This just isnt the marriage I signed up for

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

RANT ALERT

DH and I have been married for 7 years and have three children under the age of 6.

The main issues are that:-

1. I am incapable of keeping a neat/ordered/tidy house as per his sisters/mother. I am naturally messy, I will admit it. I put the occupation of the kids before tidying. Yesterday I tidied up once they were in bed but there was a pile of papers on my desk in the sitting room and he threw a hissy fit.

1. Nit-picking:- this morning he called me to shout at me (at work) that the milk I had bought yesterday although in date had curdled. This is a normal occurence. Where have you put this? Why dont you know where this is? But all done aggressively. Why can't you take the toys out of the bath?

1. Issues on raising kids:- he swears in front of them. He says things like "get lost" directly to them seriously and regularly. He smokes in the toilet. He refuses or moans if asked to take a child to an extra curricular activity "well they dont have to do these things do they?" "you are just making work for yourself". He sits and watches TV all the time and mostly expects the same from them.

It all seems rather petty, but it is all a daily occurence. Particularly the kids, who come to me crying when he has kicked them out of the sitting room for making noise! Or if I say that they can play ffotball with their dad on his day off they say 'but he wont take us'. I feel like I am not representing their interests when he can behave this way to them.

He does love them and they adore him.

We just dont seem to be going in the same direction or have the same dreams/aspirations either for ourselves or the kids.

He wants to buy a car. We cannot afford a car. He is clearing credit cards to pay for a car to drive 10 min to his mums and the supermarket.

I have returned to work and 6k that I earn now means that I have to pay for my uni fees, which I accept is something I want but we couldnt afford the car before this cropped up either.

I am just sick of this marriage and whilst I wouldnt describe myself as unhappy I am far from happy. I do want out but he would have no where to go and I don't want to deprive the kids of their father and I dont want to be the one to break up the family. He would also likely be bitter.

I text him this morning over the milk issue and explained it in context of our marriage and all these silly arguments and he text back with things I dont do and why dont I. He doesnt get it or me!

You wouldn't be taking the children away from him. You'd be forcing him to reveal his true colours regarding his treatment of them. Would he apply for 50/50 custody? Would he get his finger out and start doing things with them that they like? When he has to be a 'weekend dad' he would hopefully start to prioritise his children a bit higher than he does now and subsequently their relationship can only improve.

To be honest it sounds like this marriage is what you signed up for. :(

So could you try counselling to improve matters?

He might apply for custody just to be nasty. He has in the past threatened to take DS1 from me to his home country (he wasnt born there or anything) but these were very trying times with his family and lots of extreme things were said and I feel almost certain that he now understands that they would reamin with me.

He has weekdays off so I would be more than happy to agree to them being with him on those days plus every other weekend or something. I would bend over backward to accommodate.

I realise the answer is leave him but the reality is we live in a council property, we earn between us an average income that means we struggle but are just a tiny bit over any threshold for help, so I have to think where would he go? He probably cant afford private rent around here (in order to be close to kids) and even if he could it might be a studio or the like and how would he actually have the kids in this situation. On my side it is easier I suppose. I work part time and assume I would get some help although I havent really looked into this.

Then there is the issue, what if he refuses to go. Then I have to leave with the children - how? I have no money and would effectively be taking my children to the council to declare homelessness. It just feels wrong in that regard.

He sounds like an utter dick, and is certainly a shit father. Your poor kids. Think what staying with him will do to your children's self esteem. Also they will grow up modelling your relationship. I'm sure that isnt what you want. You really need to make plans to extricate yourseld from this rubbish relationship, if you don't you will all end up being miserable, and you and the kids deserve more than that.

I feel now's the time to look into all alternative possibilities OP. Knowledge is power. In my opinion children do not function well in uhappy households. They are far better when the partners are apart even when there is no sign of abuse. So just think how your children will thrive without them having to be in the middle of such a destructive relationship.

We have been texting today (he isnt a greta talker) and he said the house is our only issue. He said he spends every day off cleaning, and a 30 min whizzround is nothing and achievable so why dont we work on this.

I responded that I always try and will continue to try but that we do have other issues, namely swearing/speaking to the children badly, smoking in the toilet, begrudgingly spending time with us. I requested that he work on these things.

mixedmama - I'm sorry that you are going through this

Iirc, your DH is from a culture where the wife is expected to do everything in the house. That is probably what his mum has always done, and he has grown up believing this to be the norm.

Would it help to have a chat with his mum & sister? Are you on good terms with them?

You don't have to live like this. Divorce is not the end, you know, and it doesn't mean you would take the kids away from their loving father.

If a clean house is that important to him, would it be an idea to get a cleaner in for a few hours per week? Then you can both blame the cleaner rather than him blaming you all the time.

swearing/speaking to the children badly, smoking in the toilet, begrudgingly spending time with us. I requested that he work on these things.

I feel the housework is rather a red herring here.

Your other comments above need to be totally stamped out now in no uncertain terms. No bargaining nothing.

This is a man who thinks he "master" of his home and all in it. This is at the very core of him and very rarely gets sorted.

Self entitled, self centred pigs rarely change their snouts.

How about if you just start to do a little bit of research as to where you will stand financially when if you leave him?

You talk about staying together until the children are grown and off at university as if they will be unaffected by the misery of your day to day family life (and it does sound miserable to me) or that when children hit 18 they no longer have feelings surrounding their parents' divorcing.

A couple of things to note here, firstly your children will look to your relationships as a template for their future relationships. If you have a DD then would you be happy for her to live with someone like your husband?

Secondly, children will always be affected by divorce, whether they are 2, 20 or 40. You're not doing them any favours really by holding off until they are leaving the nest - in fact this time of upheaval is pretty difficult without your parents splitting up.

I think you need to change the way you interract with him in the interim, if he complains about the place being untidy then you say (as another poster suggested) that he is welcome to clean up to his own standards. If he rings you to complain about the milk being curdled (ACTUAL WTF??) then just mildly respond "what a shame, still the shop is only 10 minutes away".

Stop feeding into his nonsense and start planning on getting the fuck out of there and into a happy life, free of petty tyrannies.

You only get one life. Why waste it? You could put up with him for years then finally kick him out when you are 60 or you could do it now and live free and happy.
Just do it!

Can I just reiterate that, if you don't want your children to grow up and have the same relationship you're having, you'll be doing them a big favour by separating. All children 'adore' their parents, even if they're scared of them; it's pre-programmed into us. But being scared, nervous, etc, at home has deep-seated effects on their psyche. The world is full of women who can't believe how much happier their kids are since they divorced.

I realise you're hoping this latest row by text will bring about changes. You've been having the row for seven years, though - how likely is it to make lasting improvements this time?

He does sound like a total arse and very selfish.

How about checking your rights & finances on turn2us and your council's website?

He doesn't sound like he loves them to me.
Or you for that matter.
Is this what you want for the next 40 years?

Things i don't think have got bad enough for you to feel that you have to get out. You are resigned to the life you have. Many people live this way.

Do you want to bring up your children in this environment? Think of the long term harm to them as well as your wasted life. You are acting like a martyr but you can change your life if you want to. It doesn't sound like you do.

I absolutely wouldn't stand for my OH calling me at work and bollocking me about gone off milk or anything else.
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yup...leave now before your kids think lounging about smoking is the way to live life

I probably was 'too reasonable' in my earlier post, was just that OP seemed to not want to leave so I wondered about ways they could reconnect, make it work etc. But no it doesn't sound a good situation.

He was 'desperate' to have a family, but now he has one, he's dismissive and swears at the children, moans about them wanting to do activities, and won't even go on holiday with the rest of you? Did he change his mind?

It's all very odd. Phoning you at work to tell you the milk is off? WTF are you supposed to do about it?

Can you sit down and talk properly, rather than by text?

Ephiny, I wasn't having a dig at you (or anyone else) about being 'too reasonable'. I was just shocked at the behaviour the OP described, and meant that I think her husband sounds appalling and that it's beyond discussion or negotiation or anything, as it sounds as though she's tried her best.

But sorry if it did come across as a dig.

My dad was constantly irritable, shouty, expected 'better' behaviour than was age appropriate. It was really horrible, and I wished they'd divorce. My mum lacked the confidence - she now realises she, and we, would all have been fine.

My dad has a severe and disabling chronic pain condition and a history of child abuse (as the victim/survivor): I don't blame him any more. But no fucking way would I let my kids be around that kind of bad temper day in day out if I could find any alternative at all.

OP i don't sound very supportive there, sorry. I really think you can choose to sort this: hopefully (if you want him to) through him sorting his act out, if not, you can find a way to separate and facilitate contact with the children. If they want to see him.

Your H sounds remarkably similar to my STBXH in his dealings with you & the DCs. Selfish, entitled and emotionally abusive. It wears you down, you can't live with it indefinitely and its not fair on the DCs either.

I'm not saying leave the bastard (well, maybe I am!) but I am so much happier since H moved out 3 months ago and his relationship with the DCs has also dramatically improved now that he has to spend 'quality time' with them.

Previously he hated taking them out/holidays/making their meals etc and avoided them like the plague, finding jobs in the garage or hiding away in the office.

Now he is in a small house and he has them 2 days a week (random shift work means the days change so most often its not weekends) so he can't go off and hide himself away. He is taking DS1 camping and all the DCs get to spend a few hours at least with him after school on his days, he has to make their dinner/packed lunches and I get time to myself. Its helped all of us.

With the tax credits etc and his maintenance I am no worse off financially than I was before he left and my life is immeasurably better in so many ways. Look into your options and make sure you have all the information you need so that when you end it (as you inevitably will at some point) you can spell out how it will work and he can't bamboozle you! Good luck.x

The housework is not your only problem. He treats you with a basic lack of respect. This will not change as a result of a few text messages and you saying you will try harder.

It doesn't matter whether he has somewhere to go or not. If you want out - and I can see why - then out. He will find his feet. You are not his mother, his servant, his submissive or his boss. You are his equal. Suggest you start thinking and acting that way.

I don't know what to advise OP. Just want to say that reading your original post, it sounded most of all miserable and joyless ...

Doingit - that sounds very familiar. Thank you for sharing.