Is this going anywhere or should I end it?

[Boondoggle]

More of a WWYD really. Have been in relationship with DP for 3 years, prior to which he was not long out of a 10 year relationship (which he ended as she wanted to start a family and he wanted a "lifestyle"). During the second year we started to talk about "the next step". I have 2 DCs and DP spends every weekend Fri night-Mon morning with us and the DCs started to ask as well when we would live together (we currently live quite a way apart and my house is further from his work than where he lives). As background, my DCs' dad is very present in their lives and pays maintenance regularly and DP has never had to financially support the DCs.

Whenever this came up, DP would always say he wanted to live together but it was always in another couple of months. When I asked him why he kept delaying and if, perhaps, he really meant he didn't want to move in but was afraid saying so would be the end of our relationship, he denied it every time. He did want to move in, but he just had to do XYZ at work first, or we'd discuss it after our holiday, or whatever.

Into the third year, this continued. I then decided (for other reasons, to do with better schools for the DCs) to relocate next year to an area that is more convenient for DP's work (and mine). In about May, I told him about this and asked if he would move in with us when we move. He said no. He had other priorities. He wanted to get on the property ladder, couldn't afford to on his own, and decided to buy a place with a family member. Said he couldn't consider buying with me because we've both been in LTRs that haven't worked out and have lost our footing on the property ladder so I should understand that he needs his own investment that is "secure" in the event of any break-up. I should make my own arrangements re moving. We had a massive bust-up. A couple of weeks later we reconciled as he didn't want the relationship to end and neither did I. However, the living together thing was the elephant in the room.

Two months later he said he thought he might like to move in with us when we move to the new town next year, and as preparation for this, he should move in where we are now, to see how it goes, "and then if it doesn't work out, you'll be moving anyway so you won't have to change your plans so nothing ventured nothing gained". I thought this was the least romantic proposition ever. Surely moving in together happens when you both feel you can't bear NOT to be with the other person, not on the basis of seeing if you can tolerate each other full time?

As a result of this I now do not want to live with him at all. My DCs adore him and if he were to move in and move out again, they would be devastated. I can't risk that. For my own part, I feel - perhaps childishly? - that he should be desperate to move in with me and my fantastic DCs, who he is brilliant with and does so much for, as we have been together for 3 years now and it is time. The fact that he is couching everything in terms of what happens if we break up leaves me stone cold. I have been left high and dry myself after a LTR with 2 DCs so I'm not all rosy-eyed about it but I do think you can't go into a relationship planning for the end of it.

So my questions are:

1. would you feel that DP's "offer" to move in was rather back-handed?

1. if I do not want to live with him at all on the basis that he is so fixated on "protecting his position", should I end the relationship now?

1. I'm a trial run for no man.

1. I'd tell him to protect his position from another position - one that was located on planet offufuck.

They say romance is dead and your 'd' p has proved it.

This relationshp isn't going anywhere except the knacker's yard, is it?

I think you are very sensible and sound like a great mum. You are right to not let him move in.

Move on from this man. He has commitment issues but is too cowardly to admit it. He wants to keep you available incase someday he might want to settle down. Thats not good enough! You and your DCs deserve so much better.

I think you know the answers to your questions yourself OP really.

He left his last relationship for a "lifestyle" instead of having kids, started seeing a woman with kids??? doesn't make sense to me.

If I were you I wouldn't want him living with me and mine.

MissFaversham to put the kids/lifestyle thing in context, his ex had a low-paying job which she wanted to leave to become a SAHM. He had struggled in the early years of his career and had just started to earn a decent salary. A baby and the loss of an income would have been a big step back financially.

As to my set-up, it's not that he doesn't like kids, he does (in fact he would be a great father but I don't want any more) - he just doesn't want to have any until he has lots of money, or perhaps not at all. With my two he doesn't have to worry about that as he doesn't support them. Also, I earn a lot more than his ex so together we can afford a holiday, occasional meals out, etc. Though his real aspirations are more in the Aston Martin league than the "monthly trip to Zizzi" league!

Oh Ok OP but really if he kept showing this sort of reluctance his actions would be telling me he just doesn't want to do it. He may eventually if he has to but that's not right really is it?

I agree. Think I just need to hear it from a few outsiders. DP said months ago that if I really loved him, I would wait for as long as it took till he wanted to live together, because if you love someone it is perverse to end it just because you can only be with them some of the time not all of the time. But that is how his ex ended up wasting her 20s with him delaying a family and her wanting one only to find in the end that he wasn't going to give her one (so to speak).

So he has form for this sort thing too then OP.

Sad huh but onwards and upwards ay.

Does it have to be the end? This would be the perfect arrangement for me - time with my DCs, time with boyfriend, time on my own. (I presume you and your boyfriend get time together when your kids are at their dads?)

Is there anything exactly wrong with him not wanting to live with you full-time? (OK, he should be more clear about saying 'no' rather than being vague but it does seem you bring it up on a regular basis.) Is living together the only way that a relationship can be judged successful?

Numberlock the situation now is that he says he does want to move in but I don't want him to. But given that I DO want to find someone to settle down with, and am not going to while I have DP, maybe that is cause to end it. On the other hand, I enjoy our time together and would miss him and might regret it, even though really I want to be in a relationship where we both want to move in together at the same time, IYSWIM.

Oh, I think I would call it a day. He's not 100% committed and I think you'll just waste years only for him to end it anyway. To be honest, I'd be very wary of having a relationship with someone who strung someone else out for ten years before choosing 'lifestyle' over a family. I'm guessing he was relieved you had kids because then you wouldn't want any with him. I reckon you can do a lot better.

I can understand why you feel the way you do. I should imagine there's nothing more offputting than a man that either won't commit fully and comes up with some somewhat spurious reasons for not doing so. It sounds as if you've cottoned onto him and you can see patterns emerging.

As hard as it is, it might be the right time to walk away from him. You deserve to be with someone that can't live without you, not someone that can't live with you.

Hmm. I suppose this is right. It's not made in heaven. I am slightly afraid of ending it though. What if he says "but I said I would move in"? He will say I am being churlish if I say "you didn't sound keen enough or say it soon enough so now I've changed my mind."

Is it churlish to feel that way?

It is in no way churlish. His generous offer is to give you and your children a trial run. This isn't the way to start a new chapter of your relationship!

Your relationship doesn't have to be made in heaven or absolutely perfect - most of us would admit to overlooking the odd irritation because the bigger picture is that you couldn't bear to be without them, strange habits, irritations, annoying bits and all.

I don't blame you for being slightly afraid of ending it all though. Not easy when you're the one having to do it. Better now though, than having your kids watch him move his stuff out of yours once they've got used to him being there.

Just say you've had a hard think and have decided you're not wanting to carry on the relationship, you feel it isn't right for you, you think he's cautious about moving forward in general whilst you have a more wholehearted style and you now believe this makes you incompatible long term?

I agree with everyone else. He's not desperate to be with you. He's willing to give you a trial run - will there be an appraisal? His reasons for leaving his last girlfriend were dodgy. Don't waste more years of your life on this guy.

Bleurgh. Action taken, it seems, and not in the civilised "let's stay friends because my DCs worship you and actually, I love you even though I know you don't really want me" way I had hoped for.

On phone this evening, he was really rude to me and said he was tired of our relationship and "can't be bothered any more". FFS! We have just come back from a 2 week holiday with my DCs! We have been together for 3 years! You don't just ditch someone like that!

What will I tell the DCs? They adore him.

Wait for the dust to settle - he'll be back!! You can decide what to tell the DC in a week or so.

"He will be back"

Erm...do you want him back OP? Because no matter how much it hurts he sounds like a selfish arse.

What age are your DCs?

I don't think he will be back: last night he "uninvited" (his word) me from his sister's wedding this weekend, at which he is best man. He is meant to be "looking forward to spending time with my family at a happy time and you've ruined that for me, so thanks very much."

My DCs are are 10 and 8. Although he hasn't lived with us, he's an important part of their lives and they will be really upset. They are always asking him when he is going to move in and if he is going to get married to me. It is pathetic but I feel I have let them down all over again with another failed relationship (after the divorce).

He sounds like a dick, sorry you had this experience, but at least this all happened before you moved him in. Under no circs take him back, you deserve much better! I expect he realised you were cooling off and had to get in first.

I know it feels like it, but it was actually a successful relationship. It ran its course, you ended it when it became clear you were incompatible and neither of you could change.

You've saved your kids the sadness of living with and then separating from someone. Far tougher than what you've just done for all concerned. Be honest with them, explain you wanted different things, as people do. The harsh reality is that relationsips end. At least it wasnt full of misery and hate, like so many longer relationsips can be...

Sorry its happened to you though, i know how bloody hard it is

Oh, and you tell the dcs, imo, that whilst uyou liked x a lot he wasn't willing to put the family first so it turned out he wasn't good enough for you or for them. you don't dwell on it, do let them express any upset, put loads of time in so their weekends are good fun without him. Tell them you are disappointed but know its for the best.

You haven't let anyone down.

Poor you, I know exactly what this feels like as my DP is a commitment phobe, although he at least admits it!

Sorry to hear you have broken up, but please don't feel you have failed the kids. If you explain that he wasn't willing to be around as much as the family deserved then they aren't going to be harmed by it. Sad yes, but screwed up? No.

Good luck.

OP, with these last couple of posts of yours I have to say he sounds dreadful. why have you ruined the wedding for him if he's the one who has ended the relationship and uninvited you??!

I agree with the others, you sound like a lovely mum who has done a good job of trying to protect her children from upset.

Does he know you don't wat anymore children? If he wants them in the future and you don't maye you should think about this as it's unfair to expect him to give that up just because you have two already and dint want anymore

I don't think he is actually horrible or anything for his stance on this - it doesn't sound like you can actually give him all he wants if the child question is unresolved and it is actually quite grown up of him to be thinking about protecting himself and buying his own place.

Maybe you new to look at what he wants long term too.