Should I compromise?

[notscaredofspiders]

I have name changed for this, but I'm sure people in RL will recognise my situation.

Bit of background info:

Last year I became pregnant with my beautiful DD after a fling with my now ex-partner. I knew ex for about five years prior to this as we have mutual friends. I was on the rebound and unsure about having a serious relationship with him. After failed contraception I decided to continue with the pregnancy. Ex was supportive of my decision and had strong feelings for me. I had (still do) strong feelings for him but we couldn't agree on most things so I thought we were incompatible. To cut a long story short, we have broken up twice and our DD is only 4 months.

I am in my mid-twenties and ex is in his early thirties. He is also from a different culture. I don't think this is entirely relevant.

The main issue was that I live in a one bedroom flat that I own with DD. My ex rents a studio flat. Initially my ex was going to move into my flat, but after a trial week he found the journey to work too stressful when coupled with unsocial able hours. So he suggested that we rent a two bedroom flat halfway between our workplaces as a mortgage isn't feasible for us at the moment. However, I am worried that I will take a step backwards if I rent. Also, a few of my family members said that it shows a lack of commitment from his side.

We have other issues but this, I feel, is the main problem. We are trying to sort things out after a rocky split. Am I being unrealistic in my expectations like ex has said? Has anyone else been in this situation?

I have never been in your situation but I would not give up mine and my childs security to rent with a man who I have a rocky drama filled relationship.

Living together will not be easy whether your relationship is amazing or rocky.

I think leaving aside issues of ownership and renting for a moment, it doesn't really sound like you moving in together is the best idea right now. You've broken up twice in the very recent past, why would you actually want to move in? I somehow doubt this is going to improve matters greatly.

If you did decide to go ahead, you wouldn't have to sell your place, you could keep it and rent it out (this is not a stress-free occupation, I have to say) - which would enable you to retain some security in the, frankly, rather likely event of you splitting up again. It does not sound like it would be sensible for you to give up your current flat, whether or not you live in it.

Personally, I think this all just sounds like too much work when you have a 4-month-old to deal with. Cut yourself some slack; explore your relationship with him if that seems like the right thing to do, but don't make any sudden moves right now.

If I were you I would stay in my flat and keep the relationship going for a while longer with him staying at weekends until I was sure it was a goer. If it's not right and you have sold your flat you will be screwed. Of course you could rent your flat out for 6 months and give it s try?

Thank you for your straight forward advice.
Yes I do not want to rush into things bearing in mind our past attempts.

I think I worry that my ex doesn't take me seriously, like his needs are more important than mine. He tries to convince me that my thoughts and feelings are 'wrong'. While I may be a hormonal wreck sometimes, I don't think it's always about right or wrong. Is it? I want him to acknowledge my feelings and respect them. It seems like he thinks he has to approve whether they are valid feelings.

Sorry if I've gone off on a tangent.

Trib is right.

Your past history with this person is not good and rather unlikely to succeed.

IIWY I would keep things the way they are and concentrate on your beautiful DD. If he really is serious about you and your DD things will work out.

Taking the risk of selling your flat is way too much considering your history with him, even renting it out leaves you quite vulnerable as you cant just turf the tennants out as and when you want so you could be left homeless or at least in a very awkward position.

Don't try to reconcile with your ex. Don't move. If he wants to move to be closer to your daughter that's up to him.

I echo the advice above, don't move and absolutely do not sell your flat. This sounds way too unstable at the moment to take the next step. Your DD is better off with you as bf/gf in separate homes than trying to live together and it all going tits up.

Your later post about him trying to convince you your thoughts and feelings are wrong rings big alarm bells for me. He sounds manipulative about the living arrangements. How bad was his commute??? For context when I moved in with DH and dss, my commute became 2hrs each way - I did this willingly for about 10 months, how did he not know the commute was bad before moving and sorry, but sounds a bit feeble to stick it for just a week! I also worked antisocial hours.

Don't move in together.

In my opinion, a couple should only start to live together when they have had a stable relationship going on for some time (am probably a bit old-fashioned ). You haven't. Moving in under your present circumstances is going to be stressful for you, complicated financially if you split (which seems quite likely at the moment), and if you manage to rumble on together unsatisfactorily for a year or two, is quite likely going to be an unhealthy environment for your daughter.

The commute was about 2 hours, but there is often heavy traffic on this route.

There is no way I would sell my flat straight away. I would have to move out eventually as DD would need her own room. Although this is not in the immediate future.

I think being bf/gf is the best way forward. I just don't want the pressure of having to move in straight away or him given me ultimatums. I want it to progress as naturally as possible and just enjoy being with each other and DD. He wants to move things on a lot faster because we have DD, he's in is thirties and not married. He was hurt that I wanted to move a lot slower as he wants us to settle down.

He wants you to settle down on his terms, notscared. I'm not sure he's that bothered about what you want - your thoughts are 'wrong', remember?

Personally I can't see why you would want to have a relationship with him at all, but if you feel you want to (not that you must, certainly not for your dd's sake) then keep him at arm's length and try and enjoy things for a while.

I know you're right Trib. I just want it to work, but not at the cost of 'losing' myself.

I understand why you want this to work. One of the hardest parts of being a single parent is letting go of the dream of 'the perfect family'. It can be hard knowing you will never experience watching your grown up child go off to university while holding the hand of your child's other parent and shedding a tear on his shoulder, for example. Knowing that even if you have another successful relationship with a man who comes to care deeply for your child, it will never be quite the same. It's a grieving process that every single parent has to go through in order to parent well. You will eventually reach a point where you become proud of the fact that you are doing this by yourself, and well.

Once you realise that, you will also realise that hanging on to an unstable relationship for the wrong reasons is a very bad idea that will hurt all of you. As it is, this man has so many red flags I'd advise you to steer well clear even if there were no children involved. IMO you would be crazy to risk giving up your security and moving in with this man.

There is no reason at all why he can't be an excellent, hands-on and committed father without being your partner or living with you both.

"He tries to convince me that my thoughts and feelings are 'wrong'...I want him to acknowledge my feelings and respect them. It seems like he thinks he has to approve whether they are valid feelings."

Keep your independence, love.

This is not a kind or respectful man whom you can have a true partnership with.

Thank you for taking the time to give me thoughtful advice. It is sometimes harder to see things clearly when you're in it iyswim.

Can I just say that the cultural difference or background can be very telling, as you have already stated that you ideas and thoughts are apparantly wrong in his eyes.

I think you risk being undermined and your self confidence eroded over time, it might be hormones, but to be honest you suggesting red flags, and I suspect your gut instincts are now kicking in, and your only half listening to them.

let him be a dad , but to be honest I wouldnt chase a relationship with him at present. I wouldnt be contemplating uo rooting myself and a a new baby to make things easier for anyone, let him come to you if thats what he wants, but youve alread hinted at more issues, and I suspect once youve written them down they will become more real, once weve finished commenting on them.

It seems to me your gut instinct is telling you to keep your flat. Trust your instincts, they are there to protect you. There would be plenty of time for you and him to get somewhere together later - or even for him to change jobs so you as a new mother can stay settled and happy.

I think I should have followed advice given on here but I did not and I feel even more confused. I am still at my place with DP staying when he is not working. I am not sure if I should continue the relationship. DP is a doting father and very hands on with DD when he is around. He works hard in his job. He can be caring and sweet. He sometimes helps out with the housework. However, he can be argumentative ( although we communicate better than before) and he is still insistent on living close to his work place has he cannot cope with long commutes. He will not budge on this.
So if I want to live with him we have to move closer to his job. To be fair the house prices are cheaper in his area, but I would have to commute to my job or move jobs. As I have said previously, I would need to move eventually anyway. I just have reservations because I feel that I am sacrificing more than him and scared that I could lose what little I have achieved. Am I making it sound like a competition? I think I am buying into the potential of the relationship, but my mum thinks it would be better if we all lived together.
Do I need to give it more time? The thing is he is more ready for a bigger commitment and I am still unsure. There are moments when I am happy and I think it would work. I am going around in circles and it is not fair on anyone. I feel like my life is in limbo. I know I am part to blame for the situation I am in but I don?t want it to get any worse. Is the answer really so simple? Do I just end it because I don?t want to move? I think what I am asking if this is "typical" relationship issues or if I am way off the mark?

FFS don't live with this man. He wants sex on tap and his dinner cooked, and he would also quite like you to give up your flat so you are in a disadvantaged position. Is 'different culture' a euphemisim for 'thinks women are men's servants' by any chance? Because it certainly sounds like it. He wants to be the Top Dog with the Big Dick, and if you don't keep him at arm's length he's going to mess you up.

I suspect that the 'different culture' is the reason for your incompatibility w and, notwithstanding the fact that he fathered your dd and is a hands on father when he is around, you are incompatible with him and will remain so until he's ground you down and made you over into his idea of what a dp/dw/dm should be.

You saw fit to ignore the previous advice you were given and I sincerely hope that you won't be so shortsighted ignore the advice you are going to get over the course of the next day or two.

FWIW, you should not place any great reliance on your dm's opinions or seek to live your life to please her.

No, these are definitely not typical relationship issues.

But these -

• my ex doesn't take me seriously, like his needs are more important than mine
• He tries to convince me that my thoughts and feelings are 'wrong'
• He wants to move things on a lot faster

• I am going around in circles.... I feel like my life is in limbo. I know I am part to blame for the situation...

are very typical problems in a controlling, or abusive relationship.

So please, don't give it more time, and don't commit formally to him or you will step into a nightmare.

IMO it's time to cut your losses. Remove this man who gives you only moments when you are happy, and make room for a lovely man who relaxes you, loves you, and makes you happy in every way.

There are men like that, and you can find one OP.

He wants to move closer to his job, and that will leave you with a longer commute to yours?
Stay where you are, tell him to go ahead and move. H e sounds like a bit of a bully, he wants what he wants, and sod what you need.

I thought that maybe I was being paranoid, but that's clearly not the case.

I don't know what I am going to do next. He will not make this easy on me at all. He would use DD to try to make my life harder. I am now dreading the confrontation. As I said he can be very argumentative and will play on my insecurities. I know this now. I'm just not sure how to go about this with as minimal stress as possible.

What different culture is he from? Don't underestimate this aspect.

I really don't want to give too much away, but if you think it will help, he raised in West Africa.

I've discussed this with him before and he has said he is not a misogynist as he is being supportive even though he is not happy with our living arrangement. This worries me as I think he wants to completely turn things around once he has the chance to do so. Then I just think I'm being paranoid and maybe he had good intentions.

I've recently (last night, there's a thread) broken up with a man from North Africa. During one lively discussion I said "I'm a British woman!" and it became a running joke. I said it in the context of;

1. I have male friends and I want to see them socially
2. I have a job and want to be free to do it
3. I don't want to do ALL the cooking and housework
4. I have an opinion on many and varied things and wish to express it
5. Just because I was born here and have a job doesn't mean I am rich

Are any of these things issues in your relationship? I'm as right-on as you like and above any notions about humans being any more different than they are the same but I have learned some very interesting things about the links between religion and culture.