resentments on both sides.

It's a brave woman who comes between her oh and his dm, especially before the ink has dried on a marriage certificate.

Pancakeflipper · 18/08/2012 14:16

You are going to get eaten up with bitterness and anger. I am not saying become buddies with the family but you need to re-do the 'rules' you and your OH have been following cos they are not working.

It doesn't mean you 'lose' if she comes for coffee to see her son at your home, it means you are an adult and know what battles to pick.

You and OH get an evening on neutral territory and talk this through. Both have to listen to each other and compromise. Otherwise you could lose your OH.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 14:17

You also need to realise that when this has gone on 2, 5, 20 years and she has tried to apologise and acted reasonably for that period you will end up looking like you are the bonkers one.
I really think, unless your willing to accept the apology or you oh cuts her out (which he is not) you are setting yourself up for a very difficult life.

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 14:19

I think you're being unrealistic in imagining that inviting his dm to the evening do part of any wedding you enter into with him will mean that you don't have to acknowledge her presence.

As for your 'arrangements' re any future dc... do you not think the dc will wonder why their dgm is non-persona grata in their home and that you never visit her home?

I'm curious to know how her ravings could have led to you losing your job and why it should take your employers a long time to 'trust again'.

Original poster
Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 14:20

I've agreed with OH that she can come round when I'm out but must leave within 5-10mins of me returning - she's aware of that

He doesn't want her at wedding ( if there's one) because of how shes treated me etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 14:25

Nearly lost my job as her work is on the same as mine as a nanny. She use to screech insults etc at me as I'd walk past then progressed onto insulting the children , I was honest with employers explained etc and they wee unsure whether I should be kept on as their children wer being verbally attacked frequently whilst with me. Was made to take 3 weeks unpaid holiday whilst they made a decision and we agreed I'd avoid walking past her work so they took time to trust that I wouldn't do so

OP posts:
AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 14:35

You are your oh are not on the same page regarding this. He has already expressed this by insisting she is welcome in your house.
In, say, 4 years you get married. Do you really think he will be ok with not inviting her because she was mean 5 years ago.
She HAS apologised and you are making yourself look petty by carrying this on to this degree.
I think you need accept you and your oh are not in the same place regarding this. If you were there wouldn't be arguments.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 14:37

What she did was unacceptable, completely.
But I think your employer was over the top to consider getting rid of you because of her. Is that even legal? Also I think you were all over the top to take 3 weeks to decide to walk a different way until it was resolved.

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 14:37

Sounds as if you should have got the police involved earlier.

How sure are you that marrying into your oh's family would be right for you?

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 14:42

On paper this match would have looked so promising. You're a nanny, so is she. You love her ds, so does she.

It would seem you have much in common so why did she take against you in such an unreasonable and hostile manner?

Does she have form? Has she been like this with his previous gfs?

Original poster
Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 14:46

She's been the same with OH previous girlfriends, one involved police on 6/7 occasions. I think she jealous that her son can love someone apart from her.

I don't think that my employers were unreasonable with 3weeks because they needed to make sure that their children were at no harm

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 18/08/2012 14:52

His mother sounds a bit nuts to be honest but I feel you are fanning the flames a bit here Nanny, by keeping up this attitude.
I can appreciate that she will never be top of your list of most popular people but, as others have said, unless you can find a way to be civil to each other (you don't have to be her best friend) then this does not bode well for your relationship.
You have said that it is causing huge arguments between the 2 of you.
Your original question was:
"How can I stop the arguments between me and OH?"
You have to let go of the anger and resentment you feel towards his mother.
That doesn't mean that she was right in acting as she did and you were wrong. It simply means that you are choosing to move on from all that childish behaviour.
She's tried holding out the olive branch to you so be grown up and take it.
Whether you like it or not she will always be your OH's mother. If you continue as you are, you may not always be his OH.
It's your call.

Clytaemnestra · 18/08/2012 14:55

Although I'm not really sure why you would walk past her work more than once really, if you knew she was waiting to give you a mouthful, I think the only advice is to cut your losses.

You either forgive her and agree with your OH that any further escalation from her means that you BOTH cut her off, or you dump your OH now. Because this halfway hous isn't working for any of you and if you did manage to do the wedding where she was only invited to the evening ceremony then she is almost guaranteed to turn up at the ceremony and wreck the whole thing.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 14:55

Well I think its unreasonable to suspend and employee without pay for 3 weeks because they are a victim of a crime.
The thing is, if she has always been like this and he still wants to be involved with her. There isn't much you can do. He will keep pushing the boundaries you put in place. In a few months she will be there 30 minutes after you arrive home. Then an hour.
You are not on the same page with oh. I know you think you are but you really don't seem that you are.