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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH's family

50 replies

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 12:59

My OH's family absolutely hate me and it's causing huge arguments between me and OH.
His family hate me because I stood up to his mum when she started telling OH a load of shit about it.

How can I stop the arguments between me & OH??

OP posts:

Original poster

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 15:02

I had to walk past her work as its the only way out of the road, I now exit through the back garden gate and leg it down the alley to the next road along.

I accepted her apology but don't trust her not to start again, have seen texts on OH phone from her saying leave the lying bitch etc etc and that was after her 'apology'. Which is why im not having contact and police advised that

OP posts:

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 15:05

How long has this been going on for? When did the police put an end to her harassment of you?

Original poster

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 15:08

All kicked off about 18months ago, police advised no contact about 5 weeks ago

OP posts:

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 15:09

You haven't accepted the apology really though.
If its still carrying on, why is your oh still wanting to see her.
He doesn't take this as seriously as you. He is accepting his mums behaviour.

Original poster

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 15:11

I think he's scared to cut contact as shes very controlling and would turn on him

OP posts:

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 15:12

Are you saying that she's been harassing/haranguing you for 18 months and the police only became involved 5 weeks ago, or that they advised no contact because you went back to them when you saw the texts from her on his phone?

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 15:14

Would your oh be willing to move some considerable distance away from his dm?

If not, I can't see that your relationship with him is going to work in the long time and you are best advised to get out now before it ends in more tears and recriminations.

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 15:14

long term not time!

Original poster

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 15:14

Police were involved after 2 months of her starting. She carried on despite police being aware as they said not enough evidence. All quietened down after 7months then about 5 months ago she started again with the texts so informed police and they advised no contact

OP posts:

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 15:15

But why does it matter if he is not in contact.
He needs to tell her that her behaviour toward you is unacceptable and any further instances will result in him cutting contact, at least for a while.
you don't seem willing to accept your ohs part in this. By carrying on as normal held is telling her that this is Ok.
I think she is bonkers, but your main problem is you oh.

Original poster

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 15:16

We thought about moving and decided it would work - looking for affordable place now,
I don't want to tell her where we have moved to not sure on OH's opinion though

OP posts:

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 15:18

Is it harrasment, if she is texted her son? Wouldn't he have to feel harrased?

Original poster

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 15:18

She's told OH that she will not lose her son over some slut, he lost it with her then and had a go at her and refused to speak/communicate in anyway for about 4 weeks

OP posts:

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 15:19

you need to be sure on your ohs opinion. I have a feeling he will make a reason to not love so far or tell her before you move.

NarkedRaspberry · 18/08/2012 15:19

So he doesn't want her at any wedding but is quite happy to have her visit and doesn't think she should leave when you come home???

I'll bet that he changes his tune if you ever got round to picking a date.

Your problem is with him.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 15:21

So does he stand up to her or is he scared as you keep posting conflicting information.

Original poster

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 15:22

He doesn't want her at a wedding because he feels it's my day so I shouldn't have to put up with her and her unneeded comments

OP posts:

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 15:23

It seems to be that your oh should have taken steps to cut the ties that bind and curb his dm's excesses long before he met you.

Moving won't work unless your oh is on the same page in relation to not telling his dm where he's living and in having only occasional phone contact with her at Christmas, birthdays, and other significant dates until she's got it through her head that she doesn't call the shots in his life or his relationships.

If you are going to move it will have to be a considerable distance away from your/her current location.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 15:23

I don't get this you said you have had 4 week no contact as she called you a slut, then the 'other week' she dropped in at the weekend and you oh wouldn't ask her to leave because its his house too?
Doesn't make sense, he cut contact for a short period and then that turned into him standing against you and going back on the agreement.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 15:26

Nanny seriously, has he not proved he doesn't stick by the agreements you make.
I think you are so focused hating his family, you are missing his part in this and seeing he is causing alot of this. His current behaviour is a good indicator of his future behaviour.
I am 100% certain, he will not stand by the wedding promise.

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 15:27

It's not just your 'day', it's your evening too and you won't want any bad fairies turning up at any time of the day or night.

But as Clytaemnestra has said, unless you manage to marry in secret, the chances are she'll turn up at the ceremony and wreck the whole event.

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 15:38

If you intend to have dc with this man you need to know that he'll be in your corner and will stand by you through thick and thin.

I'm not advocating that he cuts his dm out of his life for all eternity, but he needs to make it clear to her that he's voting with his feet until such time as she can see the error of her ways and gives an appropriate undertaking to desist from any further interference in his relationship with you.

To discover whether he's got the ability to grow some curb his dm's excesses, you need to give him an ultimatum, namely, it's your way or the highway for him.

And mean it, honey, because life's far too short to tolerate this kind of crap.

Original poster

Nannyto2 · 18/08/2012 15:44

He cut contact for 4weeks then called in unexpected when I was out as she had to talk to him. I think he's trying to please both of us but it's not working. He has very little contact with her because of how she treats me and his ex's. Funnily enough she's never had any problems with his brothers wives/gf - the sun shines out of their arses

OP posts:

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 15:49

Which only goes to prove that she can be civlised when she wants to be but, for some reason, she doesn't want to be civilised towards you.

He needs to get off the fence. For the time being it has to be either you or her. Let him make his choice and let him go if he doesn't unequivocably choose you.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 15:55

Look she isn't going to change.
Why after cutting contact did he do an about turn and fall out with you about her being in the house.
He needs to decide. You and him need an agreement on how to deal with her and HE needs to stick to it.
He can't keep you both happy and by allowing her in and falling out with you he is saying 'its ok to treat my gf like a piece of shit'.
Is that ok with you?

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