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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is mad at me again:(

62 replies

Scrounginscum · 17/08/2012 17:02

I always seem to be wrong :(.

First there's my diet. I want to lose weight and get healthy. Part of the reason I put on weight was I was skipping meals to save money then would eat junk like a bit of chocolate because I find it so difficult not to eat.

Dh on the other hand finds it easy. We are still have a tight budget so I was talking about meal planning to be healthy and cheap. DH told me I was being stupid and I should just stop eating. He says only obese gluttons like me eat as often as I do. He cites as proof that I have only lost 5lb so far.

Today I had a migraine so after the school run and feeding Ds I went back to bed for a bit. He's moaning that he has done loads of housework (vacuumed the living room)while I have done nothing is only made lunch, cleaned hob and worktops, washed dishes, put in washing, and got baking stuff sorted fir dd's cake. I know the plan had been for me to get a lot more done but I have done more than nothing.

Finally he's annoyed with me that DS won't nap for more than 5 min and is going through the separation anxiety phase so screams every time I leave the room to try and get things done.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/08/2012 19:35

He's vile, isn't he?

As for meal planning, those two fussy buggers should get together and sort out the meals for the week.

In the meantime, I'd be looking to get shot of him. He's unkind, spiteful and nasty. No wonder your child runs screaming from the room.

ThereGoesTheYear · 17/08/2012 19:55

What a mean and nasty man. What a way to speak to anyone.

NicholasTeakozy · 17/08/2012 20:39

Alibaba and Katie have said what exactly what I would've said. You are worth far more than this utter arse.

neuroticmumof3 · 17/08/2012 20:48

He sounds vile, emotionally controlling and abusive. Is he controlling and critical in other ways?

motherinferior · 17/08/2012 20:52

So if you don't eat, you get hungry? Pretty obvious, that. Your DH may have some weird attitudes to eating of his own, if he really thinks one can go without food. And suggesting you should just stop eating is bloody cruel.

Original poster
Scrounginscum · 18/08/2012 08:56

I think I would be significantly financially worse off on my own. I work late shift so would have to quit due to lack of childcare. I don't have enough savings to survive on zero income for 6 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scrounginscum · 18/08/2012 08:58

I do need to lose weight. I am size 14-16 so want to get back to what I used to be.

OP posts:
Pekka · 18/08/2012 09:01

You don't need to lose weight, you need to lose your DH! Seriously though, he is contributing to the problem, not the solution.

bigbuttons · 18/08/2012 09:03

I would say the food/weight issues he has are a catalyst for deeper problems within your marriage. He clearly doesn't like or respect you very much. This isn't about food.

bigbuttons · 18/08/2012 09:04

and if you want to loose weight, fine, but do it for you, not him. Men like him erode self belief and confidence.

Flisspaps · 18/08/2012 09:08

Why 6 months?

Leaving and being worse off financially for a time is better than destroying your physical and mental health - and possibly upsetting your son too. You'd be entitled to benefits until you found alternative employment - separation anxiety is hard but doesn't last forever. And that won't make you 'scrounginscum' so perhaps think of a nicer name for yourself Smile

At size 14/16 (same as me) you can lose weight if you want but that's really not the issue here.

WigGold · 18/08/2012 09:12

OP size 14-16 is not an insurmountable size to tackle - but it will take a little time, and so it should if done properly.

I do however know a way of losing a huge amount of excess baggage very quickly, - you know what I'm going to say don't you?

Honestly love, he is just appalling - please consider how your life could be without him weighing you down for eternity.

belagh · 18/08/2012 09:12

If you want to lose weight that is one thing.... If someone else is telling you you have to lose weight (isn't a medical professional) and isn't doing it for your best interest and causing you emotional upset and low self esteem... He is being abusive. From my experience people lose weight for themselves not others. Not eating is actually not a good way of losing weight, you are craving sweet things when your blood sugar levels crash

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/08/2012 09:24

I am shocked at your husbands vile attitude.

  1. The worst thing you could do if you want to lose weight is to skip meals. It will make you binge eat, chose the fattiest foods and your body will never know when the next food will come so it will store store store.
  1. You should only lose weight because you want to not because this vile excuse for a man says so.
  1. Your DS probably is a picky eater due to the fact that there are a lot of issues surrounding food in your house.
  1. Your husband is a wanker and you and your DS deserve better. If you want to leave him you would not be 6months with no income. You could claim Income Support, Child Tax Credit and Housing Benefit. When I was a single mum with one child I was getting around £500 a month plus my rent paid. Ok, so its not a lot but its enough if you budget well and it would be a damn sight better than living with that prick.
  1. You deserve so much better. You sound like a brilliant mum. Having a nap in the day is allowed you know. Why dont you write down a list of all the things you want to change about your life and get started. Theres loads of support on here aswell.
Original poster
Scrounginscum · 18/08/2012 10:01

Are you not barred from claiming benefits for six months if you quit your job?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 18/08/2012 10:16

I'm not sure it's as cut and dried as that - obviously I know that people can't just quit work for a life of scrounging as a lifestyle choice (not that there are many who do) but I'm not sure the 6 month ban extends to people who have no real option but to quit due to the circumstances life hands them (such as escaping an abusive partner) - I am no expert, certainly it won't hurt to find out - perhaps direct.gov.uk could help (or the JobCentre?)

rightchoice2 · 18/08/2012 10:18

No one should ever have to be verbally abused in this discrimatory way . He has serious hate isues and is totally obnoxious. Stand up to him. Give him a serious ultimatum, otherwise your power and birthright to be happy will be over for ever if you choose to stay with this saddo.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/08/2012 10:29

The ban is 6 weeks not 6 months. But it doesnt apply to you as you have to leave your job to care for your son.

Could you ask your employer to change your hours to day time? Some employers will work around parents. Then you could get childcare for DS and you would get Working Tax Credits and help with childcare.

Or you could start looking for a more suitable job now?

My point is that you do not have to stay with this man.

Original poster
Scrounginscum · 18/08/2012 10:57

Changing hours not an option we're just not busy during the day. I'm already job hunting.

OP posts:
janajos · 18/08/2012 11:03

Why are you doing the school run if you are doing a night shift? Sleep is crucial to weight loss, you won't lose weight if you are tired. It sounds to me as if he is completely unsupportive and unkind. I think you should as others have suggested, give him an ultimatum and then stick to it. You do not deserve to be treated in this way.

Bossybritches22 · 18/08/2012 11:11

Cook healthy meals for all of you, not too many spices or maybe take some out for the DC before adding some to the adults.

One meal- they eat or they don't.

I agree with others he needs to have a complete attitude change or get out.

What do you get from the relationship OP?

Heleninahandcart · 18/08/2012 11:23

Your DH is horrible and does not like women.

You are size 14-16 not obese. Whatever size you were, there is not excuse for him treating you like this. He is eroding your self esteem and you are compensating by eating 'treats'.

It is also totally unacceptable that you felt you had to skip meal to save money in the first place - is this a result of him criticising you in other ways? I have the impression that he would find fault whatever you did, this is what bullies do.

You do have choices OP, step back try and detach from what he is saying to you and view it as someone would from the outside. This may help you see that it is your DH who has the problem. In fact it is your DH who is creating the problem(s).

Original poster
Scrounginscum · 18/08/2012 13:28

Not going too well this afternoon. He caught me using MN so he's not happy.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 18/08/2012 13:37

I echo what SGB said a while back, my xh had these tendencies but not as unpleasant as this sounds

Size 14 - 16 ? I thought we were talking waaay more than that what a CAUC !

"caught" you on MN ?

Time to man up and get the hell away from him

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 13:37

Caught you? What is he, your owner?