Devious husband ! What should I do?

[Shrewdone]

I have written on mumsnet recently that I had concerns that my DH was hiding finances from me. So having listened to all the fab advice I received on here I started delving and searching. End result - discovered my fears were well founded as he had secretly set up a Ltd company which his mother was director of plus a business account to go with it !! ( also in her name , he is discharged bankrupt and still can't get bank account in his own name ).
He has a Ltd company that I am aware of plus bank account t for that one as he is an IT consultant and has to have a Ltd company to get contracts.
I felt sick to the stomach when I discovered this other company that I had absolutely no knowledge of. I was adamant to find out more and through trail and error I managed to access his files via some file sharing software he installed on our computers.
He scans every single letter, receipt, invoice,bank statement etc so now I have complete financial and documentary evidence that he did this.
He thought I would never see his files as he prob thinks I am clueless how to access them!
This
' secret' company and bank account were totally kept secret from me. All post to do with it went to his mothers address.they kept the business and bank account active for approx 2 yrs. it was only dissolved this May.
I confronted him and he says it was to avoid VAT threshold and when I ask why it all kept from me he says that it is because I am not interested in these things!,

I am really mad as I think he was hiding money from me as during the time he set it up we were going through a bad patch. Any advice gratefully received...

I found this book helped me understand my P's behaviour. www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Hate-Women-Love-Them/dp/0553381415#_

Shrew, are you the one your dh has registered as taking a wage from the company and you found out he earned twice as much as you thought?

Hi tribot. Once you are discharged from bankruptcy that is the end of it. All debts are wiped clear - a clean slate although it is not really because it is still marked on credit agency files for 6 years, meaning hard to get credit,mortgage etc. the money is basically what he earns. He works in IT and has worked his way up to a high daily rate of pay.
He has access to my computer as he set everything up on it ( he bought it ) and he put sharing software on it, which ultimately was his downfall as I worked out how to transfere these files to my laptop and view them.

I see you are.
From the other thread it was clear him and his mum had done it so he could pay less maintenance if the split went ahead.
you have all the info, are you leaving him like you wanted to before?

he is completely detached from you and the family. He only thinks about him and how money effects him.
He is also putting you in a vulnerable position regarding fraud.

Shrewdone, if you have administrator rights on your PC you can change the password and effectively block him from being able to make changes to your documents.

Tribpot, funnily enough I tried to change my password on my laptop and it came up with some message telling me that I couldn't as some disc needed inserting. I will fire up my laptop and try again and see what happens exactly.
I did ask bring it up with him that I tried renewing my password and that this message came up and asked him what he thought it meant as in the past it was a simple exercise changing the password. He was driving at the time and started rubbing his eye which he does when he is nervous or awkward and said he doesn't know and doesn't have a clue.

I'd take your laptop to an independent pc repair shop, and ask them to a) check your laptop for keyloggers etc, and b) back up that memory stick onto discs - a couple of copies.

They'll be able to set it up so your DH can't access your laptop any more.

I'd personally then inform inland revenue and find myself a rottweiller of a solicitor.

Ok, fired up laptop and clicked on reset password and it says ....this feature requires removable media, such as a floppy disk or USB flash drive.please insert a floppy disk or connect a USB flash drive and try again....

Can anyone tell me if this is normal or should I be concerned that DH has done something so I can't change my password ??

Mine doesn't.

Agilchrist I am very unsure at this stage what to do to be honest. Some days I think I would be better off without him and then other days I think hang on in there - at least until we get a home of our own again so that me and the kids would have that security.

A bit like this, Shrewdone?

If he works in IT it's extremely unlikely he doesn't know, or couldn't find out easily enough. (I work in IT, I know feck all about PC account administration really - that was the top hit on Google for 'change password insert disk').

He now knows you have (had) potentially very incriminating evidence about him. I would be quite careful about saying too much more about specifics until you know if the device you're MNing from is actually secure. (I don't want to put you off posting of course, but apart from anything else, Mumsnet is a public website).

Janesnowdon1 thanks I will look that book up

Thanks tribpot, I am using my iPad which I have set up a password on but deep down unfortunately I still don't feel 100 percent safe.
Prob easiest is to get myself new computer, but still, how would that prevent him using some keylogger software on that? I have read up on this software and it is so easy to get remote access/ set it up and apparently untraceable.

What should you do?

Go and see a solicitor. For the love of all that is good HIDE the memory stick and DONT tell anyone where it is hidden.

Do you really want to stay with someone so controlling and someone who lies to your face?

I have hidden the stick but very aware that I really need backup copies. I am useless when it comes to computers which is exactly what he thought and I doubt he ever imagined that I would find his files :-)
I do not like being lied to and cheated and controlled but I do not want to go/ divorce unless I know I will have all the amo I will need. Also very reluctant to split because Of kids

I would do as SarahStratton says, get the laptop seen to by a local computer shop. He should not be able to install anything on to it if he doesn't know the administrator password but you need to take some proper advice on this, and preferably in a way that he can't be tracing (he doesn't need a keylogger to be reading this thread, for example, he would only need to know you posted on MN). Getting a new computer wouldn't help unless you set it up yourself and refuse to give him the password for it; you might as well do that on the current one as spend x hundred quid advertising to him the fact you don't want him to be able to access your laptop!

How would he find me on mumsnet ?

Bankruptcy law is not my field but I don't believe it's true to say that bankrupts have no obligation whatsoever to their creditors, or that creditors cannot make claims against defaulters further down the line should any defaulter appear to be in funds again.

I seem to recall that there was some talk of new rules being introduced whereby bankrupts would be required to forfeit any disposable income they earned/accrued for a period of 3 years, not that this seems to have any impact on the Grant Boveys of this world.

No doubt there are a few forensic accountants in the broad church that is mumsnet. Perhaps a post on the Legal matters board might shine some more light on what he's been, and is still, up to because, whatever it is, I think we can safely assume he's been up to no good and has a lot to hide.

Shrewd - assuming he isn't keylogging you or doing something as mundane as sneaking a peek at your iPad whilst you're not looking, he could just search Mumsnet for terms he thinks you might use, like 'secret bank account'. Remember, all threads except for some particular parts of the site (which I will not name on this thread, nor should anyone else) come up in Google searches so he could simply be reading your posts like I am or like anyone who finds the site could. Does he know you use MN? In other words, would he have any reason to go looking?

To be honest, I don't think I'd be massively concerned yet as he's relying on you not to be very tech- (or finance) savvy, otherwise he wouldn't have showed his hand by removing the files back off your laptop. He could have emptied the content of each file so you thought you still had copies of them, the pillock. But you do need to get that memory stick backed up - PC World can probably do it for you (I think) but honestly I would get the info backed up online where it will be far harder for him to remove all copies. Put the memory stick beyond his reach completely.

I have had to endure his bankruptcy with him and the whole point of bankruptcy is that the slate is wiped clean after.that may not seem fair to a creditor but neither would it be fair to penalise the bankrupt for the rest of their life.
My parents lost over 100k when he went bankrupt and his own mother about 60k. Very sad especially as my parents are in heir 70s and struggling to pay their mortgage.

you need to get your laptop secured by a professional - get them to save any important stuff onto an external hard drive and wipe the laptop clean. and make a secure password login
get them to check for log traces and keyloggers and any spyware that might have been installed by your H.

get them to clear off any network (other than internet) and any shared bits.

the external harddrive you can hide and keep separate.

It does mean that after that you can't access any of his drives, so you must get as much evidence as you can now, load it onto those memory sticks and keep them hidden.

May I say his own mother would appear to have been somewhat compensated for her previous losses?

I'm slightly amazed you're not more outraged that there is clearly plenty of dosh sloshing about but your parents are down 100K and you're being kept short of funds monthly ... but I have no intention of trying to have a go at you about that, Shrewdone, you are clearly in a horrible situation. You posted for advice when you started this thread - what kind of advice were you looking for? It could be:

• how do I (a) secure my own laptop against intrusion and (b) gather sufficient evidence against my DH so that if I choose to divorce I am in a stronger position?
• am I unreasonable to regard his behaviour as dubious at best and morally indefensible at worst? (Answer, btw, is 'no you are not unreasonable')
• how do I find a way to live with this situation so that my children are not subjected to a divorce?

As I understood it, the rule was to be that bankrupts would be required hand over any income over and above their essential living expenses and something in the region of £10 per week or month pocket money for a period of 3 years.

In any event, he's been flush while your dps have been struggling and that does not suggest that he's a man of honour who became down on his luck through no fault of his own.

Izzyizin let's face it the systems in this country are rubbish to some extent. People duck and dive and get away with murder ! My DH is unfortunately not a man of honour and I cannot trust him anymore for sure.