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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devious husband ! What should I do?

54 replies

Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 04:32

I have written on mumsnet recently that I had concerns that my DH was hiding finances from me. So having listened to all the fab advice I received on here I started delving and searching. End result - discovered my fears were well founded as he had secretly set up a Ltd company which his mother was director of plus a business account to go with it !! ( also in her name , he is discharged bankrupt and still can't get bank account in his own name ).
He has a Ltd company that I am aware of plus bank account t for that one as he is an IT consultant and has to have a Ltd company to get contracts.
I felt sick to the stomach when I discovered this other company that I had absolutely no knowledge of. I was adamant to find out more and through trail and error I managed to access his files via some file sharing software he installed on our computers.
He scans every single letter, receipt, invoice,bank statement etc so now I have complete financial and documentary evidence that he did this.
He thought I would never see his files as he prob thinks I am clueless how to access them!
This
' secret' company and bank account were totally kept secret from me. All post to do with it went to his mothers address.they kept the business and bank account active for approx 2 yrs. it was only dissolved this May.
I confronted him and he says it was to avoid VAT threshold and when I ask why it all kept from me he says that it is because I am not interested in these things!,

I am really mad as I think he was hiding money from me as during the time he set it up we were going through a bad patch. Any advice gratefully received...

OP posts:
AgathaFusty · 18/08/2012 07:30

I didn't see your other thread, so don't know what other finances he may have been hiding from you.

How is your relationship generally? Are you happy and back on track now? Have you been together for long, do you have children?

springydaffs · 18/08/2012 07:55

erm that's a major betrayal of trust imo. As pp says, what is your relationship like generally? what a shock for you Sad

Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 11:08

We used to have joint bank account, but he went bankrupt in 2009 when property business collapsed. Since then we have had separate accounts. He has got more and more secretive, never lets me see his bank accounts, I have no way of accessing them or money in them.He knows I have been very unhappy with this arrangement for a long time and I constantly have to ' demand' that he gives me access to them as I don't understand why he so secretive but he just sulks and I still never get access.

Like most couples, we have arguments but mostly to do with this subject, plus he will not move to a house where I would be happier. We rent because he can't get a mortgage and he works abroad in the week and I am left here in a big old house in the middle of the countryside - couldn't sleep last night because I get scared, hear noises and worry someone is breaking in

Been married over 10 years

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Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 11:12

Forgot to say - he lied about what he earns, had my suspicions it was a lot more than he tells me and confirmed it when I accessed his computer files and saw his invoices to company he works for. He actually earns double to what he insisted to me he gets !!!

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Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 11:16

Oh and we have 2 children plus my son from previous

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AgathaFusty · 18/08/2012 11:29

This doesn't sound good. He clearly sees himself as somewhat separate to you and the children, and I guess if he works abroad during the week, that separation is physical and emotional to an extend, as well as financial.

You are married though, so 'his' money is not actually 'his' money at all, but joint matrimonial money. Do you work? How do you access the money he earns - does he move some into your account regularly or do you have to ask for money?

janesnowdon1 · 18/08/2012 11:33

Your DH is being financially abusive. I am going through a similar scenario myself atm along with P having the mother of all midlife crisises - so you have my sympathy. You have done brilliantly discovering what he has been up to. It is time to get some legal advice about where you stand - phone a local family lawyer (maybe through the resolution website) also check with CAB and online with directgov what you would be entitled to if you needed to leave -you may not intend to, but its good to know all your options.

Your DH is controlling your family by making you stay in an isolated house you all hate. Tell him since he is only there at weekends that you are moving into town and giving notice on the rental (is the tenancy in his name?). He has broken the trust in the relationship. You need to get tough -he will control you as much as he can through his sense of entitlement.

You are married so if you have evidence of his secret money you should be able to get half if you decide to split.

Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 11:37

Yes, he transfers money once a month. He actually puts it through the company as payroll as a tax dodge. I regularly run out and have to ask for more which I dread because he always makes it difficult and says he gave me money and he hasn't got any more etc.
I don't work, I have studied for a diploma last year ( and got A ! :-) and have set up my own business but it is very slow in business building up.
All this deceit he and his mother have done behind my back really did make my stomach churn when I found out.

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AgathaFusty · 18/08/2012 11:40

You need to tread carefully. As he has a limited company, he will be able to manouvre money to suit himself, which may result in him only paying you a very minimal amount of maintenance if you do split. If you could get hold of his accounts, you may be in a stronger position, but still they will only tell you what the company earns, not what he actually takes out of it in the form of PAYE wages. I assume that he pays his mother a 'wage' which he probably accesses, since he can't have a bank account in his own name? Obviously, if that is the case, you wouldn't have any claim on that money.

You need to do a bit of sleuthing, but be very careful about telling him what you find out, or that you are checking up on him.

Fairenuff · 18/08/2012 11:40

I agree with jane. If you do nothing, nothing will change. Why does he get to dictate where you live?

AgathaFusty · 18/08/2012 11:42

Can you get work, based on your fantastic diploma results? Is there anything locally? If there aren't jobs locally, would there be if you moved to a town/city? And if so, would he accept that as a good reason to move?

AgathaFusty · 18/08/2012 11:44

I wonder also, if he doesn't have a bank account, how does he pay himself a wage, or dividend from the company?

Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 11:47

Thanksjanesnowdon1. At the time he set up this ' secret company ' I had actually tried calling his bluff and set about renting a house ( nice and modern one ) in a village with lots of neighbours around. This is why I am sure he set this up along with the bank account as I think he was hiding his money in it so should he go to court re maintainance he would only produce bank account etc that he knew I was aware of.
He refused to move into the house right up until I signed the rental agreement. After I signed he decided to change his mind and said he wanted to move in with us !! One problem with this though was that we have a dog and dogs were not allowed which he knew. So I looked like a total Pratt having to explain to the estate agent that I couldn't now go ahead . The agent actually said to me on the phone at the time ' your bloody husband ! .

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CinnabarRed · 18/08/2012 11:48

The VAT threshold scheme is dodgy too - something the Revenue would be even more interested in than the payroll tax evasion. You have him by the short-and-curlies on those two points alone.

Good luck taking him to the cleaners!

fizzybeerandsausages · 18/08/2012 11:49

I remember your previous thread and as others have said this is financial abuse. In your shoes I would be speaking to a solicitor and an accountant (if possible) to get legal advice and an understanding of whether there is anything dodgy (besides the obvious of lying to you) about all the set ups. I would also be keeping my powder dry and not letting on to him about what you plan to do. You need a plan to protect yourself and your children.

Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 11:52

I am fed up with him dictating where we live fairenuff. It is an ongoing argument. I honestly think that the only way I will get to live where I want is by leaving him which is obviously my last resort .

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Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 11:56

Agathafusty - he has a business account but not a personal account. I did however walk into the office when he was phoning his bank a few weeks ago. He had it on speaker phone ( didn't know I was around ) .he was going through the security questions and the bank guy asked if there was a second signaturey on the account to which he replied yes and gave my step fathers name !!!
Naturally when the call finished I quizzed him on this and all he could say was that he doesn't understand why or how my step fathers name is second signaturey . Very bad I think

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CinnabarRed · 18/08/2012 11:58

And if he's invoicing £250k per annum plus from the company you know of, he's massively above the VAT threshold anyhow. I suspect he's involved in wholesale tax avoidance. That's illegal.

Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 12:00

CinnabarRed you are right ! I think he is probably a bit worried now that I have all this info. I have everything. I managed to copy them all to my computer and I then saved it all on a memory stick. Everything - bank statements, vat stuff, his contract stating his daily rate etc.

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Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 12:06

Agathafusty,For my work all the majority of companies are based in London or other major cities around globe. I have pointed out to him that if I want to work for one of these companies then we may have to move nearer to London and he basically laughed and said he hates that part of the world and there is no way he is moving there. He said I would have to work away like he does. Reminded him that we do actually have children and he said get an au pair !!

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izzyizin · 18/08/2012 12:26

Joining the dots reveals a picture of him having been up to considerably more than simple subterfuge to keep his finances hidden from your view.

It seems to me that she who has the goods on him gets to call the shots and it's time for you to lay down a few laws that he can't evade.

I also suggest you back up that memory stick with another and keep them in separate safe places, such as one buried in the garden and one in a solictor's office/bank safe.

Original poster
Shrewdone · 18/08/2012 12:37

Haha thanks izzyizin. I do like your style :-)
How do I copy from one memory stick to another ? He saw that I had accessed his files and he moved them back off my computer to his so the only copies I have are on that stick and some I painfully managed to move to my iPad. And believe me that was painful ! Actually had to get kindle app and store documents on there !

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tribpot · 18/08/2012 12:47

Isn't there something morally dubious about the fact he declared bankruptcy 3 years ago but appears to be awash with cash now? (And actively hiding it). I don't know a great deal about bankruptcy but do his former creditors not have any claim on his apparently newly-found wealth?

I'd put them further out of his reach by uploading them to something like Google Docs. If you set up a Google account with extra security and a really strong password, there's little chance he can get hold of them. They will also then be accessible on your iPad should you need them. You could also use an online backup service like Backblaze.

Why is it possible for him to delete files off your computer? Make sure you have the only admin account and change your passwords as necessary. But keeping them where he can't get to them by brute force is better.

AgathaFusty · 18/08/2012 13:14

tribpot it won't be him that's awash with cash, but the limited company he is MD of. How he chooses to access the money in the ltd co isn't clear, it sounds as though he has his mother (?) as an employee, also the OP, and maybe others, perhaps OPs step-dad, so he will probably be taking at least a minimal wage under the guise of paying them. He is being devious, obviously. This is why is will be very difficult for Shrewdone to get any kind of fair settlement in the event of divorce, because on paper, he can show as having very little money, just working for a solvent ltd co.

janesnowdon1 · 18/08/2012 13:20

Copying memory sticks - you should have a least 2 usb slots on your computer, put in both sticks, open the files you need on stick one and drag onto stick 2.

Do you think you want to stay with DH? If you do explain how things will have to change and make a list of exactly the disclosure he needs to give you. I do know how difficult it can be - financially abusive men are very slippery. If you think you might want to leave - keep your powder dry and do what the other posters say and build up your evidence. I feel for you Shrewdone and also remember your previous thread - I know he is keeping you short of money but try to build up a fighting fund if you can.

Were are partners eperated at birth? Mine has fallen out with estate agents, solicitors, bosses etc - its stressful. I have found getting legal advice has helped and also as I have no one in Rl I could trust with all my problems I have talked to a counsellor to give me moral support and to help formulate action plans.