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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from a fairly close friend?

37 replies

Dior · 11/03/2006 19:09

Pretty much what it says in the title. I have a closeish friend (3+ years), who is a good laugh. She will discuss serious issues with me, and we have been fairly close. However, two major things in my life (depression and weight gain) she won't discuss with me. I understand that she has no understanding of depression, but it would be nice to be able to offload a little without feeling like I should 'snap out of ut'. Also, she is no light weight herself, but she is very confident and her dh loves her any size. Whenever I try to mention literally anything about my weight, I can see her glazing over.

Now, before anyone thinks I must be a right old bore, I don't discuss these things in great depth with any Tom, Dick or Harry. She has been quite a close friend, and has always been supportive with other issues, like when I was having a bad time with dh. Now I am wondering if I wasn't just gossip fodder for her with these things, because she is a terrible gossip and can't keep a secret for anything.

The thing is, in the past I have enjoyed her company because I have always had to be light-hearted with her. It has been a breath of fresh air not to be miserable all the time, and to be with someone who is always so 'up'. Now though, it is a strain to keep smiling through everything, and I just feel like I shouldn't have to be with a close friend.

What I suppose I am asking is if I shouldn't just accept that it is not such a close friendship as I had previously thought, and move on. The situation is muddled becausxe our DSs are good mates. Also, I wonder if I should just accept her company as it stands, and not tell her anything personal...

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Radley · 11/03/2006 19:12

If you are close friends then you should be able to talk about ANYTHING. One of my closest friends has never had a weight problem or had any contact with someone with depression until she met me, but she has been fantastic and so supportive in helping me and talking things through .

Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 19:17

That's what I thought. But then you need a variety of friends don't you? So I'm not expecting too much then in your opinion? I'm beginning to think that I might let the friendship cool, because I do have a fair few friends anyway...I just don't know if I am over-reacting...

OP posts:
Carmenere · 11/03/2006 19:24

At a guess I would say she is not quite as happy with her weight as you think. I'd say that she prefers not to think about it and that when you mention weight loss she REALLY doesn't want to talk about it. She may be no stranger to depression either.
3 years is not that long really, I wouldn't give up on her copmpletely as a mate but just accept her for who she is. That at least will make you a better friend.

bakedpotato · 11/03/2006 19:25

The awful thing about depression IME is that it's so difficult to understand if you haven't had it. I think Radley has been lucky.
I'd be inclined to think: well, she's a fairweather friend, and compartmentalise the friendship. That's OK, as long as you don't feel let down by it. Don't make yourself feel worse by hoping for more from her if she can't give it.

Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 19:25

No, she really has no knowledge of depression, and is totally happy with the way she looks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 19:27

BP - I nearly called this thread 'Fair Weather Friend?' Grin

I agree with what you say. It's just that she always asks how I am, and is happy to gab on about other issues. I probably am expecting too much, and dh always tells me that I get too close to people, and that they always let me down.

OP posts:
Radley · 11/03/2006 19:28

I have a variety of close friends but she is my closest and fortunately the only one who is happy with her weight, it is difficult understanding things that you have no knowledge of, but if they are friends they should at least try and understand whilst letting you know that they don't iykwim

Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 19:30

Yes, I agree. I hate it because she asks how I am, but it is obvious that she is not interested in the 'real' me. She likes the fun side of me, but that side is sort of hidden under the 'miserable cow'/paranoic side ATM!

OP posts:
getbakainyourjimjams · 11/03/2006 19:31

Oh I don't know- I think there are people for different things. I don't discuss autism with my friends really (other than a general passing) because they don't live with it, and therefore don't really understand what its like. That includes my best friend- we talk about anything and everything but if I want to rant about autism I phone a friend with an autistic child- (almost daily!) because they understand because they live it (and usually something equaly hideous has happened to them that day). If you have some sort of serious issue that you want to offload about you're far better off finding someone who is going through the same thing- they get it in a way other's don't.

ScummyMummy · 11/03/2006 19:32

Does she share her difficult issues with you?

getbakainyourjimjams · 11/03/2006 19:34

Althoiugh having said that I binned anyone who couldn't even mention the A word (and there were a fair few), so yes I guess you should be able to say aomething, but if you're looking for a supportive friend for a particular issue you're far better off finding someone in the same situation.

Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 19:34

Sometimes, but they are only general niggles really. She is so happy-go-lucky that I think nothing pisses her off really deeply. I am finding it such a strain to be around her at the moment, because I have to be happy-happy-happy, and I can't do it. I think I'm probably analysing this too much. I need to take a step back, and allow my other school-mum friendships to blossom. Her ds is a school year below ds, so they don't even see each other at pre-school any more.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 11/03/2006 19:35

maybe she's just a confident fixer

some people like to be able to fix problems .. so its difficult to hear about things (like depression) that do not have an easy fix

as for weight gain .. if she's that confident about herself despite not being the 'perfect 10' she obviously cannot understand (nor empathise) why it is an issue .. so to hear you talking about it like a problem just makes no sense to her and is probably ineffably dull .. hence the glazing

Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 19:39

Probably! Obviously the friendship was more of a 'M&T/pre-school' convenience. No biggy really, as I have loads of more serious friends that I can talk to. It might do me good to step back and let things take their natural course. At the moment I am so down that it is all too much trouble anyway!

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 11/03/2006 19:42

What do you want her to do differently? This is a horrible thing to say but being a regular listening ear to someone with serious depression can be very draining, ime. Perhaps she's deliberately keeping the tone light to protect herself.

spacedonkey · 11/03/2006 19:42

Good post jimjams, and so true.

I can understand your disappointment that this friend is unwilling or unable to listen or understand re: depression/weight probs - it sounds like you would like to take this friendship to a deeper level, and she isn't willing/able to do that. So your disappointment is completely understandable.

As jimjams said, it may be better to focus on other friends who are willing and able to talk about and understand those aspects of your life - and these will usually be others who have had, or are having similar issues.

That doesn't necessarily mean you have to cool your relationship with this particular friend, it just means that you've found the "limits" of that friendship.

I have a similar thing with someone I consider to be a close friend, but I'd never talk about my depression with him - the friendship just isn't about that at all. I'd feel really awkward trying to talk on that level with him!

Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 19:44

Yes, you are right SD. I let myself grow close to people too quickly, and am always getting let down Sad

How are you lately?

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/03/2006 19:54

Unfortunately I find one of the problems of having a chronic condition (or living with someone who does) is that 'normal' people just don't get it. They do think you should be able to snap out of it, or that you are putting it on and, even if sympathetic, they don't understand just how damn hard life is when you're going through it.

In honesty, I have no friends who understand my situation, because I know no-one else with a 9-month old baby and a chronically ill husband. It makes me feel very, very alone, and very, VERY resentful of my friends.

You have two choices, I think - first, explain to her how you feel and see how she responds. I would lay odds her life isn't as happy-go-lucky as she makes it seem on the surface. Second, allow the friendship to fizzle naturally, which seems to be the option you favour, and I think that is perfectly valid. It's important you do find people who can share your experience though, and I hope you do.

SueW · 11/03/2006 19:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

spacedonkey · 11/03/2006 19:57

I'm a bit like that too dior, or should I say I used to be! I'm much cagier now with people, and as a result I only have a few friends. In the past my "lack" of friends has made me feel inadequate, but now I'm a bit older I've realised that it's nothing to feel bad about. Dp, unlike me, is one of those people with absolutely LOADS of friends, and I sometimes wonder how he finds the time or energy to maintain those friendships! It has made me realise that I'm a bit of a loner by nature, although having said that the friendships I do have are really precious to me, as I would be lonely without them.

One problem I have had with friendships in the past is my tendency to withdraw (possibly connected with the depression?) from time to time, and dealing with friends' reaction to that. I have also found that I can feel pressured by friends, and I find that hard to deal with too: I must be an uncompromising git, because I really don't like having to do anything out of a feeling of obligation, whether I want to or not! That, I reserve for my family.

The best friends I have are people who have had depression themselves and therefore understand my foibles, and don't give me hard time over them. That's really, really important to me. I need to be able to say "sorry, I can't do that" and for them to understand without question that I mean it and to leave me to it. If that makes sense.

Rambling on now, but your thread has raised all sorts of complex thoughts in me about friendships!

I'm better, much better - and I'm sorry to hear you're feeling low at the moment - parp me if you want to cod but {{{ hugs }}} dior

WickedViperWitch · 11/03/2006 19:58

I think if you like her and enjoy her company see her when you feel you can see her and don't see her when you need to see someone who knows you better and who you need to talk to about diet/depression stuff. I very rarely 'do' diet talk irl, I just can't, I don't like talking weight and diets and would very likely abruptly terminate any rl conversation anyone started about it. My initial reaction was the same as carmeneres: she isn't as happy about it as you think but just really doesn't want to talk about it.

Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 19:58

Yes, I suppose. Thanks everyone. I am favouring the 'leave it to fizzle out' line at the moment.

OP posts:
cod · 11/03/2006 19:59

i can talk diets for ages but do get to a point wiht certain people that unless they actually get ona dn do it its pointless
my MIL being a case in point

she talks the talk but never does it
adn will be overweight for the rest fo her life

it just is like groundhog day

Original poster
Dior · 11/03/2006 20:01

Mine's more a 'I'm really pissed off with myself for gaining weight...' line, and she pooh-poohs it. Oh well, I have loads of WW buddies from my time as a Leader to talk to.

OP posts:
cod · 11/03/2006 20:01

have you fallen bt he wayside chin>?

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