This just isnt the marriage I signed up for

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

RANT ALERT

DH and I have been married for 7 years and have three children under the age of 6.

The main issues are that:-

1. I am incapable of keeping a neat/ordered/tidy house as per his sisters/mother. I am naturally messy, I will admit it. I put the occupation of the kids before tidying. Yesterday I tidied up once they were in bed but there was a pile of papers on my desk in the sitting room and he threw a hissy fit.

1. Nit-picking:- this morning he called me to shout at me (at work) that the milk I had bought yesterday although in date had curdled. This is a normal occurence. Where have you put this? Why dont you know where this is? But all done aggressively. Why can't you take the toys out of the bath?

1. Issues on raising kids:- he swears in front of them. He says things like "get lost" directly to them seriously and regularly. He smokes in the toilet. He refuses or moans if asked to take a child to an extra curricular activity "well they dont have to do these things do they?" "you are just making work for yourself". He sits and watches TV all the time and mostly expects the same from them.

It all seems rather petty, but it is all a daily occurence. Particularly the kids, who come to me crying when he has kicked them out of the sitting room for making noise! Or if I say that they can play ffotball with their dad on his day off they say 'but he wont take us'. I feel like I am not representing their interests when he can behave this way to them.

He does love them and they adore him.

We just dont seem to be going in the same direction or have the same dreams/aspirations either for ourselves or the kids.

He wants to buy a car. We cannot afford a car. He is clearing credit cards to pay for a car to drive 10 min to his mums and the supermarket.

I have returned to work and 6k that I earn now means that I have to pay for my uni fees, which I accept is something I want but we couldnt afford the car before this cropped up either.

I am just sick of this marriage and whilst I wouldnt describe myself as unhappy I am far from happy. I do want out but he would have no where to go and I don't want to deprive the kids of their father and I dont want to be the one to break up the family. He would also likely be bitter.

I text him this morning over the milk issue and explained it in context of our marriage and all these silly arguments and he text back with things I dont do and why dont I. He doesnt get it or me!

Gosh, if you read this, then thank you. That was an enormous rant.

You're not being petty and if you're not unhappy with this arrangement then you should be. He sounds like a very selfish man who orders you around but is not prepared to lift a finger or inconvenience himself in any way for his family.

You were not born and raised to serve him. He treats you as if you were. Nothing will change unless you bring change about. Your priorities are your DC, not him.

Sounds a lot like my ex.
He used to moan about the 'mess'. We
both worked full time. I cleared up my own mess as I went along. Most was his - but he felt is was beneath him to tidy.
Once or twice he would tidy up in a fit of rage. What that actually meant was - gather up everything that was 'in the wrong place' and dump it on the stairs. Twat!
Another beauty was when he reorganised the kitchen when I was out! He moved everything so it was completely wrong ergonomically (is that even a word?).
The arse never cooked, loaded the dishwasher or did anything in there!!

I am so much happier now!!!

He's neither a good husband or a good father. He treats you like a servant and the DC like inconveniences. Basically, he thinks that being The Man Of The House trumps everything and everyone else. It probably isn't fixable, sorry. The best thing to do is a little research and planning WRT what would happen if you did get rid of him so at least you have the information and can decide what to do.

I am almost certain that we will one day get divorced. I forsee a middle aged me after having supported the children through uni or whatever they may do, wandering off travelling or something. Even if we dont get divorced, I know he wont want to do it with me.

We went on holiday for two weeks and he actually took the same two weeks off because he gets bored where we go but stayed at home instead of holidaying with his children.

oh blimey, it does seem a bit miserable.

First off is ... does he know how you feel? have you discussed this before? If not, can you see yourself being able to discuss it with him?

Only you and he can sort this out. In your instance I would try to get someone else to look after the children for at least an evening, preferably 24 hours, and TALK. Tell him how you feel, tell him you are still a person, not just a mother and housekeeper. Ask him how he feels, why does he talk to the kids as he does (he might not even realise it, I had to set up a secret recorder for DH to realise how downright rude he sounded sometimes talking to DS).

From there you can start to decide whether you can re-connect as a couple/family, or whether your household structure has to be radically changed.

Sounds miserable. :(

Can't the supermarket deliver and he ride a bike to his mum's?

I couldn't live the way you describe - no idea what you can do though if you don't want him to move out for the kids.

He sounds very very hard work. was he like this before the kids came along?

I should add that although I realise he is an arse, he does cook and hoover on his days off so he doesnt expect me to do everything, but cant understand my ineptitude at tidying as we go. (I have immense amount of paper etc as do the boys).

He sounds like my husband in many ways, you're not alone and it's not acceptable.

Come join us in the Emotional abuse thread, we're very nice and lots of us are going/have gone through the same things as you, OP

I do want him to move out, but I want him to go. I dont believe he is happy either. I just dont want to be the decision maker.

He has always watched TV and always moaned. Equally I have always been messy which is increased by the kids mess.

He would NEVER ever get up one morning and suggest going to the park or anything.

Life is too short to stay like this. He is horrible to the children. Of course they adore him- he is their father- but they are learning every day that how he treats them is acceptable. He is horrible to you. You can not stay together 'for the sake of the kids' when he is setting a shit example of fatherhood, being rude to them, dismissing their activities as not important enough for him to bother with, showing that none of you are worth holidaying with. I could not live a week like that let alone for the foreseeable future! :(

What was it made you marry him? can you get that back?

Explaining it to my dad was harder. Although last year when he came he sat in front of a fan in the living room most of the time. (We were holidaying at my families house so I understand sometimes he doesnt want to come, but a week swimming with your children).

Disclaimer: this is with the benefit of hindsight and at least four years distance from a similar situation. I know its harder to think clearly when you are caught up in it.

I think it is really very simple. You are either kind to one another and the children and at least try to make each other's lives better, or you don't.

If you don't, you need to talk directly to ne another about to make things better. If talking isn't possible, these situations don't just magically sort themselves out, so lack of any direct communication almost inevitably means nothing will change, or at least not for the better.

So what kind of life do you want? Will you and the children be happier in thelong term not remaining in this kind of environment?

The big problem here is going to be the logistics and finances around separation. I agree you need to get as much info as you can about what is feasible for you both. And that will help you make a decision about what kind of life you can bear.

Separation is the way forward ultimately but I just cant make it happen. It has come up before (usually under the influence of a few glasses) and he has said that he wouldnt leave me because he wont lose his children. Despite the way he is I would never actually take them away from him. He doesnt knwo me at all if he thinks that.

So he won't leave and you won't either.

The only thing you can do then is try to change the way you communicate/value each other.

Have you been to relationship counselling?

Separation doesn't mean you are 'taking the children away' in the sense he wonthave a relationship with them. He might end up seeing less of them if he is not the primary carer but sadly with these types of dads, splitting up sometimes improves their relationship with the children because they have to get up off their sorry arses and actually do something on their weekends.

I have been where you are now and I think life is too short for lengthy analysis of a situation like this. Talk to him. Tell him what you think you can both do to fix this. Give it six months or a year if you are feeling generous. Then end it if it's not better.

Why do you say 'I can't just make it happen' ? Of course you can. Refusing to make a decision is also a decision in it's own right.

A man who loves his children doesn't swear at them or tell them to get lost, a man who loves his children actually spends time with them and enjoys their company and wants to take them on holiday.
None of the actions you describe are the actions of a man who loves and respects his wife.

Why on earth did you have 3 children in such quick succession with this prat?

I was wondering too what attracted you to each other in the first place, and who/what has changed, and why? There must have been something there, or why marry and start a family together? Is there any possibility you can get that back? Would he try to change if the alternative was losing you? Do you want to try and work things out, or has it got to the point where you just want out?

If you're certain that there's no hope for the relationship, then I guess you have to bite the bullet and make that decision to leave. Or find a way to live harmoniously in the same home (without the bickering and shouting) until the kids are grown-up. I don't think carrying on as you are is an option, it's clearly making both of you miserable and can't be nice or good for the children either.

We had a sort of whirlwind romance and everything just happened quickly. He was desperate for a family so we had DS1 way before we were ready and then there were family related issues which he was unsupportive throughout. I did walk out one day over these and he begged me to come back and sorted them. Once we had DS1 I wanted a sibling and I just sort of accept this is it and I dont want anymore children with another father but did want more so went ahead and did it.

I dont regret it - they are amazing. I can manage without him in rleation to them. It is the practicalities and the animosity. I dont want them to feel the bitterness that is likely if we spearate.

I think most of the responses on here are too reasonable!

OP, none of it sounds petty. He sounds like a nasty man and, while you may say he loves the kids, he certainly can't show it. He tells them to 'get lost'? He'd rather stay at home than holiday with HIS family?

And as for calling you at work to tell you that some milk has curdled . If my DP did this (he wouldn't in a million years), I'd laugh at him loud and long, tell him to buy his own fucking milk and hang up on him.

In the short term, the response to comments about you not 'keeping a neat/ordered/tidy house as per his sisters/mother' is 'Do it yourself if my tidying doesn't come up to your standards.'

In the longer term, well, I've never said this seriously on here before, but:

leave the bastard.

Sorry not to be more constructive, but it sounds as though you've tried constructive/sensible solutions and he's rejected them all.

Frankly your kids would be better off without someone who swears and smokes around them, won't take them to do fun things, and expects them to be seen and not heard all the time.