Should I compromise?

[notscaredofspiders]

I have name changed for this, but I'm sure people in RL will recognise my situation.

Bit of background info:

Last year I became pregnant with my beautiful DD after a fling with my now ex-partner. I knew ex for about five years prior to this as we have mutual friends. I was on the rebound and unsure about having a serious relationship with him. After failed contraception I decided to continue with the pregnancy. Ex was supportive of my decision and had strong feelings for me. I had (still do) strong feelings for him but we couldn't agree on most things so I thought we were incompatible. To cut a long story short, we have broken up twice and our DD is only 4 months.

I am in my mid-twenties and ex is in his early thirties. He is also from a different culture. I don't think this is entirely relevant.

The main issue was that I live in a one bedroom flat that I own with DD. My ex rents a studio flat. Initially my ex was going to move into my flat, but after a trial week he found the journey to work too stressful when coupled with unsocial able hours. So he suggested that we rent a two bedroom flat halfway between our workplaces as a mortgage isn't feasible for us at the moment. However, I am worried that I will take a step backwards if I rent. Also, a few of my family members said that it shows a lack of commitment from his side.

We have other issues but this, I feel, is the main problem. We are trying to sort things out after a rocky split. Am I being unrealistic in my expectations like ex has said? Has anyone else been in this situation?

Setting aside the fact that he is DD's parent, what else does he bring to the relationship?
Can you imagine life without him?
Does he care about you, care for you?
Does he share things with you, like plans for your old age together?
Does he cook, clean, change the bed sheets, do the shopping?
Does he make you laugh, share the same interests?
Is he your best friend?
Does he put his family's needs first, before his?

Do you do all of the above for him?

People can choose to reject the negative aspects of their cultures. If they don't, they are either unthinking, lazy, or they quite like these negative aspects and don't want to give them up. This is often true of men raised in misogynist cultures: they can do the 'Oh, I'm not like that, I'm modern and enlightened' until they've got their feet under the table, but then the abuse will start and it will steadily ramp up, because they are quite happy with their belief that women are inferior to men, women are a cross between a pet and a cooker and need to be trained and put in their place.

What you should do is say to this man that you don't want to pursue a couple-relationship with him any more. That you are of course happy for him to see DD regularly, and perhaps the two of you can sit down and work out a structure for contact - and a schedule for him to pay maintenance - but that you will not be socializing with him any more. Arrange to discuss this with him in a publlic place and change the locks to your home before you do that. If he becomes aggressive, walk away. If he turns up at your home and tries to force his way in, call the police. You do not have to obey him in any way. Do what feels right for you and DD and remember that it is NOT AT ALL compulsory to have a male owner, and it is far better for children to grow up with an absent father than a shitty one who abuses their mother.

So to be clear, he expects you and your DD to move out of your house so that you can commute but he doesn't have to? Why would you want to do that?

What is wrong with the current arrangement? What are you actually missing by him retaining a home closer to his work? What does your mum think would be 'better' if you all lived together? It would be cheaper but it doesn't seem like anything is actually wrong with the current arrangement beside that. It seems that he is the one who doesn't like it but also isn't prepared to compromise on his own living arrangements.

Is he proposing that you (i.e. not he) would buy somewhere? Does he have money saved up for a deposit?

All I can see here is that you have everything to lose by moving and he has everything to gain by you doing so. So why would you contemplate doing it, except because he is not respecting your choice not to and trying to wear you down? Is he still doing this? --> He tries to convince me that my thoughts and feelings are 'wrong'.

When you wrote in August you had broken up a number of times. Have you been apart at all since then? Or have you been a couple since August?

There are a lot of red flags here, largest I would say, in him not taking you seriously and his demand that you give up your security to live with him somewhere more convenient to him.

Also you should feel happy about the notion of being with your partner - and you're not.

This relationship doesn't make you happy, it makes you anxious & confused and that's not the way it should be - getting in deeper will not solve the issues with it. Don't move in because your mum thinks it's a good idea, or because you think you ought to live with the father of your baby, or because he is making it a make-or-break thing. It shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be this hard.

tzella- I haven't encoutered all of the issues you listed. He is supportive of me working. He has helped me out with the housework, but he doesn't live with me. It's not consistent, but he sometimes hoovers and does the dishes. We have arguments when my opinion differs, but he is learning to let this go and I am learning to not care if he disagrees.

insancerre- I think he cares about me and cares for me, but I think it is limited and based on conditions which is why I have written this thread.

He is not very ambitious and lives more day-to-day. He has a secure job, but not much career prospects. He does want us to get married.

He doesn't cook a lot, but will bring me some of his meal if he has cooked or will get us ready made food.

He sometimes makes me laugh. We don't share all interests. We are working on becoming best friends.

You can be best friends and co-parent without being in a relationship and you giving up so much

I think SolidGold is right - he'll change once his feet are under the table. I was in a smiliar situation - no dc but living very far from his work so he suggested we move and live together. I could not convince myself that I would be safe to do this; it would put me in an uncertain position and I just couldn't. And I was right not to because even if I let him (happily to start with) stay at mine for weeks and weeks everything gradually fell to me.

You're not sure, are you? And I think there's a good reason for this. I compromised as I wanted him, but I shouldn't have compromised - I knew that from the start but told myself I could be strong and organised and retain my power and independence and just do it. But why the hell should I have done? Compromise? Seriously?? My life???? NO!

He was an ex. You have already split up twice and your DD is only 4 months.

What happens next time you split? Or the time after that? Or if there is a time after that? Who moves out? Who stays? Who is lumbered with the whole rent etc?

Stay living separately until you have not split up multiple times over a short period it is better stability for you and your DD.

Xales, OP started the thread in August, so I guess DD is now about 9 months or so.

OP I interpret He is not very ambitious and lives more day-to-day. as meaning he has no money saved up for a deposit on a shared house.

Bah missed that!

Ignore me >

Is he even legal? Does he have indefinite leave to remain?

I know you don't think this stuff is relevant...

Oh OP, I'm sorry, but you have such a lot to lose by moving in with this man. For one thing, his commute will be shorter and yours will be longer - who would do that to a mother of a very young baby? He is selfish and the LAST thing you need is a selfish man.

I would begin to extricate myself from the relationship.

He has some money saved for his pension which he is willing to use towards a wedding but nothing else it seems. He prefer to rent, but we were working towards saving for a mortgage. It's not concrete though.

He is British. He wasn't raised here though.

I want to break up with him. I don't think I can continue much longer. I just don't like where it is going.

I told him I want to talk to him. He's coming over as per usual. He won't take it well. I don't think I can do the public place meeting. Unless I hold it off for longer.

Can you get a friend to come over, perhaps to sit in another room but to be there for support?

Why not do it over the phone?

Hope it all works out for you.
If you have to try as hard as you ahve been doing then it obviously isn't working between you two.
I married Dh when I was 20 and left my home and my family to move halfway around the country as he was in the RAF. i didn't hesitate for one minute. I didn't even have to think about it- I knew it was the right thing for me and 26 years later we are still together.
Hoping you find love and happiness with the right person.

Remember, it's fine to dump him. Being his partner is not making you happy and that is a more than good enough reason to end the relationship. If he reacts by saying he will abandon his DD and never contact you again that's fine. It is not worth providing this man with limitless sexual and domestic service just so he will see his own daughter (and bring her up to be aware that her destiny is to obey and service a man). If his response to not getting his own way (ie you obedient and submissive and under control) is to flunce off, then he's a shitbag and not worth getting upset about. If he says he will not pay maintenance, don't worry, you don't need his permission to set the CSA on him. If he becomes aggressive, call the police to remove him from the house.
If he cries and begs, stay calm and tell him to leave, you have decided the relationship is over and there is nothing more to discuss.
You will be a lot better off without the stress trying to please and second-guess him brings you.

Thank you.

Solidgold- I needed those words. I intend to keep it short. We used to end up in long drawn out discussion that would turn into arguments. Then it would end with him listing my issues. Saying its because I'm stressed or tired, but would then ask me what I'm going to do about it with not much support.

The last few weeks I've withdrawn myself from the relationship somewhat. He might see it coming.